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Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 1:21:35 PM   
LadyHathor


Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		We see many stories about failed relationships, bad Doms, bad subs, bad decisions---
 
I wonder---submissives--do you give yourself faster in this life than you would in a vanilla relationship?

edited for bad spelling

< Message edited by LadyHathor -- 3/29/2008 2:17:44 PM >

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 1:29:50 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		That's a very good question.  The difference for me is that in the vanilla lifestyle men tend to run when they hear the N word - need.  In this lifestyle it is encouraged.  That made me move faster and be willing to share my emotions here.  I would definitely say that it made intimacy grow more quickly.

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 1:33:00 PM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		It's possible. I know I did, and was able to back out of it before it went too far.

It's hard sometimes to be patient and take our time to really think about this relationship we're diving headlong into. The dynamics can be heady - especially when they're new to us. And there are lots of sweet-talking Doms out there, and even "masterly-sounding" men. It is tempting to submit to a man who knows what he's talking about - or at least sounds that way. A man who throws around terms like "discipline" and "24/7" and promises to collar you the minute he gets his hands on you - when you're new to BDSM, it can sound like a dream come true. All too often, however, it could become a nightmare.

I have developed the mind-set of, "Treat this like beginning a vanilla relationship. Feel him out; find out about him as a man; see if he's interested in you as a woman with interests and activities outside of BDSM. If so, pursue the relationship. If not, say good-bye graciously and gracefully, and make your exit."

pip


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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 1:34:19 PM   
basheera


Posts: 22
Status: offline 		I no longer give myself easily- been there done that and barely survived. I think it shouldn't matter whether in a D/s or vanilla relationship- one should never give up themselves to anyone at a 100%. And what I mean is their power and individuality. Should the person be confident, emotionally & mentally secure, then I don't see why giving your submission in a D/s or vanilla relationship should be problematic as long as you're giving it to someone who has merit. And merit is not just based on experience, or age, or knowledge, it is based on what is in their heart the most.

I am not sure if I answered the question.

< Message edited by basheera -- 3/29/2008 1:37:54 PM >

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 1:47:03 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		I am ALL ears on this question.

**Gets a glass of soda and a some club crackers and settles in**

Steel

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 1:58:48 PM   
aphrodite5


Posts: 71
Joined: 8/5/2007
Status: offline 		I could just say 'No,' and leave it at that. But its not very helpful, as far as satisfying curiousity.

I am the same person that I was before I became aware of this as a life choice. I have the same dating "style" within the community as I do without it.

If anything, I would say that it takes me a little longer to give myself fully, simply because I have had more experience in the world. But that's little to do with BDSM and much more to do with growing and learning as a person.

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 2:13:32 PM   
Shawn1066


Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor
 
I wonder---submissives--do you give yourself faster in this life than you would in a vanilla relationship?


I wouldn't know...I've never had a nilla one.  I doubt there's any real difference between how quickly I'd become devoted, however.

DV's Fox

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 2:16:37 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		I have moved too fast in the past. This time I have a Dom that wont let me move too fast. So actually, he is taking care of me better than anyone ever could before.

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 2:22:40 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I give of myself very slowly and cautiously, but still I've ended up with  failed relationships in the past.  Risk can't be avoided though.  All you can do is make the smartest choices that you can at any given time and hope for the best.  Sometimes I think that moving slowly can be a detriment, and the older I get the less I believe in "meant to be's", and the more I believe that things happen when people cause them to happen.

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 2:49:24 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
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quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

I give of myself very slowly and cautiously, but still I've ended up with  failed relationships in the past.  Risk can't be avoided though.  All you can do is make the smartest choices that you can at any given time and hope for the best.  Sometimes I think that moving slowly can be a detriment, and the older I get the less I believe in "meant to be's", and the more I believe that things happen when people cause them to happen.



Slow and steady wins the race - in any given situation.

Of course risk can't be avoided - you have to take a risk to earn a return - risk can be managed, though.

No offence intended here Marie, but meant to bes and fate are self-deceiving and self-defeating.

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 3:14:16 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		I tend to take longer with a lot more conversation taking place first 

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 3:17:00 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline


quote:

Slow and steady wins the race - in any given situation.


Was someone talking about a race?

quote:

Of course risk can't be avoided - you have to take a risk to earn a return - risk can be managed, though..


Well, actually no, it can't be managed, that's why they call it risk and not a cake eating contest.  

quote:

No offence intended here Marie, but meant to bes and fate are self-deceiving and self-defeating.


I'm a slow learner, what can I say?  Better late than never, no??



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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 3:31:04 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

We see many stories about failed relationships, bad Doms, bad subs, bad decisions---
 
I wonder---submissives--do you give yourself faster in this life than you would in a vanilla relationship?

edited for bad spelling


For me it doesn't have anything to do with the type of relationship it is.   It has to do with age, experience, past relationships, past mistakes, the person you're giving yourself to, and the lessons learned from all of the above.   As I've gotten older, I've learned from my past experiences both good and bad.    Giving of myself to a Dom, a friend, a co-worker, etc is the most important thing I can do in each instance.   I should take the time necessary to make sure it's the right thing to do. 

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 3:59:13 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

Was someone talking about a race?



An English metaphor. Based on your reply, cultural boundaries are at play.

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

Well, actually no, it can't be managed, that's why they call it risk and not a cake eating contest.  



You're confusing the words eliminated and managed.

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 4:00:34 PM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

We see many stories about failed relationships, bad Doms, bad subs, bad decisions---
 
I wonder---submissives--do you give yourself faster in this life than you would in a vanilla relationship?

I don't have "vanilla" relationships and "lifestyle" relationships.  I just have relationships, and they encompass the entire spectrum.  So, no.

~stef


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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 4:11:38 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

I don't have "vanilla" relationships and "lifestyle" relationships.  I just have relationships, and they encompass the entire spectrum.  So, no.


Same here.  Lately I've noticed postings about "lifestyle" and "vanilla" as if people put their lives into little boxes.  I do it all and I don't have to make decisions about "vanilla" or "lifestyle" because I simply live my life, multi-faceted.  It's much easier that way.


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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 4:18:05 PM   
sblady


Posts: 433
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline 		I'll honestly admit that I "gave" myself much faster in this life than I did in any of my vanilla relationships, especially where my emotions were concerned.

As mentioned in previous "sub-frenzy" posts, learning about D/s and or BDSM and finding that you absolutely love and crave certain aspects can make you jump in feet first.  I've learned a lot of valuable lessons and always joke that it's unfortunate that I had to experience "puberty" after 40.  


By the way, I've always considered myself to be reasonably intelligent and if the above comments make me seem to be anything other than that, ah well....

< Message edited by sblady -- 3/29/2008 4:19:53 PM >

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 4:24:19 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent




You're confusing the words eliminated and managed.


Risk means that you might get hurt.  You risk getting hurt.  Or you risk losing, or you risk whatthefuckever.  How can it be managed?  Are you saying that someone can take a risk, yet remain safe from being hurt at the same time?  If that's the case, then they're holding back in order to keep themselves from being hurt...and well...that's not really risk...at least not in my world.

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 4:35:32 PM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline 		i move at the same speed, which is probably a large discouragement for almost anyone dealing with me.

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RE: Giving yourself - 3/29/2008 4:36:23 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

We see many stories about failed relationships, bad Doms, bad subs, bad decisions---
 
I wonder---submissives--do you give yourself faster in this life than you would in a vanilla relationship?

edited for bad spelling


i am not sure if LH means giving yourself faster sexually or emotionally.

Sexually...i would say yes. All the relationships i have had in the lifestyle have started on-line, then e-mails and phone contact for quite awhile. I felt i knew the Dom fairly well once we met.

Emotionally...nope. I was very very guarded emotionally. I am not sure i would have been as guarded in a vanilla relationship, as i never had the chance to find out.

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