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RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 7:12:16 AM   
justt13


Posts: 25
Joined: 12/24/2007
Status: offline 		I'm not trying to judge him in th least.  I would hope that all of us would understand that within the first few weeks of starting a relationship, you are trying to figure out if this is the right match for you.  There are a myriad of factors that play into that.  I'm not trying to demean him at all; I'm simply trying to figure out if this is the right match for me.  I'm not the only sub in the world who doesn't blindly submit to every guy she meets.  That's why I wanted to get ideas about what others have done in this situation.  I like the idea of reading books and other media together and growing together.  I think that is a possibility that could work.  Because he is so private, while I would love to go to group functions, etc., I don't think attending things like that would be a possibility.  But alas, I could always mention it.  And this is another thing we have to work through, although not completely public with my lifestyle, I have a desire to be more public and he doesn't....So it's a learning process together to see if we are compatible.  I wouldn't seek advice, however, if I was judgemental...I would just search for a different Dom elsewhere.  He is a good guy, and I'm just trying to figure out if it's workable within our differences.

I would very much like him to have a mentor or another Dom who he could learn from, but the only Doms I know I have had D/s experiences with, so I'm not sure it would be good to introduce him to them.  Although they both would be great teachers...so I think we are better off learning together with me telling him things I like.  And maybe in time, he will be willing to push my limits since I'm sure I'll be pushing his limits at first.



< Message edited by justt13 -- 3/22/2008 7:14:41 AM >

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 7:29:51 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		As you say its about figuring out the right match, if what you want are two totally differant things then there is no shame in saying that the match isnt right, I dont think it simply boils down to experiance it boils down to need. I know for example that if i had met Ceno months ago he would have terrified me just as if i was to now be with some of the Dominants I was with way back when I would probably terrify them, needs can change and grow I now desire more than I did before and D/s has become a far bigger thing for me that I ever thought it would (I am willing to admit i was one of the kinky sex crowd at the start).

I have been with people who wanted totally differant things, like you mention about the scene and stuff, I would like to be more involved in the local scene but some people dont like to, thats fine i wouldnt force it on them but because it is something that is quite important to me I dont think that they would match me in that way,. many of my friends are subs I have just found that with the type of person I am I find it easier having people I can talk totally frankly with, I also know some people who like to keep it very private, thats their choice but its not one that I would make.

All relationships start off on an equal footing really, I am going to use nilla again, Most of my ex's had slept with far less people than me I didnt see them as less experianced because I had no experiance with them and their needs were totally differant and mine changed while i was with them too.


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(in reply to justt13)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 10:01:08 AM   
GoddessTeaze


Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justt13

Thank you so much for all the posts.  I really appreciate the wide variety of wisdom shared.  I think I will continue with him, but slowly to see how all the D/s develops or doesn't.  But Yes, I will focus on the communication too!  It's so early in the relationship, that I think I still have the ability to decide if he is the man I want to submit to or not.  I'm really looking for a man who upon know him for just a small amount of time, I feel an overwhelming need to drop to my knees and serve.  It seems that a more experienced/confident man does that for me...unfortunately the only two men who have done that for me are my "training" Dom, who is not looking for an LTR, and a man who lives over 3 hours away from me.

Thanks again!

TrainingDom....?
How many do you need...

GoddezzT`


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~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to justt13)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 10:08:20 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		When Valyraen and I found ourselves in this situation, I simply taught him. I really wouldn't call it training, now that I think about it. I did what I would have done if he asked me to help him with his drawing skills or helping him bake some cookies. I provided all the information I could and showed him where he could get more information. He soaked it all up.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 3/22/2008 10:09:42 AM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to justt13)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 10:10:26 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
some folks aren't good trainers, even if you do take what others have suggested and "get over yourself".  no matter how much of this slave's self she is over, she is a miserable and ineffective leader/guide/trainer(unless we are talking dogs and not human beings), but Master is working with His slave on that.

I agree that compatibility issues may trump everything here and that's completely valid.

But if she refuses to help her dom just because "that's not what a sub does" well that doesn't seem to make much sense at all.  Even you are being worked on to understand that lack of initial talent in training does not allow you the comfort of saying "No I'm not going to do that for my master"

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(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 10:20:57 AM   
domahpet


Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline 		i do what i can for Zee, answer anything i can, and if i dont know ill look it up and send him the link.
we're in this together, we made the choice to be together. experience or lack of isnt important at all.
its our compatability and his oh so awsome natural domliness *wink* that got me.

if your worried about this, maybe you need to look at it from another angle, do you like and respect him as a person?
does him just being near make you want to please him and take care of him? is there a spark in him that makes you think hes got what you need?
everything can progress from there. youre not better than him just cause you had a dom before, you actually may be the worse for it.
maybe you dont have what He needs...
just sayin'


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Zeedaddys
~DJ domahpet~
*Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to*

*crystal*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLI12uN6k5k

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 10:24:18 AM   
justt13


Posts: 25
Joined: 12/24/2007
Status: offline 		Yeah...I was actually thinking that I was worse for it, because I had have had a Dom before.    The person I worked with while I was exploring my interests exposed me to so much that it has now made it a little complicated because I want that same level of play.  But I have no problem learning together...It could be fun.

(in reply to domahpet)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 11:50:41 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Positive reinforcement. Don't say "that wasn't hard enough". Do say "ooh that was great" and then next time when he asks if you're okay say "God yes, and I think I'm ready to try it a little harder if you are." Followed by more oohs and ahhs.

It will take him about six months to get up to speed at which point you'll be looking for a cushion for your chair. If you want a relationship with him, why not put in the six months learning period. If you're only interested in sessioning, then you may not want to put in the time. What are you looking for in this relationship?

However if you are an extreme edge player, there is no guarantee he will ever get there. He may never want to put needles in your clit or cutting you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 3:09:30 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		With the attitude you have(are showing), the relationship is doomed and he is totally better off without you.
 
the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to justt13)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 3:57:24 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Not everyone has an experienced dom. After all doms have to learn somewhere, and if you are comfortable communicating with your dom, and he is confident enough to listen, then the two of you could be good together.  When I first got together with my Sir, I had no experience, and he had years, and even with that there were a few times when I asked him for more caning because it didn't feel complete.  He enjoyed finishing me off, and I enjoyed him doing it. If you can get past egos, then you are half way there. Just don't expect him to know intuitively what you want. That isn't fair to him and ultimately, to you.  No matter the relationship , you have to put the time and effort into it, and if you are telling or suggesting what you like then the effort will benefit you.   good luck with your choices.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 3:58:54 PM   
justt13


Posts: 25
Joined: 12/24/2007
Status: offline 		the dark---
I'm trying to learn how to make it work...and be a good communicator...It makes me sad that you aren't seeing that.  I'm looking for an LTR with one person...I don't know him all that well yet, but I do want to see where it goes.  I didn't realize people would judge me for asking for advice.  I'm not seeing anyone but him right now...so I want to do it right.

< Message edited by justt13 -- 3/22/2008 4:16:28 PM >

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 5:30:43 PM   
lighthearted


Posts: 1165
Joined: 11/26/2006
Status: offline 		my Daddy had no bdsm experience, and I considered myself a newbie when we got together.  we've done a lot of learning together, but we spend a lot of time talking about what we experience and what we expect from each other.

as far as "technical skills", for lack of a better term, we've taken classes together, gone to public dungeons, etc etc.  all of them have been immensely helpful, both in terms of learning new skills and as jumping off points for further conversation.  one of the most fun was a spanking class taught by a pro Domme...that was just a great time, and we both learned a lot.  you'd think a class on spanking would be pretty elementary, but because we were both open to the experience, we both got a lot from it.

his style is a lot different than my first Dom, but it's still a very satisfying relationship for me.  I value him for who he is and what he is to me, not just the sum of his parts.

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"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to justt13)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 6:26:23 PM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

With the attitude you have(are showing), the relationship is doomed and he is totally better off without you.
 
the.dark.


I don't see an attitude. I see someone trying to learn, and help another learn.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/22/2008 11:34:34 PM   
justt13


Posts: 25
Joined: 12/24/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you Lynnxz...I really do want to help him learn while maintaining my submissive role...I've gotten a lot of very valuable advice for how to do this.  I like him...he is a very practical fit in the vanilla world...my vanilla friends already like him...so now it's time to find balance in the D/s side of things.  I would like him to be open to the idea of learning from others, and I think in time I might be able to open his eyes to the value of this. 

< Message edited by justt13 -- 3/22/2008 11:35:12 PM >

(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/23/2008 3:49:56 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justt13
and I think in time I might be able to open his eyes to the value of this. 


Hmm I didnt really understand this part? I mean I got the impression that he actually wants to be Dominant, this line looks a bit out of place in that context to be, maybe I am just being persnickity.


_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to justt13)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/23/2008 6:06:36 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: justt13

the dark---
I'm trying to learn how to make it work...and be a good communicator...It makes me sad that you aren't seeing that.  I'm looking for an LTR with one person...I don't know him all that well yet, but I do want to see where it goes.  I didn't realize people would judge me for asking for advice.  I'm not seeing anyone but him right now...so I want to do it right.


I completely understand that what I said comes across as harsh, but I am a practical person, so try and see past the words, you can't know inflection in my voice, or see my face when I am posting.
And as 'experienced' as you may think you are, you are showing inexperience by thinking and assuming that because you are a submissive person you can't be with a person new to BDSM and automatically thinking it more as training than submission to him.
You need to get out of your head what experience you have and stop comparing him to others dominants you have had, which is how you post is coming across to me.  You have mentioned them in your previous posts and to me, it feels as though the problem isn't his lack of knowledge, but that he isn't really what you want?  You are already placing expectations on the relationship and that is never healthy, particularly if, as you say, you don;t know him yet.
 
People will judge you.  Judgements are a good thing, you - yourself - need to use your judgement on this and not what you think might happen but what you see is happening.  If he didn't spank you hard enough, tell him immediately, don't wait.  If he feels insulted, would you want someone so easily offended?  Beg for more, beg for it to be harder - do it in a way that will express your need and your submission in the same breath.  Otherwise you are just giving him false perceptions on the pain you can take.  Darcy is the first to say at the start he was unsure how hard to hit me, but that was nothing to do with him not being a long time practising BDSM but because he didn;t know just how much I could take.  And somedays I can take more than others.  Don't focus on his newness, focus on your submission and beg, plead, communicate, explain and tell him about you.  Otherwise, new or not, how will he ever know?
 
If he is a private person and you like going out to groups, then you have to decide whether you can submit to that.  That is your choice right now.  The more you type, the more I get the impression it is more a compatability issue, that an issue that he is new to BDSM.
 
the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 3/23/2008 6:07:20 AM >

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to justt13)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/23/2008 6:13:36 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz

I don't see an attitude. I see someone trying to learn, and help another learn.



Yeah well, we all read things differently.
So far it has all been about 'her' in the posts.  Her experience, her past, her ex dominants, the dominants that don't want LTR with her that she would have with them, that shes not spanked hard enough, that shes the social one, that she doesn't want to be intimidating etc.(sorry to talk about you OP, no offense meant)
Nothing wrong with knowing what you want, but there is little concern on him, other than him not working out the way she wants and needs.  Like I said, I see it more as being incompatable than him being new.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/23/2008 6:38:25 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
 
If he is a private person and you like going out to groups, then you have to decide whether you can submit to that.  That is your choice right now.  The more you type, the more I get the impression it is more a compatability issue, that an issue that he is new to BDSM.
 
the.dark.


that is what I was starting to think in honesty, you have to get your priorites set, and not everyone will fit together in fairness just like in nilla you wouldnt be with someone simply because they were the gender and sexual oriantation you wanted, if you loved going to the cinima every weekend and they hated it and it was something neither would compromise on then well you wont work.


_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/23/2008 5:06:19 PM   
BikerDomRealTime


Posts: 86
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		I don't see anything wrong in asking for something more than your are getting.  I personally would want my slave to ask for something more.   I generally tend to go slower, lighter, easier in play with someone I am new with or not very experienced with because I don't know her limit, what she can tolerate and I really don't want her safeword used with in the first 30 seconds of play.  We all learn from each other and we each help each other grow. 

(in reply to justt13)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Sub with more experience than her Dom - 3/24/2008 1:37:13 AM   
MasterOfMyRealm


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/7/2008
Status: offline 		Everybody was new once. That part of us that's there inside us is not new. It's just undiscovered.

I remember when I was new. I didn't know the effect that I could have on another, and the extent of her needs. I had to learn about it, and I had to learn how to ask questions and discover what her limits were. She gave me hints, with words and stories that she wrote for me and some that she told me. I always loved those stories. Eventually I came to the point where I found that exploring limits was fun and exciting. But in the beginning, it was all a very strange concept because we both enjoyed something that society told us was wrong. Everything takes time.

You will know if he was what it takes. Help him to see what your needs are. I'm sure he will appreciate it. I know I would.

-David

(in reply to BikerDomRealTime)
Profile   Post #: 40
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