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Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 1:52:11 AM

LadyPact

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I was on another thread today, and a comment started to make Me think. I've noticed a trend that seems to be an easy answer for certain situations. It's almost becoming a knee-jerk reaction for some folks.

"Go to a pro domme."

Now, this thread isn't about pros vrs lifestyle, or whether the need for pros exists. It's more about why do we seem to think this is the answer for everyone who might have something that isn't the perfect scenerio? People who need to explore, or people just starting out, all too often, we've thrown out the answer to their problem as "get thee to a pro domme". This is the best we can offer?

Why do we send out this same canned answer over and over? Do we really think that only pro dommes can introduce someone to the lifestyle? Do we believe that only a pro, who makes their living by their craft, can handle teaching, taking on the less than ideal situations or individuals? Do we really think that the compensation, somehow, makes the last resort for everyone? Is it just that cash is easier than time and patience in finding a lifestyle Domme? Do we believe that, just because someone takes money for their time, that they are automatically better, more available, more reliable?

Why is going to a pro domme the easy response?

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 3/16/2008 1:53:38 AM >

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RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 1:57:06 AM

SweetDommes

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I only suggest it if I see a certain attitude or mindset in someone. Or if they are wanting something on the side (although, that kind of fits into the mindset issue ... )

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RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 2:04:17 AM

LaMistressa

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I usually only say "go to a pro" when the person is married (and the wife is not aware or approving of what the submissive wants), or when the person has a kink/fantasy that is so embedded in their head that it is all they want, and nothing more. Then, heck yeah - take it to a pro. There's a reason they get paid handsomely for what they do, and I respect them for that.

My other stock answer is "get involved in your local community", but that's because I think most people (note I didn't type "all people") get good information and meet more people when they get involved locally.

From now on maybe I'll stick to "just say no" and "stay in school" or something!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 3

RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 2:09:43 AM

MissMagnolia

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I really don't understand the question. I work in the mental health sector and never ask doctors why they send people to me for help. I don't say no, go find someone else to help, because I don't know if I'm the best option, go find someone who's into psychology, they might do better than I can, or it might be easier. I am paid for my professional services by clients. How is a ProDommes case any different?

I advise males to go to a ProDomme because a ProDomme offers a service, much like a dentist offers a service. When an absolute beginner emails me (despite what I have written in my profile) to ask if I will "help him explore his submission", the answer is "if you have no idea what you're into and only have the experience of watching BDSM porn movies, go to a ProDomme".

I have neither the time not the patience to deal with anyone who knows absolutely nothing about the lifestyle or who is "exploring". I don't play casually, and I train only those who are looking at long service.

Obviously a ProDomme has the option of saying yes or no to a prospective client, but if they are working ProDommes, they also get paid to spend time with those who are twittering around the edges. They get paid for that time. I don't.

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RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 4:20:37 AM

Politesub53

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LadyPact, i think that You hit the nail on the head within Your post. ProDommes are not automatically better or reliable, but they are more available. If i wanted to try out a certain whatever, its far easier to just pay someone to do it, knowing they have the experience and facilities for me to indulge myself. Than it is to go to a club/munch and meet someone who will meet my needs. It`s also more discreet ( since its not so public ) and in my case less intimidating. Many men would prefer a first experience to be a one to one meeting, rather than going to a club full of strangers.

I also think many of the times when people say " Go to a pro Domme " Its in responce to a submissive who wants to get his kicks, yet not give anything back, such as service. In that respect the reply is very valid.

Getting slightly off topic, i think, and have always thought, that its impossible to be a succesful Pro Domme and not be into the lifestyle. Doing it properly and catering for complete strangers needs over and over has to be very stressful, imho. i`m not talking about hookers with a whip and cuffs in her case here, but providing a proper bdsm session.

(in reply to MissMagnolia)

Post #: 5

RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 4:38:11 AM

StormsSlave

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I realize I'm a female, not a male, sub, but I feel I may have some small thing to contribute.

My Lord and I are exploring this side of ourselves in large part as we go along. He will sometimes go with something new, in the moment, that we hadn't previously discussed. I have already wholeheartedly approved of him surprising me, as I trust him implicitly. However, he will amost always whisper in my ear to be sure it's ok. It's not that he's seeking my permission as much as making sure I'm ok. He's never tried anything new without discussing it with me afterward, and listening carefully to my reaction.

I wouldn't trust him so much, I'm sure, if I didn't feel he held my best interests at heart; and it's good to know that my best interests are never far from his attention.

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RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 4:52:18 AM

MistressVnus

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For some reason I get the feeling this is posted under the wrong thread. Sound more like you were responding to something in the "Do subs give their Dominants permission." Or, something like that.

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RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 8:35:40 AM

bipolarber

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Mostly because thare are situations where it's smarter to go to "Enterprise rent a car" than it is to go to a dealership and buy a vehicle for a trip. Personally, I've never used the services of a pro, (I simply can't afford it) but I do have long standing friendships with several, and they are nice people (really!) who are just trying to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table like everyone else. More power to 'em, I say.

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Post #: 8

RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 8:36:30 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Sometimes, advising someone to find a pro is the best solution, but not too often. The person who is married and wants to have an experience but not do anything really useful, that guy needs a pro dominant!   The one-trick wonder who just wants his fetish satisfied? Call a pro who likes that fetish.

A session with a pro can be a very safe way to explore sensations without risk of reprisal, loss of a relationship, or embarrassment.   There are folks out there in the scene who are happily exploring after having initial sessions with me.   There are others who found that they didn't need to do Activity X nearly as often as they thought!

What I object to is the notion that pros are not particular about clientele. I don't know of any good reputable pros--and I speak as a former pro dominant with a network of others to talk to--who don't screen their clients on the phone and in person. Those utter jerks that no one can stand? Well guess what, most pro dominants (who are after all, generally scene folk in their non-work life) can't stand them either!

My first piece of advice to anyone who is interested in bdsm or d/s, is to LEAVE THE HOUSE and meet other humans in realtime and get a dose of reality.   I'm sure that you have all heard the myriad excuses for why that Just Isn't Possible.   What options does that leave?

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RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 9:41:08 AM

Lashra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Why is going to a pro domme the easy response?

Because it is the easy answer, instead of telling a person hey this is going to take time to do. In fact it could take years to meet the right Domme for you. Most people do not want to hear that answer, they want a fast, easy fix. Unfortunately as we know it doesn't work that way.

I never give the pro domme answer unless it sounds to me that, that is what the person is really seeking. I wish there were more lifestyle Dommes, I really do.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 10

RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 9:49:29 AM

LadyHibiscus

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There are plenty of lifestyle dommes, I think. But they are picky as hell!

Okay, it's good to be picky in many ways. But here's my example. For five years, I had a chapter of Club FEM. I had the worst time getting single women to attend....because they didn't like the guys! Too fat, too old, not enough of one thing or another. Okey DOKEY. I like beauty as much as the next person, but I will take my chubby sincere middle aged guy over the beautiful young thing without a clue who doesn't have any of the same cultural touchstones as me.

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Post #: 11

RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 10:27:11 AM

Kitte9

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia
I have neither the time not the patience to deal with anyone who knows absolutely nothing about the lifestyle or who is "exploring". I don't play casually, and I train only those who are looking at long service.

Perhaps this is the reason. I have noticed that for everyone looking for a partner, there is someone who is not. Many people come here to chat, bond with others of like mind, or explore new ideas. A great deal of the on-line community already have the subs they are looking for, and have neither the time nor incliniation to train others. This is not a bad thing, nor a slight at those who have not the time, please don't get me wrong. But I think for those who are not intereted in being the teacher, 'go to a ProDomme' is a natural choice.

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RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 10:32:00 AM

Lashra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

There are plenty of lifestyle dommes, I think. But they are picky as hell!

Okay, it's good to be picky in many ways. But here's my example. For five years, I had a chapter of Club FEM. I had the worst time getting single women to attend....because they didn't like the guys! Too fat, too old, not enough of one thing or another. Okey DOKEY. I like beauty as much as the next person, but I will take my chubby sincere middle aged guy over the beautiful young thing without a clue who doesn't have any of the same cultural touchstones as me.

True, I am very picky myself. But as for beauty, I see it everyday in my middle aged, chubby, bad teeth, very tall male sub. In my eyes he is beautiful because of how he serves, loves and treats me. To someone else he may be as ugly as they come, it just depends upon the Domme and what she is looking for.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 13

RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 12:23:17 PM

LadyPact

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Just checking back in on My thought from last night. I wanted to thank everyone for the input.

Here's the funny thing. I was at a small, local event last night with a wonderful presenter. Absolutely fantastic bondage demo. It just so happened that there was someone who was making their first appearance with our little group. No prior BDSM. No real time experience. (I think you get where I'm going.)

At one point during the evening, he became part of the interactive portion of the demo. He was wrapped in saran wrap and being played with by five female tops. (I happened to be one of them. Yummy.) At one point, I stopped, and told him one, simple thing.

"Right this minute, you are having an experience that some people will only ever dream of."

It wasn't something he had planned. All it cost him was entry fee to the demo, just like the rest of us. One of us did happen to have experience in pro work, but she wasn't there in that capacity. Just five female tops, having a great time with a male bottom. Now, how many male bottoms (not even going with the stronger word sub) do you know that would be thrilled with something like that?

I think it was Lady H above who said it. All he had to do was LEAVE THE HOUSE.

I tend to believe that the 'go to a pro' thing is the easy answer, but not especially the best one. No, there aren't as many people doing casual play as there used to be. Yes, there are situations where it is the logical answer. The married guy with the unsuspecting, unwilling wife at home comes immediately to mind. Still, I wonder if that answer comes from us a little too quickly at times.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Lashra)

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RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 12:28:04 PM

VeryMercurial

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Many times, these men are not submissive in the least.
They have a list of what they want done and someone to do it to them.
Many also want no real committed relationship.

My question to you is, "Why should they not go see a Professional Dominant?"

What are they offering to women seeking long term serious relationships?

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 15

RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 12:47:01 PM

SweetDommes

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I believe that Pact's point is that many people just blurt out that response no matter if the submissive is of the type you describe or not ... that it's just automatic to put that answer out there.

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Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Friends are God's apology for relatives

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RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 1:57:21 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Thank you, SweetDommes. That is what prompted the post.

VM, I'm not saying they shouldn't see a pro. It's certainly the answer for some. I did say that in the above comments. Not everyone's situation is identical. Not every solution works for everyone. Still, I think we tend to throw that answer out there when there are other options besides pro domination.

quote:

ORIGINAL: VeryMercurial

Many times, these men are not submissive in the least.
They have a list of what they want done and someone to do it to them.
Many also want no real committed relationship.

My question to you is, "Why should they not go see a Professional Dominant?"

What are they offering to women seeking long term serious relationships?

To answer some of the other things written, I thought I'd go through the various points.

You're correct. Some of these folks aren't submissives. They are bottoms. They have folks that match them in Tops. It seems to Me that Tops aren't necessarily looking for submissives themselves. They want bottoms to play with. Now, if this scenario exists, it would seem to Me that the bottom looking for a certain activity could find a Top who is also interested in the same activity. It's not a committed relationship. Not everybody is looking for that, either. It's a scene.

Considering all of the above, I wonder why we don't go more often with the suggestion of getting out to the local community (when there is one) rather than the suggestion of a pro? If we are going with the quick and easy answer, we are just as guilty of supporting the immediate gratification or drive through domination theory that we so often hear complaints about when the male bottoms have it.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SweetDommes)

Post #: 17

RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 2:01:41 PM

domiguy

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I would suggest for someone go to a "pro" if they just wanted to pay for sex and whatever additional activities giving cash to someone might entail....If they want to find someone of worth and substance I would choose any other possible alternative.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 3/16/2008 2:03:40 PM >

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RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 4:50:59 PM

MistressRouge

Posts: 876
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Birmingham West Midlands UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Politesub53

LadyPact, i think that You hit the nail on the head within Your post. ProDommes are not automatically better or reliable, but they are more available. If i wanted to try out a certain whatever, its far easier to just pay someone to do it, knowing they have the experience and facilities for me to indulge myself. Than it is to go to a club/munch and meet someone who will meet my needs. It`s also more discreet ( since its not so public ) and in my case less intimidating. Many men would prefer a first experience to be a one to one meeting, rather than going to a club full of strangers.

I also think many of the times when people say " Go to a pro Domme " Its in responce to a submissive who wants to get his kicks, yet not give anything back, such as service. In that respect the reply is very valid.

Getting slightly off topic, i think, and have always thought, that its impossible to be a succesful Pro Domme and not be into the lifestyle. Doing it properly and catering for complete strangers needs over and over has to be very stressful, imho. i`m not talking about hookers with a whip and cuffs in her case here, but providing a proper bdsm session.

Once again I agree with Politesub :)

The main reason many see Pro-Dommes is convienience. Many subs/players/fetishists clients, follow their urges to indulge in Professional Sessions when it suits them. They wish no relationship, romantic or emotional commitments, and wish to operate on a "session and go" arrangement.

I am a lifestyle/Pro Domme, as many of my friends are also. In the UK anyway, there seems to be more lifestyle/professional Dominants as myself, that are active on their local communities, aswell as have a select group of non tribute submissive's, yet also have a professional career in Pro Domination.

I play at clubs also, sometimes with friends, some are lifestylers also, and those that I play with, also pay the entrance fee, I play for free at clubs.

Many have no desire for 24/7 lifestyle/commitment, and I have comfort in the fact that Professional Domination is a service that is valuable, and works for those that visit them.

It is quite strange but many do not understand that a Domme, can be lifestyle aswell as making a living as a Pro Domme, like we have to be one or the other lol.

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RE: Why is this the easy answer? - 3/16/2008 5:07:39 PM

DelilahDeb

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Status: offline

It's the easy answer because all too often the male inexperienced wannabe places such impossible limits on his own chances of connecting with what he wants or needs or thinks he needs or fantasizes about that he strangles any other chance of getting it at birth. The notion of attending a munch and spending real energy getting to know someone is not only not something many are unwilling to do because they are (lazy, scared, pick a word), but because they "require absolute discretion"....

Short version...

they're married and don't want to screw that up or provide cause for divorce or (if divorced) lose custody of kids, or
they're gossips and assume that no one else can keep mouths shut, or
they're (insert religion here) and are scared they will out themselves by going to (munch, party, club fetish night, ...), or
they're recognizable and terrified someone else at the local munch/party/whatever will know who they are...

So, pick a reason. All too often, basically, it's a question of needs vs. fear, and they haven't reasoned their way out of a financial or religious or emotional trap. (and sometimes that should be followed by..."yet".)

So, it's an easy answer because it's practically the only one left to give some of 'em.

Delilah Deb

_____________________________

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Post #: 20

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