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.What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/1/2008 3:20:01 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I am brainstorming people.
There have been a couple of posts on what are termed 'newbie' forums which had me thinking.  Now, to keep this as clear as I can, lets define the term 'newbie'.  For me, it indicates someone who has just started exploring BDSM, dating and meeting people who are interested in kink or authority based relationships or someone new to a particular area of BDSM.  So how do you define the word 'newbie'?
 
I am not big on having a newbie forum, as I believe they single out the vulnerable - my personal opinion on the matter - but it did make me think to question, what would and do you believe are positive points for new BDSMer's to look into?  What is your advice for them?  What books would you recommend?  Or websites and reading matter?  What common sense practises?  Which terms, out of the hundred out there, would you urge them to look into?  How about munch ettiquettes?  Frenzy definitions? Core terms and phrases we throw around on the forum every day which would have a new poster or reader going - 'huh'?
 
the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction
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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/1/2008 3:28:54 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Relationships whether kink or non require the same basic skills; communication, trust, honesty and the absence of fear. If you don't have those skills in your nonkink relationships, you won't suddenlty and magically acquire them once a flogger comes into the picture.

Figure out what you need and what you won't tolerate; deal breakers and must haves. And don't settle for less because that way the relationship is doomed and resentment will enter the picture.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/1/2008 3:39:14 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Love that advice - thanks Celeste!
 
the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/1/2008 3:40:04 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Top/Dom/Master - The person with the power/control (heavily contended in semantics)
bottom/sub/slave - The person relinquishing control (equally contented)
Switch - A peson who can take both above roles
WIITWD- What it is that we do
Rack- Risk Aware Consentual Kink
SSC- Safe Sane Consentual
Vanilla - somone not involved in the livestyle/scene
Play/Scene - Basically a period of time in which you are involved in BDSM activities
Top from the bottom - when a submissive consciously trys to direct the Dominant

I recomend
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glossary_of_BDSM     - Its got the basics of pretty much all D/s terms, I put the ones above up because they were the ones that threw me a bit right at the start.

I really recomend reading blogs - www.alt.com has some amazingly detailed blogs on there, and some post very regularly so you can gage how other people cope in similar situations

Books, I really recomend the ethical slut its a fantasticly liberating read

My advice, take EVERYTHING you read with a pinch of salt, there isnt one way to do something, you dont have to worry about doing anything right or wrong, the biggest thing to worry about is being safe. When you first discover this side to you often you want to run around and explore it all (frenzy), bust seriously there are a million new sensations emotions and feelings that you will be able to experiance, its great you dont want to rush it and ruin them. You can take it slow build yourself up learn what you like and dont like. People will tell you how to do things, you will be told you are fake, not enough, not good enough, it really sucks to hear but seriously forget about it. Its your life and you are allowed to do with it what you want. There isnt a progression through the ranks if all you want to do is lie down and be someones footstall then thats ok.

The way that other people live their lives is the way that works for them, it isnt one size fits all. Never be afraid to ask questions and if people get all funny and tell you that they haev heard it a million times dont be disheartened we have all been there, just ignore people who say that and ask someone else. Almost all answers will be communicate, its fundemental. Lots  of wiitwd is based heavily on trust, to trust someone and be trusted you have to be honest, its hard to get used to that but it will come.

If you keep finding people that dont interest you thats fine, dont loose faith in it all, like you people find themselves wanting differant things, you will have nasty messages and shocking messages and people that approach it differantly to you, try not to be offended.

At events, dont giggle at people no matter how 'funny' you may think they look, just be approcable, for Doms you cant jsut wander up to a sub and demand play, its kinda frowned upon. and subs be a bit responsible, you could be putting yourself into a potentially harmful situation, just becuase you want to try new things doesnt mean drop common sense.

Im sure theres more but I think im rambling and may have missed the point of the thread






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I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/1/2008 3:45:40 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		You haven't missed the point of the thread at all colouredinone and you rock.
I love the thought of reading blogs.  People don't do enough of that I feel personally.  I also think it is great to read blogs by BDSMers that are a mixed bag too - not just BDSM based - I read a handful of blogs of some posters here (I won't say who, but they know who they are) and the thing I love about them is that they include everything - from BDSM related topics to the whole mundane, kitchen sink life that we experience to.  It's something I find brings me right back down to earth.
 
the.dark.

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/1/2008 4:09:00 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I find these tend to cover pretty much all the basic ground.

My advice for Novice Female Submissives

Newbie!

At a loss

I'm a new domme seeking advice

Does a slave also have to be a fool?

sub: totally new concept

Questions for other newbies

The Journey

Starting Out

New to the Life, Help

How to deal?

Request for Advice

Advice please: Relationships, bdsm, love and boundaries

First time sub seeking you advice- how to find the right master?

First time sub seeking advice

a newbie seeking advice

How can I be a great sub?

Brand new life

Help needed

Emotional Rollercoaster

Welcoming newbies

New to this

Just a few questions

Do's and Dont's


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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/1/2008 4:10:33 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Don't be in a hurry, and don't let yourself be hurried.
 
Be honest with yourself, and with anyone you're entering into a relationship with.
 
Most people are okay, but there are freaks out there, and not the kind you want to get stuck alone with. Use your head, and your gut.
 
Be respectful to those that earnestly try to help you, even if you don't use their advice.
 
Don't be ashamed of what you are.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/1/2008 4:20:46 PM   
ChihirosCurse


Posts: 10
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		The forums here are a fantastic resource, in my somewhat limited experience.  I really think it all comes down to whether you have the initiative to learn or not.  I'm on here a lot just using the search function when I'm curious about anything or want to see what different perspectives are out there. 
It's a challenge not having a "welcome kit"/"newbie pack" etc, but a good one.  I by no means expected to have the "basics" handed to me on a silver platter (nevermind the fact that everyone has different definitions of what the basics are).  Besides, where's the fun in that?  Gotta work for it a little! :P
And yes...taking everything with a grain of salt is very, very good advice. 

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/1/2008 4:35:03 PM   
CarrieO


Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I find these tend to cover pretty much all the basic ground.

My advice for Novice Female Submissives

Newbie!

At a loss

I'm a new domme seeking advice

Does a slave also have to be a fool?

sub: totally new concept

Questions for other newbies

The Journey

Starting Out

New to the Life, Help

How to deal?

Request for Advice

Advice please: Relationships, bdsm, love and boundaries

First time sub seeking you advice- how to find the right master?

First time sub seeking advice

a newbie seeking advice

How can I be a great sub?

Brand new life

Help needed

Emotional Rollercoaster

Welcoming newbies

New to this

Just a few questions

Do's and Dont's





These are some of the best posting I've read and plan to re-read......thank you. I agree there shouldn't be a forum just for newbies....it would be too easy to stay there and not mix. A safety issue also.
I love the postings on these boards....y'all don't know how much you've helped me understand things better.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/1/2008 5:59:00 PM   
Poetryinpain


Posts: 341
Joined: 3/20/2008
Status: offline 		the.dark, thank you for starting this thread, which may just consolidate a lot of the advice that's been handed out in the past. And thank you LuckyAlbatross for referring to all those past threads.

I agree on the "no newbie forum" idea. Not only would it be tempting to stay there and not mix, we would miss out on some fantastic discussions, and we might be timid about posting on the "big kids" forums. I love the blending of questions, answers, and opinions we have here.

pip, never accused of being timid

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There is none so blind as he who will not see.

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/1/2008 6:23:06 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		It may be a great thing if these listings of threads are put in their own listing, so that newbies can find them without searching. Speaking for myself, when I found CollarMe I didn't know you could search threads. Having them under their own heading would make it so much easier for the "see spot run" -of -us - not completely  illiterate, but just learning computer skills.

While I agree that you will use the same interpersonal skills with people in the BDSM community that you would with the vanilla community, there are a FEW things that people need to know that are different.  As the dark stated - there is terminology that people should be clear on before they try to negotiate with the opposite half.

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/1/2008 6:30:44 PM   
masterofdrkness2


Posts: 1697
Joined: 3/17/2008
Status: offline 		If it walks like a duck and quaks like a duck.. then it is a duck.. in other words.. use you common sense..and take you time .

_____________________________

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
(Pink Flyod)

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/1/2008 6:36:52 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Living in a fantasy world is a bad idea. Try coping with reality instead.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/2/2008 12:34:36 AM   
HerLord


Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline 		and go to the store and buy some fire retardant Thick Skin. There are people here, (me included) that go off on some of the posts here, and almost or allout, attack posts.

Be aware.
Be careful.
Be open.

But above all else,
Be Honest. Even if only to your self.

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"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/2/2008 4:46:33 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Greetings to you, the.dark.  As always, My best to Darcy.

My first response to your question would be how long do you have?  I could easily spend an afternoon discussing those things I would suggest for a beginner, and continue late into the evening with recommendations for those who want to know more.  No matter where you start, or where you are, there is always more.

The advice given above certainly has merit.  This is the second time I've seen LA give that particular list of links to past threads, and I would concur with the choices.  Being the old fashioned type that I am, I would also recommend a book title or two.  The Ethical Slut, as red mentioned, and The Bottoming Book for starters.  There are those who would disagree with Me, but I am a huge fan of The Loving Dominant and BDSM 101.  To match it's counterpart, I would also suggest The Topping Book.  I'm also quite the fan of Claudia Varrin, but I realize that is more geared to those who match My tastes. 

The greatest advantage of all of these, along with being interesting reads, is that wonderful little glossary of terms that can be found in the back.  No need to limit anyone to just a few choices of terms.  While it does not provide the complex definition that each of us come to as we go further, it is definitely a good starting point. 

My highest recommendation, as always, is to go out to the local BDSM community, and see what is really there for oneself.  Yes, I fully understand that this is a frightening proposition for some.  Folks conjure up all sorts of things in the mind of what they might encounter.  Most of these being unrealistic fears.  The internet is vast, but it has yet to replace what can be found by taking that first giant step beyond the front door.

Yet, I would not suggest that anyone be a fool.  Safety is paramount.  I don't suggest that anyone just go blindly into dangerous situations.  Use the common sense that God gave you.  There's a vast difference in going to a munch, and meeting some supposed dom in a sleezy motel.  No matter how long you've been around, two minutes or twenty years, you have to protect yourself.




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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/2/2008 5:56:40 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		One piece of advice I normaly hand out to new subs/slave.... until you actualy submit to someone then you owe NOBODY anything, they are not in a position to tell you what to do and if they are telling you "if you are a 'real' sub/slave then you would do X, Y and Z".... they are full of crap.

Another is.... Block/delete/ignore is your friend, don't be afraid to use it. Don't let the trolls upset or intimidate you, just block their ass..... also you do not OWE anyone a reply, forget any notions of "its polite"... firstly much you get will be one line wonders or abusive crud and secondly you are likely to get so much mail that you would spend all your time replying and not have a life!

Third... Watch for signs that things are being hidden. If you are supposed to be in submission to someone yet not allowed to mention his name on your profile or journal... WHY? In all likelyhood there are others on this site who think they are exclusivly his that are also not allowed to use his name..... because if they did, they might spot each other and 'out' His lies! Same as once things progress a bit further... have you His Home landline number or is it being with-held in case his WIFE answers it? Etc.... just watch for things being hidden, that usualy means you are being LIED to!


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This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/2/2008 6:20:43 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		be yourself

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/2/2008 6:22:33 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		To the newbies who don't know what the word Troll means write to me. Don't forget to include a pic.

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/2/2008 6:41:52 AM   
Floggings4You


Posts: 240
Joined: 12/18/2006
Status: offline 		Its best to have as much information as possible before trying something new, whether we're talking about oil painting, driving a car, or BDSM.  I always recommend that people curious about the lifestyle at least read SM 101 and The Loving Dominant, and I also recommend attending a local munch/demo or two, prior to playing one-on-one (and/or in private).

If you don't know the meaning of 'safeword', 'safe call', 'subspace', 'aftercare', 'sub-drop', 'endorphin rush/high', 'limits', 'Top/Bottom', 'D/s', 'submissive', 'Dominant', the difference between D/s and S&M, and the importance of having a mentor, you're not knowledgeable enough to even be called a 'newbie', IMO.

If you do know the meaning of those words, but have never had actual experience with the things those words refer to, then you are a newbie--again IMO.    

< Message edited by Floggings4You -- 4/2/2008 6:42:19 AM >

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RE: .What advice for the new - and not so new? - 4/2/2008 6:44:54 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		Don't learn it all from one person.

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