RE: Coming out - Telling those you love

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (Full Version)

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MissHarlet -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/29/2008 9:43:31 AM)
It surprizes me how many have said they are happy Their children are DOMINANT and not the "other" .... does that say something about how you yourself feel about submissives or slaves? I would have no problem if My sons chose this lifestlye on either side of the coin so to speak.. IF if fulfilled them and made them happy. Now in answer to the OP ... give her time ... let her see that you are happy .. answer what she asks and nothing more for a while .. let her assemilate the information at her own pace for a while. Most of all she wants you happy ..... show her you are just that and she will come around .....

Cougarandkitten -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/29/2008 9:53:52 AM)
If all else fails direct your mother to this site and let her get the chance to actually talk to others, like yourself, with the desire and the need to serve. You said she has always been openminded, well give her the chance to prove it. Let her see for herself what is really going on in your life, you never know she may suprise not only you but herself in the process. Cougar

Arrrchibald -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/29/2008 10:15:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissHarlet It surprizes me how many have said they are happy Their children are DOMINANT and not the "other" .... does that say something about how you yourself feel about submissives or slaves? I don't find it that surprising. Look at the sub profiles on here feeling the need to justify and apologize for being submissive. I'd say at least half of the sub profiles I read, extensively state how they're "sooooo dominant in 'real life.'" Followed by a paragraph or two of "just because I'm a sub doesn't mean I'm a loser/pervert/weak-willed idiot." It's very unfortunate that subs feel the need to disclaim those stereotypes. But they do. Because the stereotype exists. Just look at all those threads in the "Ask a Master" forum. All the "My master just shot my dog and keyed my car...that's ok cause he's a dom, right? If I object, it means I'm not a real sub, right?" Those posters aren't exactly boosting the prestige of the word "sub."

MistressNoName -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/29/2008 10:21:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx I've found Mistress Steel's writing to be informative, down to earth, realistic and understandable. Perhaps this might help: http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html Are you pointing to a specific article or all of them? MNN

azropedntied -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/29/2008 12:32:12 PM)
I agree with the book selections but i also think sometimes less is more .Discression in informing someone who may not wish to hear it all may be in play here .Give her time to digest the information , and if she does come to you with questions ask her if she would like to have some reading materials and calmly explain who you are and your dynamic . I myself never felt the need to explain to my parents my sexual or bdsm me .Thinking further i really do not wish to know theirs either . If you and your Master are happy that counts for ALOT . best wishes .

robertolapiedra -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/30/2008 6:58:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Willowmoon For various reasons I came out of the closet so to speak to my mother tonight. She now knows that I am a 24/7 slave and shes not happy. .... Usualy she is open minded and I can say anything to her and she doesn't care, my mother has been my best friend for so long and now I think that she hates me. Please help. Willow Hello Willowmoon. As an experienced parent, I have this piece of advice for you: Do not expect your mother to be your "best friend" when seeking her approval of your intimate "private" life. Mothers invariably react as mothers even if they "act" like your "best friend" most of the time. Also, it seems to me that you are reacting like a daughter to a mothers criticism, not a best friend's criticism. All this is NORMAL mother-daughter stuff and has nothing to do with real supportive friendship. Your mother loves you (do not mistake "approval" for real love). Maybe she acts like a best friend because you do not accept motherly reactions very easily? I would use this experience as a life lesson.: You cannot just say "anything" to your mother and no, she actually cares a lot about what you say but acts like she does not so you will spill the beans more easily. I have two daughters from two different mothers... I know a little about mother-daughter mind fucking dynamics. Stay cool and talk about something else. You should accept your mothers views the way they are and stop trying to educate her for your friendly convenience. She will look up on the subject by herself without your help, I guarantee this. RL.

Willowmoon -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/30/2008 8:38:53 AM)
she lives in a small country town and has no idea how to use a computer even if she had one so she has no resources to look up the topic which is why she asked me to send her stuff. Yes i am reacting as mother/daughter which is natural but usualy i can tell her anything without her caring and she tells me everything (including the icky details about her sex life) Just because you have daughters does not mean that you know what all mother/daughter relationships are like.

xxblushesxx -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/30/2008 8:59:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressNoName quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx I've found Mistress Steel's writing to be informative, down to earth, realistic and understandable. Perhaps this might help: http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html Are you pointing to a specific article or all of them? MNN I didn't take the time to pick out a few that were right for her situation; but if I were just learning about the lifestyle, I think the whole of her archives could give a nice over-all view.

MistressNoName -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/30/2008 12:12:24 PM)
Hi Willowmoon, Although I am so sorry that you have had this disheartening experience with your mother, I do still have a hope that things will in time work out...You describe having a good basic relationship with her and that foundation with serve you both really well in the end, I'm sure. I agree with xxblushesxx recommendation. Steeldoor has some good articles...but read all with some care before sending to your mom. Another place to get some good articles is Ambrosio's site, http://www.evilmonk.org/A/menu.cfm - you'll find a wide range of articles there, including some very basic one's about SSC concepts, some primers by Jay Wiseman etc. Perhaps doing some reading on how we keep ourselves safe in this lifestyle and reading about some of the feelings behind why we do what we do might help to ease her mind a bit. Personally, I want to thank you for starting this topic. I've been thinking very long and hard about coming out to my mom...soon. And this is helping me to figure out how I'm going to do it. In some ways having a less open relationship with my mother is a blessing, as I don't expect her to go at me and press for answers she's not quite ready for as your mother, unfortunately, did. But then, for me, there is the worry about how much she will be able to handle - and I have no way of being able to guess at that... Best to you both, MNN

metalmiss -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/30/2008 12:28:32 PM)
In my opinion & experience the best words to calm and reassure a confused and worried mother are your own. i had an unfortunate experience at 17 when, forgetting the marks remaining from some encounter a few days before.. i thought it was a good idea to go wandering around the house wearing little more than a very short nightdress. She was mortified.. i know from this experience that it's very difficult to explain a lifestyle choice like that to a parent.. There's very little out there that would cover everything you would want her to understand.. Something like that is better coming from your heart.. If you have been close to your mother at least some part of her will want to understand.

CharmedAnne -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/30/2008 1:09:44 PM)
Hello Willowmoon, I am so sorry to hear about this, it is never easy when our closest friends cant understand what makes us happy. My mom found out a few years ago when I was only researching and not active and she game me a massive lectre on how I was defiling myself, and degrading all women as a whole. Since then I knew, this was not something she could be open too so we simply dont talk about it. I know she is still curious as to wether I do it, but I give no hints or anything becuase I am a firm believer that my privet life is strictly mine and my Owners. As for reading material....No clue. Sorry. If I think of something thought I will be sure to post it.

robertolapiedra -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/30/2008 2:32:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Willowmoon Just because you have daughters does not mean that you know what all mother/daughter relationships are like. Hello again. You are right, I do not know everything. I also have an older sister who had the "best friend" type relationship with my mother and I know that also does not give me any "expertise" on your exceptional situation. But one thing I know about elephants (even if I never had one) is that you have to take a step back a little once in a while if you want to see (and understand) what the elephant is doing. RL.

Evility -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/30/2008 5:47:37 PM)
I don't come out to people I love because I love them.

Luciferica -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/30/2008 6:05:42 PM)
My mom took a "I don't want to know, but good for you guys" appoach with me being a Domme and she treats my husband extra good knowing he's my Sub, it's strange.

LPslittleclip -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/30/2008 6:05:43 PM)
my wife didn't quite understand when i told her but in time and honest conversation she understands now. she even had dinner last Christmas with my M'Lady she had a great time she understands much better now. just give her time.

MaamJay -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/31/2008 2:47:29 AM)
Concentrate on the principles of power exchange. This has helped Me a lot when talking to vanillas. This includes: * Negotiations ... these occurred when you were finding the right One to Master you ... you didn't just jump in feet first with the first guy that came along (did you?? [;)]) * One only ... you are slave to One and One only ... you are not a doormat for everyone to walk over ie you are still strong and powerful to everyone else * Knowing your own power ... if you didn't know the power you had ... how could you hand it over? * On the table ... all relationships have some power exchange going on ... in most vanilla ones, this happens "under the table" and there's a lot of snatching the power back and forth. In D/s ... the exchange is "on the table" and both sides have agreed on who has what power * Your choice ... it was your free will choice to hand over this power/autonomy ... He didn't take it from you * Limitations ... even slaves usually live within a set of limits if for no other reason that their Master/Mistress usually has their own set and the slave has agreed to serve them because they fit with their own ... reassure her as to what the limits are that you live under * Open communication, trust, honesty and other good old-fashioned values ... essential to successful M/s * Appreciation ... in most M/s relationships, the slave is very much appreciated for what s/he does ... perhaps moreso than in some traditional vanilla marriages where the stay-at-home mom didn't get too many credits for doing the housework! Good luck! Maam Jay aka violet[A]

angelbluewingsz -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (3/31/2008 11:39:14 AM)
Master or no... a man should treat you with respect. Your mother needs to feel that you are being treated with respect. You are her baby and always will be. I bet she knows exactly what it is like to be used by someone and is trying to save you her heartache. Really not possible but deffinatly understandable and commendable from my standpoint. Even knowing that everyone needs to live and learn, it will not stop me from protesting if I ever see my own children in what I believe is a bad relationship. The problem is, the person in the relationship can't always see the warning signs till it is too late- but the person outside only sees part of it. tough road. Just remind her you are a big girl, entitled to your own mistakes as well and you are happy. She needs you to be okay.

mypain56 -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/26/2008 3:29:59 PM)
Hi Willow, This is hard topic, considering my Mother could care less about me. Or so it seems. i have come out about many different facets of my life but my being part of this world has not been discussed. Although i trust that my sisters have ran their mouth about it. She be 84 years old in May and she is a hypocrite,opinionated, materalistic person that i choose not to be around. Actually i recently moved 3 hours from the woman so she wouldn't bust my balls everyday. Their is nothing in my life that i have done in a positive manner that she has expressed any respect for even recently i finished my education and now have a degree. The week of my graduation i ask her if she would come to it and her reply was that i was a self-fish bitch, that since my older sister wwaas getting pinned for her Ba in nursing i should care more about that. And that would not attend my graduation, she was also pissed because i came in to some money from the government and i didn't offer to buy her new furniture so i wasa bitch on that note as well. she has in the past said some verystrange things to me just like a few years ago out of the blue she says i hear your good in bed and i just looked at her like what did you say. Very odd. i won't say anymore because it's just too damn dysfunctional and i have been in therapy for 20 years because of her nonstop abuse. So anyway good luck with your MUM and i assume that yours is nothing like the one i am stuck with. melly/srln:654-049-049

DominantJenny -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 4:44:12 AM)
reads first post and skims the rest Hang on, I've got something that impressed me a while back... http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html I thought it was just perfect for vanilla folk. I'm sorry, hon. My mother knows, but prefers to pretend she doesn't, which is fine with me. (Of course, I'm a dominant woman, so the same issues aren't there.)

camille65 -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 4:53:36 AM)
Personally I would omit any of the sexual or physical kink stuff and go to the concept of power exchange.You can compare it to the 1950's with the added caveat that this has been negotiated, that you don't assume all women want this nor all men are dominant. Assure her that you do have input and control. Choose your words wisely, perhaps write them down before saying them. IMO there is no need to go into floggers and the like, that can just be too much for someone learning about their daughter and really not their business. It seems she is concerned that you have choice, options. That you can walk away if things 'get bad'. Those are the things she needs to know, not that you get off on a spanking but that you get happiness from not being the leader. That you are totally capable of leading, you just choose not to. I keep using the word 'choose' for a reason, it will let her know your eyes are open as are your options.

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