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RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 1:19:27 PM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline 		Daddy gets stressed.  i listen to him.  and when its appropriate, i ask him about playtime, and if that might relieve his stress some, and that i miss and need him.

the fact that i do tell him how much i need him in my life is soothing to him, and reminds him that there are good things in his life still. 

reminding him that he is wanted and needed by me is not the same thing as demanding anything.  i'm allowed to say/ask most anything, and then required to abide by HIS decisions.

kitten

(in reply to OmegaG)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 1:37:33 PM   
lovewithoutfear


Posts: 153
Joined: 7/11/2005
Status: offline 		xxblushesxx wrote:
"I would want him/her to give me the time and space that I need, rather than adding to it by telling me that I am not fulfilling my sub's needs."

Ok I get that blushes, but how long do you think is reasonable, and how much needs not getting met, do you think it is reasonable to ask of a sub?

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 1:46:57 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovewithoutfear

xxblushesxx wrote:
"I would want him/her to give me the time and space that I need, rather than adding to it by telling me that I am not fulfilling my sub's needs."

Ok I get that blushes, but how long do you think is reasonable, and how much needs not getting met, do you think it is reasonable to ask of a sub?


I know you asked this of someone else, but I wanted to chime in.  Everyone's threshold is different.  It all depends on the dynamics of that particular relationship, what the sub/slave/whatever has been taught/trained to endure and what the submissive's particular needs are.  I've known women whose husbands were off at war for extended periods of time, and they waited as long as they needed to wait.  Standing by and waiting patiently took far greater priority than any particular self needs being met. 

It just depends on circumstances.  No one on this message board can universally say what is reasonable for anyone else's situation, without knowing it intimately.  My father waited a year for my mother, while she was in Spain and he was on board a Naval submarine (actually they waited for each other).  Who's to say whether or not that was reasonable?

It's an impossible question to answer, I think.

(in reply to lovewithoutfear)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 2:11:24 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline 		This particular sub has yet to have "learned" the art of mind reading.   I would sincerely hope that my relationship with my Dom was where communication was always open.   If I was unsure as to how to help or what to do to make things better, I would ask Him, but in a positive way.   Negativity has never gotten me anywhere fast.    In the case of His needs,  they would come before mine, always.   

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 3:14:50 PM   
closetmonkey


Posts: 22
Joined: 3/17/2008
Status: offline 		I'm kind of amazed at some of the replies, in truth. Oooh the assumptions and the subtle (and not to subtle) accusations. Amazing. I find I am vaguely embarassed to even have been the one who brought the topic up, which is a shame.

Was it partly because the very FIRST reply was by a sub who 'added to the question' in a way that totally did not reflect my question at ALL? Did you read that one's words, and apply them to me?

What happened to questions if you didn't understand the situation presented?

I do really appreciate the advice that has been offered freely, and without assumption! Advice is always good- one can take it or leave it, and even if it doesn't apply to one situation, it's often a GOOD reminder for other situations! Advice is what was asked for, after all.

If you have questions, please ask.

(in reply to kallisto)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 3:32:59 PM   
MontrealPhoenix


Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

As a Dominant I would hope my sub would come to me and have a open discussion about it. Stress is a factor in everyones lives and it can really drag a person down. Perhaps that is what is going on with your Dominant. The main thing is to communicate but in a respectful, positive way if you can. I wouldn't say "I miss what you were..." that opens on a negative note. Instead I would say something like "I'd like to talk about us.  You seem a bit stressed lately, is there anything I can do as your sub to ease that stress?" Give s/he support or space if they need and just  keep being a great sub.

Good luck,
~Lashra

I agree 100% Lashra.  If it were my dom, i would let him know that i'm here for him and that it's okay to not be 100%. As far as i'm concerned, there is nothing that says it's not okay for a dom/domina to lean on their subbie when things get rough, it IS after all a relationship..
 
Phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267



(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 3:58:34 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovewithoutfear

xxblushesxx wrote:
"I would want him/her to give me the time and space that I need, rather than adding to it by telling me that I am not fulfilling my sub's needs."

Ok I get that blushes, but how long do you think is reasonable, and how much needs not getting met, do you think it is reasonable to ask of a sub?


I know you asked this of someone else, but I wanted to chime in.  Everyone's threshold is different.  It all depends on the dynamics of that particular relationship, what the sub/slave/whatever has been taught/trained to endure and what the submissive's particular needs are.  I've known women whose husbands were off at war for extended periods of time, and they waited as long as they needed to wait.  Standing by and waiting patiently took far greater priority than any particular self needs being met. 

It just depends on circumstances.  No one on this message board can universally say what is reasonable for anyone else's situation, without knowing it intimately.  My father waited a year for my mother, while she was in Spain and he was on board a Naval submarine (actually they waited for each other).  Who's to say whether or not that was reasonable?

It's an impossible question to answer, I think.


I agree with OG on this one. There can be so many variables, so many personalities, needs, and wants.

You just have to follow your heart, basically.

But I would try not to put more stress on someone who obviously has too much already. Especially if I loved them and/or were submissive to them.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 4:15:15 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: closetmonkey
What would you want them to do?

How can a sub communicate that, without making the poor Master/Dominant feel like he is wussing out or otherwise inadequate? How can you say 'I miss what you WERE' without implying too much negativity about what they ARE?

I always start out with "how are you doing?" in a sincere non pressuring tone.  This puts the ball in their court completely- they can reveal as much or as little as they choose to, the way in which they respond will tell me just about anything I would need to know at the time, and can plan from there.

If they seem open to discussion, aren't just too burnt out at the time (that part I tend to have problems with), AND I think I can help, I say "I've noticed that you don't seem to be yourself lately between us, is now a good time to talk about that?"

Again, go from there, being open, asking open questions without blame or persecution.  In the long term, waiting a week for a serious conversation isn't so bad.  And make sure you're not just waiting like an eager puppy and disappointed that you aren't getting oodles of attention, make sure your expectations are reasonable.  It's ok to be disappointed, but make sure to depersonalize it and bring up specific solutions to work together- don't just drop it in his lap and say "Fix it!"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to closetmonkey)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 4:37:58 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		Last year was pretty stressful for me and the D/s side of things waned for a several months. It's really just starting to kick back in. I didn't expect anything more from her than for her to be there for me and be my best friend and that's exactly what happened.

This is a pretty selfish way of looking at it:

How can you say 'I miss what you WERE' without implying too much negativity about what they ARE?


How would you feel if the situation was reversed and someone said something like that to you?

(in reply to closetmonkey)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 4:47:50 PM   
closetmonkey


Posts: 22
Joined: 3/17/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

This is a pretty selfish way of looking at it:

How can you say 'I miss what you WERE' without implying too much negativity about what they ARE?



That is actually why I posted at all about it, wondering what kind of opinions and viewpoints there might be out there on the topic in general.

When you miss something about someone, you don't necessarily dislike what they have become! It's a bit like looking back and saying, 'huh... I never go swimming at the lake anymore... I should do that again, I really miss it!' You're not even thinking of anything else you do, much less passing judgement on what you've been doing instead! You're just looking back on something that you want to bring back into your life. You loved it, miss it, want it again. That's all.

I am at a loss for how to address that when it pertains to another person, and not something totally within my own control. You can't mold someone else to your own liking! (and that's especially true if the person is naturally dominant in the relationship!)

How then, do you even broach the subject of /then/... without implying somehow that you dislike now? (because nothing could be further from the truth!)


(in reply to Evility)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 5:20:46 PM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: closetmonkey
How then, do you even broach the subject of /then/... without implying somehow that you dislike now? (because nothing could be further from the truth!)


Why broach it at all? I don't know anything about your situation other than he's stressed and you miss the D/s. Dunno how long it's been going on like this. I'm betting that he realizes that things are not like they are normally (unless he's just totally obtuse) and there's a good chance he's not thrilled about it either, don't you think?

If you guys are a couple with more going on in your collective lives than bdsm just take a deep breath and relax and be there for him. Do what you can in the meantime to minimize other stresses in his life. If he's got other stuff in his life he is dealing with that is encroaching on the whole D/s mindset then the last thing he probably needs is a reminder.

Editied for clarity


< Message edited by Evility -- 3/19/2008 5:21:40 PM >

(in reply to closetmonkey)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 6:05:42 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm not sure that this especially fits the intent of the OP.  Then again, we tailor these questions to our own viewpoints for answers, do we not?

I was discussing something similar with a friend of Mine not too long ago.  It seems I have a particular reason for a 'stress' in My life.  It has made things, different, shall we say.  It is a great concern to Me.  So great that I know it effects the Dominant that I am.

Realizing this, I was talking with My friend, in a thinking out loud sort of way, and wondering how I should allow this particular 'stress' to influence My path.  This 'stress' will most certainly change things.  Certainly not for the better.  It occurred to Me that it might not be in My sub's best interest to walk through this with Me.  My friend said something that I won't soon forget, and I hope it sticks with you the way it has with Me.

"So, what you're saying is that, it's ok for your sub to run errands for you, or to do your dishes, but not to serve you when it really counts?"

Now, I realize that what I'm talking about is a huge leap of faith in comparison to what brought the question of the OP, but still, I have to look at it as one in the same.  It boils down to, are we just in these dynamics for the good times alone, or are we in them for whatever life brings us?

Whatever 'stress' My time might bring Me, I want My sub to serve Me.  That is his place with Me, and Mine with him.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Evility)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 6:24:28 PM   
closetmonkey


Posts: 22
Joined: 3/17/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Evility

Why broach it at all?



Because I had tried the obvious first. :) Simple support, friendship, and partnership. We have a good, solid, long-lasting relationship that isn't going anywhere, regardless of this.

It was that I felt funny getting the subtle messages I am getting- being told effectively that he misses things and longs for things, just like I guessed he might... and I echo those feelings as a matter of a fact! I just can't seem to communicate in a way that gets him to talk about what changed (or is wrong) or how to bring those aspects back. I don't know how to even begin.




(in reply to Evility)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 7:50:11 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I do understand.
I haven't been feeling particularly submissive lately. (wait..give some time for the laughter to die down)
And am not used to not feeling this way.
It's slowly coming back...but...if He had pushed me, and attempted to 'make me' submissive, it would have blown up in His face, even though I wouldn't have wanted it to.
That's why I gave the answer I did.
After a certain amount of time, I would have either expected or initiated a conversation regarding what's been going on.
My best answer is to still, be there for him/her and to give him/her the love, support and devotion that they need.
It's not much, but it's the best I can suggest.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to closetmonkey)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 7:53:45 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		In addition to everything I posted (which you seem to not notice) I would also ask, would it be so horrible to say "I have concerns about us, but I'm not at all sure how to bring it up or work it through with you now, can you help?"

I understand expecting self-awareness and patience is always a tricky thing with adults, specially doms, but it might just be worth the risk here that he'll be self aware enough to be able to give advice or decide when a good time would be to discuss.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 8:12:17 PM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: closetmonkey

Question for the Masters/Dominants out there especially (but hey, chip in your two cents whoever you are, too!):

If you were going through a bit of a stress time in your life, and your sub was feeling that you'd lost your edge... weren't being yourself... were acting unusual, in effect, compared to your normal self...

What would you want them to do?

How can a sub communicate that, without making the poor Master/Dominant feel like he is wussing out or otherwise inadequate? How can you say 'I miss what you WERE' without implying too much negativity about what they ARE?



Honestly if I knew that he was going through a rough patch and it was temporary I wouldn't say anything.  I'd focus on creating a comforting environment as much as possible with no expectations for active dominance (although my owner was bossing me around after a car accident with his head cracked open... he is who he is). 

C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to closetmonkey)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 8:14:08 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		"Sir, is everything all right?  You don't seem to be yourself lately."

quote:

ORIGINAL: closetmonkey

If you were going through a bit of a stress time in your life, and your sub was feeling that you'd lost your edge... weren't being yourself... were acting unusual, in effect, compared to your normal self...

What would you want them to do?

(in reply to closetmonkey)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/19/2008 8:17:28 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: closetmonkey

Because I had tried the obvious first. :) Simple support, friendship, and partnership. We have a good, solid, long-lasting relationship that isn't going anywhere, regardless of this.

It was that I felt funny getting the subtle messages I am getting- being told effectively that he misses things and longs for things, just like I guessed he might... and I echo those feelings as a matter of a fact! I just can't seem to communicate in a way that gets him to talk about what changed (or is wrong) or how to bring those aspects back. I don't know how to even begin.



Now we are getting somewhere.  Your first post was to general for me to get a handle on what you were saying.  It sounds to me like your bemoaning the fact that the dynamics of the relationship has changed for the worse.  And your attempting to determine the cause of this. Or somehow attempt to redirect the relationship without appearing pushy.   Is that what your asking?

BadOne







_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to closetmonkey)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/22/2008 7:33:50 AM   
Masterssj


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline 		my Master has an occupation that can give him stress on a daily basis and i have felt that over time , and i have let him know that i can feel something and leave it to him to discuss or not ,although it does not matter how much pressure he is under at work or stress , nor when he was sick has he slipped or lost his edge , i admire that in him and let him know that and at the same time i remind him how much i appreciate him for choosing me , how much i appreciate him in how he teaches me and why i feel he is the most wonderful and best Master but then i try to keep him reminded even when it isnt a stress time . i believe its all in communication together and being supportive to each other .

(in reply to OmegaG)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/22/2008 7:52:08 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: closetmonkey

Question for the Masters/Dominants out there especially (but hey, chip in your two cents whoever you are, too!):

If you were going through a bit of a stress time in your life, and your sub was feeling that you'd lost your edge... weren't being yourself... were acting unusual, in effect, compared to your normal self...

What would you want them to do?

How can a sub communicate that, without making the poor Master/Dominant feel like he is wussing out or otherwise inadequate? How can you say 'I miss what you WERE' without implying too much negativity about what they ARE?



As in all things, it should be brought up, and done so in a respectful manner.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to closetmonkey)
Profile   Post #: 40
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