RE: Would you if you could? (Full Version)

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saradeanna469 -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/27/2008 11:57:32 PM)

I don't ever go out of my way to flaunt my kink (except the fetish collar hanging from my rearview mirror in my truck), but if appearing vanilla would get -in- my way, I would just have to appear kinky.  For example:  I have plans to go to a bdsm club in a town 100 miles away.  I would get dressed in whatever kinky outfit I'm going to the club in at home and if I need to stop on the way for gas or pickup something from wal-mart on the way back home, I'm not going to try and cover my kinky clothes up (assuming of course that my fetish wear properly covers my body).  So far, I haven't had any problems with that.  Sure, I've had lengthy stares from people and plenty of smiles.  Some even approached me in a friendly way to ask why I was dressed that way, but no one has been negative towards me.

When I make new friends, I usually try to work kink into the conversation. Not like, "Hi, I'm Sara and I like to be chained up" or anything", but maybe after a few times hanging out I will bring up something that leads to discussing kink but could just as easily be shrugged off as random chit-chat by someone who cares nothing for it.  Another thing I do is leave toys visible in my bedroom, nothing outrageous or too personal like insertables, but maybe a very long coiled up rope and a ball-gag.  For one, I am proud of who I am and the things I enjoy, for another reason, if someone sees it and wants to talk about it, then great, I'll have a new kinky friend.  If they don't say anything that's fine too.  If they say something negative, well... they're in my damn room and I can display whatever I want to in my personal space... they can get over it.  My myspace page is another way I proudly display my interests.  It's a great way to be open about things without fear of repercussions and occasionally I get messages from others that share my interests.

As for my family and friends, all of my friends know and are totally fine with it.  Actually, one of my friends is just as kinky as I am and I wouldn't have known that if he hadn't brought it up after hearing me tell someone else that I was kinky.  I tell my mom pretty much everything that I do.  This past New Year's eve I went to a poly-house for a play party and my mom saw the marks left on me the day after.  She asked what they were from so I told her.  She just laughed and rolled her eyes.  My dad and I don't discuss anything to do with my private/sexual life but he knows full well I'm into it.  Years ago when I was with my gf, my dad loaned us his bedroom suit including a queen-size, four-post bed.  When she and I were moving out he told me he wanted it back, but when he came to pick it up and saw it, he got a little upset.  He said, "I don't want this f---ing [bed], it's got chain marks all over it".  I'm sure I turned 9 shades of red, my gf sure did.





StormsSlave -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 12:25:20 AM)

Would if I could?

I don't see the point.  My adult daughter is aware there is kinkiness going on, a fact I revealed after much thought, mainly because she expressed some concern over bruises.  I have two UM's who don't need to know, but I will answer their questions if asked, candidly but discreetly.  They do not live here full time.

Others, well no one has asked, but based on some advice from some smart people, I think I would tell them. 

We would like to grow to a poly family someday, and that being the case, My Lord and I have discussed this aspect.  A lot would depend on where we live and everyone's thoughts at the time.  If asked, we agree we would answer honestly.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 1:03:38 AM)

First I have to say I loved LA's comments and observations.  Bravo for those.

I also agree with Noah about living a life, not a lifestyle, and of reflecting healthy boundaries. 

My close friends all know I am a slave to my Master.  They know I submit and defer to him, and they know we "do kinky things."  They do not know the details of what we do, nor do they need to, nor do they ask.  My cousin knows all, has met my Master, takes care of me after hard and intense visits with him, and knows pretty much everything we do.  As my "care-giver", it's in her best interest to know, and to know how I am affected, and she is fascinated by it and so far has not balked from anything I have shared with her.  As someone who has never experienced D/s or BDSM, she is refreshingly aware and open minded. 

A few family members know I am a slave to my Master, but like friends, do not need to know what that entails.  My mother really just doesn't like men anymore, and constantly tells me, "Whatever you do, don't ever let a man control you, ever."  She also operates under the theory of "Keep a man in your life, but not in your home" , which just cracks me up every time she says it.  So, while she knows of Mr. Wonderful, she does not know the dynamics we share.  It would disturb her too much and I have no desire to do that to her. Prior to my surgery last year, she saw bruises on me and raised her eyebrow.  I simply said "We're kind of kinky."  She asked if he abuses me, several times, in fact.  I spent as much energy as was necessary to ease her mind without telling her about what he does with me.  My sister is a religious conservative in an extreme way, and would freak out if she knew.  I have no desire to disturb her with news of that part of myself.  She knows my relationship with him is "different" but doesn't want to know, so she doesn't ask.

And then there are slave friends of mine who know I'm a slave, and those close to me know the kinds of things we do, and accept even accpet some of the unpleasant things without condemnation.

I'm pretty selective about what I share and with whom.  Then again, I'm selective about the people I allow close to me.



AtlantaMistress -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 1:30:37 AM)

I have been very open with my family. As a Pro Domme, I waited until I could provide the soul support as a single Mom for me and my 2 girls (10 & 12 now) - and basically be a stay at home Mom - home every day when my kids get off the school bus. There are only so many more years they will care that Mom is around. I don't get child support (that I should but will not fight with my ex - kids pay the price then). I waited to tell my kids until they asked direct questions I couldn't answer without being dishonest, and I preach the importance of honesty. I was prepared because I had reached out to kink friendly lawyers, doctors, and therapists when I made the decision to make this my career. I can answer questions truthfully without giving away too much information, and my kids do not understand so much the erotic nature of BDSM - there is no need for them to understand it yet. They do know that no one ever sees me without clothes - although I wear lots of corsets, stockings, and thigh high boots. They know that I am OFF LIMITS and no one will ever touch me, unless of course I want to have my feet massaged, or a massage no different than I would pay for at the spa. They know that Mommy doesn't take shit from anyone, and I truly believe the honesty and knowing what I do has strengthened our bonds, and increased their own confidence and self esteem. They understand that the world is filled with all kinds of people, and some are very close minded - so , if anyone asks what I do, they tell them "Mommy is like a life coach that trains men the proper way to respect women". That is true.

I live by example - not do as I say, not as I do - and I am VERY happy, and want them to be one day. I explain to them, and anyone I know - that the only person you can truly make happy is the one you look at in the mirror, and that is the only person whose opinion really matters, and the only person you can truly control. I have no control over anyone else unless it is given to me. My girls know that they come from a long line of stubborn bitches...and that it is better to make sure boys know that their lives would be easier to accept we are right!

As for my boy, that I intend to marry...my kids love him. In fact, my youngest has really pushed the relationship, and told me not to scare him away...and that I should let him make the decisions sometimes LOL. They know he submits to me. he jokes with them not to be bad since he will wind up being the one to pay for it!

When I told My Mom, I expected her to be judgemental and upset at my choice of profession. Instead - she told me how proud she was of me, seeing how happy I was, and how well I was doing with my kids (we have all been through hell and back - very long story). I then started telling her funny stories about my sessions, and always gave her some credit for the genes since I inherited my naturally Dominant personality. To make matters worse (or just more amusing) - I gave My Mom a sub for x-mas...just for the day...but within 2 weeks, she put a profile up on cm, and is going through Domme Frenzy - having a blast, and feeling really good about herself for the first time in a long time. I guess in my family we put the fun in dysfunctional!

My boy is not out to his family. I am a bit worried about this, since we intend to live together (and get married) after the school year. I have agreed to totally follow his lead on how he wants to handle it, and he wants to wait to tell his son when he is 18 (he is 17 now) simply because he doesn't want to deal with any BS from his ex-wife. At 18 - he could care less what she thinks - she can't cause him any trouble. I have met his sister, and soon to meet other members of his family (out of town) and will just use the life coach line I suppose...until he is ready (if ever) to let them in. I think once they get a chance to know me, and see how happy he is - they will accept him, and us. Whether they do or don't though...that girl I see everyday in the mirror has a smile, so it's all good!

Edited for final thought: It really is very freeing to be able to be so open, not have secrets. I think it is one of the reasons, when I communicate with boys I see - they can feel so easily that they can open up that "secret side" to me.



SailingBum -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 2:54:13 AM)

In my previous post I indicated I don't tell anyone as I'm a pretty private person. I would like to add the people important to me would accept it.

BadOne



mastervalentine -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 3:28:05 AM)

I neither go to great lengths to hide my lifestyle, nor do I go to great lengths to share it. The same as I am about most aspects of my life. If it comes up in conversation, then I have no reason to lie. Let people say and think what they will of me for being honest. In my mind far better that than for them to know me as a liar.

When it does come up (and it has) I speak candidly, bluntly. I answer the seemingly inevitable questions with a matter-of-fact approach. If they don't like or understand, I ask them that they treat it the same way they would of a friend who was a different religeon. To simply accept that there are some things that should not be made an issue, and to move on. I am, after all, the same man wether or not my personal life gets brought up.

I am blessed that I still have the freedom to be this way. I don't know that it would be the same if I had to consider the impact on a young life. Hopefully I'll work that out long before I am faced with parenthood and the joys and sacrifices thereof.

I am an adult, free to make my own decisions, and to live my own life, accepting my own consequences. When I am an adult with a child, I'll need to re-think most of my philosophies. (Honestly I've debated getting myself fixed.) So right now? Even that they may judge me harshly for it, I have no problem being who I am. But circumstances can and do change, if I had to live for someone else's sake, then I would certainly rethink this approach to living.



TysGalilah -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 3:32:36 AM)

 
 
The D/s dynamic>  yes
 
The bdsm/physical aspects> no,  it's none of their business, anymore or less than it is their business about sexual preferences in any of my relationships ( kinky or not) in general.
 

 



Twicehappy2x -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 3:41:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: katie978

My problem is with the very publicness of you folk's relationship. Calling master master in Walmart seems to be crossing a line, what with the unmentionables and hapless old ladies wandering around there. I doubt I'd flaunt an obviously unusual relationship in public like that. Going shopping with 3, no big deal. Screaming across the store- "MASTER! You could totally spank us with this!!"-not cool in mine eyes.


But i never said i'd been screaming anything like " You could totally spank me with this" across any place.  Only that i called him Master where ever we were.
 
If he was dragging me around on a leash in public and i made a comment like the one you suggested i can see where that would be objectionable.
 
But that is not what i said nor is it how we live. It is obvious i wait on them, and fuss and take care of things, other than calling him Master the general populace unless they were in the know probably would never guess.
 
I think the reason we are so well accepted on our street and in our admittedly small town is that we do not make a big deal of it, nor do we hide it. It simply is our life, we live like most folks only with a twist. I firmly believe that our doing so is why we are accepted. No let me rephrase that, we are more than accepted lifestyle and all; we are considered very good neighbors and friends as well.
 
Consider this list of neighbors, a single middle aged female Methodist minister, an older hardware store owner, a lead guitarist and his med tech wife, a divorced middle aged mom of  four who is a hair dresser and an older security guard.
 
The minister and i walk together occasionally in the evenings, when she was ill i helped with her trash cans and her cooking. She brings me special treats for my pet parrotlet.
 
The hardware store owner gives us a good discount and i give him advice on his plantings. We joke across the yards often with him and the security guard as well..
 
The guitarist has asked Scooter to play bass in his band, he calls me when he gets sick. I have been giving his teenage daughter cooking lessons. Jewel is helping his wife remodel her bedroom. We had both their birthday parties here at our house.
 
The hairdresser, she comes and gets Scooter if anything in her house breaks. i help her a lot with her garden, Jewel made her daughters prom dresses. She stops here for dinner every few weeks just to unwind.
 
The neighborhood Christmas party was held at our house as well as the yearly Fourth of July cook out.
 
Why do all these very different people not only accept us with our poly M/s lifestyle? Because they see us just living it as a normal thing. We are not in their face as was suggested by the earlier comment i quoted nor do we hide it. We simply live our life, it just is. If they ask questions we explain but i think we set the best example by just being ourselves.
 
 



Twicehappy2x -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 3:43:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah


I live an actual life, and I hope you do too. Some of my life is public, some of it is private. I hope that altogether it reflects healthy psychological boundaries.

Don't you wish everybody's did?


Good One! And yes i do.



Twicehappy2x -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 3:45:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

In a word NO.  As a rule I do not discuss my sex life with anyone. 


So for you the bdsm is simply about sex, cool. That i can see not discussing.
 
But i was not talking about sex. I was talking about a way of life, be it poly or a Ms or D/s one.



Twicehappy2x -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 3:51:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Nope, I wouldn't tell people because I don't see the point. I never understood why someone would want everyone to know how they live their lives.


If you got engaged would you tell your friends? If you got married would you expect folks to notice you were wearing a wedding band and were now "Mrs. Smith" ? Do you congratulate your friends on life events like these?
 
How is this different from entering into a poly marriage or being collared?
 
Because the government or the church says it is not right or legal?



Twicehappy2x -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 3:58:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz
I'd never casually flaunt what I do in front of people that probably don't want to hear it. What mom wants to hear, "Moommm? Why is that lady licking that man's boots in the fruit aisle???"

A parent who knows that their job is to raise a curious, open minded, informed judgement making person who ACTUALLY understand and can accept differences between people rather than just giving it lip service.


Thank you LA!!!!

I was raised in a poly household. I knew we we different but we were very happy. Some of my friends were jealous.
 
My ums were raised in a poly  M/s household. They were educated to be open minded and to look inside their selves and choose what was right for them.
 
All three are college graduates, one is in a traditional monogamous marriage, one is in an open marriage and the youngest is a very happy  bi switch. I am pleased to also comment all three are well adjusted and none of them are in therapy.



Twicehappy2x -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 4:02:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

G'day Twicehappy,

Wer'e open about our lifestyle choices both here and as Pagans.


Hello MasterIronBear, wonderful to see you here again.
 
Funny thing is i am a pagan, actually druid, and our minister neighbor knows it. Her comment "you are good to me, you are good to everybody. You feed and doctor the stray animals and the birds. How can i object to any religion that promotes such kindness?"



HalloweenWhite -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 4:04:22 AM)

No. Simlpy because I don't want/like -everyone- knowing what I'm doing; why do they need to know? what difference does it make to their lives as long as I can fulfil any and every obligation I've made (or said I'll make ) to them and don't end up letting them down when they need Me.



Twicehappy2x -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 4:05:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AtlantaMistress

I live by example - not do as I say, not as I do - and I am VERY happy, and want them (the ums) to be one day. I explain to them, and anyone I know - that the only person you can truly make happy is the one you look at in the mirror, and that is the only person whose opinion really matters, and the only person you can truly control.


I loved your entire post!!!! But i clipped this part for comment because it truly deserves repeating. Thank you for every word.



adoracat -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 4:37:26 AM)

~~fast reply~~

well...the grown kid knows pretty much everything other than personal details.  the younger one knows that mama and dad are poly, and that we see others.  they've both met TheEngineer and know that mama and dad are getting divorced while we still like one another, and can be good to one another.

my mama doesnt know about the BDSM part, but there were recent comings-out and she knows wolf and i have been "openly non-monogamous" for years now.      she said she sort of knew all along, but understood why i didnt tell her before.  but she's still mad i was within 30 miles of her and didnt come visit. 

most of my friends know i'm poly and submissive.  pagan, too.  [:)]

kitten, mostly happy



bipolarber -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 5:26:01 AM)

Unless you've been careful to the point of paranoia, chances are all the evidence of your lifestyle (whatever it may be) is in full evidence on the internet. Try Googleing your own name, follow any connections to nicknames or screen personas you may find.

The point is, it's quickly becoming impossible to remain fully closeted. Being "out and proud" may be the only option left for us all.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 5:35:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz
We live in the "bible belt" :( This town doesn't allow anything remotely adult, so maybe I'd run into more problems based o location


Same here. You can be open to some people, but you have to really know your friends and understand who will accepting and who will tell yuo to your face what you do is your business, and then go pray for your depraved soul.
Our location and his involvement in the church is why Angel is completely private about his connection with me. Everyone who knows us, from parents to best friends, know I am a close friend who spends a lot of time there and who he jokingly refers to as Mommy.

Fox shows off his collar, though not its significance. I show off my triskele ring, but allow people to assume what it means. It was the ring Fox gave me as my birthday present and a mark of being lifestyle. Everyone seems to assume its my engagement ring. That works, I guess.  So,essentially, unless I wanted to actually explain to everyone exactly what I am into, people around here assume a story that fits their way of life, clean it up and make it what they want it to be regardless of whats actually presented.


DV



RCdc -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 5:41:29 AM)

Why does anyone owe anyone else an explaination on anything?  I can tell anyone I want what I want.  I don't see why it is anyones business, but I do not hide the fact either.  I do not live a lifestyle, I am simply me and live life just like everyone else.  If someone asks a question, I answer.  Anything else is froth and topping.  If I was a goth, I wouldn't feel the need to explain myself.  If I was gay, I wouldn't either.
For me, it's not about being public, it's about being yourself.
 
the.dark.
 



tsatske -> RE: Would you if you could? (3/28/2008 5:41:44 AM)

everyone who is important in my life knows. I have answered this question on other threads, and as i've said then, i am, to family, what i call 'gently out'. They know. They have been told. But, not details. the fundamentalist side of my family, i simply said that my relationships were much like theirs - he is in charge. my sisters' best friend came to help her help me move my kitchen when we moved recently - Master wanted my sister to move the kitchen with me because she is a pampered chef dealer, and he wanted her to tell us what to buy from her, so she was not exactly objecting to the concept - and my sister's best friend, who grew up in California, asked me point blank if my collar were, in fact, a collar. I just said yes. Plus, I think they might have wondered back into hell on their own, and while no impact toys were laying out, the stocks were...
Even my children know, but, with my children, it was different, because i waited till some sign from then that they might want to know. we don't talk about my sex life, but we do talk about cases that make the news, individual rights, contracts, ect.
i have told various men when i am seeing them - the simple fact is, if you meet my family, they are going to know, from the first time they meet you, that you hit me. they know that if you are with me, you are hitting me.
i also ask, not only 'others', but other family members, before starting to see a new doc that happens to be their doc, if they are comfortable with us having the same doctor. because i am WAY out to doctors. i tell them my preferences and choices up front, and from then on, i tell them anything they need to know, anything i need to ask a question about - anything. in that past i have used as an example of the kinds of things i 'would not' tell a doc - well, i'm not going to tell a doctor who treats me for diabetes that i practice bastinado. in November i wound up in the hospital with a foot infection, and i told a diabetic specialist that i have never met that i practice bastinado, and defined it for him, so i could ask, 'did that cause this'? a pertinent question, in my mind, since i had already had to ask 'am i going to lose my foot?'
i don't shove my choices in others faces, if i can avoid it. my clothes are pretty vanilla, most of the time. but my collar is pretty collar like, and my slave bells never come off. I chose vanilla names for most things in my life - our 'dinner club'. our 'young marrieds group.' 'gypsy bells'. if you ask a question, you get a one time warning that you are about to get that kind of answer - 'do you really want me to answer that?' then you get an answer. pure and simple. i don't need constant affirmation of what i do, but i do need to be out enough to never worry about being outed if the dungeon gets raided while i'm there, to never have to think twice about marching in a pride parade if i want to, that kind of thing.



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