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Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 5:49:06 AM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		There are times right now that I literally feel as though I am walking a tightrope between sanity and insanity.

The question is where to put my foot down.

There are many that see how I and J's current slave care for J as a way of topping from the bottom.  And in a perfect world I suppose that would be true.  We assist J's son in looking after his business affairs, the running of his house and his basic daily acts of living from when he bathes to what he eats, the making and keeping of doctor appointments, etc.  But, this world is far from perfect and J is dying, the cancer and pain meds eating away at a once brilliant mind.  He is not able to make these decisions himself.

J's current slave is a fantastic woman, who just got out of an abusive situation and needed a safe place to stay.  J needed a nurse.  So, between J's son, Barb and myself his affairs are ran pretty smoothly.  Until someone decides to throw a fucking monkey wrench into the system (yes I cursed but I'm really kind of a little bit mad right now).

Yesterday, I get to J's to find Barb being harrassed by one of the more aggressive/judgemental/in your face "I'm always right" Domme's in our little group.  She's going on and on how we should be ashamed of ourselves topping a Master like J like we do, etc, etc...Now Barb and I are two polar opposites, she tries to please every Dom/me' and I please no-one right now, I'm just a helpmate tell me what needs to be done and then get the heck out of my way.

So, she decides after reducing Barb to tears to start in on me...pretty big mistake cause right now I have this really horrible "you don't live my life so kiss my ass" attitude going on.  And I am trying so hard to keep it under control because I don't like what I see in the mirror but there are those who truly inspire the bitch in me, she being one of them.  I sent Barb to J's room to look after her Master and informed her that he was not to be disturbed.  Then started in on my tasks and this woman literally followed a deaf girl around the house spitting venim which when you stop to think about it is rather comical and one of the very reasons I'm grateful to be deaf.  I figured "fuck it let her vent to the wall, what do I care" eventually she got tired of following me around and left.

When J's mind started slipping I made a promise to protect Barb who is honestly mentally not up to the challenge right now even if it came to protecting her from him.  Having J say that to me makes Barb see me as some sort of Alpha slave that she can turn to for decisions, advice, support and on occasion discipline.  I don't mind helping her make decisions since she didn't get a chance to know J's preferences to foods, etc before he got really ill, I don't mind giving her support but there is something truly strange about giving a woman 10 years your senior advice on and as far as discipline goes...she's an adult if she doesn't know she has done something wrong and feel remorseful and willing to try and change whatever it is she did then there is nothing I can do to help her.

With school, my job, J and well yeah anyways ...I'm tired to the friggen bone tired and am to the point where I just want to get in Barb's face and scream "I'm just a girl, I'm just flying by the seat of my pants here, so shut the fuck up and suck it up!!" but thats not very nice and I know it so I smile and say "how can I help?"

Unfortunately, J has been having less and less more lucid days where he can be asked for advice on how to handle the situation between Barb and I.

So, back to the original question...Where do you draw the line? and maybe how to do it tactfully cause I don't want to be mean but I'm seriously close to snapping and saying something I'll forever regret.  Cause the fact is Barb is a grown woman, life sometimes sucks canal water...SUCK IT UP!!!

Thanks
Haven

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.
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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 5:59:39 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Barb is passive and you expect her to be aggressive. Not going  to happen. Sounds like you really don't want to be aggressive either. Hopefuly you will be able to move on to a better situation.  

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 6:00:30 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		First of all, I sympathize with your situation.  It must be very difficult for all of you.

Secondly, some people are naturally stronger than others - regardless of age.  It may seem odd to you to have to instruct someone older, and thus supposedly more mature, on what to do.  The fact is that you seem to have it more together than she does. 

Bring your mind back to J.  What do you believe he would want you to do?  Can't you imagine how very proud of you he would be for helping to take care of the situation?

Be honest with Barb.  Let her know that you feel like you are under a lot of pressure, that you want to do whatever you can but that sometimes you feel that everything is too much to handle and you need a break from it. 

It's a shame that anyone would construe caring for a dying man as topping from the bottom, even if it may include telling him what to do for his own good.  It takes a very special kind of love to care for someone who is dying.  The first year that my daughter was married she and her husband took in his dying father just before Christmas, and I don't think I've ever been prouder of her for anything in her life.  It is hard, it sucks, others are judgmental of the care - but YOU make a big difference.  Hang in there, sweetie.  I'm very proud of you.

_____________________________



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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 6:09:49 AM   
texancutie2


Posts: 40
Joined: 11/23/2007
Status: offline 		Sounds like a difficult situation.  Good job at hanging in there when things are tough and you are needed!  

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 6:15:45 AM   
Luciferica


Posts: 231
Joined: 3/18/2008
Status: offline 		Wow, that sounds like it's really harsh.
Barb cares about him obviously but maybe explaning that although your there to help your not her Mistress and asking her to make some choices for herself might help. You sound like you need a break yourself too..maybe some 'you' time after you help out with J would be helpful. What is Barb going to do when he does pass away, you can't babysit her forever...just talk to her as best you can, take a relaxing bubble bath and try to calm down. Everything will work itself out. As far as the other Domme, she needs to get her shitze straightened out, if the man can't care for himself, thats not topping him, thats finishing out your service to him in the best way you know how, may we all be so well loved in our illnesses...


_____________________________

We always hurt the ones we love, the difference is how much they enjoy it.

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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 7:09:10 AM   
Littlepita


Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline 		No advice, but I do want to say that I admire all you are going through. I would have thrown that big-mouth domme out of the house on her ass. How dare she do that to the you and Barb. Your right that Barb is going to have to learn to "suck it" up and deal with life as it really is. No one can protect her from everything, and it's not healthy for her not to own up to taking care of her needs for herself.

There is probably going to come a day when I will be seen as "topping from the bottom" as I take care of my Sir. God help the person that tries to get in my way or criticize how I take care of my Master.

Hang in there and remember to take a moment or two to take care of yourself.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 7:13:56 AM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Barb is passive and you expect her to be aggressive. Not going  to happen. Sounds like you really don't want to be aggressive either. Hopefuly you will be able to move on to a better situation.  


I know this sounds awful coming from a psych major but I never got the whole passive, aggressive thing.  She likes to whine and bitch about things that need done and I mean anything from cleaning the toilets to paying bills and I'm practical I know it has to be done so I just shut up and do it.  I think the great annoyance is that she wastes so much time by the time she gets done complaining we could have been done with whatever sucky task J asked us to do.

I don't really see myself being in a bad situation.  Someone needs me who was there for me when I needed him the most.  Its a karma thing.

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 8:17:55 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I just came to realize something not all that long ago. Regardless of age, there are some people that are weaker. Not worse people, just weaker.

You hear stories of two people, similar difficult backgrounds, maybe even the same family. One fights their way out and becomes sucessful. The other can't escape and gets sucked under.

Neither means the other is better, one was just stronger than the other.

Perhaps Barb just isn't strong enough. Doesn't make her a bad person, just lacking in strength.

While you are young, it appears you've got the spirit and soul of a fighter. The obstacles you face in life will probably be lessons rather than reasons to give up. Rejoice in your own strength and accept Barb's weaknesses. Age is not a guarantee of either.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 9:03:57 AM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

First of all, I sympathize with your situation.  It must be very difficult for all of you.
I believe this is most difficult on J.  Not so much the fear of dying he's pretty much accepted it and has suffered enough to even welcome death but I think there is a deep humiliation and resentment in no longer being able to control his own life.  He has days where he can take care of his basic needs and days he cannot on the days he cannot he can be almost unbearably angry and cruel with us...these days are especially hard on Barb so I try to be the one who pisses him off first so he takes it out on me, once again being deaf is a perk he can rant and rave and scream at me all he wants I can't hear a damn thing he says and am careful not to look at his lips.  I also know on these days its not J speaking and that helps a LOT!

Secondly, some people are naturally stronger than others - regardless of age.  It may seem odd to you to have to instruct someone older, and thus supposedly more mature, on what to do.  The fact is that you seem to have it more together than she does. 
I guess its more the fear of whats going to happen to her when J passes.  I just want to know she's going to be ok if I'm not there for her anymore.  But, she's had one of those lives that leaves you thinking OMG and you haven't shot yourself yet?  And yet she's still fighting, I just don't think I'm the person to help her realize how strong she really is.  I honestly think she is one of the most brave and amazing people I know which is why I hate feeling this way about her.

Bring your mind back to J.  What do you believe he would want you to do?  Can't you imagine how very proud of you he would be for helping to take care of the situation?
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, the whole WWJD (haha) but she is honestly not the type of girl J would give a second look let alone collar had they not had a mutual need.

Be honest with Barb.  Let her know that you feel like you are under a lot of pressure, that you want to do whatever you can but that sometimes you feel that everything is too much to handle and you need a break from it. 
I am just hoping to find a tactful way to do it so that she doesn't blame herself, I have a feeling that would be counter productive.

It's a shame that anyone would construe caring for a dying man as topping from the bottom, even if it may include telling him what to do for his own good.  It takes a very special kind of love to care for someone who is dying.  The first year that my daughter was married she and her husband took in his dying father just before Christmas, and I don't think I've ever been prouder of her for anything in her life.  It is hard, it sucks, others are judgmental of the care - but YOU make a big difference.  Hang in there, sweetie.  I'm very proud of you.

Ah don't worry I was trained to be a spitfire with anyone but my owner.  She can say what she wishes it all falls on a deaf ear anyways. lol 
 
Yep! perks to everything



< Message edited by LilMissHaven -- 3/19/2008 9:05:10 AM >

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 9:05:58 AM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: texancutie2

Sounds like a difficult situation.  Good job at hanging in there when things are tough and you are needed!  


Thank you

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to texancutie2)
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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 9:11:49 AM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Luciferica

Wow, that sounds like it's really harsh.
Barb cares about him obviously but maybe explaning that although your there to help your not her Mistress and asking her to make some choices for herself might help.
I've been seriously thinking about sending her to my talk therapist.  I think it would do her a world of good.

You sound like you need a break yourself too..maybe some 'you' time after you help out with J would be helpful.
Been thinking about this too and have actually somewhat acted on it as well.  This summer I'm going whaleshark diving with my brother and I've been considering taking a semester or so off. 

What is Barb going to do when he does pass away, you can't babysit her forever...just talk to her as best you can, take a relaxing bubble bath and try to calm down. Everything will work itself out.
Thats what I'm worried about, she's gone from one really OMG I can't even tell you awful man to the next its like this unbreakable pattern.  I know as submissives we're expected to take some abuse but uhhh I've never heard of some of the things she's been thru.

As far as the other Domme, she needs to get her shitze straightened out, if the man can't care for himself, thats not topping him, thats finishing out your service to him in the best way you know how, may we all be so well loved in our illnesses...

Yea I know its really so wrong for me to have this mind set...but I've always got a kind of perverse pleasure in pissing this woman off.





_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to Luciferica)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 9:15:24 AM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Littlepita


There is probably going to come a day when I will be seen as "topping from the bottom" as I take care of my Sir. God help the person that tries to get in my way or criticize how I take care of my Master.
And when (which I hope is a very very long time for you both) that day comes...it doesn't hurt to remember this is exactly what all those years spent training were for.  And thats pretty much why I don't cower to anyone who tries to tell me I'm bottoming from the top...J trained me to be strong, self starting and thinking for a reason.

Hang in there and remember to take a moment or two to take care of yourself.
I know, I sometimes forget that part.  Luckily, I have good friends and supporters who don't let me forget for too long.


_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to Littlepita)
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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 9:18:05 AM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I just came to realize something not all that long ago. Regardless of age, there are some people that are weaker. Not worse people, just weaker.

You hear stories of two people, similar difficult backgrounds, maybe even the same family. One fights their way out and becomes sucessful. The other can't escape and gets sucked under.

Neither means the other is better, one was just stronger than the other.

Perhaps Barb just isn't strong enough. Doesn't make her a bad person, just lacking in strength.

While you are young, it appears you've got the spirit and soul of a fighter. The obstacles you face in life will probably be lessons rather than reasons to give up. Rejoice in your own strength and accept Barb's weaknesses. Age is not a guarantee of either.



Here's a question.  Barb is undoubtedly a fighter only she can't see it in herself.  Do you think you can help someone see their strengths?

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 9:19:01 AM   
SinergyNstrumpet


Posts: 305
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

There are many that see how I and J's current slave care for J as a way of topping from the bottom. And in a perfect world I suppose that would be true. We assist J's son in looking after his business affairs, the running of his house and his basic daily acts of living from when he bathes to what he eats, the making and keeping of doctor appointments, etc. But, this world is far from perfect and J is dying, the cancer and pain meds eating away at a once brilliant mind. He is not able to make these decisions himself.



I just wanted to say, in days of actual slavery there were slaves that took care of all their master and mistresses affairs for them. Thomas Jefferson, for example, went away for long periods of time and his slaves kept his place going for him. I find this view that because you both are taking care of him that this is somehow topping from the bottom, I find it ridiculous actually



julia

PS, I send warm thoughts to you in your rough situation

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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 9:26:02 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Who invited this domme into the house? Because unless it was J's son, she doesn't have any right to be there. Next time, tell her to leave and if she refuses call the cops. You folks don't need this.

Additionally Barb is just out of an abusive situation and she's still not up to taking care of herself which is why she's there. She hasn't any strength to begin with and the situation you're in requires a huge amount of it. Plus you all are under a huge amount of stress. And none of you are getting a break to take care of yourselves. Barb needs to start attending meetings for abused women. And all of you need an occasional shoulder to lean on. To help with the stress of his illness, call hospice. They may be able to give you all a break once a week and certainly they'll have meeting for caregivers.

As far as the housework, it won't matter if the place gets vacuumed today or next week. Set up a schedule for essential chores and switch days as to who is doing what and when. But if you get satisfaction from cleaning things to a faretheewell and she doesn't, then this will just be more stress on her, and not less.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 9:26:07 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline 		cant help you...im already insane.. wanna join me?

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I did not reply to your cmail.
I am flawed.
Imperfect.
MUST SPANK!!!
SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 9:29:46 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilMissHaven

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I just came to realize something not all that long ago. Regardless of age, there are some people that are weaker. Not worse people, just weaker.

You hear stories of two people, similar difficult backgrounds, maybe even the same family. One fights their way out and becomes sucessful. The other can't escape and gets sucked under.

Neither means the other is better, one was just stronger than the other.

Perhaps Barb just isn't strong enough. Doesn't make her a bad person, just lacking in strength.

While you are young, it appears you've got the spirit and soul of a fighter. The obstacles you face in life will probably be lessons rather than reasons to give up. Rejoice in your own strength and accept Barb's weaknesses. Age is not a guarantee of either.



Here's a question.  Barb is undoubtedly a fighter only she can't see it in herself.  Do you think you can help someone see their strengths?


Sometimes you can, and other times their distorted view of themself is so ingrained it is nearly impossible. I would say that with professional help, she might change, if she really has a desire to. Some people find a perverse pleasure in being a victim, having something to whine and complain about. It gives them a ready excuse for every failing in their lives.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 9:47:14 AM   
LadyHathor


Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		If I may peel back the layers of dynamics at work here:
 
1. J is dying--to see someone you once loved/respected/served/cared for deteriorate is a cancer in itself that eats at your soul, your pscyhe your heart, you energy. To care for one like that requires "me" time---time to walk away, take a deep breath, cry, scream, drink, whatever to recover and gain energy. When someone like that is in the house, there is a death pall that looms heavy, dark and large. No one is expected to cope 24/7 ---a few moments of away time--me time is needed by the best caregivers.
 
2. The dynamic above causes serious changes in the house---fears about decisions, will everyone get booted out, will there be funds for after---what will the son decide, how do we know if we are  making the right decisions in everyone's best interest.
 
3. Enter Barb---she was from an abusive relationship--she is a slave from an abusive relationship--she cannot and probably for a long time will not stand on her own two feet, because when she did before she met the furniture on the fly.  The slaves I've seen in those relationships don't even pee without pernmission. She has to heal and grow, she doesn't have time at the moment to do that and in this scenario without the presence of Master to guide, I am sure she is about to lose control for she has NO direction.
 
4. As for the harpies from hell ( the alleged Dommes and I refuse to use the correct word with them)--they can take their happy happy fantasy asses right on down the road--because when reality like that hits---all bets are off and life takes on the look and feel that it must.  I dare say they would function as well.
 
5. You have admitted you are bone tired--flat out, no frills dead to the world going at times I imagine through the motions so any thoughts you have at this moment are all colored by notes 1-4---
 
Barb is probably not armed to do what YOU think she should---try to deal with that, see it for what it is and move past it.  You are serving J in the best way possible---death with dignity. Whether you make all the decsions for him from here on out, you are giving him what all humans would hope for--honor, respect, love, attention, service, DEVOTION. 
 
However, that takes energy----take some  me time---then look at the dynamics of all the elements, take on only what you can impact, change, help or aid--all others you cannot affect.
 
Breathe.

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

(in reply to LilMissHaven)
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RE: Walking the rope - 3/19/2008 12:21:07 PM   
Quadrum


Posts: 10
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline 		The only thing i could say is that i have great respect in what you do.

Your actually not topping him you are giving him what he needs, and i think that is what you should do.

Hang in there.

Q

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RE: Walking the rope - 3/24/2008 3:48:58 AM   
LilMissHaven


Posts: 734
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		I'm not ignoring this thread nor have I forgotten about it.  I'm simply looking at the information shared and ensuring it applies to our dynamics and trying to figure out who to cope with the issues that do without coming off as a mean person.

_____________________________

I must first learn to master myself, before I can truly be owned by one.

(in reply to Quadrum)
Profile   Post #: 20
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