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RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 8:24:15 PM

chellekitty

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quote:

Velvet, all I can tell you is what I did. I avoided beginning a new relationship until I knew there wasn't going to be a ghost jepardizing a new relationship. I had to. It would not have been fair to the new person.

I focused on taking care of me. Personal growth, trying to learn more to avoid the mistakes I made in the past.

this is my advice...my first Master abandonded me, litterally, about half a month before my 20th birthday after a year and a half of a 24/7 relationship where we never spent more than one night apart...it took until last summer - after my 24th birthday to realize that what he did was abandon me...drop me off at my parents, say he would be back after he had earned money (we had financial problems), and i never spoke to him again....
like that crazy domiguy said...it was unfinished buisness that kept me dwelling...i had to finish it all on my own...it took a long time and a lot of shit going wrong and then therapy and finally a long time as a single person, just taking care of me, a LOT of spiritual growth...
i am not who i was a year ago...i don't recognize the person i was a year ago...i am in a relationship now that is more healthy than any i have ever been in, at least i think it is...i am being true to myself...on all levels...i am not compromising anything...and that is a true relief....but i could not have this without the growth i have done, all on my own...well, with my friends and family and support system....but not in a romantic D/s relaitonship...

good luck,
chelle

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 41

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 9:37:36 PM

DisenchantedLife

Posts: 193
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I feel you Velvet. I'm going through similiar. Not the same of course. When I think I'm about to see my ex (especially if I know for sure) I have panic attacks. In the wee hours of the night, I simply just miss him. The good times. Then of course the self berating starts. How can I miss him? Yet i do. Apart of me still loves him. Apart of me is sad for the loss of what could have been. I often wish for the way things could of been. Yet at the same time, I know things were never the way they were supposed to be. I miss a lie. Knowing that I miss a lie, doesn't really help. The false reality, felt so real, real enough. I know he isnt who i always thought he was. I miss the man I thought he was. The man he did his damndest to show me. It is unfortunate the the man he showed me was not the man he was and the man he was, was ripping me apart. I do, in a way know how you feel.

I gave every ounce of myself to a lie. How do you move on from that? How to you even contemplate entering another relationship? I can't even fathom being with another human being. Even if its all a lie - it still holds me.

I am often angry with myself for feeling this way. But ::shrugs:: there is more to life than this. I recognize it, I see it, its there - but I've got shit to do. The laundry needs to be done, ya know? So I just push on. One day, maybe, in years to come, I will find somebody else. Maybe it will be just a mutal friendship. Maybe I will find some one day that I'd like to co exist with? Maybe I will never have emotions play a role in another relationship for me. And maybe, one day, I will find some one that will be able to level with me and something can go some where. Who knows, who cares - I've got shit to do. = )

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I'm pretty sure I've turned into a bitter bitch with a huge shovel. One of these days I'm going to exchange the shovel for a hoe

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Post #: 42

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 9:40:11 PM

Luciferica

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Joined: 3/18/2008
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It's better than waking up screaming because your afraid he's there...I scared my husband the other night because he was watching me sleep and I woke from a dream about my Ex, saw his shadow and started shreiking and looking for stuff to throw until I realized it wasn't him. You never get that part back...

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)

Post #: 43

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/18/2008 9:55:21 PM

DisenchantedLife

Posts: 193
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Nah not yet and don't go implanting that into my head. If i have a nightmare tonight - you know who I'm hollaring at. LOL I agree, much better than waking up screaming. The worst I've gotten is dreaming he was in my neighborhood and often waking up locking my windows, or double checking the locks.

What a scary thought. Maybe I should buy a metal ball bat and stick it next to my bed now. Zomg what if he was there when I woke up? Mebbe he'd be charming and manipulating trying to convince me to see his logical. I'll probably need some mace next to my bed now too. Mace and run!

Har! What a terrible thing to say before some one's about to go to bed. I dont even have a bat or mace yet. = (

_____________________________

I'm pretty sure I've turned into a bitter bitch with a huge shovel. One of these days I'm going to exchange the shovel for a hoe

(in reply to Luciferica)

Post #: 44

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/19/2008 7:25:53 AM

velvetears

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Joined: 6/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Does he use the same cologne? Because smell takes us back really fast, and I'm not sure how to overcome that except use perfume of your own to block his.

Smells can have an effect on me, even sounds. i don't think blocking the smell of his cologne would help... to many other variables add into the mix.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 45

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/19/2008 7:34:05 AM

velvetears

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Joined: 6/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DelilahDeb

velvetears, it's not about time, it's about the connection you both forged and have broken with considerable effort. His offers of play indicate (to me) that he may not have cut the (sorry if this sounds woo-woo) psychic connection himself. I suggest to you that you make a conscious effort to do so...use symbols, spiritual means, prayer, whatever works for you. My first marriage was like that...in that, I allowed him to make me the symbol of his self-worth, and then had real trouble climbing off the pedestal. Some of the actions I've taken since to help me heal up are "magical"...disconnecting his wagon from my star. All very woo-woo sounding, but perhaps you get my drift.

Best wishes for your continued healing,
Delilah Deb

i think his offers to play are his way to see if he can gain any sort of hold or control over me again. In the very beginning of our split i did play, but in the back of my mind i had this thought that if i did he would realize how much he wanted me and we would get back together. He would always preface the play with "i want you to realize this collar i am putting on you is only for the time we play, during that time you will act as my slave and i will be your Master, when we are done we go back to who wewere with each other, just friends" When your heart and emotions are all tangled up and you have hopes that someone will play with you and feel your devotion and want you back, than they don't and when it's done they can get up and brush themselves off and go into a different mode while your left there wondering what the hell just happened. i tend to think he got the reaction he wanted and there's no way in hell i will ever be in that position ever again with him.

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Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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Post #: 46

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/19/2008 7:46:45 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SinergyNstrumpet

There is one man in my past that impacted me like that, my husband. Eventually he did not impact me like that anymore. I believe about 4 years ago I finally truly got over any hold he had on me. He was the father of my UM. When my former dom and I parted ways I thought that he would own a piece of my heart. It only took until I met my Daddy that I knew for sure this was not true.

On the other hand when my Daddy and I parted ways last summer for a few months, I was so devastated I probably should have been on medication for it. My heart raced, and my pulse was unsettled, I could neither eat nor sleep. Not even my ex husband did that to me, my heart literally broke. I hope I never have to find out how long it takes to "get over" him.

I believe that when whatever is binding the two of you into seeing each other twice a month is done that you will be able to get that piece back.

Or there maybe another solution, get used to that piece not being there anymore.

julia

Thats the cundrum for me - i have no real internal desire to meet anyone. i crave "stuff" but can't garner any real interest in pursuing anything. i don't want to end up using someone just to get over this hump, when i present myself to someone i want to be fully focused on what i am engaging in and able to fully commit. i can't do that now, even though perhaps meeting someone that was a perfect match, like you did, would probably be a wonderful means to redirect and put the past in perspective.

i went through a series of physical symptoms mush like you did.... it's truly awful to feel physically ill over someone. Makes functioning really difficult.One of the reasons i am not eager to get back on that wagon again. i don't know if i can take another fall.

i am hoping to finish up our business as quickly as possible - i am very goal directed at doing everything i can to achieve that end.

i am glad you were able to work things out with your daddy, it is very evident in your postings how much you adore him and how connected you feel to him.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to SinergyNstrumpet)

Post #: 47

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/19/2008 7:53:49 AM

velvetears

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Eventually you go numb to it.

I've had a couple of past partners want to come back to "play". But I'm not gonna go there-thier attitudes towards fucking around were what made us break up to begin with-and I don't need to be reminded of it.

i don't think my goal is to go numb. i want to remember and retain the fond memories and be able to be face to face with the man and not have the realization that he still owns some part of me, a part i have no idea how to let go of or get back even.....i don't want to feel happy, warm and secure when i am around him because it's simply not real - in a way i suppose it is delusional, although i don't believe i am truly happy and secure, i realize it's not true - hope that makes sense. It's irrational i know, but there it is and i have to acknowledge it.

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Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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Post #: 48

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/19/2008 8:06:20 AM

velvetears

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Joined: 6/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: greenearth21

As cliche as it may be...I think time heals all wounds...okay may be not so much but I think with due time things find their own place. That time is unknown maybe 10 years maybe 5....but at some point ( I hope and think) i'm sure it'll get to a point where you'll get past those feelings and feel....indifferent (no love, no hate) but just see him as a past experience.
I'm a firm believer of being true to yourself...esp your feelings and you've shared how you feel when you are around him...but maybe what he told you (about an ex having some sort of ownership even after the relationship is over) stuck with you, therefore you yield to those...desires/thoughts.
As long as you know what you want (not him) just go through your emotions and let them run its course, but not to so much to the point where you do your future partners a disservice ( i think someone said that already)

i read a thread when a poster mentioned indifference - i responded that i would rather feel haterd, or wrath from someone than indifference because at least with hatred you know you made an impression or left a mark on someone's life. i think that is what inspired me to post this thread because it immediately took me back to what i am trying to process now. i feel his indifference and after having been with him when i certainly felt a strong bond and connection the indifference makes me re question everything we shared together. Were we in two seperate realities yet together? did i read him so poorly because i was projecting onto him attributes and feelings i wanted to be there? So many unanswered questions. We never discussed breaking up - i tried but he simply refused. in fact we never broke up we just dissipated, like water that slowly evaporated. He doesn't like confrontation or emotionality. So i let it go and just stopped being with him.

i thought about that as well greenearth, that he planted a seed in my head and it grew. i saw over the years how he kept his ex slaves connected to him in subtle ways - his excuse to this was - they will always be family to me and i will always be there for them if they need me and they know that. i don't think that's as altruistic as he wants it to appear - i think he likes knowing or feeling he can retain some control or effect on people.

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Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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Post #: 49

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/19/2008 8:17:59 AM

velvetears

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Joined: 6/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirren

But then...I realized, he wasnt really ever there for Me to begin with.

Towards the end of our relationship i felt this way and the realization was painful, put me into panic attacks and emotionally devestating. It was easy to see the necessity of moving on and realizing i wasn't going to have the support i needed from him, he was always going to give me what he thought was good for me or what he felt like giving me irregardless of it's effect... well it wasn't. You can't lay in a hospital bed for 2 weeks and get no visit and feel valued, just not possible for me. It surfaced a painful reality that i wasn't valued very much - at least my feelings. i felt abandoned and bewildered. You don't bounce back from that without some work, some discussion with your partner, some explanation as to why, etc. This is where, when i start to feel those feelings when i see him now i can be hard on myself when i remember these types of things he did. i know i could never trust him again enough to be in my life as my Master again, that memory as well as others has solidified that.... but these inappropriate feelings just nag at me and confuse me. i should feel nothing, yet i don't.

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Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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Post #: 50

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/19/2008 8:33:50 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

it was unfinished buisness that kept me dwelling...i had to finish it all on my own...it took a long time and a lot of shit going wrong and then therapy and finally a long time as a single person, just taking care of me, a LOT of spiritual growth...

i am sorry you had the experience you had with this guy - how horrible that must have been for you i cannot even imagine. i am glad you were able to put your life back on track and move on. It awful to be stuck in negative emotional places.

i think that is perhaps a large part of my own difficulty, i had to finish it on my own. i think if two people really have a bond and share love, they break it off gently, kindly and with respect for what they shared - i don't feel i got any of that. i could see being treated like that if i were some kind of stalker personality or irrational and he was fearful of me doing something dreadful but he knows i am not like that. i can get emotional yes, but i would have at least walked away feeling some kind of value. i did write him emails right before i actually did completely cut him out of my life and up until that point i was still helping him out - doing errands, cooking laundry, cleaning, changing leg bandages etc. He needed someone to help him and i was there for him till i was so emotionally drained i literally moved away (3 states away) to be able to get my footing back and my distance from him i needed for my own sanity. i returned stronger and more capable of handling things.

He will never affect me like that again, i have done a lot of work to be in the place i am now and it's been quite a ride. i don't want to go on this roller coaster ever again.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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Post #: 51

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/19/2008 8:45:19 AM

velvetears

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Joined: 6/19/2006
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Disenchanted i think when we grieve lost relationships it's usually the "what could have been" that we grieve, so much self recrimination - if only i did xyz, if only i had been more xyz.... it's not healthy to stay in that place too long becuase it serves no real purpose and only prolongs the misery. i too "Miss the man i thought he was" and miss parts of the man he truly is. Knowing you can't go back and fix it is painful.

i can fathom being with another i just don't have really enough desire right now to really pursue it with any sort of effort or purpose. i don't know if it is something i should push myself to do or let it be. my panacea is to work as many hours as i can to keep busy.

i understand about the lies - you can lie to yourself because you don't want to face the truth for only so long. Eventually reality creeps up and you can't ignore it any longer - that's why the panic attacks begin - the truth can be so hard to deal with it literally sends us into a state of feeling you literally cannot survive any longer. For peple who never experience them, they are very difficult to explain - for those who do i am sure they understand what i am talking about. i would not wish them on my worste enemy.

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Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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Post #: 52

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/19/2008 8:47:15 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Luciferica

It's better than waking up screaming because your afraid he's there...I scared my husband the other night because he was watching me sleep and I woke from a dream about my Ex, saw his shadow and started shreiking and looking for stuff to throw until I realized it wasn't him. You never get that part back...

That must be horrible to live with. i hope one day you find peace and can lay your head on a pillow and be free of those kinds of fears.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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Post #: 53

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/19/2008 9:07:41 AM

SinergyNstrumpet

Posts: 305
Joined: 2/26/2008
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quote:

Thats the cundrum for me - i have no real internal desire to meet anyone. i crave "stuff" but can't garner any real interest in pursuing anything. i don't want to end up using someone just to get over this hump, when i present myself to someone i want to be fully focused on what i am engaging in and able to fully commit. i can't do that now, even though perhaps meeting someone that was a perfect match, like you did, would probably be a wonderful means to redirect and put the past in perspective.

When my mother was 40 she lost her husband of 23 years, they loved each other and were happily married. I have never seen such deep grief. It took a year and then she started seeing a man that had went through a divorce. He had been married for 20 years. They had that in common. It was not supposed to be a "forever" situation. My mom was still grieving, so was this man... she ended up spending over 20 years with him too.

My mom still has dreams about my father. It has been over 25 years since he died. She still thinks about him. She will never get that piece of herself back. Like LaT said, she wouldn't want to. Sometimes if we pulled on a thread that size, the entire tapestry would unravel. So, this man just might be that substantial thread in your life.

I see nothing wrong with dating and making new friends.... and letting them know where you are in your heart right up front. You maybe surprised what can happen if you let other people in... not as a replacement to what you lost, or to fill a hole... but just allowing friendships to be what they are.

I really wish you luck

julia

< Message edited by SinergyNstrumpet -- 3/19/2008 9:08:56 AM >

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 54

RE: Will i ever get that piece of me back? - 3/19/2008 9:12:47 AM

thetammyjo

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Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Positive or negative experiences all change us and I do not think it is possible to go back to the original state.

So you can only work on going ahead. Over time, as you develop other parts of yourself and expand those parts that were affected, the pain will lessen until hopefully the negative is just a dull feeling. At least that's been my experience as a dominant who went through a very painful ending of a "DS" dynamic many years ago.

i don't really feel the pain of the break up anymore, in that sense i have moved on, it's this annoying feeling of - how can this person still affect my emotions (in the present) after all this time. i know it's not possible to go back to the original state and thats most of what tears a person apart when they first break up - it did me and took a long time to process and get over. That aspect is worked out - this little remnant remains like a thorn in my side though.

Perhaps you are expecting too much from yourself?

Pain is part of the human experience, all sorts of pain. Stop expecting that you'll get over it and just keep moving forward, taking the comfort from friends, being cautious and honest with potential partners, and in time it gets better though I can't say honestly that it completely goes away.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

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(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 55

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