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Married to a vanilla lady - 9/30/2005 11:24:33 PM   
enchantedleather


Posts: 5
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline 		l;

< Message edited by enchantedleather -- 10/12/2005 1:30:14 AM >
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RE: Married to a vanilla lady - 9/30/2005 11:33:53 PM   
MsIce


Posts: 59
Joined: 3/31/2005
Status: offline 		For better or for worse, is what what you promised?
People do change and her being frigid might be something that you two can work on together. Has she had some trauma in her life.

I suspect that for you to have told her at the beginning that you were submissive and he accepting that must mean that you had a good relationship and had good communication.

You say that she has been to counselling. Well thats a step in the right direction. Do you love her for who she is, or who you imagined her to be?

(in reply to enchantedleather)
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RE: Married to a vanilla lady - 10/1/2005 12:04:28 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: enchantedleather

Hello:

i am a married submissive male who is married to a woman who after nine months of marriage told me that she doesn't like sex and she believes tha she is fridgid. i have known my wife for four years and have been married for about 1 and 1/2 and she has known from the start about my lifestyle and up until her anouncement, assured me that she was "into" the idea of having a submissive boyfriend/husband. She does participate every now and then but it's not very often and only if i make the suggestion. When i suggest divorce or separation she seems to "pour it on" with leather and the whole nine yards. We have been in councelling for six months but she still doesn't show any signs of change or interest of any sort. There are other issues but that's the primary one.

i am considering divorce but my question is, Is it the wrong thing to consider divorce when your spouse misled you from the start where her passion were or am I expecting too much from someone and hope that love will conquer all? i am so absolutely miserable i just don't know if there is any other choice at this point.

submissievely,

enchanedleather


First, you need to address the issues of her not liking sex. Did she like sex before marriage? If so, you need to find out if she's had a medical change, a hormonal change, a lifestyle change that's screwing with her mind and emotions --what's affecting her libido?

If you both are committed to trying to save the relationship, it might be that you need a compromise regarding the kink. The fact that she breaks out the full on leather and toys getup as a last resort when she feels she might lose you indicates her perception of what you want is the full nine yards. She may not be comfortable with the image of the domina, the stereotype of the dominatrix, the idea of gear and dress up and her being a bitch or controlling. A lot of "vanilla" women find the entire S&m thing to be a ridiculous joke. The idea that a man is turned on by it just floors a lot of women.

The trick is removing the stereotype and letting her see how erotic and exciting domination can be. No outfits, no toys, no ridiculous roleplaying. Just sensual control of her partner. It's less threatening, it's not as "silly" and it allows a woman to see that below the surface, power exchange is a really exciting way to play the role of the princess, the woman that captivates her man, the woman that feels incredibly empowered and sexy.

Even vanilla women *like* feeling empowered, sexy, commanding, desired. They like to know they are making a guy melt, they are making a man want her very badly, they are captivating.

My web site has some no-nonsense tips (designed for women) how to get past the leather and whips and chains and see power exchange for what it is-- a way to have a mindblowing connection with a submissive partner and find the fun and passion in it.

But what must exist in your relationship FIRST is a mutual desire to work things out. On *your* end it must include a willingness to put aside your expectations and desires and ideals and fantasies. On *her* end it must include the ability to throw away all her misconceptions about what "bdsm" is and start with a fresh new outlook.

If your sex life is in shambles and there are any trust issues (ie, if you are seeking partners on the side, sneaking around, trying to scratch the itch elsewhere) then it won't work. You both have to give 100% to try to work it out.

Akasha

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to enchantedleather)
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RE: Married to a vanilla lady - 10/1/2005 12:26:44 AM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		I say compromise on the kink and stay if you love her, and she loves you.
If you don't love her, than divorce because life is too short to sacrifice being miserable and feeding codependency in a non-fun way.

One thing I wish you would do is mention in that beautiful profile of yours that YOU ARE MARRIED because to women like me, it's a very important piece of info to leave out as prospects come calling. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to enchantedleather)
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RE: Married to a vanilla lady - 10/1/2005 12:46:55 AM   
Misstoyou


Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: enchantedleather

Hello:

i am a married submissive male who is married to a woman who after nine months of marriage told me that she doesn't like sex and she believes tha she is fridgid. i have known my wife for four years and have been married for about 1 and 1/2 and she has known from the start about my lifestyle and up until her anouncement, assured me that she was "into" the idea of having a submissive boyfriend/husband. She does participate every now and then but it's not very often and only if i make the suggestion. When i suggest divorce or separation she seems to "pour it on" with leather and the whole nine yards. We have been in councelling for six months but she still doesn't show any signs of change or interest of any sort. There are other issues but that's the primary one.

i am considering divorce but my question is, Is it the wrong thing to consider divorce when your spouse misled you from the start where her passion were or am I expecting too much from someone and hope that love will conquer all? i am so absolutely miserable i just don't know if there is any other choice at this point.

submissievely,

enchanedleather


AAkasha was right about determining what's affecting your wife's libido. Counseling is a good thing, but don't dismiss the "other issues" when focusing on this primary one. The other issues could be the primary problem, and the lack of libido, the effect. On the other hand, it can be something physical, or at the very least, you can address the physical symptoms to encourage her desire. That would be a very submissive. as well as loving, thing to do, btw.

That is not the same thing as asking her to dominate you. In all probability, the sex will have to come first, and the kink second to solve this problem.




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~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"


(in reply to enchantedleather)
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RE: Married to a vanilla lady - 10/1/2005 6:09:37 AM   
HotLover


Posts: 14
Joined: 9/29/2005
Status: offline 		Sorry to hear about your problem. Try to work things out with her. But if you cant do not turn to cheating on her as this will make things messy & she will find out, in most cases they do. If all else fails than get a Divorce. And as MsIce said, you did say for Better or Worse, just do not turn to cheating, providing you may have thought about that. I do wish you luck & hope you keep me posted on how things work out.


Take care & Good Luck!!

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Hot Lover

(in reply to enchantedleather)
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RE: Married to a vanilla lady - 10/1/2005 7:13:57 PM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		I read the words of for better for worse.... fairy tales in the real world.

I don't say this as a bitter person, just thought I would post from a perspective that most will avoid. SO I will let my darker self take a stab at this one.

There is a legal term of 'fraud' in annulments. As I have read, one person in the couple leads the other person to believe that they will sexually perform & then they do not that is grounds of filing an annulment on the grounds of fraud. This specific example did speak of the person having a physical reason for not being able to perform, but I am sure a good lawyer can work in mental reasons as well.

As to divorce... you really do not need to have a reason anymore. Irreconcilable differences pretty much covers it all.

You are early in the marriage & if you do not have children at this point it would be better to end now than later when you may actually have kids.

If you have been completely honest to her about being submissive & wishing to have a power exchange relationship & she accepted this, then she has not lived up to her agreement & why should you suffer for it for the rest of your life.

(personally, I would hope that there could always be " & they lived happily ever after" endings to all stories of love & romance... but again, that is not reality)



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MstrssPassion


(in reply to HotLover)
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RE: Married to a vanilla lady - 10/2/2005 12:52:19 AM   
Sylverdawn


Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		A glib person once said... if the sex in your marriage is good its one percent of your relationship ... if its bad its 99 percent of a relationship.

I can understand your frustration with your situation. I would be complete honest about how I felt in consellling... "Doc.. look Im so frustrated by this situation there are times with getting out is the most attractive option.. I cant wont live a life half fulfilled... but you have to know.. I would walk over broken glass in bare feet if I needed to to help fix the issues that we have.. but I have to know that she believes that in the end they are fixable... I have to have that hope" Then with counselling set yourself some attainable goals.. whatever they are .. they will can the bench mark for progress and you wont feel like your never going to be in the relationship you *dreamed* of.

I disagree with if you love someone bullship... just because you love someone doesnt mean that its a strong viable healthy relationship... but it can be and it deserves the opportunity become one but with out martyering yourself for it.

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
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RE: Married to a vanilla lady - 10/3/2005 12:46:55 AM   
enchantedleather


Posts: 5
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline 		Mstrss Passion:
i greatly appreciate your and everyones input. As i approach the age of 40 i have discovered that there is no Happily Ever After

< Message edited by enchantedleather -- 10/12/2005 1:31:32 AM >

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
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RE: Married to a vanilla lady - 10/3/2005 8:47:47 AM   
Kasia


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/25/2005
From: The Coast of Adria
Status: offline 		I have really nasty experience of trying to patch up marriage for 17 years and then having the most horrible divorce.
Our differences were very much in sexual preferances.

Not saying your situation is similar to mine, but whenever I hear about "making up" or "getting along" in alike situations I just shiver....... took 17 years of my life and lot of emotional suffering to find out "love at any cost" doesnt always work. If it ever does.

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I DO have profile - just lost an S somewhere along the way

Kassia

(in reply to enchantedleather)
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RE: Married to a vanilla lady - 10/8/2005 6:03:42 PM   
Jaken8ter


Posts: 4
Joined: 1/8/2005
Status: offline 		Enchanted..
My spouse was not "really" into kink when we started dating either, she did however play when she felt necessary by spanking and or bondage.
Sex was not bad either! Then after marriage everything slowed to a stop. For the most part it was self bondage, self denial, self serve if you know what I mean. Sex is not on her top ten list and not for lack of trying on both our parts. She was able to realize that my needs were 100 fold of hers and most often times are "taken in hand" But she realizes that I still have needs that she will not handle (I think this was the key)
Recently, she has encouraged me to seek kink fullfillment outside the confines of our marriage, on her terms which are fairly light.
The communication we have developed over the years (not sure if begging counts though ) has let me inform her of where my needs are and hers aren't. She loves me dearly, that I know.... and allowing me to fulfill my needs will allow her to enjoy the rest of our relationship without fear of losing me.
If there is nothing for you at all in the relationship then divorce may be an option. If she is willing to share you with a Domme (this is the hard part on everybody's side) but not hear the details of the other relationship then answer found.
Staying is the hard part after a decision has been made. Leaving is easy.

My 1.73 cents CAD

(in reply to Kasia)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Married to a vanilla lady - 10/9/2005 11:50:23 PM   
enchantedleather


Posts: 5
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline 		I appreciate your input. My wife and i have talked about an open marriage. However, while she made a tentive agreement to it she said she would have a hard time with it. She didn't come out and say no and she didn't come out and say yes. It's been like this for four years now and i feel trapped. We are in councelling and our counselor appears to be on my wifes side....yes the counselor is a woman who does a great job dominating me in our sessions....:-) but my truly is a wonderful woman and person but she just isn't wired for this scene. She is good at going throught the motions but that's as far as it goes.

(in reply to Jaken8ter)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Married to a vanilla lady - 10/10/2005 6:58:10 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: enchantedleather

(from the first post)

Hello:

i am a married submissive male who is married to a woman who after nine months of marriage told me that she doesn't like sex and she believes tha she is fridgid. i have known my wife for four years and have been married for about 1 and 1/2 and she has known from the start about my lifestyle and up until her anouncement, assured me that she was "into" the idea of having a submissive boyfriend/husband
<snip>

(from the second post)
i love my wife and i thought we had tremendous communication but to leave one very important thing out of the picture while your courting and then spring it on your husband 9 mos. into the marriage is absotely misleading. If she had told me prior to getting married we never would have gotten married.
<snip>


(from the last post)
It's been like this for four years now and i feel trapped.



Things are not adding up here. You wouldn't have married her if you had known, but by your own words you say it has been like this for four years now. This is beginning to sound like every other married male "sub" I have encountered over the years. Greener grass on the other side of the fence (& the milk cows in the current field are all dried up).



< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 10/10/2005 6:59:02 AM >

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MstrssPassion


(in reply to enchantedleather)
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RE: Married to a vanilla lady - 10/10/2005 7:45:18 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Ok, this is probably going to seem really far fetched...

I love sex, I really do. I know that... unfortunately I have difficulty convincing my body of it. Once it's happening I enjoy it... but to get it started... I'd really rather not. Luckily I have a husband that is extremely patient and helpful. We both researched different options, and believe me, if you go online and research sexual dysfunction, you'll find lots of stuff for males (how frustrating is that?)...and no, counseling isn't one of them but herbal therapy is. I started having hot flashes in my late 30's and early 40's. I know my hormones are completely screwed up, so is my matabolism. I've taken those pills that are supposed to help increase your libido... they did nothing until I quit taking them, then it sprang back to life for a little while.

I think the one thing that helps me is knowing that my husband won't even consider divorce as a option, I don't feel pressured to perform and he won't let me get depressed over it. Perhaps she simply has a really long fuse, needs more physical and mental stimulation? (on her terms) Maybe she was hoping that getting involved in an alternative sexual lifestyle would help her find her desire? And maybe at times you are over zealous? Have you considered trying a full body massage followed by simple cuddling? No demands, implied or otherwise, for sexual gratification afterwards.. in otherwords, keep the little guy under control if that means you have to take a long shower and masturbate before hand. You want her to be your Dominant... then let her. If sex is the primary issue in your eyes and you have made it a primary issue in her eyes as well... Let me ask one question, if someone told you that tonight you would have to get on stage... all alone and stand there in front of thousands of people and get a hardon, then get off while others were watching... could you? If that were your "primary" "job" for the evening... could you do it? Sex is so much more mental then physical. If she knows that showing even one small sign that she may be enjoying herself, that she may have a small twinge of sexual desire and that you are watching and waiting for that moment to pounce on it feels the same way... for her it would be a small step to regaining her desire, but to you it would be balls out for Texas. Try moving at her pace for a while. If you loved her enough to marry her then love her enough to help her take those small steps instead of running way ahead of her.

Personally, if it were me and my husband threatened me with divorce or made me feel like I had to perform to keep him... I don't know that I would, but if I did, I would be more miserable then there are words to describe.

Just my opinion.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to enchantedleather)
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RE: Married to a vanilla lady - 10/10/2005 3:00:54 PM   
amazonlea


Posts: 30
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

Ok, this is probably going to seem really far fetched...

I love sex, I really do. I know that... unfortunately I have difficulty convincing my body of it. Once it's happening I enjoy it... but to get it started... I'd really rather not. Luckily I have a husband that is extremely patient and helpful.
Jewel



Actually not so far fetched. I often feel the same way. Thank goddess for patient partners.
B

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 15
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