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Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 12:53:00 AM   
kciDOM


Posts: 16
Joined: 9/1/2007
Status: offline 		Well to start off ive been interested and studing the lifestyle for awhile now and feel that im ready to realy start living and playing,  the only concern of mine is weve all been taught to from early on to treat people with respect and be nice to one another.  Ive come to realize that the problem is im aving a hard time overcoming my niceness.  Any advice would be welcomed..  thank in advance 
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RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 1:20:49 AM   
babyboytoy


Posts: 1
Joined: 2/17/2007
Status: offline 		try this dear....you still ARE being nice....infact your being as nice as possible, your give your sub exactly what they want, your loveing them in the exact way they need, your giving them more pleasure then anyone else could hope too, your RESPECTING THEM better then anyone else.

thats how i see it anyway YMMV

(in reply to kciDOM)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 1:27:20 AM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		I treat everyone with the utmost respect. BDSM isn't an excuse for bad manners.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.


(in reply to babyboytoy)
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RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 1:32:08 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		So you are a nice, a respectful, and perchance even a polite dom. Seems laudable to me; nothing wrong with that. Why would one endeavour to be something they are not?

< Message edited by Rule -- 3/19/2008 1:34:11 AM >

(in reply to kciDOM)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 1:43:30 AM   
Quadrum


Posts: 10
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline 		I could describe myself as loving, caring, protective. though when needed ( or wanted ) i come down with an iron fist, making her bow to my will.

The only thing you actually have to do is be you. If know what you are. You'll do just fine.

I wish you good luck in your search !

(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 2:11:35 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		If you're equating 'Dominant' with 'arsehole', you've got a ways to go yet - unless you're into harassing fem/subs with "kneel bitch" geek mail, of course....
 
Focus.

(in reply to kciDOM)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 3:46:29 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Realize that, in some areas, the Golden Rule does NOT apply. There are people who do NOT want you to treat them as you would treat yourself. But, get a clear understanding of how that works for them and you before trying to Top, Dominate or Master them.

I highly recommend getting out into your local community and go to meetings, socials, demos and parties. The more you are around people who do this, the easier things will be. Study people. If you see something you like, be it play or dynamic, ask the Top/Dom/Master about it. Believe me, we all like to share out skill and opinions. ;-)

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to kciDOM)
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RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 4:49:16 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		I always have respect for my submissive and I am nice to him as well. Could it be your having trouble with physical contact? Say like flogging and spanking? I know as children we are taught it isn't nice to hit and in most circumstances it isn't. But in BDSM its ok as long as its consensual and done safely.

Another factor is confidence as you go along this path and gain experience your confidence level will go up as well. Just keep in mind there is no official BDSM relationship handbook nor does one person know everthing there is to know about it. You just have to pick out what sounds sane to you and leave the rest.

Relationships are as unique as snowflakes, so you must form yours with a partner.

Good luck,
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to kciDOM)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 5:16:12 AM   
kciDOM


Posts: 16
Joined: 9/1/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your excellent advice,  I guess the main part of where the problem is givng orders and other more verbal things...  We have done the punishments and physical type stuff pretty well but when it comes to some of the verbal stuff is where I am getting caught up at.... As she is really big into verbal humiation...

(in reply to Lashra)
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RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 5:22:56 AM   
Luciferica


Posts: 231
Joined: 3/18/2008
Status: offline 		It's not really that your treating someone badly, everything you do is out of love, it's easier to think of it that way.

(in reply to kciDOM)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 5:27:33 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Luciferica

It's not really that your treating someone badly, everything you do is out of love, it's easier to think of it that way.


What about when you dont love em?

Hmm basically its not nasty if the other person enjoys it, but as the Dominant you get to choose what you want to do and what you dont, if you dont feel comfy with some things then you dont have to do them its kinda your perogative


_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
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I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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(in reply to Luciferica)
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RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 5:41:10 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Im with the op on the verbal humilation part. I have no problem wacking someone with a flogger. When it comes to verbal thats another story. Im slowly comming along with it but it is something I can do without.

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 5:53:42 AM   
lally3


Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		clearly her needs are important to you, but as coulourdin says, theres a bit of a twist here. 

in a way, by providing her with something youre not comfortable with youre having to squash your prefferance not to and do it anyway, which being a Dom is a double whammy really.  maybe part of your discomfort is because there is a slight role reversal going on here, youre not in control of this.

i can totally understand where you are here.  id find it imossible to be rude and insulting to someone, especially to someone i love and respect.

i think that maybe you need to hoik this back to where you feel in control and if that means no verbal humiliation for subbie then it does, at least until you can get your head around it.

it sounds like everything else is great and maybe, possibly if you can practice saying things in your head for a while, eventually it will evolve in its own time.  but if you cant then dont.  she'll have to live with it, she's the sub youre the Dom and thats the nature of the beast.

good luck


(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 6:01:02 AM   
Luciferica


Posts: 231
Joined: 3/18/2008
Status: offline 		It's difficult to have a good relationship with anyone you don't care for..it's fleeting and temporary, but I'm a "Owns your whole soul for the rest of your life." kinda gal, so I don't really dig causual affairs, if you don't love them then be firm,fair, and use good judgement I guess is all you can do.

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 7:58:31 AM   
kinkypuppy2


Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline 		Nothing wrong with niceness or even being polite.
Looking another in the eyes when speaking with them. that takes a while sometimes.

_____________________________

See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

(in reply to kciDOM)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 8:04:45 AM   
warrenwriter


Posts: 43
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Ive come to realize that the problem is im aving a hard time overcoming my niceness.


No reason to overcome a good quality and substitute it for a bad one.  Being "nice" and being "Dominant" are not mutually exclusive.  If they were, I'd have stopped being a Dominant a long long time ago.  Remember that when you're engaging in Top/bottom play, it's different for everybody.  If you're a Dominant fulfilling a role as a disciplinarian for a submissive, you can still be nice, just as a parent is nice to their child.  It's when that submissive gets out of line that they deserve punishment.  And if you're too nice to inflict physical punishment, remember that denial works perfectly well.

Don't change who you are because of some perceived expectation of what a Dominant male is.  We're all different, and we all appeal to different types of submissives.

(in reply to kinkypuppy2)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 8:24:51 AM   
SunNMoon


Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kciDOM

Thank you all for your excellent advice,  I guess the main part of where the problem is givng orders and other more verbal things...  We have done the punishments and physical type stuff pretty well but when it comes to some of the verbal stuff is where I am getting caught up at.... As she is really big into verbal humiation...


If she likes to be called slut, whore ect and it makes her turn into goo. Then it's really the same as calling her baby, sweetheart ect. The end result is still a happy gooey person so all good. Just remember to talk to her to find out if they're are any trigger words that would end up with hurt feelings instead.

_____________________________

"We agreed to S&M only, sex and mockery." - Gray’s Anatomy.

(in reply to kciDOM)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 8:35:42 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		There is a time and place for everything. Sometimes, just sometimes when in a play session that what is needed is for you to assume the role of a nasty, dirty mouthed mean asshole. rem,ember I said Assume The Role. Like all role playing, you need to get out of the role when finished and often enough your sub/slave needs you to be your normal self when he or she are comming down from the play session. Some of the best Dominants I know including a couple of the most sadistic, are always well mannered. Power doesn't come from being a brutal bad mouthed asehole but from thr retention of a selce of self worth, giving respect and retaining self control even under extreme provocation and stress.

Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)


"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)



(in reply to SunNMoon)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 10:53:42 AM   
AMaster


Posts: 814
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline 		1- I could not dominate someone  I did not respect. Why expend all the time and effort on someone who means nothing to you?
2- You are giving another what she craves and needs- it that not being kind?

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Needs some advice - 3/19/2008 11:08:57 AM   
Gemini1766


Posts: 991
Joined: 3/7/2008
Status: offline 		I'm kind. I had a damned hard time with the idea of physically striking another at first. Then my sub took the time to explain exactly the same ideas here. She told me it makes her feel good, she loves it, and craved it. Same with verbal humiliation. So, while I would never call a woman, "whore" "cunt" "cockhole" or such in normal every day life and converstation, when it comes to doing it for a scene, and bringing my pet to sub space, it has become natural to go into that place and do it with the knowledge that it is what she craves.

(in reply to AMaster)
Profile   Post #: 20
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