RE: Negative Pasts, Rocky todays and throwing the "White Flag".. (Full Version)

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Owner4SexSlave -> RE: Negative Pasts, Rocky todays and throwing the "White Flag".. (3/20/2008 11:01:02 AM)

I have been having a difficult time with myself since I have admitted to myself and others, about my last round of alcohol abuse that lasted for 6-7 months.

How it started near the end of a failing long term relationship.  It was the start of my own personal pity or hate party.   Something said for it to be Toxic to literally play the role of being a victim.   Not only can one villianize another person, one can even villianize themself too.   Where we can become our own worst enemy and greatest victim at the same time. 

I have been having some very disturbing revelations today, in terms of my own cycles and patterns and choices for how I deal with things. 

So sure, my long term relationship ended.  I'm a little hard pressed to find a good justification in my behaviors.   It's very hard to find any form of justification for some of my own actions.   Think this is why I have felt so ashamed.

It's like being caught up in one big vicious circle of self denial.   Easier to point fingers at some one or something else then oneself.   Easy to villianize somebody who even challenges ones world of self denial too.

I wish I could say, that I have not Pulled the because I'm a DOM card out on anybody before, but I have done this.  If anything some of these issues have gone by unchallenged because of it.   You know the whole fun bit about Nobody is the Boss of me because I'm a DOM, so leave it alone and drop it mentality.

I'm simply amazed to what extent one's own personal shame can become the lock and key for denial.   

I'm really not enjoying much of anything I am seeing in myself regarding my own patterns of behaviors and cycles, and the way I have dealt or not dealt with things.

I can see my own repeating history of Toxic relationships, and even seeing where this stuff has spilled over into work and even in other areas such as music and the people I choose to work with in the bands I've played in over the years.  Hell, even with some of my friendships.  

This goes well beyound just my personal relationships I have had.   Part of the problem actually has been me, compared to it being other people.   The whole business about being able to pick the right partners, that's just part of it.   The other part is actually knowing how to correctly interact with these right partners, and not fall into the role of victimization and villianization.

Again, I want to thank everybody for all the great responses.






GreedyTop -> RE: Negative Pasts, Rocky todays and throwing the "White Flag".. (3/20/2008 11:03:26 AM)

*kiss*



giveeverything -> RE: Negative Pasts, Rocky todays and throwing the "White Flag".. (3/20/2008 1:20:32 PM)

I'll say it again -- your ability to look introspectively is a thing of beauty.  It may feel dreadful now (and it is dreadful now) yet it's so rare.  Take care of yourself.  You're in the perfect position to do the really hard work, that wonderful journey of continual self discovery and self actualization.  I admire your honesty and insight, it really is a thing of beauty.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Negative Pasts, Rocky todays and throwing the "White Flag".. (3/20/2008 7:08:35 PM)

I dunno about beauty, but I tend to be harsher on these things.  Obviously, the fact that you had serious discussions about her drinking and yet never felt it appropriate to divulge your own history was wrong and part of your own relationship habits.  You find it almost natural to slip into "perfect savior persona" for them to latch onto.

So, the decision is still simple- you BOTH stop drinking completely for at least a year, you BOTH come out about all your little drinking closet problems and past issues and you form a bond together.

She might not respect you as much, you may have to earn her trust again, and that's reasonable.  But the truth she has this time will be genuine.  You might find you both prefer it in the long term.



StormsSlave -> RE: Negative Pasts, Rocky todays and throwing the "White Flag".. (3/20/2008 7:19:34 PM)

You have my deepest, deepest sympathies, and if there is anything more that I can do for you, please message me.

My only advice is this: be brutally, brutally, even to the point of pain honest with yourself.  Refuse to accept anything less than complete honesty from your own self. 

May God bless you.



MaamJay -> RE: Negative Pasts, Rocky todays and throwing the "White Flag".. (3/21/2008 6:38:22 AM)

Oh hon, the fact you have been able to be this honest, this open, this vulnerable on this board ... I count this as the first small step on the road to your own recovery. I believe that right now ... YOU are the one you need to work on and you have had so many excellent suggestions as to how to go about this. So many are blind to their own flaws ... and that clouds their thinking and ability to follow through on new patterns ... your increasing clarity stands you in good stead. Get yourself into a program to put this clarity to good use in dealing with your own issues, both in terms of your past drinking and also that of your family. Remember it takes great strength and courage to be this open ... may it be the strength and courage you need to get well.

While I am sympathetic to the feelings you must be having that "when it's good it's amazing and I have waited a while to click with someone" ... the bad is truly dangerous to both of you. It's almost beyond toxic into incendiary. There is a chance that if you do as LA suggested ... fess up to her about your own issues with booze and suggest you both enter a program together ... just maybe, she will do so. And maybe you can help each other to sobriety. BUT I feel you will need a lot of other outside help and support ... it can't be the blind leading the blind. But if she won't come with you ... then save yourself. Don't drown in her bottle. And forget the guilt trip ... you have free will ... she has free will ... if you offer a life raft, it's not your fault if she refuses to ride in it. Get the help you need to move forward in your life. Now is the time for personal healing, probably not for further developing relationships, but do seek out positive relationships and enlist the support of those who care about you. And that includes some here I am sure.

Finally, in that brighter future ... when you are whole again ... you might want to consider alcohol as a dealbreaker ... just as I do with smoking. It could help break the cycle of inappropriate attraction.
Be well, friend.
Maam Jay aka violet[A]




Owner4SexSlave -> RE: Negative Pasts, Rocky todays and throwing the "White Flag".. (3/23/2008 2:59:37 AM)

I had made the decision to end the relationship,  however we have not had any one-on-one conversation yet.  

Basically, this has prevented closure on things between us.  In short, she's been avoiding having a conversation and with both of us being able to come to a mutual understanding and closure to the relationship.

This is a new first for me to experience with anybody. 

I've come to terms that this is Passive-Aggressive behavior on her end.   In the process of dealing with this, I have had to read up on Passive-Aggressive behavior some.

It's made me stop and reflect upon my own tendancies with Passive-Aggressive behavior.   Mind you, I don't feel or think my Passive-Agressive behaviors are all that extreme, it's something that I'm going to explore within myself for awhile.

If anything, to gain more understanding in how to better deal with Passive-Aggressive Behaviors in other people, and as well as my own Behaviors. 

I am seeing other problems going on just besides the drinking alone.   After reading up on Passive-Aggressive behavior, I'm convinced more and more that I have done the right thing, in ending things, and looking at making changes in my own life.  I care not to repeat or relive this whole experience again.




darklachrymosa -> RE: Negative Pasts, Rocky todays and throwing the "White Flag".. (3/23/2008 4:44:01 AM)

I'll be 4 years clean from heroin in another month.  April 22.  That's the day.  I have my own rocky history of alcohol abuse, drug abuse, and suicide attempts, and I can promise you that absolutely and without a doubt she will choose her drug over you.  I did.

Humans are comfortable with what they know, and there was not one time when the alcohol or drugs failed to deliver for me.  Hell, sometimes it was more than I expected.  People, on the other hand, will let you down again and again.  She knows this.  She knows that there will be moments that you inadvertantly break promises, or say something that is unintentionally hurtful that will slam her back into whatever memories she's trying to forget.  And that's why she'll choose the alcohol.

When I went clean, my best friend in the world was a user.  Actually, he was the one that had got me on smack in the first place.  He was the other half of my soul, a relationship that almost transcended sexuality, my lost twin.  You get the idea.  I tried to hang in for awhile, because after all, he was my best friend and I am intensely loyal.  Everytime I would make an effort to see him, he would score or use, right in front of me.  Finally I had to cut it off - there's no way I would've stayed clean around that.  I took him out for coffee, and I told him that I cared deeply for him, and always would, but I had to do this.  His pupils were pinned, his thoughts distant.  I cried for days.

I saw him not long ago.  I heard through the grapevine that he was in jail, and I went to see him.  It was the first time I'd seen him in years.  His eyes are broken and hopeless - domestic violence and possession - even while he laughed with me about old memories.  I cried for days, wondering if it would've been different if I hadn't walked away.  He's in jail, with a record that will prevent him from ever having a life, and I'm in my last semester completeing a B.S. in management.  You can't help but wonder what if....

It might tear your heart in pieces, but the best thing you can do is walk away.  Have the talk and explain why, and dont' buy the empty promises and jagged lies, which every substance abuser will have ready and waiting.  They have to lie to themselves to exist, so you better believe they'll lie to you and tell you exactly what you want to hear.  You can't make the decision for her to get better, to get help.  Only she can.

I told my friend that when he decided to go clean, he'd always be able to contact me.  Leave that door open.  Make sure she knows you love who she is without the alcohol propping her up.  Understand that it's really fucking scary for an abuser to even imagine living without their drug, and if she decides to go clean, you'll be there and help her as much as you can, but she must take that first step...



Justme696 -> RE: Negative Pasts, Rocky todays and throwing the "White Flag".. (3/23/2008 5:18:44 AM)

that is a touching story..... viewed from both sides of the line..by a person who has been there.

gives you a different view on life.



GreedyTop -> RE: Negative Pasts, Rocky todays and throwing the "White Flag".. (3/23/2008 5:42:43 AM)

*hugs* dark... thanks for sharing... and GOOD FOR YOU!!! congrats on your sobriety, your B.S., and having the wisdom to see that sometimes, you HAVE to walk away....



MontrealPhoenix -> RE: Negative Pasts, Rocky todays and throwing the "White Flag".. (3/23/2008 8:38:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave

I had made the decision to end the relationship,  however we have not had any one-on-one conversation yet.  

Basically, this has prevented closure on things between us.  In short, she's been avoiding having a conversation and with both of us being able to come to a mutual understanding and closure to the relationship.

This is a new first for me to experience with anybody. 

I've come to terms that this is Passive-Aggressive behavior on her end.   In the process of dealing with this, I have had to read up on Passive-Aggressive behavior some.

It's made me stop and reflect upon my own tendancies with Passive-Aggressive behavior.   Mind you, I don't feel or think my Passive-Agressive behaviors are all that extreme, it's something that I'm going to explore within myself for awhile.

If anything, to gain more understanding in how to better deal with Passive-Aggressive Behaviors in other people, and as well as my own Behaviors. 

I am seeing other problems going on just besides the drinking alone.   After reading up on Passive-Aggressive behavior, I'm convinced more and more that I have done the right thing, in ending things, and looking at making changes in my own life.  I care not to repeat or relive this whole experience again.


kudos to you for recognising what you have to do, with respect to ending the relationship and making changes in your own life. I agree with dark though. Make sure she knows that if - when - she decides to quit drinking you will be there for her, leave that door open.



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