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are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 2:12:21 PM

sabirah

Posts: 97
Status: offline

hello to all

I am very curious to learn how important is the experience level,when it comes to looking and finding a submissive.
One of the first questions that pops up when chatting with someone is, What is your experience? I know from my side of the spectrum, I look for one who is experienced, wise, and can aquire subtle authority over me, those qualities are what draws me to a dominant.
So, do most dominants look for someone who maybe sorta new and exhibits an open-mind, or would it be better to seek out the one who has been controlled by another and conditioned to "his" way of thinking already, and then would you have to consider the de-programming stage? Thank you for your time.

_____________________________

sincerely,
sabirah

The room is silent, absolutely silent, except for the decisive click of the collar lock.
It is a sound the girl will never forget.

Post #: 1

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 2:47:11 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

It really just depends. When I got involved with my current partner, I was fairly experienced in the scene and Ms relationships in general, but was just starting out as a top. He was moderately experienced with kink but not at all with a Ds authority dynamic.

I tend to attract and do well with newbies, but prefer kink and scene experience.

By the time you're 16, most people are already pretty deeply programmed, so that's going to be an issue no matter what other relationships they've had since then.

I don't think the issue of "experience" is the problem- it's "How has that experience made them into who they are and in what ways are they open to who they want to become?"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sabirah)

Post #: 2

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 2:47:18 PM

MisterP61

Posts: 1345
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

Very good question. Thank you for posting it. I like these type, since they actually make O/one think about their response first.

As a new Dominant to the lifestyle (I have always been Dominant in My life) I have very limited experience with submissives/slaves. So if they are looking for One who has had many years in the lifestyle I bow out graciously. I have found for Me that I prefer someone who is also new, so W/we may learn together. I must add here that My SO is also Dominant and has many more years in the lifestyle and She is My Mentor in many ways, and teaches Me many things. This is how I keep it from getting dangerous to either of U/us (the sub and I).

Now if you were to ask Me would I take on a more experienced submissive?....Yes. For Me it would be a learning experience with great feedback, and yes in this instance I would let them "Top from the bottom". With the one girl I scene with regurlarly, I am in control at all times, but I would not turn My back on a learning experience. After all this is what I am after....knowledge and that can only be achieved by learning from those who have it. And I am not talking about the books, though there are some great ones out there, but from those who live the lifestyle. By being active in the local community and going to other cities munches, meeting all of the wonderful people out there, this is where I will gain the knowledge that will gain Me the experience. I hope that makes sense (it does to Me, but I wrote it knowing what I meant ROFL). Again thanks for the post.

MP

_____________________________

Proudly married to the "Diva of Destruction" LadyPact
Though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore - Of Monsters and Men
What is the maximum effective range of an excuse? Zero meters!

(in reply to sabirah)

Post #: 3

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 4:25:30 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sabirah

hello to all

I am very curious to learn how important is the experience level,when it comes to looking and finding a submissive.
.

Experience is never of great importance to me..... in fact... experience could be more of hinderance than an advantage. It can be rather difficult to teach a person what I like..... but if they have ample experience... maybe I have to unteach them on the ways they learned from others before I can actually teach them what I like.

I think what is of greater value is the character and personality of the person. If I have the right character/personality.... I can give them all the experience in the world as we spend out life together. With Alandra, both her and I where very limited in experience... but after some 20 years... we have alot of experience together.... Kyra came to me with extremely limited experience with regards to this lifestyle..... I have years of knowing what I want and I have a girl eager to know what I want without the baggage on how others like it. Life is good.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to sabirah)

Post #: 4

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 4:41:49 PM

Kitte9

Posts: 411
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline

I don't think experience is the end all be all of any relationship. As long as you are willing to listen to one another and grow together, that's one hell of a start in my book.

_____________________________

I am stronger than yesterday

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 5

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 4:45:45 PM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

The level of experience has never been an issue with us. We are more concerned with the person. Their qualities, personality, character, and such are more important to us than their kinks or experience.

K

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 6

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 4:51:35 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

While experience itself doesnt matter one way or another to me, what I call the slave ego does. When a submissive has served before, and thinks they know what will make me happy becasue thats what their former liked, or compares how things are done with how it was done with their former... that gets under my skin quickly. Yes, it is human nature to compare people, but when it comes to things like that they can hinder one's development with a new owner.
Both my boys were essentially new comers when I got them. Angel had a bit of experience as a live in before me, but the experience wasnt a good one and he didnt learn much beyond what she liked from he and the others she had there. When he came to me, it was as if I had a blank slate since none of my interests matched hers anyway.
Fox was a complete blank slate, starting from the first kiss and moving upwards. I prefer someone who has not had too many, if any, experiences to have to work around.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to PlayfulOne)

Post #: 7

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 4:58:05 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
Experience is never of great importance to me..... in fact... experience could be more of hinderance than an advantage. It can be rather difficult to teach a person what I like..... but if they have ample experience... maybe I have to unteach them on the ways they learned from others before I can actually teach them what I like.

I think what is of greater value is the character and personality of the person. If I have the right character/personality.... I can give them all the experience in the world as we spend out life together.

quote:

... I have years of knowing what I want and I have a girl eager to know what I want without the baggage on how others like it. Life is good.

Master gave this reply a big "AMEN!"

These are exactly His thoughts as well. Wonderfully stated, Knight............luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 8

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 6:00:21 PM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

I only really care, when asking about expereience, that the dom answers honestly, and doesn't try and tell me his experience level is the ideal thing for me. I wasn't nessecarily looking for someone with loads of expereience, and heard time and time again how stupid I was for that. Be honest about your lack, and I'm sure you'll find someone willing to help you get rid of it.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 9

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 6:21:05 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

This is my first d/s relationship, as well as my first kink relationship. It didn't matter to him. What did matter was that I knew what I had fantasized about and was ready to try it. And that I was honest and open about my feelings towards things.

One thing he did say was that the last few women he had been with or talked to were hung up on their past partners. And that he really disliked having someone say "that wasn't how my last master did it". Made him feel that they weren't seeing him as a person, but just trying to recreate a memory. Which isn't good for anyone's ego.

Now, he's an old hand at damsel in distress bondage but this is his first d/s relationship also. It mattered to me that he knew what he was doing in rope work, so I didn't get hurt. But I'm just as happy we built this relationship by ourselves and that he wasn't trying to match me up with his memories of his ex, like some of the emails I got seemed to be aiming for. I also wanted to be seen as a person in my own right.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to katie978)

Post #: 10

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 6:21:24 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sabirah

hello to all

I am very curious to learn how important is the experience level,when it comes to looking and finding a submissive.
One of the first questions that pops up when chatting with someone is, What is your experience? I know from my side of the spectrum, I look for one who is experienced, wise, and can aquire subtle authority over me, those qualities are what draws me to a dominant.
So, do most dominants look for someone who maybe sorta new and exhibits an open-mind, or would it be better to seek out the one who has been controlled by another and conditioned to "his" way of thinking already, and then would you have to consider the de-programming stage? Thank you for your time.

I look for a dovetail.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to sabirah)

Post #: 11

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 7:26:18 PM

thefirst121

Posts: 28
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sabirah

hello to all

I am very curious to learn how important is the experience level,when it comes to looking and finding a submissive.
One of the first questions that pops up when chatting with someone is, What is your experience? I know from my side of the spectrum, I look for one who is experienced, wise, and can aquire subtle authority over me, those qualities are what draws me to a dominant.
So, do most dominants look for someone who maybe sorta new and exhibits an open-mind, or would it be better to seek out the one who has been controlled by another and conditioned to "his" way of thinking already, and then would you have to consider the de-programming stage? Thank you for your time.

From my own viewpoint, I don't care if a sub has experience or not and only ask the question to understand the starting point for this girl.

I am experienced compared to a lot and yet inexperienced compared with a few. And yet in what am I more experienced than another??

This is the real question, we all have our strengths and weaknesses, my greatest strength is in my ability to get into the mind of My sub and manipulate it. My biggest weakness is in shibari. And yet a newbie may be quite adept at shibari without having really put this into full effect.

It may not help, but it is my view on this

_____________________________

...Sir K...

(in reply to sabirah)

Post #: 12

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 7:30:45 PM

variation30

Posts: 1190
Joined: 12/1/2007
From: Alabama
Status: offline

as I'm not very experienced, I can't really answer.

_____________________________

all the good ones are collared or lesbians.

or old.

(in reply to sabirah)

Post #: 13

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 7:32:31 PM

MissHarlet

Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline

We were all new once in this lifestyle so I have no problem with a "newbie" IF they have the mindset I enjoy and realize that this is not all about sex or what they see in porn .

My only issue with those with no real time experience or little real time experience is if they are so fearful of makeing it real time that they cant or wont cross that line .. and I waste my time on them.

I agree at times it is easier to teach than to unteach that which someone else has taught.

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to thefirst121)

Post #: 14

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 7:39:20 PM

SunNMoon

Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline

We’re both very new, with limited experiences. I actually like the fact that we’re pretty equally matched in the experienced side of things. They’re things that he is way more experienced in then me and I don’t mind that at all. I’m learning from those things and the same can be said about things that I’ve experienced.

_____________________________

"We agreed to S&M only, sex and mockery." - Gray’s Anatomy.

(in reply to MissHarlet)

Post #: 15

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 7:57:24 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I have two thoughts on this. The first being that I do view experience levels differently depending on the role. A bottom is different than a Top regarding this. It comes from a different perspective. There's a difference depending on which side of the kneel you are on.

D - Have you ever been flogged before.
s- No Ma'am
D - We're going to start with x, go on to y, and then z

Reverse the roles, and there's a change.

s- Have you ever flogged before, Ma'am?
D - No, but it sounds like fun. Let Me practice on you.

Get the point?

The other part of this is willingness. For a sub, experience in x, y, and z doesn't matter to Me half as much as the willingness to learn, to obey, to submit. I've had boys on both ends of the spectrum, and I can tell you that it wasn't their BDSM resume that inclined Me to chose them. It was their inner self, their submissive heart, that made Me want them for My own.

I hope this has helped to answer your question.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SunNMoon)

Post #: 16

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 9:00:44 PM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

I don't care about the experience it's the willingness as others have stated.

Mike

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 17

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/16/2008 9:16:29 PM

kinkypuppy2

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

everyone is different and each are looking for that somthing that only they cvan describe in a person. The key is finding it

_____________________________

See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

(in reply to sabirah)

Post #: 18

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/17/2008 9:06:48 AM

MasterWilliam55

Posts: 361
Joined: 1/27/2006
Status: offline

It's almost always the "person" we are attracted to. It's their attitude that more often than not attracts me. Having said this, I do tend to enjoy the company of the somewhat more experienced types over the less experienced. Yet, my longest term submissive was someone with no experience and only came to me with a deep desire. From this I have to conclude that almost anyone with the right attitude can catch my interest. I suspect this is true for many of us here.

(in reply to kinkypuppy2)

Post #: 19

RE: are you experienced ? - 3/17/2008 9:33:10 AM

FRSguy

Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline

For me experience really isnt that important however, what is important to me is that they dont missrep their likes / dislikes and curiosities... just because someone wants to try something and they fantasize about it dosnt make them into it and unless someone has actually tried something before then its something compleatly new and cant be taken seriously. With subs that are compleatly inexperienced I am really cautious and dont really consider them subs until they have found a nitch.

(in reply to MasterWilliam55)

Post #: 20

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