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Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/19/2008 7:05:26 PM   
wordstoponder


Posts: 56
Joined: 2/3/2008
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Whenever something wonderful happens, I tend to sabotage it.  I am often self-destructive, or at least tend to prevent myself from being at my best.  I am in an amazing relationship with a Man who I connect with on many, many levels.  When I felt myself fall for Him, I pushed Him away, gave myself emotional distance and made myself numb and cold-hearted.  When He fell for me, I again tried to push Him away.  Every time we feel that we have progressed, we slide backwards, and I resurrect the barriers that we thought had been knocked down.   He is very patient and understanding, and things have progressed well.

Except lately.  I have not been the good pet that we both want me to be.  I keep slipping into bad habits.  I explode under pressure.  When something goes wrong, I act up.  I get selfish and bratty and I disappoint Him, despite the fact that I know better.  When I get upset, depressed, or angry, I disrespect Him, and He has punished me to put me in my place. 

He does not want to punish me.  I want to be a good girl.  Does anyone have any advice on how I can tame myself?  Or how I can move on, beyond my comfort zone, and break free of these destructive habits?  I want to make Him (and myself) proud.
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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/19/2008 7:10:29 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		A lot of times a situation like this comes about from an inner fear.  Give yourself time to meditate on it and figure out what is really bothering you.  I am one that tends to hide my feelings even from myself, and I find myself becoming belligerant (very unlike me) and I can't figure out why.  It always boils down to something that I am afraid of.  Maybe you are afraid to love because you might be hurt, or maybe that if you always do what you are told that you will no longer be a real person.  Whatever the cause is, take the time to figure it out.  You'll both benefit.  (Don't be surprised if the answer brings tears when it comes.)

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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/19/2008 7:16:15 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Journaling_is_a_good_tool...

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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/19/2008 7:18:12 PM   
sabirah


Posts: 97
Status: offline 		sometimes the struggles we fight  within are because we see subtle signs that something is not right, red flags, and then ignore them, most likely because we think we can over look them or we can change the other person, simply because we want the relationship to work.
I would say take a really good look within and see if the self -sabotage is not really your sub-conscious talking to you.

< Message edited by sabirah -- 3/19/2008 7:20:20 PM >

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sabirah

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It is a sound the girl will never forget.





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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/19/2008 7:28:49 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

A lot of times a situation like this comes about from an inner fear.  Give yourself time to meditate on it and figure out what is really bothering you.  I am one that tends to hide my feelings even from myself, and I find myself becoming belligerant (very unlike me) and I can't figure out why.  It always boils down to something that I am afraid of.  Maybe you are afraid to love because you might be hurt, or maybe that if you always do what you are told that you will no longer be a real person.  Whatever the cause is, take the time to figure it out.  You'll both benefit.  (Don't be surprised if the answer brings tears when it comes.)


This is very true.  Another thing I sometimes feel is that I am not worthy of something wonderful, and the more wonderful it is, the more scared I am of having it, and the worse I act out.  It kind of makes it a self-fulfilling prophesy - you don't deserve this, [act crazy], disappoint myself and Daddy, look at myself and go "See?  What did you expect?" 

It sucks, and we have been making sure that we check in with each other when I fall into that mindset.  It helps head destructive fallout at the pass.

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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/19/2008 7:30:13 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I have seen that often, people who self sabotague, do so as a way to fulfill the fear they have that they aren't good enough and don't deserve to be happy, loved. etc. So, you have to start looking into why you feel this way.

Master Fire


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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/19/2008 7:50:46 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Ditto to MFM, until I get more insight into the actual cause of the insecurity and behavior, anything else will just be dealing with the symptoms.

Which isn't bad- learning to stop yourself before you really get into a tear, being more patient, beeing less over reactive, imagining yourself as if you were perfect and living up to that standard are all good things.

But until you really get to and work on the cause, it's not going to be the progress you want internally.

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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/19/2008 8:37:48 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		How long have you been together? Because if it's not very long, then it is understandable that you are afraid of depending on him, on believing he will stay and commit, simply because no one else in your past has ever been there for you. And when we're afraid of getting in so deep that it seems we'll drown if it goes wrong, that's when we sabotage things.

It's a way of self preservation. If you act out and he breaks it off now, you know you'll survive. But you're afraid you won't survive if it breaks up in another year.

In addition to punishment, journalling and whatever else seems to work, you need a lot of repeated assurance that he isn't leaving you.

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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/19/2008 9:08:20 PM   
ChainedExistence


Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline 		I suppose it could be red flags...but I am more inclined to believe it's your fear of being that vulnerable to another. It's a scary place for anyone who has ever dealt with issues of insecurity. In order not to "get hurt", you succeed in hurting yourself and believing you were right in not falling for the guy. Intellectually you can see that he's a good match for you, but inside you are looking for signs that he's going to ditch you any second. I so understand this. I created so much drama early in my relationship with Master because I could not let myself believe that I could trust him to really be there for me. Eventually the sheer magnitude of evidence that I was wrong turned things around- some people Do love you, despite your faults. Some people ARE willing to work things through  rather than bail at the first sign of trouble and Some people will give you peace of mind and happiness if only you can let them ALL THE WAY IN! I think angelikaJ's suggestion about journaling is a good idea, but you have a head start in recognizing that it's you creating the problems. Write down everything- What are you afraid will happen- worst case scenario? Maybe if you can imagine the worst, and see that is Not what happens you can move on from there. As for the punishments...don't think of them quite so negatively. Maybe if you view them as a sort of penance- the slate has been wiped clean and you can " go and sin no more"..in other words, move on from that behavior to something better and more productive. I think the hardest part of being a slave is being willing to be vulnerable, but in that vulnerability you will find your bliss. Best wishes on your journey.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/19/2008 11:43:37 PM   
candisa


Posts: 127
Joined: 1/7/2008
Status: offline 		greetings wordstoponder,

Why do People Self Sabotage | Free Self Improvement Ideas, Advice & Tips



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respectfully,
candisa

Freely we serve, because we freely love, as in our will
To love or not; in this we stand or fall.



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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/20/2008 5:14:24 AM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hello wordstoponder. Seems to me there may be too much pressure in your relationship. It does not matter where it comes from, things should be relaxed and pleasant. Baby steps help trust to establish itself. You need to trust yourself first and foremost, then you can trust your partner and only after can you trust in the both of you in synergy.

Always remember there is a difference between being the best (what you imagine it should be) and being at "your" best at the moment you are interacting. Try going slower and have some fun. Strive for day to day attainable goals not high ideals.

You cannot stop a bad habit, you can only replace it with another one (good habit). Focus on what you can do today that is easy for you, then take it up incrementally the next with a little difficulty added. After you get comfortable you take it up again. There is a need for dialogue and complicity as this cannot be done alone. Good luck. RL.

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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/20/2008 6:00:57 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Now I see my problem. Women think that they are not worthy of me. Op I think that robert has given you great advice.

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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/20/2008 9:11:09 AM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		My opinion only:   Identify your insecurities and overcome them.  It's hard but a lot of the baggage we carry forward stems from an insecurity within ourselves.  Talking about why you feel the way you do when you do can help identify issues, then you can work on fixing them.

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It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/20/2008 11:41:56 AM   
sweetwenchie


Posts: 1993
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		Master Fire Ma'am said it quite well.  There is some fear and insecurity within you that is holding you back.

Take the time to do some self reflection, find the core of your fears, and in exposing them to light they will be easier to work with and overcome.  After you overcome those you will be able to walk with an open and accepting heart into the relationship without sabotaging the potential for happiness.  It can be overcome, i myself used to be my own worst enemy...

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." - De Beauvoir

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." - Nietzsche

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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/20/2008 3:20:57 PM   
petpete


Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		Word... You may have various responses that can make you feel worse.. As a matter of fact i paused this question once myself and MasterFireMaam gave me a very worrying answer to that... From personal experiences there can be something that your not comfortable with or lack of communication. Maybe you need something that your partner hasn't delivered to you yet and your reaction by being bratty is trying to pass the message. i know from myself that i would hate to make indications to the D about anything and i usually try with my behavior to alter this direction. No matter what the case has its not always your fault and don't take it personally. The best way things can get resolved is by good communication. Most partners neglect that and just expect to find in there partners something that they don't understand or may not have in resulting to the bratty behavior. If you want your relationship to work out have a recess and discuss your issues with your partner. i'm sure he would also like to know what it is that is making you nervous. Good luck and don't take it personally... (it could also be just a simple whacking that you need over the knee...lol)

< Message edited by petpete -- 3/20/2008 3:32:34 PM >

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Max: And loving it!


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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/20/2008 4:25:27 PM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		I find myself feeling much the same as the one who started this thread. In addition, when things don't go right, I blame myself. I'm trying to work out of that - after all, not everything is my fault. But when I have strong feelings for a man and things are going wrong, I can't blame him - in my eyes he's perfect.

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There is none so blind as he who will not see.

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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/20/2008 4:33:44 PM   
submissfi


Posts: 10
Joined: 2/11/2008
Status: offline 		Hello to all you sub/slaves,

Thank god someone posted this...I've been doing this a few times with my dom, and its not something I ever enjoy doing, but is something that just happens, (okay self control maybe an issue, along with the need for self preservation). To be honest it completely does my head in, totally exhausts me, upsets me ( I cry a lot) and I'm sure it does the same to Sir too. I hate that I do this, and I hate that the fear is sometimes so much stronger than how I feel..its so hard to describe but its just like I shut down and nothing and no one is coming in. Defences are up and my god you'd need a industrial digger to break through them. What really, really irrates me is that a few hours later I've realised I've done this, know why I've done this, told Sir that I've done it (again) and why, and then spend the next week or more trying to make ammends...trust me thats more hard work than actually behaving..so why can't I just behave, believe and lose myself in all this wonderful kinkyness?

Is it because I really do care, and believe that no one can ever feel the same way for me? Is it because if I do this, if I love it as much as I know I do, that it may be too addictive? that in pushing Sir away that it is all less real? who knows...but just for any of you Masters/Doms/Sirs reading this/experiencing this..I know I punish myself massively over this and really any punishment that is recieved although its deserved, is no way near as bad as what I know I've done and why.

A cure..the only way to cure this..is to trust, is to show emotion, is to not be scared, is to banish these barriers once and for all, but most of all it is to realise that what this does to Sir is just as bad for him, (if not worse if he doesn't really understand the reasons why), as it is for me...and is to think of that and only that, when I know I'm about to sabotage it all again.

What always amazes me is that even when I've done this, when I sabotage something so precious to me, to Sir, which in doing so hurts someone I care so deeply for, that Sir allows me back, takes me back, and gives me chance, after chance...(although this chance is proving hard to gain this time and rightly so).

I shall be reading more on this post and just hope to hear other views and experiences...thank you to the opening post for putting this here...it came at just the right time.

Submissfi

(in reply to petpete)
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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/20/2008 5:07:47 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wordstoponder

Whenever something wonderful happens, I tend to sabotage it.  I am often self-destructive, or at least tend to prevent myself from being at my best. 


quote:

  I am in an amazing relationship with a Man who I connect with on many, many levels.  When I felt myself fall for Him, I pushed Him away, gave myself emotional distance and made myself numb and cold-hearted. 


quote:

  When He fell for me, I again tried to push Him away.  Every time we feel that we have progressed, we slide backwards, and I resurrect the barriers that we thought had been knocked down.  


Gee, anyone notice a pattern here?  Something in your childhood made you fear loss and so you reject him to keep yourself emotionally safe.

quote:

  He is very patient and understanding,


Good, he is going to need it and so are you

quote:

I keep slipping into bad habits.  I explode under pressure.  When something goes wrong, I act up.  I get selfish and bratty and I disappoint Him, despite the fact that I know better. 


Let me guess, is  your mother one to use emotions to manipulate you?  This isn't something you can "decide" to do better on.  You have a long road in front of  you but one many manage to travel.  You need to find the core of what crap you got from your parents and rip it out of your psyche.  You are testing him, "if he loves me, I can be a bitch and he won't leave and I won't make myself vulnerable to him until I finish testing him" but of course the testing never ends.  So was your father emotionally distant or somehow gave and removed love from  you?

quote:

  When I get upset, depressed, or angry, I disrespect Him, and He has punished me to put me in my place. 

He does not want to punish me.  I want to be a good girl.  Does anyone have any advice on how I can tame myself?  Or how I can move on, beyond my comfort zone, and break free of these destructive habits?  I want to make Him (and myself) proud.


Screw concepts like punishment and pride and even being a good girl.  What  you need is a good therapist and a relationship where you work on feeling safe being vulnerable and open to another.  Set aside the stereotypical D/s expectations, work on the relationship, work on creating a deep genuine trust between the two of you.  Your testing undermines that but you need to find a way to sidestep that.  Ideally, after you are done throwing your tantrum, you come back to him, and analyize what drove you do whatever you did.  Not the surface crap but the childhood emotions that surfaced.  "when  you said you were going out for a bit, I heard my dad saying he was going to go out drinking and I panicked" or whatever demons  you are facing.

You CAN do this, a loving partner is a GREAT help.  Trust me, I am going through something similar with MY behavior (fucking up school) and I have to take some time off and rip it out at the roots.  I have changed many parts of myself over the years and I WILL change this one it is just going to be ugly and not a lot of fun.

So good luck with it and know you are not alone.

(in reply to wordstoponder)
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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/20/2008 5:59:02 PM   
petpete


Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		Poetry and sub i know the feeling and i have and have send for broke a relationship with Domme that i cared for out most then anything with my actions. But She isn't responsible for my behavior nor she has a need to put up with me. i also noticed that there where aspects in the relationship which confused me even further, but i also have a need to remind myself that i am a mature person and need to take my own path of what i am looking for. i never blame Her for what She is and respect her needs and wishes in her submissives. i see a time when i have to get out of my body and assess my situation and how i am standing and where i am heading  from a neutral point of view. You guys also have to know because of our submissive nature we tend to blame ourselves most.. Taking the blame and feeling down does not help ourselves nor it helps the D's to be themselves. In fact we can cause damage to there personal state as to wether they can be up to it or not. i belive there is a strong need to show each other if we do need each other or not and if do prove that we do then its worth the effort to act on a balance level and thrush out our concerns and needs. We need time to get to know each other. On the other hand if there is know need for that, and our use is for matters that are unspecified then i think we should stop beating the dead horse and look elswere to find of what were really wish to seek. Believe in yourselves and don't listen to stories that many have to say on these forums as to they will only drive you as mad and crazy as you never thought you ever could feel like before. After all we may be subs but we are also seeking our own way of wanting to make ourselves available. i fine Dominant Lady that has been in touch with me by mail after reading my posts has given me some very greatly appreciated advice, mean while the ones who wish to complicate me even further has made me think that it has to do with my personality and so much bullshit.. i am a free person until i wish to bring out my submissive side to the person i think deserves to see that inside personality of me. Everybody is treated equally until there is a feeling between partners that i can be worthy or She can be the person that i can call "Mistress" Until then any attempts will fail and if i have to live like this for the rest of my life i am strong enough to do so. Life is not just about BDSM alone and the world will not stop turning if i don't find myself a Domme or not..

< Message edited by petpete -- 3/20/2008 6:23:24 PM >

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!


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RE: Self-Sabotage & Learning to Tame Myself - 3/20/2008 6:49:15 PM   
wordstoponder


Posts: 56
Joined: 2/3/2008
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		We've been together for a little over a month. It took a while for us to figure out the pace of our relationship, but things seem natural now. That is, until I am overcome by fear or get all worked up under pressure.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 20
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