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Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 12:39:40 PM   
mastervalentine


Posts: 157
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline 		Okay, someone said to me the other day, after conversing with me for about a week fairly regularly that I simply come across as being too nice to be dominant.

I answer questions honestly, have reasonable humor and wit, and a deep love of philosophy. I don't bother with posturing or posing. I don't really think I have anything to prove. I am what I am, and that is someone with a great deal of growth to attend to.

In response to a recent post in which I state that I try to treat everyone with respect, because that courtesy costs me nothing, finally I hear; "You're just too nice to be a dom."

I'm getting a good chuckle out of it, I've been accused of being many things. Too nice is actually pretty refreshing.
But I must confess, it has me curious as to what others think of my behavior and attitudes so far. Those that have seen my posts, those that would care to look and give me some kind of response. I'd really appreciate knowing what everyone else thinks.


_____________________________

"If philosophy has taught me any one thing, it is that a rushed action invites disaster." ~MasterValentine

Say not, 'I have found the truth,' but rather, 'I have found a truth.' Kahlil Gibran
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RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 12:48:39 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		You'll appeal to a sub who is looking for sweet and nice.  You won't appeal to those looking for evil motherfuckers.  Stay your course and be who you are and you'll find someone who compliments you and your personality.

_____________________________



(in reply to mastervalentine)
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RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 12:50:05 PM   
Shawn1066


Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		My Owner is the nicest person  I know.  Of course, she's also quite dominating and rather sadistic at the same time.  There's no rule saying that just being dominant and sadistic means you have to be a jackass.

DV's Fox

(in reply to Aileen1968)
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RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 12:51:47 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you can give clear communication about what you want, and pay attention to the results, then that, confidence and the drive to lead in the relationship is all that's required. You probably will be a great dom to someone else, just not her.

Unfortunately what she said put the blame on you instead of just telling you that she doesn't feel the necessary spark which she needs to feel submissive towards someone. She may prefer a guy who snaps fingers at her and calls her bitch instead of honey in public. But you don't have to act like an ass just because she interprets that as dominant. Be glad you didn't hook up with her and continue talking to others who prefer their partners to have manners.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to mastervalentine)
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RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 12:57:54 PM   
Gemini1766


Posts: 991
Joined: 3/7/2008
Status: offline 		I'm a pretty nice guy. I'm usually respectful and polite. I have a pretty good sense of humor and don't take myself too seriously.
I'm not saying I'm perfectly wonderful, not by far. I have moments...

Too nice? No, you're simply you. And that is to be cherished. Who wants cookie cut Dominate personalities? We all need to be ourselves, screw what someone else wants you to be.

Gem, a Dom with a Heart.


_____________________________

"Strangers do not owe strangers anything, beyond an obeisance to the laws mutual conduct as dictated by the land in which they live. Anything else is negotiable." puella

"TwistedKinkerBell's online male companion of a nearly intimate nature."

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RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 1:04:46 PM   
TwistedLeather


Posts: 189
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline 		Everyone is different. There are varying degrees and extremities to the lifestyle. For those who are looking for someone sadistic or damanding 24/7, you're just not the one for them. Anyone who wants to be humiliated, objectified, or have complete TPE wouldn't be happy with you either. But someone like myself, a very affectionate, loving lap kytten, would find you to be wonderful.

As long as you're consistent in your expectations, likes and dislikes, you'll be just fine with the right partner. You're not too nice to be a Dom. You're too nice to be THIER Dom.

(in reply to Gemini1766)
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RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 1:05:14 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Just because you are nice doesn't mean that you aren't dominant and sadistic.  My Sir is a very nice,kind , caring individual - who also likes to beat women black and blue and to have them serve him. Dominant isn't another way of saying "arsehole".

(in reply to Gemini1766)
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RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 1:08:07 PM   
sublibrarian


Posts: 96
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Shawn1066
There's no rule saying that just being dominant and sadistic means you have to be a jackass.


Hear, hear! Some of us subs like someone who's a balance of sadistic and sweet. I think as long as you're good at being in control there's nothing wrong with ultimately being a nice Dominant. Some will go for that, some won't.



(in reply to Shawn1066)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 1:08:57 PM   
OldBastardly1


Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline 		I had a sub once, that originally thought I "wasn't hard enough" for her likings. I told her " don't mistake my kindness for weakness". She learned to see the difference.

Some people like the Dom who is a total prick all the time. Those are the subs I realize that I am not a match for. Others appreciate one who is secure enough with His/Her dominance that they don't have to continually prove there are Dominance.

"To thine own self, be true."

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad



(in reply to mastervalentine)
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RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 1:09:03 PM   
Luciferica


Posts: 231
Joined: 3/18/2008
Status: offline 		I try hard to be nice

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 1:18:47 PM   
Real_Trouble


Posts: 471
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mastervalentine
Okay, someone said to me the other day, after conversing with me for about a week fairly regularly that I simply come across as being too nice to be dominant.

In response to a recent post in which I state that I try to treat everyone with respect, because that courtesy costs me nothing, finally I hear; "You're just too nice to be a dom."


My question is thus:

Are you nice, but ultimately more than willing to stand up for things when it matters?  Or are you a pushover?

Likewise, the reverse is often assumed as well - I have seen many people who believe individuals who are mean-spirited or simply selfish are "dominant", which I don't believe to be the case either (unless senselessly abusing others because you are too stupid to realize the impact your actions have on them counts as dominance, in which case, we have differing definitions).

However, I don't think either really hits the point.  Sometimes it is a question of personal preference, as not everyone wants a partner who is nice or polite.  Regardless, though, I think you can separate the wheat from the chaff with a question a former sub I knew asks about potential dominants:

In a life or death situation, would you trust this individual to take charge and give coherent, productive orders?

In other words, do you trust them, do you think they can establish authority and command others when the shit hits the fan or things are not going well (it's easy to lead or be dominant when everything goes according to plan), and do you think they would be successful doing so?

Now, with that said, I know more dominant types who are something less than nice on an average basis than the reverse, but a general trend does not speak to a specific instance; if someone would answer the question above regarding you favorably, I wouldn't worry.


_____________________________

Send lawyers, guns, and money.

(in reply to mastervalentine)
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RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 1:26:06 PM   
hydranmenace


Posts: 52
Joined: 2/14/2007
Status: offline 		I find that its a fine line, and like the OP I have some learning and growth to do as well. There are times when I am very nice, caring, gentle and romantic. Then there are times when I would like nothing better than to have someone at my beck and call at the snap of the finger, to do with as i please, when i please, however i wish, where i wish. I could go from lets cuddle and watch a movie to strip and get on your knees within 15 minutes. Usually the nice side is more apparent because most of the time im dealing with people in real life in a 'normal' society so that is the side of my personality that i have to be 'in' to deal with most people.
When i message subs on here I am polite and respectful and i don't find it necessary to go on about what a sick bastard I can be and what Id like to do to her if she were here this Saturday, but that may make me appear to be *too* nice or "not Dom enough" for some. I can't help that. Im going to be honest about who I am and Im not going to change just to make some subs have a different perception of me. It would be ideal if being nice or kind didn't at the same time convey a lack of "Dom-ness" for lack of a better term. How to overcome this, i don't know, and i wish i did. In the end I think we need to be ourselves and eventually the sub that does recognize us for who and what we are (and can be) is the sub we would rather develop a relationship with. Not the ones who incorrectly wrote us off as being too nice. And just to be fair, I'm sure there are subs id be to gentle for. Thats hard to imagine but it would be a mistake to not at least consider the possibility. Even in that event though we wouldn't work, so it saved us both the trouble.

(in reply to kiwisub12)
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RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 1:52:37 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		You might be too nice to be their Dom...that doesn't mean you are too nice.

Only you and the people you care to share this with [will] know the reason why you identify yourself as being a "Dom"...it is no one else's business.
You don't need to justify your niceness or the context of your identifying yourself as a Dominant.

Just be yourself.

(in reply to mastervalentine)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 1:55:48 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		http://www.collarchat.com/m_1205164/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#1205660
mistaking kindness for weakness

http://www.collarchat.com/m_856653/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#857014
too nice

http://www.collarchat.com/m_848523/mpage_2/key_gentleman/tm.htm#848969
Mr. Nice guy is not Mr. Nice Dom?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_825792/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#825829
Can a dom be a gentleman?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_799563/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#799760
what makes a 'real' dom?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_775753/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#775760
dominants who show emotions, weakness or vulnerability

http://www.collarchat.com/m_771270/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#771630
Does gentle master mean weak?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_668725/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#668733
Too polite?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_505491/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#505668
Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_433779/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#433966
Master...in slaves' eyes!

http://www.collarchat.com/m_380311/mpage_2/key_gentleman%252Cdom/tm.htm#384513
dom vs gentleman

http://www.collarchat.com/m_266268/mpage_1/key_gentleman%252Cdom/tm.htm#266288
the gentleman dom with feelings

Is the term gentleman dom an oxymoron?

Gentlemen vs nice guy

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mastervalentine)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 1:57:47 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		too nice? what are all Doms total tossers then? lol how sad that is. Nothing wrong with being nice, but as someone said there is a differance between nice and a push over, but only you know if thats what you are from reading your posts I would doubt it, I would say a mediator, well read and idealistic, im pretty sure a Dom can be all those things. 

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to mastervalentine)
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RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 2:07:21 PM   
solia


Posts: 115
Joined: 8/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mastervalentine

Okay, someone said to me the other day, after conversing with me for about a week fairly regularly that I simply come across as being too nice to be dominant.

I answer questions honestly, have reasonable humor and wit, and a deep love of philosophy. I don't bother with posturing or posing. I don't really think I have anything to prove. I am what I am, and that is someone with a great deal of growth to attend to.

In response to a recent post in which I state that I try to treat everyone with respect, because that courtesy costs me nothing, finally I hear; "You're just too nice to be a dom."

I'm getting a good chuckle out of it, I've been accused of being many things. Too nice is actually pretty refreshing.
But I must confess, it has me curious as to what others think of my behavior and attitudes so far. Those that have seen my posts, those that would care to look and give me some kind of response. I'd really appreciate knowing what everyone else thinks.



I'm going to wager that you are conversing with someone accustomed to doms who bark orders about everything.  Ignore it .. be yourself.  I am constantly laughing at the reponses that I get.  I look like your typical mom just out of the kitchen baking fresh cookies. I don't wear the standard issue fetish wear.  I laugh and smile and sensually touch a face here or gently grope a crotch there.  And with a smile on my face and in a deceptively sweet voice,  I turn, look him straight in the eye and softly tell him to kneel or strip.  Game on!   That's when he knows the niceties are over.

I'm guessing the person is trying to top you from the bottom and change your behavior to mold you into the type of dom 'they' want .. don't let it happen ~ you won't like how you feel and it'll screw up your chi and you won't have fun anymore and it'll all become a burden. 

I'd smile a sweet demure smile, say thank you in the sweetest way possible and move along leaving them panting because the ploy didn't work and it only got them ignored....sigh...it's tough being me!! 

(in reply to mastervalentine)
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RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 2:29:25 PM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		Why someone with *master* in front of their name has to ask this question...baffles me.
 
I hope you find whatever advice your looking for...here.

(in reply to solia)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 2:35:21 PM   
brokenheart56


Posts: 14
Joined: 3/4/2007
From: south carolina
Status: offline 		hi!! i get the same line often. i belive no person owns another. to me a sub is that because it is something  they desire. if you fear me because you expect me to beat you... your wrong. be my slave/sub because you want that. i will treat you with respect. i am sure their are alot of us out there who are doms that know what they want. be yourself an stay true to what you belive. i hope your sub will get the message before she finds someone who could ruin her forever.

(in reply to solia)
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RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 2:36:12 PM   
TysGalilah


Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with the others who said " be yourself".
 
Tyson is a very nice man.  A polite, thoughtful southerngentleman. 
 
He has his gentle and tender moments
and then he has his sadistic tendancies and desires.
 
None of the above makes him weak, too nice or not nice enough......it is just him imo.
He holds the control through all his varied demeanors...and his smile is just as brillant when hes gently and patiently listening to me go on and on and on ( with one of my stories ) or  hes grasping me by the hair to kiss me or to place me on my knees before him.  The eyes and the voice change tho'
 
imo
mean, bully, frightening, angry, loud, abrasive does not equal dominance. 
 
 

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to mastervalentine)
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RE: Am I "too nice to be a dom"? - 3/30/2008 3:02:53 PM   
mastervalentine


Posts: 157
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThundersCry

Why someone with *master* in front of their name has to ask this question...baffles me.
 
I hope you find whatever advice your looking for...here.


It's a reasonable question, and deserving of an answer. I ask because I'm curious  about the opinions and thoughts of the community around me. (I'd like to point out that I got a good laugh out of the statement.)  It made me curious about what other opinions are on the contrasts of personal conduct and the widely varied views on what a dominant should be.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that there are so many views that all agree with eachother, given LuckyAlbatross' very clear sign that this is a very common question. (And here I thought I had something at least halfway original!) So I thank you all for not just jumping in with how tired this question must be.

Though I have to admit, I was hoping for more of a mixed view from the community, not that I have any great love of strife and conflict, but it would have made for a more interesting thread.

Thank you all for posting, your involvement in such a trivial first thread on my part really has made me feel more welcome here.

_____________________________

"If philosophy has taught me any one thing, it is that a rushed action invites disaster." ~MasterValentine

Say not, 'I have found the truth,' but rather, 'I have found a truth.' Kahlil Gibran

(in reply to ThundersCry)
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