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Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 11:41:41 AM

KarbonCopy

Posts: 779
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I'm not sure how many others can relate to the same problem that I've been having, but I'm sure everyone here can vouch for the de-sensitizing qualities of this particular lifestyle.

Even at an early age, I spent a great deal of time studying sexuality and the lifestyle, and through that pursuit of knowlege I believe I've made a huge mistake.

As natural as anything else after years of exposure and pushing deeper and deeper all in too small of a time frame I've become completely de-sensitized to almost everything. Its like nothing does it for me anymore, I find that satisfaction of any sort is few and far between, regardless of how happy my Domme is.

For a few years now its been something that my partner and I can deal with, soley because we could go a litle more extreme or try something new, but now its like I just feel like I dont belong anymore.

I'm not sure i'm getting my point across i've been suffering from an ear infection all weekend so I apologize if I stopped in the middle of a thought lol.

Thanks for your time.
~karbon

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 11:49:27 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Take a break from play. Like three months minimum. No anything sexual or painwise or sensation play at all. Afterwards you will have no pain tolerance, and little tweaks will make you jump. At that point just a blindfold and telling you to lie still will have the nerves jumping. You'll react to an ice cube, a lick, a drop of hot wax, a piece of silk slid over your skin, etc. You can't make things new again, but you can have brand new responses.

Good luck with the ear infection. Do you have to wait till tomorrow to see the doctor or are you already on antibiotics?

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 3/23/2008 11:50:43 AM >

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 11:51:37 AM

domahpet

Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline

your thread makes me feel like youre feeling sad. this is definetly something you need to work on with your domme.
does she know how you feel? what does she think about it?
sounds like you need to take a break, maybe spend some time with yourself. find a different focus for awhile.
sometimes things, hobbies, addictions, etc. just "time-out". maybe this is shappening to you.
maybe you could try some different forms and see if theyll give you what you need.
i hope youre feeling better soon, i know its hard to not get depressed thinking about this kind of stuff when youre
sick. ((((((((hugs))))))))

edited to add some s's lol

< Message edited by domahpet -- 3/23/2008 11:53:39 AM >

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*Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to*

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 11:53:31 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

I understand what you are saying- its like after the honeymoon - the new has worn off, for it to be exciting you have to go just a little bit further than last time, and a little bit further and a little bit further, until you feel as if there is no where else to go. What do you do then?

My Sir and I have been together 24/7 for two years, and at first there was that little frisson of excitement/fear when we started something. Now , that has worn off , I no longer fear that my Sir will damage me, but for me, what we have now is better - we have love and contentment and sexual satisfaction and the occasional excitement.

Life isn't about the adrenaline surge - its about the times in between that make us happy. If you are an adrenaline junkie, then I feel sorry for you - you don't know the joy of a quiet life. Perhapes you need a period of time of abstenance so you can be resensitised to what you enjoy doing. Denial can be very exciting. And when you do start again you are a virgin!

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 11:54:34 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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I hear you, like Marilyn Chambers said, 'It's just another act.'. But as we get older, we fade in and out of the sexuality, become a little jaded by life.......normal as hell Karb. You will get the spark back. Something you passed up as mundane some years ago will get the old weiner thinking about the future, yanno?

Read more, Shakespeare, interesting shit, obsess on something else, and the obsession for depravity will eventually return.

try doing something while chewing a stick of juicy fruit with your ass....(That's one I bet you ain't tried yet!!!!)

I feel ya, bro....maybe it is winter doldrums, spring fever, the angst of youth, the despair of old age...........SUCK THAT FUCKIN STRAPON BOY!!!! IT WILL COME ANEW!!!

Ron

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 12:01:06 PM

TwistedLeather

Posts: 189
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline

i've found that contentment in the small things (you know, the everyday little things people sometimes over look) are what make me happy. Sure, good play can be very satisfying, and exhausting, but it's not what gets me going. It's the smiles, warm hugs, soft caresses, touches in passing, words of affection that give me joy with my Owner.

Instead of saying the spark and excitement aren't there anymore, take a step back and see how they've changed.

Love doesn't fade, it changes. Into something deeper and more meaningful. Steady and strong.

(in reply to mnottertail)

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 12:14:52 PM

LadyHathor

Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline

ahh so nice to see I am not alone--perhaps as ron said, it is something that comes with age--I find Myself bored with the fantasies, the boys who make every conversation about something D/s---when I want to chat politics--who beg Me to share some bizarre unrealistic fantasy--when the very simple is what thrills Me. The glow of the fire, the nakedness and vulnerability of the boy before Me---the movement of a long red nail along a taut butt, or the sound of a flogger dragged against expectant skin---stealing a kiss when least expected--versus shibari bound to a cherry cross, beaten and f*&%kd senseless--perhaps it is wisdom, perhaps it is age--when My greatest fantasy is My morning coffee served on time, correctly on a silver tray--nothing more complex or perverse.

Perhaps it is spring fever, age, wisdom, or the love for the simple pleasures.

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 12:32:15 PM

Venatrix

Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline

KarbonCopy, it's quite a pity that you're feeling jaded at such a young age, though I'm reminded of that utterly charming film, Gigi, and the contrast between the terminally jaded young Louis Jourdan and the effervescent elderly Maurice Chevalier. The advice you've been given about taking an extended break from BDSM is sound. I'd also encourage you to take up a hobby that perhaps you've been interested in, but haven't yet got round to studying. I find that starting a project I've been wanting to tackle tends to give me a fresh perspective on life in general. Good luck.

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 12:36:22 PM

KarbonCopy

Posts: 779
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I wanted to thank you all for your posts.

My Domme knows that I do feel this way, and we havn't really played forever because of it. I cant bring myself to want to even have vanilla sex. Everything has just become so old so boring.

the more I spent trying to be creative and delv deeper into fantasy the more i found I destroyed the illusion of fantasy to myself as well. I feel like if I tell anyone my fantasies, i've ruined it. If my Domme indulges a fantasy of mine that she's also into, then how can I enjoy that.

Now I know "Omg its not your pleasure that matters its her blah blah blah!" lol load of crap anyways.

But yes, I do want her to be satisfied more than me since well i'm not even used to the feeling of satisfaction, if i've felt it ever. somtimes i do wonder.

But I feel like I've become dammaged goods. walking away from it isnt going to make it hot again, not going to make it well anything but a re-visisted aspect of my life. lol.

But this has been going on for a couple years at least, cause a few years ago I started noticing that what i thought was hot a week ago was boring.

I'm afraid i'm going to have to start cutting off bodyparts just to feel scared, to feel my heart pumping, that feeling in your gut.
lol I might if i thought it would work. I cant remember the last time I felt that butterfly heart pounding feeling. you know like necking with your best girl behind the skating rink. i havn't felt that since i was allot younger.

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 12:39:34 PM

KarbonCopy

Posts: 779
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I just feel like I never should have explored myself. It definantly did something bad to me.
Before this lifestyle I was at least content with some rough sex, but now. Thats all a thing of the past.

I definantly regret everything.

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 12:58:41 PM

Boondoggle

Posts: 123
Joined: 5/16/2005
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You sound depressed, as in real, clinical depression. Talk to your doctor, or, even better, a psychiatrist. Then, find a kink-positive therapist. Depression isn't uncommon. I've been there, I know how much it sucks. Seek professional help, it's worth it.

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You see I'm not the kind of fella'
who can get off on vanilla.
No I need a little color in my sex.
--The Wet Spots

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Post #: 11

RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 1:13:10 PM

KarbonCopy

Posts: 779
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well thats a long story in its own. but the last doctor I saw told me that it wasnt her problem and sent me away. So while they might help people where you live, they dont care about those things here, so I chose to not care either lol.

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 1:18:37 PM

quick

Posts: 1053
Joined: 1/16/2008
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While I sympathize with your plight, it is perhaps unwise to blame the life for it. Without knowing more about you, your history, your mind, my only suggestion would be to perhaps talk with someone, a professional someone, who might be able to help you. That, or as others have suggested, an absence of activity or thought about the life may help. Perhaps the old adage is true, that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Best of luck to you, though.

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 1:22:10 PM

KarbonCopy

Posts: 779
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so its unanimous, turn my back on all of this and just forget it, untill perhaps another day?

I wish it were that easy, i've tried not to think about it. Ever since I discovered it as a young teen nothing has felt more right. And even now it feels right, it just feels like now I'm wrong.

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 1:26:51 PM

Boondoggle

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Joined: 5/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KarbonCopy

well thats a long story in its own. but the last doctor I saw told me that it wasnt her problem and sent me away. So while they might help people where you live, they dont care about those things here, so I chose to not care either lol.

Then find a different doctor. At the very least, look for a kink-friendly therapist. She will be able to help so much more than anyone on here. Look here: http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270

_____________________________

You see I'm not the kind of fella'
who can get off on vanilla.
No I need a little color in my sex.
--The Wet Spots

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Post #: 15

RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 1:42:59 PM

KarbonCopy

Posts: 779
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Boondoggle

quote:

ORIGINAL: KarbonCopy

well thats a long story in its own. but the last doctor I saw told me that it wasnt her problem and sent me away. So while they might help people where you live, they dont care about those things here, so I chose to not care either lol.

Then find a different doctor. At the very least, look for a kink-friendly therapist. She will be able to help so much more than anyone on here. Look here: http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270

No listings for Alberta, Canada. lol

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 1:56:00 PM

quick

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Joined: 1/16/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KarbonCopy

so its unanimous, turn my back on all of this and just forget it, untill perhaps another day?

I wish it were that easy, i've tried not to think about it. Ever since I discovered it as a young teen nothing has felt more right. And even now it feels right, it just feels like now I'm wrong.

I do not think "turn your back on all of this" is quite the correct message. Step back might be more correct. We cannot unlearn what we know, about ourselves, or the world. Well, not without a few shots to the side of the head, at least. You are, I suspect, right where you should be. You know enough to realize that something (possibly everything) is not working right now. So, step back. Take some time to learn something else about yourself. Sometimes, when we ponder too long, problems have a way of becoming much larger than they really are, and monsters seem much more frightening. Redirecting your attention for a while might seem useless, but then again, what do you have to lose? The life will still be here, and you will still be who and what you are.

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 2:00:39 PM

KarbonCopy

Posts: 779
Status: offline

Yeah but how do you step away when you're in a relationship with a Domme?
the very thought of her playing with anyone even if we had broken up makes me want to vomit on the spot.

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 2:48:35 PM

kiwisub12

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Loss of libedo is a classic sign of clinical depression. You might think about seeing a doctor and talking to him/her about it. I think there are some things on line that you can look at and see if you fit this diagnosis.

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RE: Pursuit of Knowlege - Wish I could take it back. - 3/23/2008 2:50:40 PM

kiwisub12

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Joined: 1/11/2006
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ok - didn't update the thread. Sorry you have had such a bad experience with your doctors, but there has to be someone who help.

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