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Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/28/2008 5:16:28 PM   
OpeningMySoul


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline 		I love being pushed out of my comfort zone. It forces me to be honest with my reactions/emotions, it allows me to become vulnerable and exposed, and it makes it easier for the control to be taken out of my hands. Add to it is something I need, for personal growth.

Yet, I am facing an issue that keeps coming up time and time again. That when I am pushed out of my comfort zone, I go into protective mode, the fears come rolling in 10 fold… and I start destroying the one thing, that I want and need the most, the connection.  The closer he (general he) gets, the more I push him away, and I become every man’s worst nightmare: that really clingy, quite emotional, needy, whinny, bitchy female.

This is mainly an unconscious reaction on my part, in that I find the buttons to make him disconnect and to run away, so that I can get back to the devil I know, my comfort zone.  In doing so, I end up destroying the one thing that I want the most… the connection to him.  And it was not until this week that I realized that being taken out of my comfort zone was the root cause of my reaction. I had always chalked it up to my lack of understand of men/messing up, and not my inability to let someone in.  
 
I have also come to realize that I am being destructive towards myself in my actions, and this is something I am currently trying to correct. Yet, I feel as if I am in between a rock and a hard place, because I am usually in my comfort zone, so it is difficult to work on something that is not occurring. Add to it, common sense and clear judgment starts to go out the window when my fears/protective/destructive nature kicks in, especially when I am reacting to him. (I often feel like I am watching myself dig a hole deeper and deeper, and I can't put down the shovel)
 
Do I know my fears/protective/destructive nature is something that is old, that it comes from a lot of pain from my past, you bet.  But I am also ready to face that, and I am currently working with someone (not a dominant) to make positives changes in my life. Yet there is only so far that I can work on things, because talking and doing are two different things.
 
...

So what does this all boil down to, and why am I posting this thread? I would like a dominants perspective on a few questions.
 
What healthy ways would you help a submissive break this type of cycle knowing that it was something that she wanted to change?     Knowing that you are throwing a submissive completely out of their normal comfort zone, is there a way that you can help them achieve a different type of comfort, so she can let go of the b/s?     What ways do you provide a mentally/emotionally safe place to help a submissive let their guard down?

Also Knowing that this is an issue, and might be for a bit (I can change, but I can't change over night), how as a submissive can I ask for help from a dominant without scaring him off? And having him run for the hills?
 
Any help with the questions above, or any suggestions you might have that would be helpful would be appreciated

...

I do have a favor to ask though,  please try not to be judgmental… I am asking for help, because I am looking to find ways to change. hugs.
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/28/2008 7:17:24 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Sub not dom, but I've been there. Tell him what's going on. He'll be a lot better if he knows that it is fear and panic causing you to act like this.

The Man switches to something else when I hit a wall. He doesn't keep hammering at it. He just finds something else to work on that doesn't cause panic. We talk about the problem a couple of times, and then he drops it for about six months. Usually somewhere in that six month period I get a Eureka moment and figure out part of the panic. Then he usually leaves out the one thing that causes the panic while we do the rest of it. We did this routine for about 3 years until we figured out that I only freaked out when tied to a pole if my head was tied, if my head was loose I didn't. But usually if he slows down and gives me time to think it over, I come to grips with it. Because the more I'm forced, the more I need to protect myself.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to OpeningMySoul)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/28/2008 7:40:53 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		My first thing would be to have them read Sacred Contracts by Myss, focusing mostly on how the four survival archetypes function. Then, I'd have them do an intensive study of themselves to try and CLEARLY see how they function in their own lives and how to move out of their shadow aspects.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to OpeningMySoul)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/28/2008 8:05:20 PM   
OpeningMySoul


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline 		thank you for the insight... and your comments/suggestions  

btw...   Currently there is not a dominant in the picture (sorry if I implied that), but hopefully if I work on the issue above that will change. But for now I am sitting back and trying to just figure out how to break the cycle that I am in.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/29/2008 4:40:24 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I don't think that you can do it alone, or should. It's as much of an instinct to protect yourself as any other, and as such, valuable. Inside a safe relationship, that kind of instinctive reaction will naturally subside because it simply isn't being provoked. Outside of such a relationship, it serves to keep you safe.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to OpeningMySoul)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/30/2008 3:10:59 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OpeningMySoul

thank you for the insight... and your comments/suggestions  

btw...   Currently there is not a dominant in the picture (sorry if I implied that), but hopefully if I work on the issue above that will change. But for now I am sitting back and trying to just figure out how to break the cycle that I am in.


You're willing to look. THAT, in and of itself, is invaluable and a HUGE step beyond most people.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to OpeningMySoul)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/30/2008 3:42:57 AM   
pyrobabe


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline 		Trust is the most important part of any relationship. If you have had bad past experiences, I would tell that to your next Master/Mistress as soon as you feel comfortable with it. Tell them whatever your experiences were so he/she knows what will send you into your spiral of fears. The sooner they know about your fears and your past, the sooner they may be able to make you feel more comfortable with whatever it is that freaks you out. The point of having a Master/Mistress is to have someone that can guide you through your problem areas, and help you achieve more than you ever thought was possible for you to achieve.

I agree with MasterFireMaam with the fact that you are at least willing to look into your problems and you are willing to change, that in and of itself is awesome. Most people spend their entire lives blaming others for their problems and never take a step back and look into themselves or take responsibility for their actions for that I give you pat on the back.


< Message edited by pyrobabe -- 3/30/2008 3:46:00 AM >

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/30/2008 4:04:10 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		i used to be really guilty of sabotaging my relationships and frankly it would all start with the internal dialogue that begins with "what if....."   One day i was talking to my adult offspring and began the "what if it doesn't work out?" and she said "oh yeah?  Well, what if it does work out?"  For some reason that was a turning point for me.  i saw in an instant that my thought process had been to dwell on all the bad things that could happen instead of all the good things that could happen.  i saw that life as a journey means to keep moving and death comes when you stand in one spot.  i saw that while i learn from my past there is no reason to continue to live there.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to OpeningMySoul)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/30/2008 4:15:15 AM   
pyrobabe


Posts: 53
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline 		Its always awesome when we have that epiphany "oh, so that is what I was doing wrong." Congrats for finding your problem and having the courage to change.

Change is sometimes the most frightening thing for some people.

Mistress Carol

(in reply to eyesopened)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/30/2008 6:41:14 AM   
lally3


Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		What ways do you provide a mentally/emotionally safe place to help a submissive let their guard down?

hi,

well, im being pushed out of my comfort zone at the moment.  i could not have done this without being pushed into it.  and now im embracing the process, though im still fearful of the outcome.  but i recognise thats just me thinking im going to fail.  right now its about me doing this for Him, but also for myself too - gives me focus and a purpose because there is an end purpose - pleasing Him.

all i can say is that when you meet someone right they will get you there, but you will have to be totally upfront and honest about this problem, so that they are prepared and can formulate methods and plans.

but you know, recognising your problem is really half way there already.  if you want to work on this yourself, then put yourself out of the comfort zones that affect you and find out yourself that nothing bad is going to happen, there are no dragons lurking in the pavement cracks, no monsters hiding behind the daisies.  you can do it, look at it as a 'work in progress', for Him, whoever and wherever He is right now.

(in reply to pyrobabe)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/30/2008 7:21:29 AM   
SirRober


Posts: 364
Joined: 1/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OpeningMySoul

What healthy ways would you help a submissive break this type of cycle knowing that it was something that she wanted to change?    1. Knowing that you are throwing a submissive completely out of their normal comfort zone, is there a way that you can help them achieve a different type of comfort, so she can let go of the b/s?    3. What ways do you provide a mentally/emotionally safe place to help a submissive let their guard down?

Also Knowing that this is an issue, and might be for a bit (I can change, but I can't change over night), 2. how as a submissive can I ask for help from a dominant without scaring him off? And having him run for the hills?



1. Express what you are feeling .
2. Work with your Dom to push you out of your comfort zone for a short time. Then return back to what you are comfortable with.

3. Having your Dom let you decide when YOU want to STOP when your comfort zone is being pushed.

< Message edited by SirRober -- 3/30/2008 7:23:26 AM >

(in reply to OpeningMySoul)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/30/2008 6:18:43 PM   
fx24


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/19/2004
Status: offline 		My first post ever.  I underestand losing your comfort. As my submission becomes deeper and deeper, my ego is weaking to the point that I find myself dependant on my Owners view of me to source my own self confidence.  I know this is a problem.   I am struggling and worried about losing my own ego as a result of my submissiveness.  I talked with my Owner that my surrender should be kept compartmentalized to just during our D/s sessions, but she and I are not sure you can prevent the weakness that comes from submission from spilling into the rest of your day, week, and self.   I'm struggling at current depths and again, understand losing your comfort zone.

(in reply to SirRober)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/30/2008 6:37:03 PM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		OP, first, congrats to you for recognizing that you have an issue and for being willing to work on it. 

I am not a Dom, but am currently working with my Master on stretching my comfort zone and I'm hitting a wall or two with it.  It's taking me some time to understand what's going on and I'm doing a lot of self analysis and soul-searching.  We're just in the midst of the process, so I can't offer any words of wisdom, but I can offer you my support with your issue and let you know you're not alone.

As for when do you let a prospective Dom know about your issues.  I think when you find someone you click with, you'll know when you can share something that deep.  You do need to share it, so if someone backs off because of these issues, you'll know he wasn't the one for you. 

(in reply to OpeningMySoul)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/30/2008 9:50:29 PM   
Silkendream


Posts: 65
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline 		hi opening - i have what sounds like the same kind of situation and what i found works for me is the whole Alice Miller/Arthur Janov Primal Theory (any books by either of them really, though The Primal Scream is a good starting point).  Once you get a good recovery programme going for yourself, then any Dom you meet can just slot into that and take it over.  Good luck.

(in reply to OpeningMySoul)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 3/31/2008 8:51:10 AM   
abbeysomething


Posts: 14
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		OP: First please allow me to thank you for this post, as i was reading it, most of the things hit home for me. AS of late, i too have been taking a long hard look behind motivations for behaviors, it's not always pretty, but at least it's the truth.
It is certinaly not an easy thing to finally "wake up" and realize that i have lacked the skills to maintain a healthy relationship throughout my life, BUT now at least (like yourself) am fully aware of the work needed inside in order to acheive the one thing in my life i have wanted, but always managed to destroy by shutting down and going into protective mode...
Everything takes time, i'm sure you did not get that way overnight, so it will take some time to "reprogram your thought process. Babysteps.... You are not alone!
May Joy and Peace surround you!

(in reply to OpeningMySoul)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 4/1/2008 4:26:43 AM   
OpeningMySoul


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline 		smile...I just want to thank you for all your notes, and helpful comments. (I just woke up and I planned to make this longer, but I am not quite awake enough to do so... but it was important to me to say thank you in one form or another)

hugs

(in reply to abbeysomething)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 4/1/2008 6:52:41 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		At OP
Did I understand you like beeing pushed out of the comfort zone (shifting your abilities/limits) but it makes you panic? 
So it is not the person you are abgry at..pushing you..but at yourself getting bitchy?

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 4/1/2008 7:21:59 AM   
Vanatru


Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline 		Tons and tons of patience. They have to build a level of trust with you through their ACTIONS so that you can see they are consistant and dependable. Also, you realize that they may not be able to provide everything you need in recovering from your past, you may also need therapeutic/spiritual guidance as well. Humor, the ability to communicate clearly, and a sense of objectivity are also important.

They will need you to be completely honest with them in what you're dealing with. You will need to be able to see when what's going on is really about you and not something the dominant is doing. Self-awareness and self-improvement are key, congradulations on already taking that step. Echoing Fire, that's a HUGE step in the right direction.

(in reply to Justme696)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 4/2/2008 5:33:51 PM   
MissDix


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/28/2008
Status: offline 		You just put into words what I have been doing and I want to thank you for this! Unfortunatly, I cannot guide you since I am a sub. and this lifestyle is new to me. I simply wanted to thank you for your candeur. It helped me understand me. MissDix

(in reply to OpeningMySoul)
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RE: Being pushed out of my comfort zone. - 4/2/2008 7:02:56 PM   
OpeningMySoul


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline 		Exactly, I know I need to be pushed out of my comfort zone, and I love the results that it produces. Yet, because I no longer feel as if I am on stable ground emotionally and mentally, I start to panic...  So I go back to the devil I know, my old habits of being... the whinny, bitchy, emotional, needy female. And also to answer your question..no,  I am not angry at him, I am angry at myself for my inability to change.  

Also, I have realized two things by writing this entry and reading the responses:

One, I believe I need a control and/or constant placed in my life by him (again general him) that is predictable and that I can relay on. It might provide more of a sense of ease/calmness, that could help when I am pushed out of my comfort zone. Also, the the one time, that I did not loose my cool.. it was could have been that the dominant that I was with, put in a predictable contact during the week when I was not in physical contact with him.  (but...that is a guess on my end)

The second thing I have noticed, is sometimes when I act out and can't put the breaks on, it is my guts way of trying to get me out of a situation that is no longer healthy for me. Which is frustrating because I can't tell at this point, when something is a good relationship, and I am being pushed out of my comfort zone and panicking , or if there is something that I am not recognizing as unhealthy.  And while I am grateful that my gut has such a reaction, because it keeps me safe... it frustrates me to no end.

(in reply to Justme696)
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