RE: ~~The Ever Elusive Commonality of Common Sense~~

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RE: ~~The Ever Elusive Commonality of Common Sense~~ - 3/31/2008 6:28:08 PM

LadyHibiscus

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If someone thinks that they are going to walk into a poly situation and have everything all sparkly from the get-go, they are just nuts. It's hard enough for two people to get along and keep moving forward, let alone three or more.

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RE: ~~The Ever Elusive Commonality of Common Sense~~ - 3/31/2008 6:32:39 PM

Floggings4You

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I think common sense is crucial. Things happen, even in a one-on-one 'vanilla' relationship; someone has to work late, someone gets sick, the car breaks down, etc.

In a poly relationship (I'm married, and have a collared submissive lady, wish whom I spend time, as well as My wife--yes, My wife and My sub have met several times, and know about the roles they each play in My life; no one is cheating here!) this is made even more difficult.

Being flexible and understanding is key, and even then, it's going to take a great deal more work--and a great deal more patience--then a monogamous D/s relationship (which itself takes more communication than a monogamous vanilla relationship, etc.)

I think your approach to looking for a second partner is a good one, and shows quite a bit of common sense...

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RE: ~~The Ever Elusive Commonality of Common Sense~~ - 3/31/2008 7:15:56 PM

Leatherist

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People who live in fantasy worlds expect things to be happily ever after.

People who live in fantasy worlds also dislike thinking about the work it takes to make it happen.

So when I see a profile about "the one".....or "total commitment that lasts the rest of our days"

I know I am looking at the ravings of a fool-and I move on.

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RE: ~~The Ever Elusive Commonality of Common Sense~~ - 3/31/2008 8:01:53 PM

Noah

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

If someone thinks that they are going to walk into a poly situation and have everything all sparkly from the get-go, they are just nuts. It's hard enough for two people to get along and keep moving forward, let alone three or more.

I agree. This thread has so much good sensible advice. So glad it started.

And as for "work" vs. "fun" in a relationship, let's pay attention to the fact that it isn't--or needn't be--anywhere near so black and white. The activity that could reasonably be called the hard work of a relationship can be fulfilling and deeply rewarding in itself, independant of the positive effect is has on the relationship as a whole. Some of the fun can be just this way too, but then some of it can be shallow fluff, or even maladaptive distraction from where the energy might better be going that day.

Some of any relationship is easy, some of any relationship is difficult. It just isn't the case that the easy stuff is the good part and the hard part the bad stuff--unless, once again one is taking some fairy tale approach to things.

As for thinking things through, a human being can't think all the way through a dozen moves in a game of chess. This person who claims one should be able to think through a poly relationship from start to happily ever after sounds terribly unrealistic to me.

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RE: ~~The Ever Elusive Commonality of Common Sense~~ - 3/31/2008 8:36:15 PM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah
It just isn't the case that the easy stuff is the good part and the hard part the bad stuff--unless, once again one is taking some fairy tale approach to things.

Good point. Sometimes the hard part is the best stuff.

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RE: ~~The Ever Elusive Commonality of Common Sense~~ - 4/1/2008 9:59:02 AM

SteelofUtah

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah

And as for "work" vs. "fun" in a relationship, let's pay attention to the fact that it isn't--or needn't be--anywhere near so black and white. The activity that could reasonably be called the hard work of a relationship can be fulfilling and deeply rewarding in itself, independant of the positive effect is has on the relationship as a whole. Some of the fun can be just this way too, but then some of it can be shallow fluff, or even maladaptive distraction from where the energy might better be going that day.

Some of any relationship is easy, some of any relationship is difficult. It just isn't the case that the easy stuff is the good part and the hard part the bad stuff--unless, once again one is taking some fairy tale approach to things.

As for thinking things through, a human being can't think all the way through a dozen moves in a game of chess. This person who claims one should be able to think through a poly relationship from start to happily ever after sounds terribly unrealistic to me.

Noah,

As a General rule I like your posts, this one however really made me think so Thank you for that. On these things that I have been thinking comes the idea behind my Signature.

Awhile ago I met a girl, I WANTED her, I mean I set out to make her MINE. I made it a point to be where she was going to be, I learned what I could from those who knew her and one day after a munch I envited her out to coffe at a cafe I managed. I wanted to Impress her. I took her somewhere where everyone would know me and ask me questions about coffee (Coffee was one of her passions I should tell you.) Well it worked. She decided she liked me and we started to forge a relationship.

This is where the Problem came. I later learned that I didn't really want HER I wanted the Idea of her. I really didn't know much about her at all, I just knew that she was cute and adorable and she looked FANTASTIC tied up.

The first few weeks were fine and I was happy to have my "lil one" and the image that was presented to the outside world was the Normal Rockwell Time Life cover of all times.

Then the first month ended and things started to progress into reality. We faught A LOT, Knock down drag out Control Based fights where she would eventually end up crying and tying to hurt herself. The young "Master" that I was set out to FIX her. (I hope everyone is getting the subtle hints I'm dropping about my own stupidity here) I started working on the home life all the time. I was trying to change everylast thing I didn't like about her and still manage not to fight with her everyday.

Both of us had this preconcieved notion that we were supposed to stay in this god awful relationship because of duty or honor or simply because I was a "Master" and she needed me to fix her. and she was a slave and needed to be fixed.

A LONG LONG road has been traveled since this time but I remember this lesson well because when it ended and I was completely lost as to how something that was supposed to be so perfect could have ended so completely awful.

My "Mentor" at the time asked me what I learned.

"Nothing worth having wil ever come easy, but just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's worth having."

Now I know I painted myself in a poor light in this story and that is because I was a large part of the problem, I however was not the ONLY part, I have left out MOST of what happned in the relationhsip because I don't really want to discuss a failed relationship that failed for MANY reasons. The point is that I expected because I wanted her and that I worked so hard to get her that the relationship was supposed to succeed when in reality I only know what I wanted and I tried to make someone fit into the mold I created.

Common Sense is something I think needs to be learned, however being Teachable is a trait many don't have.

Steel

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RE: ~~The Ever Elusive Commonality of Common Sense~~ - 4/1/2008 6:25:41 PM

LadyPact

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I have two statements to begin. One that most people have heard, being that common sense isn't common. The other might be less known, but I think the OP might be familiar with, being expectations are potential breeding ground for resentments.

As to the question posed, common sense ranks quite high on My list when looking at a potential submissive. In fact, it's higher up there than great intelligence. I say this because I have met some of the most educated people, who didn't have a lick of common sense, and they irritated the hell out of Me. Give Me a submissive who doesn't have to have more than initial instruction, but has the capability to carry things out, and I'm quite pleased. I don't want to micromanage everything and I certainly don't want to have to play overseer just to get simple things accomplished in and expedient manner.

Regarding the thought of expectations on how anyone will transition from mono to poly, personally, I would change the term. I wouldn't call it an expectation. I would call it a plan. More along the lines of how I envision it working. My thoughts, ideas, and hopes for a successful house. How well that would work would much depend on the people and the situations involved. Afterall, as soon as you add a new element to your home, there's going to be the unexpected. There are personalities to contend with, schedules, unexpected life events, etc.

I think I may have gotten ahead of Myself, Steel. I should mention that this was how it worked in My personal situation. Like you, I didn't come to this idea all on My own. My husband, like your girl, was involved in this process. It was something we knew we wanted together. There were plenty of talks. Discussions on how the house would run, and what established rules that we would live by. Truthfully, not all of them worked. We made adjustments as we went along. The process itself really doesn't ever stop evolving. There were changes and adjustments made. In a sense, I would say they are still being made as the three of us grow together. I'm sure it will happen again, when we look for a fourth.

Back to the point. Rather than an expectation, I would suggest that you work firmly on a plan. Get a set idea on how you foresee things running in your house when you add a third, and be willing to understand that the plan might have some changes. Explain this to your prospects openly. That it is a work that the three of you will engage in together. The new person will have a part in it, so that you will have a successful poly family. It might be then that you will see if the potential new addition, truly has common sense.

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RE: ~~The Ever Elusive Commonality of Common Sense~~ - 4/1/2008 6:35:41 PM

KCherry

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I tend to not be bothered by people who are less than a rocket scientist on one occasion which is they know that they may not have 2 brain cells to rub together and they are reasonable to advice/direction, that sorta thing. On the idea that relationships should just work, love doesn't fix anything. It takes work and generally people don't change.

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RE: ~~The Ever Elusive Commonality of Common Sense~~ - 4/1/2008 6:47:06 PM

epiphany

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It's way up there on the list, right along with a good mind. The ability to be flexable and work through things is vital.

We have been through phases and changes throughout our relationship, the one constant was our friendship and desire to have each other in our lives. Sometimes we hurt each other without intending to, sometimes we got a bit lost, we have even had to take a step back a couple of times.

All of that served to help us know each other the better, understand each other and whats important to us. It bonded us and strengthened our relationship. It hasn't always been a bed of roses...far from it. Now, however, we have settled into a nice comfortable place with each other. We know who we are together and seperately, and we know we will get through whatever comes . We have already proven to each other that we won't run when things get difficult, and that we will work it out, and be kind to each other while doing that.

People see us together and talk about our "energy" with each other, and wanting to find that. We didn't "find it" damn it, we built that shit from scratch, starting with friendship and a healthy dose of lust, lol. It didn't just happen.

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RE: ~~The Ever Elusive Commonality of Common Sense~~ - 4/4/2008 8:37:38 PM

UncleNasty

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Steel,

Acknowledging, owning and overcoming my flaws is a part of my strength. I'm still a work in progress. I aspire to perfection and am well aware I am not there yet. I expect I never will be. I made up a quote about myself that unfortunately fits me better than I comfortably admit, "I know I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I fail to remember that at the times it would do me the most good."

As for your original intent with this post I have written a couple of journal entries along these lines. I beleive all relationships require work. Sometimes new work and sometimes maintainence. Stop doing it and it is doomed to fail. Active, effective participation by both, or all, is required. One cannot do the work for another so no one gets a pass.

Even our vehicles require regular maintainence, and they don't have complex human emotions. Would that they could do some of the work themsleves though. I'd love to have a truck that could change its own oil, LOL.

Disney, happily ever after, the one..... Many words can describe the unrealistic fantasy. One that sticks out for me is "soul mate." I say Pshaw to all of them. Soul mates aren't merely stumbled upon, found or lucked into. That is a relationship that is built over time with effort, dedication, flexibility, creative problem solving.

One mentioned that perhaps the best things come out of the hardest work. A bell of truth rings on that one for me. Slaying dragons together can be powerfull and can deepen and solidify connections.

I find some of my greatest pleasures, some of the things I like best about being deeply connected with another, come in the simplest tasks of everyday living - folding sheets, preparing meals, raking leaves, working in the garden, etc. They also provide plenty of opportunity to be playful.

.02 cents please.

Uncle Nasty

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RE: ~~The Ever Elusive Commonality of Common Sense~~ - 4/4/2008 9:17:33 PM

MaamJay

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I really like what lots of people have said here! LadyPact, I tend to call it a vision rather than a plan ... for My scientific mind, a plan is a series of established steps that should attain a known end result ... and relationships aren't that predictable! But I thoroughly agree that it's necessary whatever it's called, to have a clear view and be able to describe the sort of poly you want to create. And Master and I discussed this at length before I began searching for a sub for Me ... getting down to details where they were important (like sleeping arrangements, I want to be upfront with a potential sub on this one so there are no false hopes) ... leaving it at generalities where We know We can be more flexible.

Like You Steel, I would discount people who thought they could walk in and everything would be instantly hunky-dory ... the only reasonable expectation is that W/we ALL have to expect to work at it. But there should be a certain level of "fit" to start out ... hard to quantify but maybe 80-90%? By fit I mean shared goals, vision, needs, limits, likes and dislikes in everyday things etc ... and then it's a matter of sense, and willingness to work at it to sort out the rest as you go! Have been talking to a potential lately and the fit seems to be there on paper, can't wait to meet to see how well it works in person! What I like most about him so far is that he has a realistic view of how this would work ... can't put a price on that!

Finally, Uncle Nasty, couldn't agree more with what you said about being connected with the simple tasks of everyday living ... and being playful. You'd only have to see Master and I at the supermarket to attest to that!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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