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RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 9:53:39 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

this slave had an ex tell her once that NO-ONE would want her after he was done with her...

it took about 3 years, accompanied by non-conventional and non-pharmaceutical therapies to work past it. this slave feels nothing for him now. no hatred, no love, just...nothing.

best of luck!!!

What an awful thing for a Master to tell a slave, i am sorry you experienced that kind of pain. i am not sure if my goal is to feel nothing, i can't imagine that. i just don't want to feel the pull and connection..... 3 years and it's time.

awww, thanks velvet, but you give him too much credit calling him a Master. he wasn't...not in the least!!! neither of us knew Master/slave relationships even existed, but this slave submitted to him and served him because that is her mode of expression in a relationship.

that awful thing he said motivated this slave like you wouldn't believe after it was all over. kind of an...oh yeah? well, watch this....

and seriously, it took WORK to get that man out of this slave's head. and the nothing she feels for him HAD to come about---the most important thing was forgiving this slave's self for continuing the relationship for so long. she couldn't even entertain the thought of starting a relationship with someone else with him still up in there.

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 21

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 9:55:17 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

I tend to believe that everyone we encounter and have relationships with have an affect on our lives - being in a personal relationship where love, sex and money are involved just magnifies its. I don't see it as a strange thing and I do not see it as a bad thing unless you (generic) are determined to dwell on the past experience instead of embrace it and learn from it. Doesn't matter if it is 3 months, 3 years or 30 years - there will always be a moment in your life where your mind flashes back, you remember and it touches you inside and out.
Good thing is that what you 'lost' you don't need for the future, because there is always the ability in anyone to move forward and grow something more, not to 'replace' that which is gone, but to improve from the past and add to it.
Although I don't believe that losing is losing in the sense that something is gone, I look at it as something I can get in another way, only brighter and better. But it would be up to the individual to do it.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 22

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 9:55:33 AM

ghitaPVH

Posts: 1363
Joined: 11/14/2007
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I have an ex from 9 years ago. Ive been with my current Sir(and husband) for 6 years now. I still to this day can not come within about 20 paces of the ex without a huge mental urge to fall to my knees. My husband knows this, and we have delt with it...for one, there are a few neighborhoods Im just not allwed to go in...Ive found myself, if I drive within a certain distance of his house, Ive gotten stuck driving in circles around the ex's block for hours and hours and literally had to use my cell phone to call my Sir to get him to order me away. (yea..ok..Ive got some stalker issues...we're dealing with that too..) but my point it, sometimes time doesnt fix things. If I was to describe that relationship with my ex to people on here, I would get told over and over again what an abusive relationship it was. I know, Ive gone through that on here before. Sometimes that doesnt matter, it doesnt matter how anyone else sees your relationship, your thoughts are still your own and often you cant control them. Its more a matter of learning to live with the thoughts you have, more than a matter of learning to change the thoughts....

ghita~

_____________________________

Don't expect anything of me and I promise I'll never disappoint you.

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything. --Nietzsche"

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 23

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 10:01:13 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FRSguy

Ownership has nothing to do with it. Every person that gets involved in a seriouse relationship over a long period of time somewhat goes through this. Lets face it, for a bit of time he was the cream in your coffee. You can say goodbye to all those social pleasentries cause this guy has had your ass... owned ... used it. No matter how much time goes by thats just the way it is. He knows a part of you that once but no longer existed. You are not the person you were when you were with him because he is out of your life and I am sure that when you get around him its more the reminder of who you were and where you were going then as compared to who you are now and where you ended up. He was probably the ancor of your life at one point and my my how easy it is to run back to that feeling of security that exes once brought to us. These emotions I have allways felt are to be respected but what you did feel is most likeley gone forever. You are a different person now. His influance over you has added to who you are. Stay away and move on so to speak and keep the memory in one of those picking flowers with grandma memories and move on. The next man who ownes cant destory those memories or compete with them... he can simply take what is given to him mold you to his idea of perfection unknowingly building on what your ex taught you but you will again be a slightly different person... the same ... but not the same. Once you place this firmly on the shelf you can grow from it. Going back is just probably another train wreck because like it or not this train moves in only one direction.

Thank you so much for this as i think you hit the nail squarely on the head, especially the bolded part. When i am at his house i am always reminded of who i was when i was his and now i have to be a completely different person when i am around him, it feels so foreign and cold to me. i know i overcompensate and act in ways i would never dream of - like when we have discussions i can now tell him i think he's full of shit, playfully of course, but even the reaction i get back feels like a dagger in my heart to hear his laughter and not feel his hand in my hair or the sting of a slap to my face. Maybe i am compelled to show another side out of fear or just trying to force new memories on top of old painful ones, like trying to crush them from my memory, i don't know.

"that feeling of security" i know well... i feel it every time i just walk into his home. But it is an illusion, it is gone, it is what was familiar to me at one time so i supose that is why it is there now.

i will never go back, of that i am sure. i look forward to the day i can place this on the shelf for good, maybe that day will have to wait till my business with him is finalized and i never have to meet with him again, or when he dies.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to FRSguy)

Post #: 24

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 10:02:11 AM

Daddyslilpookie

Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline

Hello I know what you are going through. My advice to you is cut all ties with him I know it will be hard but it what's best for the long run and for your sanity. Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

Princess Andie

"A Woman Loves Only Her Master"

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 25

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 10:14:38 AM

pissdoll

Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline

The long-term relationship of my life left me with quite a bit of Pavlovian conditioning when it was all over.
i had been trained for years to do and think what he wanted.

i felt like you...that there was a huge part of me that he owned that i would never get back, or be free from.

In retrospect i was shell shocked the first year after our relationship ended.
After the first year, i realized it was okay to begin living my life in the manner i was interested in living it.

But i would say for several years he was definitely "rolling around" in my head.
it's very hard to get someone "out" who worked for so long to become so deeply intrenched in your psyche.
it's very hard to feel "whole" again.

bottom line is it just takes time and space. it doesn't happen overnight, or in a day, or a month, or even a year.
it will happen gradually, where one day you will "hear the bell" (so to speak) but will realize you aren't "drooling."

THAT is the precise moment you will have closure.

i wish it were easier than that. i wish it was possible to get that piece back. but agree with those who posted that you don't get the piece back....you become something (someone) new that is whole, and that old piece no longer fits.

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 26

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 10:16:00 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

this slave had an ex tell her once that NO-ONE would want her after he was done with her...

it took about 3 years, accompanied by non-conventional and non-pharmaceutical therapies to work past it. this slave feels nothing for him now. no hatred, no love, just...nothing.

best of luck!!!

What an awful thing for a Master to tell a slave, i am sorry you experienced that kind of pain. i am not sure if my goal is to feel nothing, i can't imagine that. i just don't want to feel the pull and connection..... 3 years and it's time.

awww, thanks velvet, but you give him too much credit calling him a Master. he wasn't...not in the least!!! neither of us knew Master/slave relationships even existed, but this slave submitted to him and served him because that is her mode of expression in a relationship.

that awful thing he said motivated this slave like you wouldn't believe after it was all over. kind of an...oh yeah? well, watch this....

and seriously, it took WORK to get that man out of this slave's head. and the nothing she feels for him HAD to come about---the most important thing was forgiving this slave's self for continuing the relationship for so long. she couldn't even entertain the thought of starting a relationship with someone else with him still up in there.

Sorry i called him a Master - even if he considered himself one he wouldn't deserve the repspect of being refered to as one.

i have had that "oh yeah well watch this" kind of attitude in the past and it was motivational in terms of helping me move on and do what i had to to get over the pain. i had a very abusive relationship in my early 20's (not D/s) and that attitude i developed saved me as i was allwoing myself to go down the drain and fast - i was determined not to let what happened destroy me.

But this is different, i don't want to hate or be angry or destroy - i just want to be able to breath easier and open up my life again and not feel like anything is holding me back.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 27

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 10:22:13 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Good thing is that what you 'lost' you don't need for the future, because there is always the ability in anyone to move forward and grow something more, not to 'replace' that which is gone, but to improve from the past and add to it.
Although I don't believe that losing is losing in the sense that something is gone, I look at it as something I can get in another way, only brighter and better. But it would be up to the individual to do it.

the.dark.

This is precisely the attitude i used to have and the attitude which made it possible for me to move on and forge new relationships. When i broke up, even amidst the pain i used to tell myself that as much as it hurts now it will hurt less and less as time goes by. i used to say to myself to look forward to the next person to come into your life, and i would actually get excited at the prospect of finding my next partner. i never back pedeled with anyone - when the break was made i never went back and while i do remember all my ex's they don't stir up emotions that confuse me in any way and they have no energy to influence me anymore - they are just that memories.. i am in control not the memory.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 28

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 10:29:46 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ghitaPVH

I have an ex from 9 years ago. Ive been with my current Sir(and husband) for 6 years now. I still to this day can not come within about 20 paces of the ex without a huge mental urge to fall to my knees. My husband knows this, and we have delt with it...for one, there are a few neighborhoods Im just not allwed to go in...Ive found myself, if I drive within a certain distance of his house, Ive gotten stuck driving in circles around the ex's block for hours and hours and literally had to use my cell phone to call my Sir to get him to order me away. (yea..ok..Ive got some stalker issues...we're dealing with that too..) but my point it, sometimes time doesnt fix things. If I was to describe that relationship with my ex to people on here, I would get told over and over again what an abusive relationship it was. I know, Ive gone through that on here before. Sometimes that doesnt matter, it doesnt matter how anyone else sees your relationship, your thoughts are still your own and often you cant control them. Its more a matter of learning to live with the thoughts you have, more than a matter of learning to change the thoughts....

ghita~

It's amazing what impressions people can leave with us and how deeply affected we can become that compel us to do the things we do when they are gone from our lives. i used to go out of my way to drive by his house, very irrational and immature i told myself, this was when we first split and i didn't have to have any contact with him at all. If i looked in a crystal ball 20 years ago and saw myself doing that i would have said omg what an idiot you turned out to be you pathetic creature lol..... but i am older and a bit wiser and kinder to myself and others who go through intense emotional stuff that makes them do seemingly irrational things.

It doesn't matter what kind of relationship it was ghita you were profoundly affected by this man and how you react is a by product of all that you went through with him. Your lucky to have a husband who understand the fraility of human emotions and can help you deal with this rather than berate you for it. Thanks for sharing.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to ghitaPVH)

Post #: 29

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 10:31:35 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddyslilpookie

Hello I know what you are going through. My advice to you is cut all ties with him I know it will be hard but it what's best for the long run and for your sanity. Best of luck to you.

Part of me wishes i could, but right now it just isn't possible. i look forward to the day i can - and also in a way will be sad, but i know it will be necessary so it will be done when the time comes. i am working hard to get there.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to Daddyslilpookie)

Post #: 30

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 10:43:54 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pissdoll

bottom line is it just takes time and space. it doesn't happen overnight, or in a day, or a month, or even a year.
it will happen gradually, where one day you will "hear the bell" (so to speak) but will realize you aren't "drooling."

THAT is the precise moment you will have closure.

i wish it were easier than that. i wish it was possible to get that piece back. but agree with those who posted that you don't get the piece back....you become something (someone) new that is whole, and that old piece no longer fits.

i think it's easier to evolve into something "new" when we're younger. i know i had not much difficulty in this respect years ago. It's harder when you are older i think.

i like the Pavlovian analogy - when you are in a D/s relationship you do get conditioned to respond and react in certain ways. my ex was very specific with how he wanted me to behave, react, respond etc and he expected me to strive for perfection in everything i did, as long as i strived for it, if i didn't achieve it, striving for it was enough - he was demanding of my time and always had me goal oriented.... i thrived with this kind of treatment.... now it is gone and i don't have that push from him anymore, no more expectations, rules, rituals, goals to work towards - i have to rely on myself which is fine i am capable but when around him the reminder is there. It's different having a mental reminder than actually visiting a physical reminder - i have to adjust my thinking.

Maybe you all are right i will never get that piece back - maybe if i did i wouldn;t want it or it would not fit anymore. Maybe i should tell him to keep it. Part of what bothers me is i know he knows he still has an effect in me and i don't like feeling that vulnerability.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to pissdoll)

Post #: 31

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 11:17:13 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
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piss doll is back!!!! I have so missed piss doll.

I don't personally see the significance of bdsm and the "owning' of someone passed the run of the relationship. It is just simply a relationship thang.

The only people I dwell on are the ones that I have some unfinished business with....Or possibly that while they were lacking they might have possessed some of the best throat and go-go hole this side of the mighty Mississippi.

Either way move on. You do yourself as well as those that await in your future a tremendous disservice.

_____________________________

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 32

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 11:54:31 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

piss doll is back!!!! I have so missed piss doll.

I don't personally see the significance of bdsm and the "owning' of someone passed the run of the relationship. It is just simply a relationship thang.

The only people I dwell on are the ones that I have some unfinished business with....Or possibly that while they were lacking they might have possessed some of the best throat and go-go hole this side of the mighty Mississippi.

Either way move on. You do yourself as well as those that await in your future a tremendous disservice.

i never did either and never experienced it till this past relationship. i was always of the mind when it's over it's over. Thanks for the kind words, i hope one day to truly feel that.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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Post #: 33

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 11:57:31 AM

velvetears

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Joined: 6/19/2006
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Thanks so much everyone for your input and advice, i really appreciate it, it has helped me gain new insight and not feel so alone and weary. Got to go to work, nothing like 30 hours overtime to cear ones head lol.... have a great night all!

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 34

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 5:24:16 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Does he use the same cologne? Because smell takes us back really fast, and I'm not sure how to overcome that except use perfume of your own to block his.

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Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 35

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 5:46:56 PM

DelilahDeb

Posts: 429
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

velvetears, it's not about time, it's about the connection you both forged and have broken with considerable effort. His offers of play indicate (to me) that he may not have cut the (sorry if this sounds woo-woo) psychic connection himself. I suggest to you that you make a conscious effort to do so...use symbols, spiritual means, prayer, whatever works for you. My first marriage was like that...in that, I allowed him to make me the symbol of his self-worth, and then had real trouble climbing off the pedestal. Some of the actions I've taken since to help me heal up are "magical"...disconnecting his wagon from my star. All very woo-woo sounding, but perhaps you get my drift.

Best wishes for your continued healing,
Delilah Deb

_____________________________

"All acts of love & pleasure are My rituals."
--from the Charge of the Goddess, a Wiccan teaching

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 36

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 7:38:52 PM

SinergyNstrumpet

Posts: 305
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ut i guess my question to anyone reading this post is, will this always be the way it is, was he right in that there will always be a part of me he still "owns"? If it had only been 6 months i would say time, but 3 years later?

There is one man in my past that impacted me like that, my husband. Eventually he did not impact me like that anymore. I believe about 4 years ago I finally truly got over any hold he had on me. He was the father of my UM. When my former dom and I parted ways I thought that he would own a piece of my heart. It only took until I met my Daddy that I knew for sure this was not true.

On the other hand when my Daddy and I parted ways last summer for a few months, I was so devastated I probably should have been on medication for it. My heart raced, and my pulse was unsettled, I could neither eat nor sleep. Not even my ex husband did that to me, my heart literally broke. I hope I never have to find out how long it takes to "get over" him.

I believe that when whatever is binding the two of you into seeing each other twice a month is done that you will be able to get that piece back.

Or there maybe another solution, get used to that piece not being there anymore.

julia

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 37

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 7:42:53 PM

Leatherist

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Joined: 12/11/2007
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Eventually you go numb to it.

I've had a couple of past partners want to come back to "play". But I'm not gonna go there-thier attitudes towards fucking around were what made us break up to begin with-and I don't need to be reminded of it.

_____________________________

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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Post #: 38

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 7:52:27 PM

greenearth21

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Joined: 7/9/2006
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As cliche as it may be...I think time heals all wounds...okay may be not so much but I think with due time things find their own place. That time is unknown maybe 10 years maybe 5....but at some point ( I hope and think) i'm sure it'll get to a point where you'll get past those feelings and feel....indifferent (no love, no hate) but just see him as a past experience.
I'm a firm believer of being true to yourself...esp your feelings and you've shared how you feel when you are around him...but maybe what he told you (about an ex having some sort of ownership even after the relationship is over) stuck with you, therefore you yield to those...desires/thoughts.
As long as you know what you want (not him) just go through your emotions and let them run its course, but not to so much to the point where you do your future partners a disservice ( i think someone said that already)

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 39

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 8:08:13 PM

Kirren

Posts: 580
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline

Each person deals with these things differently. I hate My kids father, I was with him for 8 1/2 years...but I used to wonder if something happened to people in My family that I loved...would he be there? I couldnt imagine D, who I have been with for 5 years now being there to help Me thru it....

But then...I realized, he wasnt really ever there for Me to begin with.

The hard part is that last lil bit of live skin that has to be ripped off and allowed to bleed before the wound can heal. If you were together for a while, then you have a familiarity thing...I think My brother in law once compared D to a sock...he said that your mind is the best part of you...and that your skin is stupid...when you take a sock off, it has the lil imprints of the sock still...and you feel like you have the sock on even tho you dont....your skin hasnt told your mind the sock is gone...your mind tells you to look down and realize that the sock is gone so that your skin can follow.

If you and the ex had an amazing bedroom chemistry then your skin thinks the sock is still there...its time for your mind to tell your skin that the sock is gone. Thats hard. It really is...because some part of you needs the familiar feel of the lint between your toes...and thats okay. Some part of you needs that person for what ever role he filled in your life...even if it was leaving the seat up, or tracking mud on a clean floor.

The trick is realizing that some people are so special...(even if its the kind of special that comes with a helmet and a short bus) that they come into our lives, change it forever and then are gone....

I would suggest that you get a note book and when you miss him...when you really want him..face it...dont ignore it...so that you KNOW what good things you had with him, so that you can find them in some one who is able to compliment you, and give you the rest of the good things that you want...and need as a person.

For example...say...."I dreamed of x last night and I liked the way he smiled" skip details...thats almost like self mutilation...

Its important also, since I am oblivious to the thread title til just now...like the bone head I have proven to be today....that you realize that noone, I dont care what kind of relationship you have with them...has any part of you unless you choose to give it to them...and just like anything else you give them ( be it socks...since I seem so fond of them today...or t shirts or cd's) you can take that back....you just need the ability to do so.

I most assuredly wouldnt suggest getting with him for anything physical...as that will drag things out and make it harder on you in the long run.

I wish you the best of luck...

_____________________________

Everything has been said before
There's nothing left to say anymore
When it's all the same
You can ask for it by name

Did I fail to mention...I am a BITCH?

(in reply to greenearth21)

Post #: 40

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