Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why?

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Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 11:13:20 AM

jimmyrook

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Joined: 2/5/2008
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i have always heard from people that no one wants a desperate person or that desperation is unattractive.
i have never understood this. to me desperation has always been very attractive. when see that a person is openly desperate i see them as being honest as opposed to putting up a front and playing games.

what are your thoughts?

also what do you feel about a potential master or dom that shows emotional vulnerability?

Post #: 1

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 11:21:07 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

For the first part of the question: As a former Domme, I tended to shy away from desperate male subs. I wasn't looking for 24/7, or for devotion, just the chance to work with someone to help make their fantasies come true and to help them to feel more comfortable with themselves.

For the second part: Yes, I find it endearing in a Dom to have him show emotional vulnerability from time to time. I want to see His heart, not just follow commands. I travel a lot on business, and hearing "I miss you" from the man that I most adore is wonderful. If He is having a problem with a vanilla situation and I can help, it thrills me. If He didn't show vulnerability from time to time I could never have built up the trust in Him that I have.

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RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 11:27:20 AM

OmegaG

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Desperation to me, indicates that a person feels that they are defective void a relationship, any relationship and that means that their judgement is skewed and they will take the first person that comes along regardless of compatibility or a good foundation for a long lasting relationship.

Desperate people tend to hop from one relationship to another always wondering why they are so miserable. They either find themselves unhappy, find themselves spending all their energy conforming so they don't loose the relationship or the other person tires of the clingy half formed person who's only goal is to be in a relationship.

I'd rather be with and be the person who feels that a relationship enhances my life, not that being a part of a couple validates me as a person.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to jimmyrook)

Post #: 3

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 11:34:10 AM

Sirsinini

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I agree with OmegaG.

There is no honesty in desperation.

There is honesty in vulnerability.

Sir's devoted inini

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 4

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 11:39:06 AM

lanie38

Posts: 120
Joined: 9/14/2007
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A nay on the desperation but yay on showing emotional vulnerability...

Desperation, at least to me, reeks of lost of control, co-dependance, self-esteem issues...not my cup of tea...

_____________________________

Don't be so humble...you're not that great. ~ Golda Meir

(in reply to jimmyrook)

Post #: 5

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 11:46:05 AM

Viridana

Posts: 754
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desperation indicates that one's judgement isn't quite in the place that it should be to make logical and right decisions for oneself. And that is a package that I do not want to be a part of with other people

(in reply to lanie38)

Post #: 6

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 12:06:47 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Desperation tends to mean they want anybody, any warm body, not that they are desperately head over heels in love with me. Because they're not going to be head over heels if we haven't even met for coffee.

As far as emotional vulnerability goes, if I'm going to be vulnerable to him then he has to be vulnerable to me. I can't do it if I don't get it back. But I'm very clear that I am not service driven, nor have an obedience kink, instead I'm in this for the emotional transparency. I need to be known and loved down to the depths of me.

_____________________________

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Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Viridana)

Post #: 7

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 12:23:17 PM

RCdc

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Desperation can be attractive, but it depends on the context.
If you know the person well, desperation can be attractive, arousing or humiliating - depending.
On someone who is showing desperation without knowledge or familiarity, it can suck.

Emotional vulnerability in anyone isn't a bad thing unless it becomes an attention seeking habitual occurance.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to jimmyrook)

Post #: 8

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 12:43:45 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
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I like to feel desperate as his submissive. I don't like to get that vibe from my Dominant. I also wouldn't want to be desperate outside of him.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to jimmyrook)

Post #: 9

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 1:01:16 PM

jimmyrook

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Joined: 2/5/2008
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first i wanna thank everyone that replied so far for giving a serious answer.

after considering the answers i've gotten so far i think that i still have the same belief that showing desperation is honest. i think everyone is desperate, except for people that have. it is like being hungry. you may have not eaten in awhile, sure you will lower your standards of what you consider food. but that is not dishonest. you are honestly hungry. the one who says they are not desperate either has enough to lots of their favorite foods in front of them or they are lying and dealing with their desperation some other way. like some people smoke. some drink. some work. some watch tv for hours. and so on...

i dont think desperation has any thing to do with self esteem. i for example think i am a great person. but at the same time if i cant find someone else that i think is great to share myself with then i feel lonely. and that is not me feeling bad about myself. its just me feeling lonely.

the problem is that i feel like i have a better chance of meeting someone if i pretend that i dont feel lonely. this is a great dilema for me. because if i meet someone on false pretenses than i feel like i have not really met them. and they have not really met me. and then instead of being lonely by myself i am now lonely in the presence of another person with whom i am trying to keep up an appearance with. and that is the worst.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 10

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 1:03:00 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
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From: Charleston, WV
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Desperation speaks of low self esteem to me. Someone who is desperate to have another love or approve of them doesn't often love or approve of themselves. I understand how these people can draw others; someone working from the Shadow aspects of the Resuer, Knight or Parent are there to create a relationship. But, I see it as becoming a negative co-dependent (rather than a positive one) relationship.

As for a Dom/Master who shows emotion...I'm still a person and I still have feelings. If someone can't handle me expressing my full range of emotions, they have no business being with me.

Master Fire

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The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to jimmyrook)

Post #: 11

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 1:15:40 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

I believe there is a difference between the desperation you are speaking of - and being honest about being lonely. I do not believe that just because someone is lonely, you have to lie you are not, I also do not believe you have to lower your standards or be less true to yourself, but recognise those things you can compromise upon.

Do not settle. But consider compromise.

I would also consider and recommend you looking up and doing a search on here and google for 'frnezy'. You do get more posts about sub frenzy, but dominants get it just as much, and you do not have to be new to have it happen to you.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to jimmyrook)

Post #: 12

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 1:28:39 PM

OmegaG

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Joined: 10/23/2007
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I have never been so hungry that I will eat food that I detest.

But to go with your analogy, you get so hungry that you will lower your standards and eat anything, that doesn't mean that you will change your diet permanently, you will still not like the food and you will stop eating it once you are sated.

It still would trouble me that a person chose to be with me because they were so unhappy with being alone. I think that people need to be happy with themselves before they can be happy with someone else.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to jimmyrook)

Post #: 13

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 1:33:55 PM

SL4V3M4YB3

Posts: 3506
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: S.E. London U.K.
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SR

I’m desperate so I’ll settle for a desperate person. As long as they have the right parts I’m not fussy. Damn picky people never know when they are lucky.

I'm so desperate I'm even posting in the wrong section damnit.

< Message edited by SL4V3M4YB3 -- 3/31/2008 1:38:36 PM >

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Memory Lane...been there done that.

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Post #: 14

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 1:35:10 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

i
also what do you feel about a potential master or dom that shows emotional vulnerability?

emotional vulnerability is something i cherish from my Sir. He trust me enough to show me part of him that he doesn't show to anyone else. I don't know that i would want to be subjected to all of a doms angst when first meeting them , but as relationships develope you have to know some of those things to understand where they are coming from.

I would generalize and state that women are more comfortable being the recipient of these vulnerabilities than men, just because we are better at dealing with it.

Anyway - emotional vulnerability - good

(in reply to jimmyrook)

Post #: 15

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 1:38:01 PM

Poetryinpain

Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
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There are some very wise people on these boards, and so far all those who have posted are among them. Too many to pick out individuals, because I'd surely leave some out, and I wouldn't mean to.

There's a difference between being hungry for food and being hungry for a relationship. You can't physically live without food for very long, but you can exist without a relationship. The key to me is making that life-without-a-relationship as full and meaningful as you can. Surprisingly, it frequently happens that when you are content in being without a relationship one comes along. I'm not settling for anything that presents itself just because I'm not currently in a relationship. I am living my life as fully as I can, available for the right relationship, but not desperate for it.

As for the vulnerable dominant, that is not an oxymoron. Anyone who appeared to be non-volnerable would seem suspicious to me. Not showing vulnerability would, IMO, be more of a lie than not showing desperation.

pip, serenely awaiting ...

_____________________________

There is none so blind as he who will not see.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 16

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 1:45:45 PM

MissMorrigan

Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

Well said, the.dark. I think the crux is whether each are known well to one another. If not, then I understand people finding such desperation unattractive, perhaps even pathetic. But known to one another, and well, it can stir a range of emotions and I, personally, enjoy driving a person to the point their longing has exceeded the mark and to the point they feel that desperation I take enjoyment in experiencing.

As for emotional vulnerability, it was once said that no man is an island. We're sociable creatures, we need companionship and part of succeeding in formulating healthy relationships is to entrust our emotions to others.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
Desperation can be attractive, but it depends on the context.
If you know the person well, desperation can be attractive, arousing or humiliating - depending.
On someone who is showing desperation without knowledge or familiarity, it can suck.

Emotional vulnerability in anyone isn't a bad thing unless it becomes an attention seeking habitual occurance.

the.dark.

_____________________________

The Tooth Fairy who teaches kids to sell body parts for money.

A free society is a society where it is safe to find one's self unpopular and where history has shown that exceptions are not that exceptional.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 17

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 1:46:03 PM

hopelesslyInvo

Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline

i think your meaning of desperation and "ours" is a bit different. it looks like you're speaking of emotions and so forth like vulnerability, but i believe that's moreso in the area of simply being lonely, not desperate to find someone... anyone... like uh now? soon? i mean... would you be with me? no? but i'm right here right now! well do you have a friend then? or know someone else?! c'mon c'mon help i need someone now!!!!

that's the sort of desperation people are surely referring to and causes so much disgust. it's not just that they're lonely or vulnerable, it's that they're unreasonable, overbearing, not very aware, selfish, and not particular of who or where they find their "fix" in the least. it leads people to act stupid, make asses of themselves, and make very dumb and unthought out choices that more than 1 person will probably end up regretting. aside from all that, it's extremely overbearing, and not the sort of quality most would enjoy. but i would go so far as to think someone suffering from depression and about as vulnerable as it gets shouldn't be assumed to be desperate, and most of the people i see showing desperation are both selfish and have little control over themselves, but really have little need or ability to partake in the things they seek.

i think issues of self esteem are hard to look at, as they often don't seem to really have low self esteem, just misplaced pride, and strange insecurities from not having a partner or whatever. in their sort of "ranting" i often hear things like "oh my god why doesn't anyone like me, i'm practically awesome, i'm attractive, i'm nice, i'm devoted, i'm a gentleman, what the hell is wrong with these people, is the whole world stupid, i shouldn't have to suffer like this?!" and i sort of get the impression someone "desperate" will look down, even on the person who would be with them. pretty much everything they seem to do is so irrational i wonder why it isn't enough to be committed, some of them really get hysterical and lose all sense of reason.

i think the people who truley do have low self esteem will be the ones so down on themselves that they accept their feelings to a degree that even if someone showed interest, they would dismiss it and think that person is mistaken or trying to hurt them. other depressed or lonely people are quite sadly easily manipulated and controlled. having something they never expected can lead them to go along with anything, or make them worry that if they don't that they'll be alone again.

i guess it's all a sad state of affairs, and it won't always be so cut and dry like i've written or easy to put a finger on. but i think the desperation most people are referring to and turned off by is the overbearing in your face "take me take me, me me me me" stuff.

(in reply to jimmyrook)

Post #: 18

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 2:50:11 PM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

Desperation...

Depends on what one is desperate for...

Being desperate enough to make changes in my life...saved me.

As far as being emotionally vulnerable to someone...

I found alot of freedom in it once I took the risk...sadly...I was in my 40`s before I became willing to and it was a result of a m/s/d/s realtionship...

Thats being real....and thats being raw...

If the so called *lifestyle* taught me anything it was that one had to be able to be gut wrenching honest if two parties were willing to go into those kind of relationships/dynamics....

To hand that to just anyone...no.

Will I take that risk again? Of course...if I expect someone to become vulnerbale to and before me...they get the same in return...part of the exchange of...power.

Peace...

(in reply to hopelesslyInvo)

Post #: 19

RE: Is Desperation Taboo. if so. why? - 3/31/2008 3:18:03 PM

windchymes

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Joined: 4/18/2005
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I see the point you're making, OP, but sometimes, too much honestly and openness can be a bad thing.

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You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

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Post #: 20

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