Do i give up on something that can be great?

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Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 11:01:41 AM

subkay2neil

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/29/2008
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i'm in a situation where i am just starting off with my Dom and things have taken a turn for the worse.... i trust him with everything, we've met and both fell for each other very quickly. he collared me and taught me things i never thought possible.
i think his feelings for me has scared him off and now he has asked me to consider what i want... as he has a family he cant provide me with the attention i need as sub.
i am willing to work with being sub with him but our feelings for one another are taking over and i am hurting as i've opened up so much to him and feel like its been for nothing.
he has said to me to think things over and we can talk on monday but im seeing things he is doing and i am getting very jealous and feel down... i know what i want but i think he just needs to sort himself out.

am i being selfish in wanting to carry on being his sub when he has a family and personal life to think about?

Post #: 1

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 11:08:31 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
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Not really. In My book when he collared you he took responsibility for you. Now that he sees it isn't easy he wanted to chgange the dynamic.

I think he made his bed and now he has to lie in it, I think you need to be honest with him and tell him exactly what you want and what he agreed to when he collared you and then be prepared for him to release you because he got cought up in something kinky and didn't think it thorugh.

You are not the one that needs to walk away, he is the oine that needs to live up to his responsibility and if he can't do that then he needs to release you and you need to find someone who is ABLE to give you what you need.

If you knew he was married and with a family did you not see this coming at some point? Or did things just go so fast you never thought anything through to completion?

Either way the reality of the situation is pretty obvious.

Steel

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(in reply to subkay2neil)

Post #: 2

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 11:10:45 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subkay2neil.
am i being selfish in wanting to carry on being his sub when he has a family and personal life to think about?

umm its more a case of what you want from him, its not about whether you are being selfish or not its whether what he can offer you is what you want/need. You cant ask him to change his commitments or anything they are just there, you have do decide what you need and if that fits in with him.

If you need more attention than he can offer you then you are not right for each other at this time. I know the feeling and I have tried to work on things when I have wanted a lot more than the other person wanted to/could give, that was my fault not theirs because I chose that route probably out of an illadvised attempt to convince them that actually I really am that wonderful. Things dont work that way you end up resenting them because they dont give you what you need and end up being really sad about all the effort that you have put in.

You do have to think about it, the ball isnt totally in his court, you have to decide what you want at least he is being open and honest about what he can give you.

Edited to add
I have a question, has something happened where you have asked for more of his time or anything? something that has bought this about? What was he offering you before? has that actually changed or was it that you were collared so quickly that no real boundries and expectations were set?

< Message edited by colouredin -- 3/27/2008 11:12:36 AM >

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(in reply to subkay2neil)

Post #: 3

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 11:15:33 AM

Poetryinpain

Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
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You say he has a family. Does that mean he is married, or that he has children from a former marriage? Did you know his situation when you accepted the collar?

There are so many variables that one can think of when considering this situation and your question. One is the speed with which the collar was bestowed - was it as quick as you seem to indicate in your post? What is the age difference between the two of you? You are young, and may be rather new to the whole collaring scenario; did you think things through before jumping in? (Sorry if that sounds like the question in the first paragraph.)

In order to give you some real guidance, I would need more information.

_____________________________

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

(in reply to subkay2neil)

Post #: 4

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 11:32:08 AM

Dnomyar

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The bottom line is run kay run.

(in reply to Poetryinpain)

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RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 11:32:48 AM

subkay2neil

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline

thank you all for your responses.
I knew he was with a partner but we agreed it was purely D/s.... he wanted that much and so did I. He is not married but has a child with his partner.

when he collared me we knew it was D/s but then talking more we realised we both wanted more, i have never asked him to give anything up i am happy in being sub, he was open about how fast things were going as was i. yes things went so fast he actually left home because he didn't want that life anymore but then went back and said the main reason he left was me and he had to give his home life another try.....

as we do not live close enough and he has home commitments he thinks i will not be gettin enough attention i need where i feel at the moment in time its all new for me and if i need more attention then we will discuss this & he may release me.
I did asked to be released but realise i didn't want to be as i feel i am the right person to be his sub

there is a small age difference but that wasn't the issue, maybe it was the collaring and yes maybe it went so fast.
he knows i am not asking a lot from him in time or commitment as i am newbie to this he wanted to teach and guide me through this and that is what i want regardless of our feelings.

he has said to me i have potential to be a great slut/slave/sub but i feel i'm not being given the chance to do so with him.
i have been thinking things through so much with my heart and head and it still comes down to the same answer.... i want to be his sub

(in reply to Poetryinpain)

Post #: 6

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 11:39:16 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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Does his partner know? I think that really he has made his decision, its not you, and really you will both get hurt. I think that sometimes things happen, emotions become stronger than you expect and all that, and its good of him to realise that because seriously it seems that he is going to have to distance himself, and I know you dont want to hear this but acually chances are that you will be able to find someone who is willing to give you all the time that you need and they want to.

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(in reply to subkay2neil)

Post #: 7

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 11:42:00 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
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You should have told him from the start that at least at first you would need much of his attention. In my profile before i met Master i sad i need a Master i can see minimum 2x a month ideally once a week. So anyone who bothered to read my profile knew i need a lot of attention. Is this something new you are feeling or has it been this way the whole time and has come to a "boil"? You have to decide can you deal with a man who can't give you the attention you crave? If the answer is no go find yourself and unattached Dom who will give you that attention.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to subkay2neil)

Post #: 8

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 11:51:02 AM

subkay2neil

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline

his partner knows nothing of this side of him.....
i wasnt looking into BDSM D/s we found me and we got talking and i said i was curious in this area.... he asked if i wanted to experience it and i said yes so he would guide me.... there was no limits on what he could offer me it was simply he guide me through this.
yes i knew he had family etc and i know i cant have his attention.
i was instantly attracted to him and said so..likewise with me, we got talking along these lines then decided to meet as us, i then was comfortable to give my submission to him and it went from there.
the love word was muttered first from him, yes it had crossed my mind but i didn't know if i said it would i be overstepping the mark as i am new to this.
he suggested i do some homework & gave me this site as to where we are both on.
i dont crave more attention from him as the way we was going was fine where as the last few days he has been distant to "concentrate on family life" which i completly understand and have said so... now i am missing him but the amount of "attention" i got in the first place was fine.

we have spoken about being just friends and i said i couldn't do that same as him so we've settled as D/s but he is still unsure if this is right

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 9

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 11:54:41 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
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Quit trying to force yourself on him and let it go.

(in reply to subkay2neil)

Post #: 10

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 11:57:08 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

we have spoken about being just friends and i said i couldn't do that same as him so we've settled as D/s but he is still unsure if this is right

Do you really want to spend your time with someone who is unsure and in another relationship where he is being dishonest?

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(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 11

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 12:12:59 PM

subkay2neil

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline

well he was very sure until he "left" home for me which i dont understand why he did.
i would like to be able to carry on my journey with him but i know we have to consider both our feelings and what is "right"

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 12

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 12:13:37 PM

pissdoll

Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subkay2neil

his partner knows nothing of this side of him.....

there is no way this could ever possibly be great.
he is in a relationship and lying to his partner.
and even if he leaves his partner for you....
how you get them is how you lose them (meaning if he cheated to meet you, he will cheat while he's with you)

(in reply to subkay2neil)

Post #: 13

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 12:15:55 PM

everhope

Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline

sounds like you both got in over your heads.
it always amazes me how lightly people offer and accept a collar before giving it serious thought.
it may be best in your situation to step back and let him figure out his life.

D/s is powerful stuff in the realm of human emotion and can make someone new to the intensity of it all make impulsive choices. god knows i have in the past.
you will survive this and most likely in one piece.

may we all find our bliss,
everhope

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 14

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 12:17:50 PM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pissdoll
there is no way this could ever possibly be great.
he is in a relationship and lying to his partner.

*Nods* i would agree with this, I dont think that it could ever be great, no matter what happens its going to result in hurt, end of, better to have the hurt now than a year down the line.

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Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to pissdoll)

Post #: 15

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 12:18:23 PM

subkay2neil

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline

very true he could indeed cheat on me so what does go around comes around

(in reply to everhope)

Post #: 16

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 12:25:37 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

Fast Reply

Were I getting involved with a man who had a difficult family situation, maybe a wife and kids, maybe a complicated divorce, a full life and a whole world already set up without me in it I would be asking myself some searching questions about him.
Has he actually sat down with himself and decided that owning a girl is what he wants?
Has he mapped out very clearly what role that girl is to have in his life considering all other factors?
Has he got the experience and understanding necessary to balance owning property with his other responsibilities?
Can this man give me something, and be something for me, that balances out against what he cannot give me, or cannot be for me?

If I could answer yes to those questions then I would say this to myself. He is the Dominant, He is the Owner, He has the responsibility to make sure this relationship works. I have to trust Him to know where we are going, and how best to get there, I have to trust Him to live up to His responsibilities as an Owner of property.

If you cannot trust Him to do those things, then walk slowly and calmly away. If you think perhaps in the future, in different circumstances, things could work out - then keep communication and contact open between the two of you. If you can trust him, then simple trust him and follow along with his wishes.

Easy to say, difficult to decide to do, but simple to complete once you are doing it. Trust me on that.

Good luck, my heart goes out to you.

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 17

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 1:07:28 PM

domiguy

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Joined: 5/2/2006
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Hmmmmm....(Domiguy looks over both shoulders to make sure that "The Guy Police" are not in the vacinity)

(In a hushed tone he begins to speak) Okay...I'm going to let you in on a little trade secret...

quote:

subkay2neil
i think his feelings for me has scared him off and now he has asked me to consider what i want

This is not true....You have misread the situation completely...We (men) kind of dig it when we are getting into a woman...Especially when it is some strange...Goddam, how we dig the strange pussy...We really, really dig this kind of shit. I could go on for quite some time but I imagine that you get the point that we really get a kick out of fucking someone other than our significant other...It Rocks!!! So he isn't afraid of his feelings...He is actually rather bummed that he doesn't find you to be "hot" enough. Trust me on this one honey, the dude ain't looking for love.

Now if he were more physically attracted to you he wouldn't be saying this kind of lame bullshit. He just really wants you to go away of your own accord...And it's kind of cool cuz you actually might think that he is a thoughtful man instead of the cocksucking prick that he actually is. If you proceed to try and stick it out and attempt to stay in contact with him you will soon realize how much his feelings for you were only located in the head of his cock and that he would find it extremely convenient if you were to die.

Go with God.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 3/27/2008 1:15:14 PM >

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Post #: 18

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 1:22:10 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

...am i being selfish in wanting to carry on being his sub when he has a family and personal life to think about?

most folks who cheat on partners do so for selfish, self-centered reasons...and so do the folks that cheat with them, so this slave would answer your question above with a very big YES.

if everything was out on the table and she agreed to be in this poly relationship you guys have going on, well, that's a-whole-nother story all together...and more power to it, for those that make it work.

(in reply to subkay2neil)

Post #: 19

RE: Do i give up on something that can be great? - 3/27/2008 1:41:16 PM

softness

Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Trust me on this one honey, the dude ain't looking for love.

If you proceed to try and stick it out and attempt to stay in contact with him you will soon realize how much his feelings for you were only located in the head of his cock and that he would find it extremely convenient if you were to die.

Go with God.

ok so DomiGenuius perfectly describes someone who you would answer "no" to all the questions in my reply ...clever Domi *passes Him a cookie*

we dont know this guy.. he might be a total bastard.. he might be a decent guy looking for happiness .. we dont know him .. we dont know you either really

decide which he is .. you're an adult.. you will manage that just fine

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 20

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