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RE: Your early influences? - 3/28/2008 11:58:57 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
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Gee,my early influences were seeing girls tied up by villians in disney movies.

I have no idea of how I went so terribly wrong from such a mild start.

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Post #: 21

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 12:02:42 AM

pain4gain

Posts: 20
Joined: 3/21/2008
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NakedOnMyChains your earlier experiences are interesting and as for being capable of submitting to another for me it smacks too much of not being in control of myself, saw too much of that as a kid and while my head understands the difference it still feels the same.

My early experiences made me introverted for a couple of decades. Because of this I spent a lot of time trying to be the perfect, caring, considerate date/ bed partner/ lover etc. This is the pride/arrogance and need to control I speak of, I'm proud that whatever I feel about a situation I remain in control of me.

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A roman soldier calls up to the centurion on the gates "Sir I've captured a Gaul!" Centurion calls "Bring him inside for interrogation." After a minute or so of silence the roman soldier replies brokenly "Sir He won't let me!"

I am the Gaul. .

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Post #: 22

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 12:20:36 AM

pain4gain

Posts: 20
Joined: 3/21/2008
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Maam nobody bothered to ask me a question, they just assumed and went on the attack without bothering to find out if their assumptions were in fact correct. I am a completely open person so I will tell you my sex life is satisfactory if not as athletic as it was a decade or so ago. It doesn't matter what assumptions people make about me, that is their business but when they make a public attack based upon it only an utter milk sop would not react to it with gusto.

I asked a simple enough question, some people have been good enough to make balanced replies and others are intent on branding me with their assumptions on my family, my motivation, my truthfullness. I repeat most didn't bothere to check their assumptions with facts.

I have already apologised if some people got the impression that I equated BDSM in any way with such despicable domestic violence, which is too mild a term for it.

I repeat I am a completely open person and will reply to any reasonable questions with frankness or if they touch upon my loved ones or other innocent people I will refuse and explain exactly why. Howerver. . . I will not sit meekly by and accept unfounded and unwarranted accusations. If you get the feeling I'm an @rsehole on a certain subject how about asking me what I mean instead of assuming you know my meaning?

_____________________________

A roman soldier calls up to the centurion on the gates "Sir I've captured a Gaul!" Centurion calls "Bring him inside for interrogation." After a minute or so of silence the roman soldier replies brokenly "Sir He won't let me!"

I am the Gaul. .

(in reply to atursvcMaam)

Post #: 23

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 1:01:38 AM

atursvcMaam

Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
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    i admire your openness, but i am a bit close minded myself. i went back and looked for a "hello" or any further level of intro, and it seemed to be missing.
   one of the things that i have learned in this lifestyle (and in the vanilla world) is that sometimes lube helps, and sometimes it is required. a simple greeting works as the verbal equivalent of lube. Please view this as an attempt to accomodate your profile request if not necessarily a response to your post.
     in terms of asking questions, based on your proclaimed openness, and wording, and i willl frame this in the form of a question: did you say anything you did not mean to say, or leave out anythng that you feel you should have said?   does your wording give any room to question? is any interpretation other than your own viewed by you as an accusation?

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Post #: 24

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 1:19:47 AM

Indemnis

Posts: 179
Joined: 4/15/2005
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I just kinda started tying up my Barbies. XD
I would dress them in the skimpiest clothes I could find for them, get string/yarn/thread, and go to town and think "Wouldn't I be pretty like this!?" I also loved to hang from my bedposts or wrap myself up in my sheets and tie my hands with my clothes.
And of course, I discovered the Interweb at about 14, and started looking around.. seeing that I wasn't the only girl who liked that sort of thing, what it was called, things that were involved. I lurked in chatrooms and kept to myself for awhile, dodging perverts and creeps (As only the Internet can have!) before talking with many other subbies. I made friends and lurked some more, and got an idea of what looked interesting to me.
And so here I am!
Just as a note, I never did experiance any sexual abuse.. I just kinda grew up kinky. I was always a weird kid. XD

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Post #: 25

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 1:26:30 AM

pain4gain

Posts: 20
Joined: 3/21/2008
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Maam I stand condemned by myself of clumsy wording and an incomplete post. I did indeed leave out much which would have made my position clearer in hindsight, however I am used to political forums where brevity is expected. I welcome DEBATE and QUESTIONS but am guilty of assuming further questions before being attacked. ALL opinions are valued so long as they are REASEARCHED and CONSIDERED. It would be a poor world indeed if differneces of opinion and even disagreement didn't exist.

I did post in the introduce yourself thread but you are correct in chiding me for not introducing myself here, before launching into my question. Good manners and respect should always be first consideration here and you have my unreserved apology for my bad manners as do all the bloggers.
To reiterate then, I do come from a severely disfunctional family whose attitudes and actions I rejected at an early age. I left home at 16 to get some sanity into my life and have lived an uneventfull and innofensive life since. I have no idea what motivates some people to accept an abusive family situation, but such was the case with both my mother and older sister. My brother was indeed as I described him, so perhaps you can understand my total rejection of such attitudes and behaviour. Finally instead of my half-arsed wording perhaps I should have said been more forthright in condemnation of non-consensual violence, oppression and abuse.

If anybody has questions feel free to ask and I will answer as completely and honestly as I can unless doing so will jeapordise a third party when I will tell you straight out why I won't answer.

_____________________________

A roman soldier calls up to the centurion on the gates "Sir I've captured a Gaul!" Centurion calls "Bring him inside for interrogation." After a minute or so of silence the roman soldier replies brokenly "Sir He won't let me!"

I am the Gaul. .

(in reply to atursvcMaam)

Post #: 26

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 4:42:09 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
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From: Quietville
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You mother was abused and liked it.
You sister is abused and likes it.
Your brother is abusive and his wife likes it.

Something is very very wrong with this picture.

(in reply to pain4gain)

Post #: 27

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 11:25:24 AM

giveeverything

Posts: 348
Joined: 9/4/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

It is a very common behavior pattern of victims of domestic violence to provoke or escalate attacks.

I'll second this. I worked in a battered women's shelter for five years. It's one of the most common elements in the cycle of domestic violence -- the victim, when they feel tension rising (as it's escalating to an attack of some kind) will do something to break the tension. This includes doing things that will lead to the violent/abusive part of the cycle. I don't know you mom, but many people have misinterpreted this as them "asking for it" or "causing it." It is well documented.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 28

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 11:35:45 AM

giveeverything

Posts: 348
Joined: 9/4/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

You mother was abused and liked it.
You sister is abused and likes it.
Your brother is abusive and his wife likes it.

Something is very very wrong with this picture.

Completely agree. I must say also, that it's not uncommon for kids coming out of domestic violence to identify with the abuser. And I must say that the comment about her "funny" walk the next day was most alarming. Was that an insinuation that he had solomized her?

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 29

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 11:49:46 AM

lally3

Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
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... i just remember constantly wanting to be helpful, sickening i know, but if i could win my mothers approval from some form of housework i would.

trouble was she never noticed and so i was constantly on this treadmill of trying to please and forever failing. i hate to fail people now and i love it when i do something for someone and i know its noticed and appreciated.

and i have a vague memory of making my teddy bear spank barbie.....

(in reply to giveeverything)

Post #: 30

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 2:47:04 PM

pain4gain

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Joined: 3/21/2008
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Holly yes there's something wrong with the picture - some people enjoy abusing their families this isn't a kink, its a sickness. Some people do stick with abusive relationships for whatever reason and it is a great sadness for everyone involved. I didn't say either my mother or sister liked it, you did. I merely stated the facts both my mother and sister did stay with their abusive partners you can draw what inferences you want but infering that 'something is very wrong with this picture' is uncalled for, it isn't a 'picture' its real life and just because you can't accept it doesn't change the facts.

giveeverything how dare you accuse me of identifying with that piece of trash!!! Yes I know that this does happen and that it's a sad part of domestic violence. Read my posts PROPERLY - I moved out as soon as I could and have posted repeatedly already my total rejection of what went on my family home. You say you worked in a shelter and know the cycle - well how about this for a cycle? I've spent the rest of my life trying to be the best friend/lover/partner possible because of my feelings about the brutality I lived with! I have done everything within my power to repudiate my stepfathers treatment of the family by LIVING a better life, caring for and nurturing those I love and helping those I could as a matter of course. I understand that you feel deep compassion for those victims who you help pick up the pieces of their lives for and I can't express my admiration enough for the work you do BUT THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO ACCUSE ME OF BEING A TWISTED PIECE OF SHIT LIKE MY STEPFATHER JUST BECAUSE I COME FROM AN ABUSIVE HOME. And I didn't imply anything about my mother 'asking' for it, I simply observed that violence begets violence. I mentioned nothing about sodomizing her, that was your own prejudices taling I'm afraid. Seeing as you work at a shelter that deals with family violence you will know that part of the 'cycle' as you describe it is an equaly intense 'making up' event after the violence. If I was as prejudiced and arrogant as your post makes you look to me I might make some very nasty accusations about the assumptions you have made about both me and my family. As it happens I am not so I will simply note that your experiences seem to have prejudiced you against any male involved in family violence - PLEASE NOTE! I said SEEMED to. . I for one don't make baseless presumtive accusations based on my prejudices.

_____________________________

A roman soldier calls up to the centurion on the gates "Sir I've captured a Gaul!" Centurion calls "Bring him inside for interrogation." After a minute or so of silence the roman soldier replies brokenly "Sir He won't let me!"

I am the Gaul. .

(in reply to lally3)

Post #: 31

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 2:55:20 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
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Ok so of the two options; you know the truth but are hoping to fool us or you are fooling yourself, it appears that the latter is true. Like it or not I was not off in my response. You have twisted what you experienced so that you can make it more palatable. Victims of abuse fall into a brainwashed pattern of knowing only one way to get what they need. It has less to do with the actual physical abuse and a lot more to do with the twisting of the mind. Perhaps walking that "wink wink" way allowed her to live in her hell for a few more weeks because after he beat her came the apologies, love and tears.

Perhaps you didn't mean to say that brainwashing and abuse is part of D/s, but that's exactly what you did by implying that your mother provoked him so she could get some good rough sex. You've also stated how much your sister and sister in law love their abusive hubbies and "at an early age I learnt the symbiotic relationship between pleasure and pain". So you tell me who misunderstood?

Only you know yourself, but I only know you from your words. If I have to make a choice based on the above I would stay far, far away.

(in reply to pain4gain)

Post #: 32

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 3:06:37 PM

sublibrarian

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Joined: 12/23/2007
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I'm in agreement with TNstepsout. I have to question someone who claims to be in control yet throws an emotional tantrum at the first sign of disagreement with his statements. That doesn't sound in control to me. I wouldn't want to play with a Dom who has so little control over his emotions or who can't take the slightest bit of criticism.

And from your first post you certainly do sound like you're saying the victims of abuse in your family "asked for it." Only later do you backtrack and try to say otherwise. You've made a very poor first impression here.

This topic could have been a very interesting thread......

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 33

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 3:29:27 PM

pain4gain

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Joined: 3/21/2008
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Tnstepout I said no such thing, my mother was a courageous person who would not put up being bullied for all that she stood only 5 foot 2 inches she had the heart of a lioness and at the first oppurtunity would herself go on the attack (figuratively speaking) - of course that provoked my piece of shit stepfather. Don't come the pop phycologist heavy with me, they had a very active and physical sex life and if you want to try and link that with abuse that's your problem. The duality of pleasure/pain has nothing to do with the BDSM community or any other specific segment of the larger community it is a fact of the human condition, ask anyone who has had to deal with the aftermath.

My mother stayed with my stepfather until the day she died despite numerous pleas to leave him, my sister is still with her husband and simply refuses to leave him and tells the family she loves him despite his behaviour. I never at any stage said this was because of the abusive treatment but nearly everyone here seems intent on accusing me of just that.

There is a third response you know - you over reacted to what you ASSUMED my post meant and judged me guilty without as single question to veryify your assumptions. This thread is now on the second page and not one single person has asked my reactions to what happened - its all been about you - " I think you're. . ." and "You are a. . . .". There has hardly been a single RESPONSE, just accusations and assumtions with the exception of a few who didn't pre judge based on their own prejudices.

You obviously have no idea how vile it is to be accused of such twisted behaviour and motives when you have spent your adult life trying to repudiate your childhood by your actions. I've tried to LIVE a balanced and productive life. . . I certainly don't indulge my own prejudices and accuse others of perpetuating the horrors of their own childhood.

_____________________________

A roman soldier calls up to the centurion on the gates "Sir I've captured a Gaul!" Centurion calls "Bring him inside for interrogation." After a minute or so of silence the roman soldier replies brokenly "Sir He won't let me!"

I am the Gaul. .

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 34

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 3:41:45 PM

HerLord

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This OP pisses me off. I have nothing to contribute here... Such a shame though... what coulda been... It's a great topic completely derailed within the original OP.

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Post #: 35

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 3:47:03 PM

pain4gain

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Joined: 3/21/2008
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Sublitarian I didn't backtrack in any sense, I posted a brief description of events of my childhood - did anyone here ask "how did you feel about that?" or "how do you treat your friends and loved ones?" Not a bit of it, most simply assumed that I was 'affected' by my experiences and was intent on perpetuating them and went on the attack without giving any consideration to finding out if their assumptions had any basis in reality - which I can tell you is disgusting to anyone who has lived through the horror of an abusive childhood. So yes I did enlarge on my descriptions because so many here assumed the worst.

As for an emotional response to criticism - it is not merely criticism to accuse someone who has lived through that hell of wanting to perpetuate it - that is a deeply personal attack so you bet I reacted emotionally - there is no more vile an accusation for a survivor of an abusive childhood to be accused of wanting to perpetuate it on others.

As for making a bad first impression, I can see that many here are deeply anti-family violence as any thinking adult should be, but your REACTIONS and ASSUMPTIONS display a knee-jerk reaction to the whole situation of family violence and an unthinking resolve to attack anyone you THINK might be into it.

_____________________________

A roman soldier calls up to the centurion on the gates "Sir I've captured a Gaul!" Centurion calls "Bring him inside for interrogation." After a minute or so of silence the roman soldier replies brokenly "Sir He won't let me!"

I am the Gaul. .

(in reply to pain4gain)

Post #: 36

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 3:49:27 PM

pain4gain

Posts: 20
Joined: 3/21/2008
Status: offline

HerLord its a great topic ruined by totally baseless assumptions.

_____________________________

A roman soldier calls up to the centurion on the gates "Sir I've captured a Gaul!" Centurion calls "Bring him inside for interrogation." After a minute or so of silence the roman soldier replies brokenly "Sir He won't let me!"

I am the Gaul. .

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 37

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 3:51:33 PM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pain4gain

giveeverything how dare you accuse me of identifying with that piece of trash!!! Yes I know that this does happen and that it's a sad part of domestic violence. Read my posts PROPERLY - I moved out as soon as I could and have posted repeatedly already my total rejection of what went on my family home. You say you worked in a shelter and know the cycle - well how about this for a cycle? I've spent the rest of my life trying to be the best friend/lover/partner possible because of my feelings about the brutality I lived with! I have done everything within my power to repudiate my stepfathers treatment of the family by LIVING a better life, caring for and nurturing those I love and helping those I could as a matter of course. I understand that you feel deep compassion for those victims who you help pick up the pieces of their lives for and I can't express my admiration enough for the work you do BUT THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO ACCUSE ME OF BEING A TWISTED PIECE OF SHIT LIKE MY STEPFATHER JUST BECAUSE I COME FROM AN ABUSIVE HOME. And I didn't imply anything about my mother 'asking' for it, I simply observed that violence begets violence. I mentioned nothing about sodomizing her, that was your own prejudices taling I'm afraid. Seeing as you work at a shelter that deals with family violence you will know that part of the 'cycle' as you describe it is an equaly intense 'making up' event after the violence. If I was as prejudiced and arrogant as your post makes you look to me I might make some very nasty accusations about the assumptions you have made about both me and my family. As it happens I am not so I will simply note that your experiences seem to have prejudiced you against any male involved in family violence - PLEASE NOTE! I said SEEMED to. . I for one don't make baseless presumtive accusations based on my prejudices.

I know this is not addressed to me but i want to comment on it anyway.
I do not have the impression that Giveeverything was directing her comments toward you. She has a great deal of experience in domestic violence and was making general statements on this forum concerning the topic you introduced.

< Message edited by sirsholly -- 3/29/2008 3:53:21 PM >

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Post #: 38

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 3:52:11 PM

BOUNTYHUNTER

Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
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My uncle and my first try at bdsm with my history teacher april...

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Post #: 39

RE: Your early influences? - 3/29/2008 3:54:39 PM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

ORIGINAL: pain4gain

Holly yes there's something wrong with the picture - some people enjoy abusing their families this isn't a kink, its a sickness. Some people do stick with abusive relationships for whatever reason and it is a great sadness for everyone involved. I didn't say either my mother or sister liked it, you did. I merely stated the facts both my mother and sister did stay with their abusive partners you can draw what inferences you want but infering that 'something is very wrong with this picture' is uncalled for, it isn't a 'picture' its real life and just because you can't accept it doesn't change the facts.
.

i made the statements i did based on the comment you made about your mom "walking funny" after the abuse, and your sister feeling the the sun shines out of her husbands ass.
Also you said your sister-in-law adores your abusive brother.
Forgive me if i am wrong in my assumptions. I have a great deal of difficulity with the "sun shine" and "adore" implications. Now, please do not think i am slamming you. Rather, assuming you are reading the relationships correctly, it is simply unbelievable to me that those feelings would exist toward an abusive spouse.

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 40

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