chickpea
Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline
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I totally agree with the different degrees of trust giving at different times. I just like to think of giving trust in a more "organic way" being a woman using her intuition. Sure it's important to give trust and see if it's kept and keep tabs that way in black and white terms.
And I would venture further into white trust issues and black (serious) trust issues, akin to white lies and big lies. Like if your friend borrows a shirt from a friend that wasn't using it and it doesn't cause any harm... white trust issue. Or cheating when you're engaged or married, serious trust issue.
I think that trust is built day in and day out on the little things largely, and then soon you have a big fat pile of trust. Like does someone seem like they walk their talk, and say what they mean, and do what they say. Or does someone seem to always say things they don't mean or feel, and things they say about their actions or life doesn't fit with what you observe. These observations and things pile up over time, day in and day out and can lead to the road of more trust or less trust.
Also, the atmosphere to building trust is important, like if the Dom is non-judgemental and non-critical, a submissive is likely to be more honest and more open with herself and her life, leading to more trust, rather than the opposite with a critical and derogatory Dom and the submissive begins to close up or act in other ways leading to less trust. I think that Doms need to initially act more open with everything they do, so submissives give trust and be a good submissive, and i think submissives need to initially act non-judgementally and non-critically in order for Doms to eventually beable to be a Dom and be honest with whatever he chooses to do and know that his submissive will trust him in his decisions.
A lot of trust may be given initially to different people based on intuition because someone just seems trustable...then this person only needs to do a little in order to reach a big fat pile of trust. While some other folks just *seem* untrustable and no matter what they do it's just very hard to give them the benefit of the doubt... they will have to work extra hard to that big fat pile of trust. As an aside, I think allowing a submissive to trust at her own pace (tapping into her natural reactions/nature and letting her natural nature work in her submission, rather than forcing things based on a preconcived idea or goal in mind) is important in a healthy lasting super-strong BDSM relationship. The less forced things are, the more natural and powerful the relationship can be if it's meant to be, that's another form of trust, trusting in the other person's feelings.
But yeah, if it's lost and the reasons behind it are forgivable, I think trust is salvageable. Also, if the trust-breaker is truely repentant of her/his untrustable action, has apologized and is making efforts to change, I think it is salvageable. I know a lot of dominants out there are very cut & dry, black & white, but I venture to go forth and say that lots of things in life are out of our control, including many situations that influence the way we act and feel in ways we would prefer not to, so keeping that in mind perhaps the cut and dry, black and white approach to trust isn't the healthiest if we are to build a lasting trusting situation with another human being -- rather than chasing a perfect idea, that usually never lasts long.
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RE: Building Trust - 
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