RE: What would you want your sub to do?

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RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/22/2008 8:08:30 AM

domahpet

Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
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same here. its what i do.
but id be honest with him, as gentle as i could,
let him know how i feel, and ask how i could help.

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*Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to*

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RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/22/2008 9:13:12 AM

sirguym

Posts: 318
Joined: 8/10/2007
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Some free advice I just gave to someone else may be pertinent, with apologies to anyone else who's said much the same:

I tell my slaves (and submissives) there'll be a regular time when you can talk to me about anything that worries you, without any fear or danger or retaliation because I may think it is critical of me, or what I say or do. But that I will choose those times and otherwise she must learn to restrain herself.

Then I make sure I DO give her those chances to speak without fear of immediate or later retaliation; but only when I am relaxed, unstressed and able to listen to what sound to me like complaints, whinging, whining or whatever without getting upset or annoyed.

That way, if she comes out with something that I think is 'answering back, 'being cheeky', bratty or apparently malicious or in front of others, when it should only have been private to us both, or whatever, then you are not punishing her for what she said; but only for speaking out of turn.

That way, hopefully, she'll learn discretion. Even if she doesn't you have the fun of punishing her - and so long as she accepts that it is for her 'sin' of speaking at the wrong time, not for what she actually said, that is OK and healthy enough.

The danger of not having that safety valve is that something goes unsaid, resentment or fear festers; when if it had been brought out into the open and discussed, she would see it for what it is, an over-active imagination, a misunderstanding, an awkward phrase taken the wrong way, or whatever and her concerns would be allayed.

Or at worst a reall and important issue is out in the open and you can discuss between you how you can both work to restore balance.

Banning any and every kind of feedback that may possibly be construed as negative is like damning a river; soon or later the reservoir of negative feelings will rise up and breach your dam; it is best to let a controlled flow out so it never builds up.

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Post #: 42

RE: What would you want your sub to do? - 3/22/2008 11:40:04 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirguym

I tell my slaves (and submissives) there'll be a regular time when you can talk to me about anything that worries you, without any fear or danger or retaliation because I may think it is critical of me, or what I say or do. But that I will choose those times and otherwise she must learn to restrain herself.

Then I make sure I DO give her those chances to speak without fear of immediate or later retaliation; but only when I am relaxed, unstressed and able to listen to what sound to me like complaints, whinging, whining or whatever without getting upset or annoyed.

What if the problem is that you aren't ever relaxed, unstressed and able to listen to complaints without getting upset?

How is she supposed to tell you that you aren't yourself and you are risking your relationship with her, with your family, with your friends, at the job etc because of this?

Because by the time he's always short tempered with me, he's also acting this way with his ums, and in conversation with clients. And none of those are good things.

Stress doesn't confine itself just to interpersonal relationships with people we have sex with. It spreads out throughout your life, and as the saying goes "when you're up to your ass in alligators, it's hard to remember your objective was to drain the swamp". And people need to hear this before they do something unforgiveable.

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Post #: 43