Past relationships... (Full Version)

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submissfi -> Past relationships... (3/22/2008 12:49:38 PM)

Hi Sirs/Masters/Doms/Dommes,

I was just hoping for a bit of advice/opinion/experiences/views on something. This is really hard to explain and I'm not sure if its going to come across well or understandable. 

In the past I've had a couple of sexual relationships with vanilla men, one at 17, one at 19..these were not really a loving relationship, and were in a sense abusive in various ways. This is very much something I've dealt with and put behind me, (I'm 26 now-time is a great healer) Granted I have a few issues about trusting again, and in a sense risking my feelings with men..thats not because I see men vanilla or kinky as abusers...I guess its just means I need more reassurance than most.

I also feel its important to stress I'm not attracted to a d/s relationship/lifestyle because of my past...this is something I've been interested in since I can remember..seeing a woman being tied up in films/tv was a definte turn on for me.(I'm a straight female submissive). But that said, there are a few areas in a d/s relationships that are a big No Go areas for me.

So what I was wondering is in a d/s relationship does this need to be brought up? If so is there ever a good time? and then do you see that from your points of view things change?...as in a Dom cannot abuse someone who's been abused for real. (not that abuse is what happens in a d/s relationship-but the taking power from, controlling a sub, hurting a sub, if that past image is always there)

Its just I told a Dom I care for about it, not masses of details, just that it was a part of me, and that maybe thats why I cannot trust as easily as others. I've not mentioned the no go areas as yet (you will see why in a min)..granted my choose of saying this might be the fault-(email) but now I've not heard anything since...(I did push this Dom away again-which is not something I'm happy about doing so I took a bit of faith and courage and told him)

I've read here a few times of subs/slaves coming here and having had similar experiences, I just wondered how you deal with this? and if its really an issue?

I'd be grateful to hear any responses, and thank you for taking the time to read this.

Submissfi



LeatherMasterKY -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 12:53:46 PM)

I think it's something that would naturally come up in conversation over time.
I don't think it's something you have to tell right away, unless you feel the need to.

oops! I thought I was me, and now I see I am HoneyMaster...

Excuse me a moment while I go change.

xxblushesxx



NikatreusRSA -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 12:59:58 PM)

Hey there...

As a Dominant, I'd have serious reservations if a submissive didn't tell me about her past life - it's the kind of information that you, as a considerate Dom, need to know.
Bear in mind that you, as a submissive, have every right to expect a reciprocal answer.

Trust and mutuality are prerequisites for any relationship to succeed. At the same time, no one has the right to make you feel shame about aspects of your past life - we're all here to learn what lessons we can in this lifetime without being forced past our own pace.

If a Dominant can't understand or accept your need to change and grow, you are being presented with the best possible evidence that they're seriously dodgy... part of the Dominant role means taking half the responsibility for your submissive's nurture and emotional care (actually, that should apply to any romantic relationship, in any context...)

I wish you the best of luck in finding a Dom who will treat you with the care and respect you deserve... and you DO deserve it.
Don't settle for anything less than the best.

...That's an order! ;)



CalifChick -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 1:06:30 PM)

I think you might find yourself surprised that, in time and with the right person, the "no don't go there" things will melt away.  That happened to me, for several areas.

And there are a number of us here that were assaulted in some way, that hit to the very thing that we love, and we've overcome it, and have gotten to a place where we CAN do it again, and we can love it again. 

Cali



jeffman1234 -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 1:16:33 PM)

Take it slow and develop trust. And when it comes to play time, let it be Play time. 



Justme696 -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 1:25:43 PM)

If I met an interesting person..or a lover..I want to know the bad and the good..as it is all part of her.




KnightofMists -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 1:37:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissfi

...I guess its just means I need more reassurance than most.


that is understandable... and maybe if expected

quote:


I also feel its important to stress I'm not attracted to a d/s relationship/lifestyle because of my past...


I would say... that you entered these past relationship for two reasons.....

1- because of your lifestyle desires
2- because you lacked relationship skills

and not because of the past relationships you developed an interest in the lifestyle.

quote:


So what I was wondering is in a d/s relationship does this need to be brought up?


I am assuming you mean your past abusive relationships

quote:


If so is there ever a good time? and then do you see that from your points of view things change?...as in a Dom cannot abuse someone who's been abused for real. (not that abuse is what happens in a d/s relationship-but the taking power from, controlling a sub, hurting a sub, if that past image is always there)


Consider your previous statement " Granted I have a few issues about trusting again, and in a sense risking my feelings with men..thats not because I see men vanilla or kinky as abusers...I guess its just means I need more reassurance than most"

Do you not think that it would be useful for a Dominant partner to understand the motivations behind your need for more reassurance?

Yes a Dominant can abuse a person that has been abused in the past... In fact, a person that has been abused in the past and has not or will not come to terms with the abuse... a Dominant can become a tool for furthering the same abuse.  Often abused persons, continue the abuse they have had in the past because in truth they feel they deserve it.  It is a very difficult road for an abused person to get past the abuse and to me it is very important that if a person is interested in getting intimately envolved with another that they share it will this person as quickly as possible..... Both Alandra and Kyra shared their abusive past well before we became sexually intimate and even emotional intimate.

quote:


Its just I told a Dom I care for about it, not masses of details, just that it was a part of me, and that maybe thats why I cannot trust as easily as others. I've not mentioned the no go areas as yet (you will see why in a min)..granted my choose of saying this might be the fault-(email) but now I've not heard anything since...(I did push this Dom away again-which is not something I'm happy about doing so I took a bit of faith and courage and told him)


First... Congrats on having the courage to be open and honest..... Do not look at not hearing from him as a bad thing.  It would be alot worse if he attempted to have any significant relationship and wasn't prepared to walk with you as you dealt with the past.  It would of even been worse if you didn't share it with him until much later and then he felt trapped to be there and make matters worse.

Continue to be open and honest..... the right person will not see this a weakness... but becareful of a person that will want to try to FIX you.  Your not broken!... you have a past like anyone else...... Your past just means that a person might need to take a few extra steps... but speaking from experience..... the steps are well worth it! 



JohnWarren -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 1:41:50 PM)

If it's only a few areas, I'd bring them up right away.  You don't need to go into great detail as to why.  Simply say "I don't really like X."

For example, Libby and I only have genital genital intercourse with each other and this is one of the first things we tell potential play partners.

There is a basic rule in the scene that nobody likes everything



submissfi -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 1:46:26 PM)

Hi all,

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I really appreciate it. I was just thinking perhaps this kind of information is off putting, as you see someone in a different light. I also wonder if men can sometimes handle hearing what other men have done/been responsible for. Then the worry goes through my mind that you get labelled as someone that "cries abuse" (I didn't report what happened then) so thats kind of a false representation.

I've not told many people about my past which includes my own family...although I think maybe they have figured this for themselves. So when I choose to tell this person, it was kind of a big deal..I half debated about whether to not say anything and maybe wait for a time face to face, (obviously I would have said so before anything kinky/sex wise happened) but then as my behaviour was being rather strange I felt he deserved some kind of explaination..and only an explaination..not an excuse for why it was so.

Now its 2/3 weeks later and not a word has been said...I can understand in that my pushing him away has hurt him, and that maybe he needs sometime to figure out his feelings/views on this..but now there is no contact between us and I feel as if he has moved on, and I'm none the wiser if this was over the past relationship issue? my behaviour? or a combination of them both?

So now I'm thinking perhaps I shouldn't have said, and maybe now I might not really speak of it again. I thought that it showed I trusted him, it showed I was serious, open, honest, and I kind of thought he may want to talk to me about it. I've said I'm happy to if he needs me too...I've tried to reassure him, and said it doesn't affect my submission, or submissive nature. But now no effort has been made to communicate with me, I'm just really confused...and those barriers he once broke down are slowly being built back up again.

Oh well...heres me feeling something very strong for him, and he has just disappeared...what do I do? give up? move on? (not that I want to move on mind you...I just secretly hope that in an ideal world everything is A okay..) but even now that is fading.

Submissfi



Justme696 -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 1:52:48 PM)

quote:

Oh well...heres me feeling something very strong for him, and he has just disappeared...what do I do? give up? move on? (not that I want to move on mind you...I just secretly hope that in an ideal world everything is A okay..) but even now that is fading.


wait a little....perhaps he feels guilty...IF it takes to long...yes..sadly you have to move along.
Don't forget..the past formed you. Even if it was a bad past..it made you the person he liked.

No advise will be ever good enough..to solve all. JUSt be you...and don't hide



xxblushesxx -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 1:53:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren



Libby and I only have genital genital intercourse with each other


So I guess anal's out of the question, huh?

(sorry, I couldn't help myself. I tried, but it's like Roger Rabbit and the 'shave and a haircut thing)



submissfi -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 1:53:51 PM)

quote:


I also feel its important to stress I'm not attracted to a d/s relationship/lifestyle because of my past...


I would say... that you entered these past relationship for two reasons.....

1- because of your lifestyle desires
2- because you lacked relationship skills

and not because of the past relationships you developed an interest in the lifestyle.

Hi KnightofMists,

Please could you explain what you mean by this part of you reply...am just a little confused about what you are meaning. I would like to respond when I understand more, as you can imagine its a bit of a touchy subject and don't want to get the wrong end of the stick.  The rest of your reply has been of great help, Thanks.
Submissfi



Justme696 -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 1:54:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren



Libby and I only have genital genital intercourse with each other


So I guess anal's out of the question, huh?

(sorry, I couldn't help myself. I tried, but it's like Roger Rabbit and the 'shave and a haircut thing)


they did say ONLY   :P




submissfi -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 1:56:56 PM)

wait a little....perhaps he feels guilty...IF it takes to long...yes..sadly you have to move along.
Don't forget..the past formed you. Even if it was a bad past..it made you the person he liked.

No advise will be ever good enough..to solve all. JUSt be you...and don't hide

Hi Justme696,

Thanks for replying, both great replies and very helpful. Why do you think he feels guilty? I can't really see that he has anything to feel guilty about..or are you implying about the reassuarnce thing?

Submissfi



CalifChick -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 1:57:13 PM)

Do you really want to be with someone who would judge you for what happened to you in the past? Do you really want to have a relationship with someone where you don't feel safe enough that you have to keep that big secret??

Cali



Justme696 -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 2:06:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissfi

Hi Justme696,

Thanks for replying, both great replies and very helpful. Why do you think he feels guilty? I can't really see that he has anything to feel guilty about..or are you implying about the reassuarnce thing?

Submissfi
perhaps he feels bad because he "punished you" and feels bad because that might look wrong because of your past.
but those 2 are different..abuse   vs   bdsm punishment..or soemthing similar.

If you can contact him...ask him directly if he likes you and ask for a honest answer. ELse..you have to move on...for soem one..who knows how to handle it.




KnightofMists -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 2:06:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissfi
quote:


I would say... that you entered these past relationship for two reasons.....

1- because of your lifestyle desires
2- because you lacked relationship skills

and not because of the past relationships you developed an interest in the lifestyle.


Hi KnightofMists,

Please could you explain what you mean by this part of you reply...am just a little confused about what you are meaning. I would like to respond when I understand more, as you can imagine its a bit of a touchy subject and don't want to get the wrong end of the stick.  The rest of your reply has been of great help, Thanks.
Submissfi


Submissfi.... what I am meaning is that the internal desires to do the things we do in this lifestyle was in you their before you came involved in those past relationships.  In part, those internal desires propelled you to become involved in those relationships.  These individuals had an aspect to them that attracted you.. that satisfied this internal part of you.... However, at the time you lacked the relationship skills needed to make a proper choice in having healthy relationship.   Thou these individuals might connected with you in a small but important way... they didn't connect in alot of other equally important ways.  Time as past... you have likely became alot smarter in that time....

Many individuals get caught up in chasing the lifestyle of their choice..... but like any intimate relationship... their needs to be skills developed to make the relationship work as well.  We can't just chase our lifestyle without having basic relationship skill and hope to be successful.



submissfi -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 2:09:15 PM)

Hi CalifChick,

Thanks for replying. I don't want to be with anyone that I have to keep it from, or that I don't feel safe in not telling them. I told him, because I felt he had to know, because I wanted him to know, I felt it would help him to understand me, my behaviour, my needs, and I would tell many other doms that I may form intimate relationships with in the future. I don't think people judge, I guess that people might-back to the reassurance thing.

But because since then we've not spoken for so long I guess, well I'm assuming that this may have something to do with, I do understand if its a time thing, and thats totally fair enough. But a tiny part of me thinks that maybe the moment I said, was the moment everything for him changed.

What other conclusions can I draw from the fact we've not spoken?

Submissfi



mzbehavin -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 2:28:28 PM)

submissfi~ As most women on the planet, we've had bad experiences in our youth that we had no control over at the time other than to get through it.
More often than not, unfortunately these experiences often involve the opposite sex.
(Yes, men have negative life experiences involving women also this isnt so much gender exclusive.)
This is something we have to work through and learn from to create healthier relationships for ourselves later.
It is your duty as a human being to do so. If you let the past shape your future to the degree you continue to fail, you are simply chasing your tail and havent learned yet how exhausting that can be.
Please dont think im critical of you, as in fact i have compassion for you.
However, all that said, do you know how many Men on here and elsewhere hear the "Poor me i was abused and now i cant trust" stuff? It has to be tiresome at best.
Let me assure you, most if not all humans have been hurt or had a bad past. We move on, we do better, we evolve.
Yes we should share the past with prospectives who care enough to hear it, yet i agree with Cali~ To quote
"Do you really want to be with someone who would judge you for what happened to you in the past? Do you really want to have a relationship with someone where you don't feel safe enough that you have to keep that big secret??"

I'm learning that when people dissapear to not personalize it. Its probably not your issues so much as his issues. He just took the easy out and let you shoulder the burden of uncertainty, wich feeds the insecurity issues and so on and so on...
Sighs* I know, ive been there. But i have faith in you. That you can move on. That you can heal, and that you wont get stuck on repeat.
Again, i aplogize if this seems harsh, its not my intention to be so. Just straight talk.



CalifChick -> RE: Past relationships... (3/22/2008 2:36:37 PM)

And let me add this:  You may never have an answer from him. Just because you ask a straightforward, direct question, doesn't mean someone has the balls to answer it.

Cali



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