RE: Coming out - Telling those you love

RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

kiwisub12 -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 8:29:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross quote: ORIGINAL: kiwisub12 It takes time to reset your personal expectations for your children. I have some and everytime we had problems that were life altering it took me weeks or months to come to grips with the reality of the situation. It's so hard for me to understand parents who choose to take on the responsibility of raising people to become independent, and then work so hard to make them into clones or robots or drones somehow living out the commands and expectations they programmed in. My own mother is no exception in this- but I started training HER early on that she needed to accept me and be fulfilled knowing I was happy rather than living the life she wanted for me. LA - you misunderstand me on this one. Its not about raising them as clones - its about life changing the way you saw their lives going - for example - one of my kids developed asthma - so her life changed, in that she had to take medicine daily, and couldn't do certain things and so on. I work in the medical field, so immediately saw all the worst case scenerios happening to this child that i loved so much. [&o] When your kids are born, you see them growing up "normal", flying through school with no problems, getting an enjoyable, well paying job, and since its the norm, getting married, having 2.5 kids and living happily ever after. Then life intervenes. And your expectations have to change along with it. all i want for my kids is to be self sufficient, and happy. The rest is up for grabs, and if being dominant or submissive was the way they wanted to go , i would be happy for them - and probably give them a lecture on safety! hehe.

SweetNika -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 9:53:47 AM)
Those that know me, truly know me don't need to be told because they have figured it out on their own. I have not told my parents but in all honesty I dont feel the dynamics of my relationships are their business as long as my UM and myself are happy and healthy. My ex told his mother he was in the lifestyle and that I was his slave and she never had respect for me after all. blessed be, Nika

frazzle121 -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 10:07:36 AM)
Got to add my 2p worth (ok im a brit and inflation prob makes that £2 by now) My family have known for a long time. Seems my mother hadnt a clue and asked me last year what BDSM actually stood for. I told her. Her response having researched it a bit, it's my life, and as long as i'm happy, so is she. My brothers have a bigger problem with it, they see it as abuse. Mother and sisters are fine, ok both my sisters would turn most Doms sub in 5 minutes, and thats according to He who must be obeyed. LOL

Corvidae -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 11:19:06 AM)
I don't really have anything to add that hasn't already been said, but I'll say it again just because I have nothing better to do [:D] I think that the two solutions to this will be time and honesty. Since you two have a history of open communication (and love) it seems to me there is a much better chance that she will come to accept your lifestyle, even if she doesn't ever understand it. Just letting her know that this was your choice, and that it is making you happy is a start. Certainly some of the reading material mentioned might help (you could print off some of the internet pages and mail them to her). Since you two have been comfortable sharing personal information in the past I think it could definitely help just to call her and ask if she has any questions that you can answer. Let her know that you appreciate her concern for your wellbeing, but that your decision to be a slave was well thought out and in no way diminishes you as a strong and independent person. In my mind it seems like a very brave and powerfull thing to make the decision to live 24/7; it shows a commitment to your own desires, even if those desires are to serve another. It is hard to believe that she could possibly hate you for this. She might be confused and upset, but I am 100% sure that she still loves you. Her worries and concerns about this come out of love, even if they are off the mark. I wish you the best of luck! Let us know how it turnes out!

pearlmoongirl -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 11:34:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Justme696 Don't push her to much right now. You told her, give her tiem to adjust. Just be yourself around her...and she will see that you are not unhappy. That is the best proof. I had an identical experience with one of my best friends when I came out of the broom closet. I just kept reminding her, very gently with love, that I had been pagan for most of the years she had known me so I was still the very same person she had known and liked before. Hope that helps. Justme is right, though - it just takes time. ~pmg

PanthersMom -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 1:11:32 PM)
seriously, why do people feel the need to reveal what they do in private to those they know will not understand?do they sit you down and tell you what they do behind closed doors? do you need their permission? do you want to shock them, or do you need to feel accepted by them in order to feel good about what you're doing? wake up ppl, nobody wants to know about what we do, so why force it down their throats? PM

littlewonder -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 1:29:04 PM)
Ok I don't quite understand the reason or need to "come out" to anyone let alone your mother but since you've seemed to have done so already I would just tell her you enjoy a traditional relationship with your boyfriend where he is the authority figure, the head of the household, the decision-maker and leave it at that. If she still has a problem with it there's not much more you can do except through your actions between the two of you in front of your mother. Just love one another but don't go and be all "bdsm protocol" in front of her. There's no need to flaunt it in front of others. Good luck to you all.

Corvidae -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 1:43:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PanthersMom seriously, why do people feel the need to reveal what they do in private to those they know will not understand?do they sit you down and tell you what they do behind closed doors? do you need their permission? do you want to shock them, or do you need to feel accepted by them in order to feel good about what you're doing? wake up ppl, nobody wants to know about what we do, so why force it down their throats? PM I agree that it is not necesarily good to tell someone about your kinks if you are pretty sure they won't understand. However, I don't see much harm in bringing it up with someone you are close to, especially if you are already comfortable talking about sex with them. I personally wish there was less of a taboo against talking about sex in general. Sometimes talking about a taboo topic helps dispell myths and bring greater acceptance. I don't think we should force it down people's throats, or go around wearing our kink on or sleeves, so to speak. But if they seem interested, especially if they were asking pressing questions that can only be explained by "outing" one's self, then I don't see anything wrong with it if you go about it in a tactfull way (don't start out with anything explicit, just sort of test the waters and see how they react). I have only told one of my "vanilla" friends about it, and I am glad that I did, because it turns out she was not as vanilla as I thought, and "outing" myself has led to some interesting conversations. However, I didn't bring it up just out of the blue. We have a long history of being comfortable talking about sex and sexuality with each other (I helped her pick out her first vibrator), so it wasn't too much of a reach to tell her I was into BDSM.

toddlefeet -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 1:46:33 PM)
I came out and told by my baby sister that lives in ventura. she's a therepist soon to gradute and is already seeing clients. She was very accepting of my chosen lifestyle as an AB and agreed to keep it between her and I.. She knows full well what I do doesnt involve children in any way shape or form, that its not harming me nor anything else. Why I chose to tell her? I dont know..but she is my only blood sibling I have and I treasure her with all my heart. I think her & I are pretty close enough that I can tell her anything & she wont judge me nor think less of me. unlike the world and todays society. Why I felt the need to tell her I dont know..But I am glad I did. Even still as she knows I am AB and doesnt care..She still see's me as her big brother. and I love her even more for it. toddle. P.S. PanthersMom, I love animals so much, we have two cats here in my apt and I love your kitty avatar. too cute. =)

Vigilantejustice -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 7:30:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross quote: ORIGINAL: kiwisub12 It takes time to reset your personal expectations for your children. I have some and everytime we had problems that were life altering it took me weeks or months to come to grips with the reality of the situation. It's so hard for me to understand parents who choose to take on the responsibility of raising people to become independent, and then work so hard to make them into clones or robots or drones somehow living out the commands and expectations they programmed in. My own mother is no exception in this- but I started training HER early on that she needed to accept me and be fulfilled knowing I was happy rather than living the life she wanted for me. This is why I'm so proud of my mom. She wrote this about me: http://www.healthcentral.com/stop-smoking/c/19257/20546/life-part http://www.healthcentral.com/stop-smoking/c/19257/20551/buti-life-ii/ Have your mom check it out. After all, most of us could be much worse offspring.

Willowmoon -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 9:13:32 PM)
Thank you everyone for your reponses. Sorry I haven't been around checking this thread we moved and lost internet for three weeks but i'm back now. I understand that others don't understand the need to tell someone what it is that we do behind closed doors but in a 24/7 relationship not everything is behind closes doors. Mum couldn't understand why i got him a drink everytime he asked or why I sat at his feet instead of on the couch beside him, she couldn't understand why I waitied for him to eat or drink anything before starting my own and started pressing me with questions until I exploded. We don't rub our lifestyle in others faces and try to keep it quiet which is why in company i wait for him to start his food before starting mine rather then asking if I may eat like I do at home. Willow

wwwkevinww -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 9:32:38 PM)
I remember telling my mom and mentioning 24/7. My mom freaked out, and found some girl who was abused badly, and made her a poster child on why this is a bad thing. I don't really have that close of a relationship with my mom, but for the most part, its better to not disclose private relationship type things to family members, it creates unneccessary heartache. As for your response, you should of said I do this because it makes me happy, which is true, you choose the lifestyle you want to live. You should give her the book "The Rules" which details exactly how to live in a patriarchal and fake life. Ask her if you should be fake or real? lol

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 9:43:49 PM)
I didnt come out as much as I was outted. To family (not parnets, but everyone else) and friends. The variety of responses varied from wow cool, to you are a freak. My little brother is a sub, so I find out, so it didnt phase him. He was actually happy he wasnt the only one. My poor parents would die of shock. I am bi, and dominant, my brother is gay and submissive and my parents are of the old school belief that the Man is in charge... not to mention homophobic. The important thing, aside form time, is not to let her do her OWN research. IF you have the oppertunity to feed her the information you want her to know, take advantage of it. The media is chock full of negative stories about our lifestyle, mainly dealing with people who arent actualy liestyle as much as vanilla kink gone wrong. But to THEM, we are all the same. Make sure you get her the informative, useful information before she gets a hold of any of the rag crap. It will make her acceptance and your life much much easier.

impossiblesub -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 9:49:13 PM)
Why does anyone feel the need to come out? It seems to me the lifestyle should be something one can enjoy privately without the inevitable disruption of relationships that will occur with the "coming out". You could always move to another town and still speak with relatives and loved ones on the phone.

wwwkevinww -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/27/2008 10:14:59 PM)
Obviously your mom cares about you and your happiness. If you are happy and in a loving relationship, who cares the exact details. Don't fill her head with too many details, or make her worry. Tell her that if for some reason in the future things change and your not happy, then you'll be happy to tell her your not happy and why. If you want to get specific, you can go on to extrapolate that everyone is dominant or submissive, whether they admit it or not. Then grill your mom on how much of either she is, and so on. I'm sure your mom doesn't have all the answers..... You really shouldn't need to refer to any books or anything, I mean do you really want to give your mom a blow by blow of what you do in the bedroom? telling her that your 24/7 slave doesn't sound good to a vanilla, you kind of made her worry for nothing and should apologize to her, tell her your happy if you really are, and tell her your doing what you do in the relationship to make you happy and him, etc....make sure you tell her if things change, you'll let her know. Obviously you let the cat out of the bag and can tell her your in a kinky abnormal relationship and should confirm that much, but avoid details and so on. Sometimes Discretion is the better part of valor. Discretion is not being dishonest.

Willowmoon -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (4/28/2008 12:50:12 AM)
Why do people on here question if subs/slaves are really happy? Why does nobody listen/read what has been said. Mum pushed i got mad and exploded and in that explosion what she had been pushing to know came out. Why does everyone see the lifestyle as being 'in the bedroom' its not all about being tied up and flogged and for 24/7 if it was in the bedroom nothing else would ever get done. By its very nature 24/7 exists outside of the bedroom, outside of the home, it exists no matter where I am or who I am with. No I dont shove peoples faces in it but i also dont go out of my way to hide it. Willow

pearlmoongirl -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (5/5/2008 6:50:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PanthersMom seriously, why do people feel the need to reveal what they do in private to those they know will not understand?do they sit you down and tell you what they do behind closed doors? do you need their permission? do you want to shock them, or do you need to feel accepted by them in order to feel good about what you're doing? I 'came out' as pagan after a friend stopped by, unexpectedly, and 'caught' me blessing my new office space. I was waving incense, I had made an altar in the middle of the room, and I was singing in a language she didn't understand. It was either tell her I was pagan, or let her run off thinking I was some sort of devil worshipper to have some sort of heart attack. She's that keyed up about religious matters, we have a fabulous friendship, and I didn't want her dropping dead. Furthermore, I 'came out' as submissive because I discovered someone else I knew well was kinky and poly. Hurray! Someone I could talk to! `pmg

kittensangel -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (5/5/2008 7:12:36 AM)
Willow, i am sorry to hear that, but i have to say been their done that. My mother found out one day because she decided to ask one two many questions. Keep in mind that i follow the filocify that if you ask the question you want the know the truth. My mother also continued to ask more about why, and even said "why can't you just be gay". Please know this was little over a year ago. My mother still does not understand, and her definition of a slave and mine are different. According to my moms definition i am a submissive, while according to the one i have come to believe i am a slave. Like other have said, give her time to digest it. My mother has come to accept it, though she does not like it. Even after she gets to a point of accepting, understand their might still be small snide remarks leek into conversations. I have had to learn to just not react to the small comments no matter how they annoy me. While articles are good, I would encourage her to talk to others online, both submissive and dominate. but before doing that express to that each relationship in this lifestyle is very different, and that by talking to them she can better understand the role you are after. Also show her, you are aware of legal rights, even though you chose to give up the power. IF your master has you keep your own bank account tell her, if you hand over all your money to him, tell her you negoicated that he puts some away for you ever month so that if something ever happens to the relationship you can leave. I have come to believe that the most converting thing for her would be, to know is that you have the ability to leave and go get an apartment and are able to support yourself if so choose. Good luck kitty

stella41b -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (5/5/2008 10:48:11 AM)
I'm so sorry that it came out this way. I'm going to respond somewhat differently from the majority here. Your mother pushed you and you felt you had no choice but to tell her. She wasn't happy with what she found out. Tough titty. She got the truth she was looking for, and it appears she didn't like it. She's obviously shocked and needs time to get over it. I wouldn't worry about it. She's a grown woman. If she wants information I'm sure she'll find it. If she wants reliable information she'll know where to look for it. She'll come and talk. Hopefully whatever was damaged in your relationship will be repaired. She is your mother after all. I would focus on your relationship with your mother, not with teaching her about kink and BDSM. You are an adult, you made your choices, you have nothing to explain to her. She will respond much better knowing that your still her daughter and still the same daughter than knowing you're a happy slave. This unfortunate incident only goes to show that you cannot predict how someone will react when you come out to someone, and that it is best if you come out to someone only when it's really necessary. Certain words bring out shock in people - slave, transsexual, homosexual, sadist, transvestite, and I sometimes wonder if it's best not to use these words. But if it's discovered then you really don't have any choice. If you need to come out to someone I feel it's best done in writing, by letter, e-mail making sure there's a phone number. I speak from my own experience. I am transgendered. I live in London. I have a sister and a cousin living in London. I have a widowed aunt and another cousin living in Glasgow. My parents never accepted me, my father even held me in emotional blackmail over many years which meant I spent part of my transition living in fear. I have no kept contact with part of this family for years. My sister traced me last year to inform me of the death of my father. I had to explain to her that I was in London, but had a different name, was living in a different gender and going through gender reassignment. She came to tell me of the news, but left soon afterwards. She e-mailed me shortly afterwards and said she could no longer see me as part of the family. But she knew about the gender issues from the start and was closer to our parents than me. But I do have family, an aunt and uncle in France, godparents in Toronto and a distant aunt also in Toronto who are all now naturalized Canadians. These were the relatives I told much later by e-mail. They accept me and they have expressed the wish for me to emigrate to be much closer to them so that we can spend time together and they can be more supportive. I'm sharing this just to add some perspective here. Parents have feelings too, and I guess nothing can be harder for a parent to accept to discover that their little boy is actually a woman. Nobody knows you in some ways better than your parents, they created you, they shape you, mould you, and they remember, so that no matter who you grow up to be and become, in their hearts you are always their little girl or boy. But I am Stella, and I have always been Stella, right from birth, even when I wasn't, I'm the same person as they brought up, only the truth came out and once I had discovered and accepted the truth I couldn't go back to living a lie, I had to be myself. Similarly Master and slave, Daddy and little girl, Mistress and sub, this need not necessarily be 'just in the bedroom' but can be and quite often influences the entire relationship, and it does so because you are being who you really are. There's a reason for coming out, and that reason is usually to resolve an issue. That issue is usually acceptance. The problem with coming out is that you're giving new information about yourself and replacing an assumption or illusion even with the truth. Usually the truth hurts or shocks, and that other person is under no obligation to accept what you reveal or even to further accept you in your new entirety. Does my coming out resolve an issue, or cause one? Am I prepared to give that other person time to learn to accept me or the situation? Am I prepared to live without the relationship if it goes pear-shaped? Am I prepared to show this other person that despite what I am revealing I am the same person? These are the questions. Only you can know the answers. Tread carefully and hope for the best.

lanie38 -> RE: Coming out - Telling those you love (5/5/2008 10:53:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Willowmoon Why do people on here question if subs/slaves are really happy? Why does nobody listen/read what has been said. Mum pushed i got mad and exploded and in that explosion what she had been pushing to know came out. Why does everyone see the lifestyle as being 'in the bedroom' its not all about being tied up and flogged and for 24/7 if it was in the bedroom nothing else would ever get done. By its very nature 24/7 exists outside of the bedroom, outside of the home, it exists no matter where I am or who I am with. No I dont shove peoples faces in it but i also dont go out of my way to hide it. Willow I completely agree that not all Ms relationship are confined to the bedroom, but out of respect for her and your own privacy I'm sure there could of been more subtle ways to maintain your dynamic, for the short time that she's around, without your core relationship crumbling by the way side...just a thought...

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875