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feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 10:18:27 AM   
celofane


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/25/2008
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I am a regular poster, but I didn't want to post this under my real name as we are both on this site.  My Dom has submissive feelings and up until today I was totally fine with what was going on, in fact I told him that I hoped that they could get together soon as they were having trouble connecting, then after a conversation earlier today a whole flood of emotion hit me.
 
I'm sure it will pass, and I know need to talk with him about my emotions, but I'm feeling off about his relationship with a Domme.  He went to see her last night and is going back today.  Apparently he has to work to "earn" rewards from her (and I don't think I want to know anymore then that)
 
This is reeking havoc on my instinct that men appreciate more what they have to work for and until I can talk to him about it, I'm not sure that I can get over the feeling that if she decides that he needs to be monogamous to her that it could happen.  In that dynamic she has the power and I don't know how attractive he may find that.
 
 
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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 10:37:33 AM   
atursvcMaam


Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
Status: offline 		Let Him know how you really feel about this.  no matter how empathic He might be, He can not read your mind.


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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 10:41:16 AM   
charmdpetKeira


Posts: 916
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quote:

ORIGINAL: celofane

 I'm not sure that I can get over the feeling that if she decides that he needs to be monogamous to her that it could happen.  In that dynamic she has the power and I don't know how attractive he may find that.


Perhaps, he made it a hard limit?
 
k

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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 10:42:35 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		My first question is how old is everybody in this deal? How long have you been together?

Ron

feelings like yours are normal, and you do need to discuss this at length. But don't start swallowing poison Koolaide right now, even if you think it is a good idea....let it cook with everyone.

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 3/25/2008 10:43:06 AM >

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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 10:48:22 AM   
celofane


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/25/2008
Status: offline 		heh, the problem with being incognito is people don't know shit about you.

My Dom and I are stradling 40, the Domme is in her late 20s.  He and I have been together for 6 months, I know he's been talking with her intermittently for maybe 3 months but maybe more then that.

I know that some hard limits I had have evolved as my feelings/trust and experience change.  Even if he says that monagamy to her would be a hard limit now, one can't control how their feelings develop.

With more thought and consideration, I think I'm writing an e-mail now, it will clearer and more consice then a the face to face discussion it will spark and I'll make sure I get everything out.  Still, I know his schedule and I know I'll be stewing about this for at least a day before anything can be accomplished.

< Message edited by celofane -- 3/25/2008 10:49:29 AM >

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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 10:55:27 AM   
atursvcMaam


Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
Status: offline 		simple suggestion:  keep the e-mail and read carefully, and calmly before sending it.  with a lot of time to read and re-read it will get etched in.  realize that the worst that can happen is already in your imagination, it is quite possible that this is the only place that outcome exists.
    Good luck i hope that it all works out well


_____________________________

live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse when you die.
Love ya, but, when the zombies start chasing us, i am tripping you.
The glass is always full, the question is, "with what?"

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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 10:56:44 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		then don't send the email off right away, make sure you sleep on it, and revisit it tomorrow, before you send it, if it is important, getting it exactly right is just as important as getting it out, take advantage of a little stewing perspective, K?

For me, so I don't have to beat you up.

Ron

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 10:56:44 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Its not very incognito if you say that you are being incognito and then posting specifics (like him seeing her yesterday and today etc) seems like you want him to read this rather than actually say anything. I think you should talk to him if its upsetting you because the emotionas will just come out in another way if you dont direct them to what they need to be directed at and then nothing will change and everyone will be grumpy and upset. Never good


< Message edited by colouredin -- 3/25/2008 10:57:16 AM >

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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 10:59:07 AM   
celofane


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/25/2008
Status: offline 		good advice from both of you.  I'll do that.  Even if I do like a good beating now and again. Thanks

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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 11:00:17 AM   
celofane


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/25/2008
Status: offline 		I don't care so much that he reads it, as I will talk to him anyway.  What I don't want is for this to shade someone elses perception of him.

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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 11:18:42 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Ahhh thats fair enough, didnt really think of it from that perspective, if you feel most confident sending it in an email then i agree with what has been said about reading it calmly before sending it (maybe you have a friend who could look over it possibly to see what the tone is like? I know thats what I have asked people to do because I cant always tell) But I would talk about it face to face after you have let him take in the email because sometimes you need the physicality in conversation about issues like this. 

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I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 12:43:50 PM   
OsideGirl


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From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: celofane
 I'm not sure that I can get over the feeling that if she decides that he needs to be monogamous to her that it could happen. 
The crux of the matter is that you're not in a relationship with her. You did not negotiate to be submissive to her and because of that he will need to completely separate the two relationships from each other. If her relationship with him starts having direct impact on your relationship with him, then you'll need to make some hard decisions.

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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 12:46:44 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: celofane

I'm sure it will pass, and I know need to talk with him about my emotions, but I'm feeling off about his relationship with a Domme.  He went to see her last night and is going back today.  Apparently he has to work to "earn" rewards from her (and I don't think I want to know anymore then that)



I see this statement as the whole key to your dilemma. Take your need to talk to him and do so. My take is you are running on assumptions and projections of what ifs and what might be in the future. It may be easier to break this down into smaller issues before tackling the whole ball of wax so to speak. Be open with him about your feelings, then deal with the fact that your Dom is now seeing a Domme. When you've been totally open about your feelings, then your instinct will be less clouded and you'll be able to make the best possible decision after.


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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 2:57:16 PM   
chatondamore


Posts: 86
Joined: 12/22/2007
Status: offline 		I hesitated about answering this post, for several reasons, but felt that i needed to.
As a switch myself, i understand that need to experiment to discover where my interests really are, and what I really needed to feel complete in my life.

Your Dom may have gone to a responsible top that understands poly and will not demand monogamy from him. Personally, as a married poly myself, i would not be with a dominant that insisted that i leave my former relationships with loved ones.

Talking to him will help. I'm sure of it.


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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 3:29:36 PM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		all I can say is talk, talk, talk, but that is my anwer for almost everything.

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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/25/2008 5:19:37 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Talk to him. Tell him you're afraid she'll order him to do things that are designed to destroy your relationship. Ask him what ground rules he's put in place to prevent that.

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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/27/2008 12:44:13 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I'd also consider a sit down with the three of you. You and she need to understand how the relationship between you and her is going to work.

So, talk to him first, then request all three of you talk. Lay out the ground rules for everyone so that no one is making assumptions and such.

Master Fire


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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/27/2008 2:42:21 AM   
Evility


Posts: 915
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		Anytime you open a relationship up beyond monogamy you run the risk that one (or both) parties may meet someone that draws them away from the primary relationship. You cannot place limits on people's emotions, as you yourself rightly stated. This is part of the cost of doing business in this scenario. I am not knocking poly/open relationships - I did it myself for a few years and largely enjoyed it.

You can place all the limits on physical activities that you wish but that's about all you have control over. If you and he are a good match and he meets someone who is a perfect match (or even a better match) things might not end up the way you'd like once the smoke clears, particular in light of the relatively short time you two have been together.

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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/27/2008 7:13:43 AM   
lubegirl


Posts: 59
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		That would make me run...fast.
Sad but true!  I would lose respect and start asking myself if maybe we are not ideal.
I do not know your history or situation,,just sit at his feet and express how you feel.
Good Luck,
Nicole

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RE: feeling sad/needing validation - 3/27/2008 12:14:57 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I agree with Des and MasterFireMaam. They both made excellent suggestions.
You're much stronger than me.
I don't think I could be in that situation.

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