First Munch Bad Dom

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summerblossom -> First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 3:23:52 PM)
Okay here is my story. I will have to full explain it so you understand why I am upset. I have known this guy on and off for about 6 to 7 years. We never got along in the past but managed to keep friendly by talking on yahoo messenger. One of the reasons we never got along was because the only times he wanted to come to see me is if I would give him something in return such as my submission to him. So it didin't work out but as I said we managed to keep mildly friendly over the years via messenger. A munch was in Orlando recently on a Saturday and he offered to give me a ride since he was going anyways. He even offered to pay for my membership and he was so nice and friendly about I suppose that I forgot what a pushy ass he had been in the past and went with him. It was my first munch and everything went great. I mostly stayed to myself and just observed the goings on around me and enjoyed it very much. He is into pony play and he met up with his group to do some of that. Nearing the end of our stay he took out his flogger and started to tease me with it, which made me uncomfortable because we didin't discuss anything about that but I let him do it because it seemed so innocent at the time. Anyways I asked if he would take me home because I was tired from lack of sleep, the air conditioner was broke and I was also feeling hot and stuffy. No problem, he took me home but did mention he wished I had played with him a little bit more. I ignored that mostly because I know him and know he is a little bit pushy about those things but it was innocent as he just dropped the subject and dropped me off home. I thanked him greatly for taking me and that was that. Next week comes around and we correspond by messenger and he tells me there is another munch coming up and would I like to go with him? He did make a point of saying this time that he was feeling dominant and wanted to play with me if I went. (BTW he is a switch that leans toward the dominant side and I am a switch that also leans towards the dominant side but I am also pretty much a lesbian.) He knows that I prefer women and am mostly uncomfortable with men and also knows I much prefer being dominant. I have made this perfectly clear to him on many occasions. It's no secret. When we entered into this conversation at first I was a little taken off guard because I had thought he gave up trying to push me to be his submissive. He started off sounding so nice and polite that I even considered it at first just because I like making people happy and I wanted him to be happy with me. (this is where I go wrong trying to please people). I never once told him I was going to do it, instead I asked him question after question about exactly what he would have wanted me to do and when he told me I kept mentioning how that made me uncomfortable and asked more questions. The conversation went on for a while and when I got myself together and realized he was just being super pushy I put my foot down and said ''This idea makes me very uncomfortable and it is probably best if we don't go together." Now immediatly upon me finishing saying that he didin't write for a minute or two and then came a long large post with a slew of insults and critisisms! His nice and polite demeanor vanished in seconds and he became an immediate and totall jerk. He went on and on about how im encased in a shell that ive put up around myself and he was going to bring me out of it, that I had to try new things and experience new things, that he felt pity for me no matter how hard he tried to help me I always fight him on everything, and that he is tired of trying to bring me off the internet etc etc. This was all a shock to me because I couldn't believe the bs that was spewing from him! It went on and on for a while until, finally, in a really bad mood, I ended the conversation. He also told me that I was manipulating him and that he was tired of working things out to the finest detail when it came to me and that he always had to change his plans around me. I was so upset by all of this crap I wanted to write in to the message boards about it and see what others thought because none of what he said was even remotly near the truth. I'm a very good person and I communicate well. I told him how I felt about things very clearly and he has known this all along. It just seems like the minute he didin't get his way he came down on my personal character and attacked me! I was just very hurt by it all and can't seem to get it out of my head because if I go back to the munch next saturday with someone else I know he will be there and I'm worried about that.

Pyrrsefanie -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 3:26:38 PM)
Sounds like he's a bit of a control freak/manipulator in the bad sort of way. If you've got someone with you at the munch -- preferably a big, burly bodyguard type friend who can step in if needed -- I say go, but just avoid him at all costs. Don't talk to him, don't look at him, don't sit near him, and if he tries to initiate contact, politely excuse yourself and walk away. Keep your friend with you at all times so that he doesn't have the opportunity to get you alone and try to exert his "dominance" over you. If you guys don't get along, though -- why even bother keeping in contact? Block him and move on.

ominousdominus -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 3:31:51 PM)
My quick response- He's a douche. Whatever he has to say at this point is irrelevant, period. He has identified himself for the dick that he is and you don't need to engage in any discussion with him at all. Set a boundary, stick to it, ignore his reaction and always be true to YOURSELF. Also-Pyrrsefanie's advice is sound, take it.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 3:33:36 PM)
You knew he was pushy from the get go. To assume that his motives were not self serving was a mistake on your part. Why did you behave like such a total pleaser that even though you are mostly lesbian you continued to be nice and in his eyes string him along? Do you have to have everyone love you? Do you have issues stemming from abuse in the past from a male that is getting in the way of a positive relationship? You didn't want him and yet you continued to be his "friend".You need to figure out why you felt you had to keep this "pushy" guy in your life and where THAT stems from.

Aileen1968 -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 3:37:30 PM)
Sounds to me like the guy continuously hits on you and then you get to act surprised and offended that he keeps on hitting on you. If it bothers you so much then why do you continue to talk to him and go to munches with him when you know what he's going to do?

summerblossom -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 3:49:31 PM)
For the last two. I never strung him along at all. I hardly think speaking by only messenger once in a great while is being someones friend either. And about being nice. I am mostly a nice person that is just the way I am and I don't see anything wrong with that at all. I am also not a total 'people pleaser' I just like to see people happy and there is a difference as I always keep my boundaries. And as I said before I don't see having someone on a yahoo messenger and corresponding with them once in a great while as being a 'friend' or even keeping them in my life. If someone was in my life it would be much more than a messenger and seeing them once in a blue moon. But that being said I will not see him again or have him on my messenger. And usually my outlook on people isin't as positive but I was trying to be positive, give him the benifit of the doubt and see if he had changed in the 7 years I've known him. Usually most people mature over that time and I thought he had. Yes that was my mistake but I still don't feel I deserved how he treated me.

MissLily -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 3:51:02 PM)
I'm really sorry for the unplesantness. But, hope you learned that you can't deal with him. He sounds like a moron anyway, so why bother. It's not as if you owe him anyway! Block him, move on and avoid him in the scene. Best of luck, Miss Lily

Gemini1766 -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 3:52:39 PM)
IMO, you did nothing to deserve it. You've made your position clear, you've communicated it frequently, etc. He is the problem.

basheera -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 3:57:14 PM)
Well summer, all I can say is to stop having contact with him and being his "friend." You know he is pushy, you know he is more dominant, and you opened yourself up for his drama by going to the munch in his car and accepting his payment of your membership card. I mean all those things indicate to any person that the relationship (what it may be) is positive and could possibly go on. You say you have known him for a long time and that you have made you plight clear to him, but then you go against your better judgment because you aim to please? It doesn't make sense. They guy is fire...so stop playing with him and getting burnt.

LadyPaige -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 4:10:42 PM)
To some people just continuing to be polite is encouragement. You didn't do anything wrong, but it's something to learn from.

Abraxus -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 4:23:39 PM)
...

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 4:24:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 Why did you behave like such a total pleaser that even though you are mostly lesbian you continued to be nice and in his eyes string him along? Do you have to have everyone love you? Do you have issues stemming from abuse in the past from a male that is getting in the way of a positive relationship? You didn't want him and yet you continued to be his "friend".You need to figure out why you felt you had to keep this "pushy" guy in your life and where THAT stems from. While I no longer tend to be quite that naive, I probably would have gone along with all of her behaviors myself- not because I'm a people pleaser, but just because I like to give people chances to be decent people, and because I'm willingt o close my eyes to a few annoyances to enjoy the whole of something when it's just starting out. She didn't fool herself into thinking this guy was completely what he wasn't and she wasn't expecting anything out of him other than continuing decent if pushy behavior and the real problems started when she DID decide "enough is enough, no thanks." The only real issues I see here are that she's letting his behavior effect her so much now and is allowing it to interfere with her own choices on going to the munch. Chica go- enjoy yourself, be polite but very cool towards him if he attempts any social interaction. He has no ground to stand on.

Real_Trouble -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 4:25:58 PM)
My quick thoughts: 1) Tell him to fuck off, mean it, and refuse to deal with him. If you are serious about it, act like it. 2) If I refused to go everywhere that I had met a person that I disliked, I'd be unable to leave my condo. Good luck!

Abraxus -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 4:26:06 PM)
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mistoferin -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 4:27:41 PM)
oops grrrrr........that was me posting....I will get it right eventually!!!! Oh brother..........I hope that you will take this in the spirit intended. I almost passed this whole post right by...but you did ask for opinions. I am pretty sure that mine will be one that you don't care much for but it is my honest interpretation of it. In your post you say that you are a good communicator. I would beg to differ if that post is an accurate description of your interactions with that Dom. You are a terrible communicator who doesn't know how to clearly express her boundaries UP FRONT. You WERE leading him on. You were not being clear about where the lines were. You kept making excuses about why you did not express the way you were really feeling in regards to his advances (it was innocent so I let it go, he sounded so nice that I considered it at first, etc.). You were far too evasive about where your boundaries lie and honestly I get a sense that maybe you might not be entirely convicted on where they are yourself. You went out with a guy you weren't interested in at all. You allowed his pushy advances. You tolerated his rudeness (or might it have been sheer frustration?) and continued to converse in spite of it for quite some time. If you really were as good at communication as you think you are, certainly after 7 years he would know where your boundaries and interests lie. If you really "keep your boundaries", after 7 years he would certainly know that you would not tolerate or be pushed into things you did not want to do.

katie978 -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 4:43:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: summerblossom "I'm a very good person and I communicate well." Obviously, you don't communicate well. You led him on for ages, although he was a pushy ass and made you uncomfortable. You went to a munch and PLAYED WITH HIM, 'cause, whatever, it felt good at the time. He kept mentioning he wanted to play with you OVER and OVER, and you just ignored him instead of saying no. He made what he wanted from you perfectly clear, and whether or not he stepped back a bit from being a pushy ass from time to time, he clearly refused to accept that you were not interested-since you apparently wouldn't flat out tell him so. I understand you wanted to be polite. "I'm not comfortable" obviously wasn't getting through his thick skull, however, and you needed to put your foot down long ago and stop talking to him. Yes, it's fun to have someone online you can chat with and flirt with a little bit now and again. However, no matter how innocently you were talking with him for those 7 years, clearly there was still a sexual aspect to your chats. He was frustrated, he lashed out. He wasn't right to do so, but you definitely gave him reason to suspect he'd be getting more out of you than he did. It's so easy to fall in the "Oh, I'm a woman, I'm the victim!" thing, but look at it from his point of view. A pretty girl agreed to go out with him, agreed to PLAY with him, agreed to go out with him again. Shouldn't he expect you'd play with him again as well?

SunnyTawse -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 4:53:59 PM)
From my POV, it's important that you don't let him push you out of your space in the community. If you have friends or a friend you can hang with at the munch, then by all means, go. Tell them you'd like to stay away from this guy, so they can help you avoid him. No big long story is necessary (unless you feel like talking it over with them)--"He's too pushy and I'm uncomfortable around him" is enough. Maybe get your friends to practice with you so you can begin to feel comfortable being more assertive. Have them say the very same things he said to you, and then practice turning them down. I would think it would be helpful to keep in mind that the sooner you express your feelings, the better... i.e., the minute it dawns on you that a conversation is going somewhere you don't want to go, say, "Oh, no, no... I wouldn't be comfortable with that at all." Don't continue to ask questions--that demonstrates interest. Block his IMs and don't talk to him at all. You've been sending him all the wrong signals. You haven't really done anything wrong other than not be true to yourself. You don't deserve to be treated poorly--no one does. But it's better to avoid these situations than having to extricate yourself from them. And summer... you don't owe anyone anything. Your submission isn't a good form of exchange for friendship. A good form of exchange for friendship is returning friendship with friendship. Best of luck! Sadien Domina Sunny Tawse http://AthnorLodge.com

cuddlemesoft -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 4:54:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: summerblossom I never once told him I was going to do it, instead I asked him question after question about exactly what he would have wanted me to do and when he told me I kept mentioning how that made me uncomfortable and asked more questions. The conversation went on for a while and when I got myself together and realized he was just being super pushy I put my foot down and said ''This idea makes me very uncomfortable and it is probably best if we don't go together." I am wondering why you kept asking questions. If someone asked me questions and encouraging me to explain what I wanted to do to them I would assume that they are wanting to hear it so if they turned around and were offended by my words that would be confusing. (not that listening to someone gives them any right or implied permission to act on such things) My only advice would have been to nip that in the butt right away. Soon as he said anything that you were uncomfortable with you might have said "No I'm not interested" right away. Letting him talk wasn't polite. If he were a really nice guy (or woman) proposing something sexual and you let them go on and prodded them with questions of what do you mean and then flatly turned them down...well that would be rude. So just because he is pushy that isn;'t polite and when faced with him or anyone like him it could become dangerous. So take care of yourself first and be direct and dont think you are doing anyone any favors by letting them continue if you have no real interest in what they are proposing.

CalifChick -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 5:00:18 PM)
Is this a munch followed by a play party? Or is it just a play party? I'm confused. Cali

DesFIP -> RE: First Munch Bad Dom (3/30/2008 5:28:43 PM)
You thought that by IMing him from time to time that you were being friendly. Unfortunately it sounds like he read it as though you were flirting/teasing. You also should have called him on his behavior with the flogger the moment it happened. He's interpreting that not as you trying to avoid a scene, but as flirting. You read each other wrong. Was it correct of him to come back like that? Certainly not, but he's feeling manipulated and pissed off. Hopefully once he calms down he will resolve to act like an adult. Go to the munch with a friend, if he says hi, then nod back. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into interacting. If he starts talking to you, excuse yourself to talk to someone else. Walk away. If he gets out of control verbally, then you need to stay in control and not respond. If you take the high road and just say, when asked about it, we aren't compatible and I hope he meets someone he is compatible with, or some such, then people will respect you and disrespect him.

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