Input Invited

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StormsSlave -> Input Invited (4/2/2008 7:04:19 AM)
First I'm going to rant. Then I'm going to ask for your help. Since I have developed a healthy respect for the intelligence of most of the folks here, any input is appreciated. Here's the explanation for the rant. When My Lord expressed that having a threesome would be fun, I was excited. I have never done this, having always been in relationships where the men in my life weren't interested in sharing. Being in my sexual prime, I am eager to try new things and this is definitely on the list. So, I started looking for someone, focusing on the male, that would fit the bill. Ideally, we'd like to find someone to date; go out to dinner, maybe a movie, have some drinks, then come home for play. Sounds like fun to me.[:)] I am not the kind of female who gets off on casual, one-time sex, so I'd like to at least like the person. I started with getting to know some men, since a man is where I'd like to start. I realized early on there was a problem. These men wanted to treat me like their girlfriend. They wanted me to be available to talk to them whenever they wanted, and they expected timely answers to their texts and/or emails. They expected me to pick up my phone every time they called, and expressed irritation when I had to go for the sake of my daily life. They also seemed to think that I should be their source for free porn, asking for pics, specifically nude ones, whenever they talked to me. Even though My Lord and I had clearly expressed the intent behind our relationship with them, they expected far more from me personally that I am ever going to be able to give. After all, I can only serve one Lord. I gave up on actively seeking. After discussing it with My Lord, we decided to pursue our interest in BDSM, and hopefully, maybe at some point, meet someone suitable. So, we created our profiles here, and we're having a great time. I made it clear in my profile that I am spoken for, and what it is that we are open to experiencing. I have not contacted any man or woman first, and I'm not sure that unless something jumps out about someone that I'm going to since I am no longer "actively" seeking. I have, of course, like every other sub here, received countless emails, and I have responded to a number of them with interest. Why not? I'd still like to experience the threesome. I was hoping to head off the "girlfriend" problem before it became a problem. So I decided what our limitations are, and how they will impact anyone who is interested in joining us, and after a few suitable emails, but before phone contact, I always tell them where we stand. Still I'm having the "girlfriend" problem. The first one thought that I was "showing" him I meant what I said because he saw that I had been logged in since the email was sent. I got three emails from him in one day waiting for a response to his acceptance of my limitations. (??) I decided he wasn't for us. I also explained that it was My Lord logging in under my profile in error. I hope he felt stupid, cause he acted like it. The most recent fella is incredibly eager to get together, even though we've only had two 1/2 hour long phone calls and a few emails. I did send him the email I mentioned, tailored to him as a person, but his behavior shows me he either didn't understand or he doesn't think it applies to him. Instead, I opened my Yahoo mail (which I gave to him) to find four emails asking why I didn't call when I said I was going to. In the message he was referring to I stated that I would call Friday if I could. I shared with him that I spend Friday's with my daughter, so I may get back too late. Here's the ranting part. WTF??!?! I'm being as open, honest, and clear as I possibly can. I've typed up a version of the email I used below, and i can't find anything ambiguous in it. I've been very careful not to commit to anything with anyone, and yet, still with the girlfriend behavior. Even when you hit people over the head, they still don't hear you! I am already someone's love, and I'm not interested in replacing him. Why the hell is that so hard to understand??!! It's flattering, to an extent, but mostly, because I'm so clear, it's irritating and disheartening. I understand that it takes time to meet people, which is exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to get to know them, I'm trying to let them get to know me and My Lord. I'm trying to take the time to not make a mistake, not rush in to a bad situation, and I'm feeling pressured to give more than I've already said I am able to give. If they want more, why continue to correspond with me after I send them my message? I just don't get it. Ok. Enough ranting. I would appreciate it if all and sundry would read through the message and see if I am missing anything, or if anything is unclear. Is it just that people are generally stupid, or do I need to just give the idea up completely and go hit on some sleeze at the local pub? I don't know. I don't want to completely give up on the idea, but the way things are going, I'm not sure it's ever going to happen. I figure as a final measure, I'll offer up what I'm saying to them to all of you, and consider the advice that may be available to me. Here's the message. Keep in mind that I do tailor to the person I'm speaking with and the emails we've shared. This sounds very generic by necessity, since I'm speaking to the general public. quote: So, I think I like you. I'd like to know more about you, and am considering the option of meeting for a drink. I like to be honest and up front with people, so if you'll be patient with me, I'm going to share a few things you should know before we go any further. I'm going to be blunt with you. If you take it as rude, I apologize, but I hope you will send something similar to me. We are honest almost to the point of brutality. I like to know where people's limits are, so I don't accidentally trample them. We are a couple who are actively happy in our relationship. We are not doing this to solve problems, but because we both enjoy sex and want to enjoy more. :) I have two minor children, so I'm not so much for putting any kind of nude pics of myself over the internet. I hope you can understand. If we get together, I might allow pics, on my camera, which I will share the ones that I am comfortable sharing. This next part is the most important part. It seems to be a common problem, so I'm going to be blunt. I've gotten to this point before, and this why I'm concerned. My priority is this man, and this relationship. I know you'll say, of course, it is, but let me tell you what that means. It means I may not answer a text, or my phone, or an email right away, if at all. It may mean cutting you off and saying goodbye at a moments notice. I may put my phone away for 2-3 days at a time. I often don't check email for a week or more, mainly due to time constraints, so by the time I get your message, it may be outdated. I am not intending to be deliberately rude, ever, so I will always try to treat you with respect, but I am not always available to share company. I have to plan things. I can't get away without forethought, which may mean planning ahead a few weeks, or I could meet you tomorrow, if it worked out right. Feel free to ask, but please be willing to hear no. Either way, My Lord takes priority. I have a very busy life. I work a physically demanding job that often requires 12+ hour days. I've worked up to 50+ hours in a week, which is often mandatory in my job. I also have an adult daughter who lives with me and we are close. I have friends, and a life, so you can see how I am a very busy person. It's not that I don't want to chat with you or go out with you, just that we are going to prioritize our life together over our play time. My Lord and I are seeking someone to date as a couple. We would like to go out sometimes, have drinks, maybe dinner, then come back home for fun. It would be occasional, not daily. Honestly, we are really just looking for a good time. If this is something that you feel you can live with, then we would love to talk to you on the phone and possibly set up a meeting. If it's not for you, well, it's been nice talking to you, and good luck in your search. Thank you, all, who respond, good or bad. I appreciate whatever help I can get. I'm willing to take the time to do right. I just want to make sure I'm not sending mixed signals. Thanks again.

kyraofMists -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 7:13:18 AM)
Posting private emails is a violation of TOS. If I understand.... you do not want no-strings, casual, one-time sex. You want to spend time getting to know someone, interacting with them and you expect them to do this before sex. You expect them to have a relationship of a sorts with you before you will fuck them. But, you are mad that they seem to have some expectations to in regards to getting to know you. You either want causual fucking without the relationship or you want a relationship that includes fucking. My reading of your thread gave me mixed messages, so I can only imagine the mixed signals that the men are getting that you are meeting. Relationships involve expectations. Other than the possibility of sex in the future, what do you have to offer a man who is willing to jump through all your hoops? Knight's Kyra

Madame4a -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 7:14:24 AM)
You sound a lot like me. I have this need to get it all out up front and I have very similar information in both my profile and things I sent to perspective people in my life. I'm clear about things just as you are -- and I think your note is great. It reads a lot like mine grin I try to head things off before they even come up. In the end, I think people just don't read it all, or if they do, they don't take it in. I know people tell me they've read my profile and then I ask that question and they say yes -- and the second part of their answer makes it clear that READING and actually taking it in or understand it are not the same. good luck!

xxblushesxx -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 7:19:29 AM)
Since this is to be an open relationship, I'm unsure as to why you would feel the need to hang up on him at a moment's notice, or why a phone call or email every other day or so would be difficult to manage. It sounds like you just want them for sex. (yah, all guys hate that. lol) But, I think if you want to 'like them' and take the time to get to know them, then you should be able to offer a bit more as far as emails and phone calls. It's sort of confusing because in one way, you just want to use them and have them available only on the days and times you specify, otoh, you want to meet them for a drink, and take the time to 'get to know' them, and then promptly put them on the shelf until you're ready to play. I'd suggest one or the other. It doesn't take that much for you and your lord to talk to this person on the phone once a night for half an hour, or to send a quick email once a day if you're motivated to do so.

Floggings4You -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 7:19:52 AM)
Have your Lord find the man. If you trust your Lord, and if your Lord knows and fully understands W/what you both want out of the three-some experience, then let Him find the third partner. Making the prospective men communcate through your Lord is going to 'weed out' lots of guys, right away. Then, when your Lord has narrowed the field to acceptable candidates, you can be brought into the loop, to help make the final decision. But, let your Lord get things started. It'll save you a ton of time, grief, and bother.

Madame4a -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 7:23:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Floggings4You Have your Lord find the man. If you trust your Lord, and if your Lord knows and fully understands W/what you both want out of the three-some experience, then let Him find the third partner. Making the prospective men communcate through your Lord is going to 'weed out' lots of guys, right away. Then, when your Lord has narrowed the field to acceptable candidates, you can be brought into the loop, to help make the final decision. But, let your Lord get things started. It'll save you a ton of time, grief, and bother. Thats a GREAT idea...

StormsSlave -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 7:41:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists Posting private emails is a violation of TOS. If I understand.... you do not want no-strings, casual, one-time sex. You want to spend time getting to know someone, interacting with them and you expect them to do this before sex. You expect them to have a relationship of a sorts with you before you will fuck them. But, you are mad that they seem to have some expectations to in regards to getting to know you. You either want causual fucking without the relationship or you want a relationship that includes fucking. My reading of your thread gave me mixed messages, so I can only imagine the mixed signals that the men are getting that you are meeting. Relationships involve expectations. Other than the possibility of sex in the future, what do you have to offer a man who is willing to jump through all your hoops? Knight's Kyra First, This is NOT a private e-mail. This is a "form letter" in my head, that I use as a construct to address each person individually. I only used the quote format to seperate it. I am looking for a freindship, with bennies. That is why I put it out there. These are MY needs and limitations. That is why I put it out there up front. If these are too much to ask quote: If this is something that you feel you can live with, then we would love to talk to you on the phone and possibly set up a meeting. If it's not for you, well, it's been nice talking to you, and good luck in your search. Secondly, I am not seeking dis/approval in the actions. The question is, "Am I being clear enough in the concept?"

chellekitty -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 7:43:05 AM)
i third the have your Lord do the looking...and honestly, men communicate with men differently, less small talk, less room for them to imagine that there is something that there might not be... oh and personally, i would venture into the overlap of swingers and bdsm'ers...that is the kind of things they are into, casual sex with their friends, nothing more...no expectations...and it is not all about swapping, it is every combonation you can think of, and then some... good luck... chelle

BIllCT -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 7:47:02 AM)
Your Lord shoul dbe able to find a man for your purposes that he should know. He shoul dbe able to clearly explain what you are seeking and what the expectations are also. Otherwise you will get the responses of the type you have been getting. You and he should sit down discuss it more fully as to exactly what you want to do and where you want to go with the 3 some idea before you pursue it further. Just my opinion of course.

TreasureKY -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 7:47:55 AM)
I'm sorry, but I've gotta go along with blushes on this one. quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx It's sort of confusing because in one way, you just want to use them and have them available only on the days and times you specify, otoh, you want to meet them for a drink, and take the time to 'get to know' them, and then promptly put them on the shelf until you're ready to play. I'd suggest one or the other. It seems like you want your cake and eat it, too... this great, intimate relationship, but only when you have a spare few minutes and feel like it. lol... Sounds like quite a few of the dominant men around here. Look, I don't mean to sound abrupt, but if you just want a casual fuck now and again, consider a paid escort. You can peruse their credentials and hold interviews at your leisure, and you won't have to deal with actually having a relationship. On the other hand, if you and your significant other are wanting a friend with benefits, then stop and realize that any friend you develop is a human being with feelings, wants and desires, too. You might consider giving up the idea of finding a sex partner and concentrate instead on finding a friend who has similar ideas and desires when it comes to sexual experimentation and sharing. To be honest, I would think a couple as friends would be a better option for you. You might try the swinging scene.

StormsSlave -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 7:49:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx Since this is to be an open relationship, I'm unsure as to why you would feel the need to hang up on him at a moment's notice, or why a phone call or email every other day or so would be difficult to manage. It sounds like you just want them for sex. (yah, all guys hate that. lol) But, I think if you want to 'like them' and take the time to get to know them, then you should be able to offer a bit more as far as emails and phone calls. It's sort of confusing because in one way, you just want to use them and have them available only on the days and times you specify, otoh, you want to meet them for a drink, and take the time to 'get to know' them, and then promptly put them on the shelf until you're ready to play. I'd suggest one or the other. It doesn't take that much for you and your lord to talk to this person on the phone once a night for half an hour, or to send a quick email once a day if you're motivated to do so. It's not so much to chat on the phone. You're right. I'm happy to chat, and can find the time to do it, generally. However, there are times in life when I can't. For instance, when My Lord and I were on vacation, I was only taking calls from my UM's and a close friend. Everyone else went to voice mail. On one occasion, a prospective "friend" got angry and stopped talking to me because My Lord and I went out on a date with each other and didn't invite him. I have a friend that I only see once every couple of months. My friend and I have a get together planned this month. We last saw each other in February. Occasionally we text jokes, and if one of us is bored, we call each other. However, he doesn't get angry because I'm not available when he wants me to be. Maybe I should have given more examples. One man got upset because I hadn't logged into messenger for two weeks. The fact that I was 2000 miles from home had something to do with that. One got upset that I had to go because my adult daughter needed my attention, and another time because I had to go to run some errands when I told him at the start of the conversation I was only going to be available for a few minutes. Also understand that this is generalized. Like I said. I definitely tailor it to each person.

StormsSlave -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 7:52:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TreasureKY I'm sorry, but I've gotta go along with blushes on this one. quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx It's sort of confusing because in one way, you just want to use them and have them available only on the days and times you specify, otoh, you want to meet them for a drink, and take the time to 'get to know' them, and then promptly put them on the shelf until you're ready to play. I'd suggest one or the other. It seems like you want your cake and eat it, too... this great, intimate relationship, but only when you have a spare few minutes and feel like it. lol... Sounds like quite a few of the dominant men around here. Look, I don't mean to sound abrupt, but if you just want a casual fuck now and again, consider a paid escort. You can peruse their credentials and hold interviews at your leisure, and you won't have to deal with actually having a relationship. On the other hand, if you and your significant other are wanting a friend with benefits, then stop and realize that any friend you develop is a human being with feelings, wants and desires, too. You might consider giving up the idea of finding a sex partner and concentrate instead on finding a friend who has similar ideas and desires when it comes to sexual experimentation and sharing. To be honest, I would think a couple as friends would be a better option for you. You might try the swinging scene. lol...the swinger idea is where I met the man who was unhappy about no messenger for two weeks. As for a paid escort, that's an outstanding idea, but in this little bitty town, that's probably not going to happen. Finding a friend with benefits is EXACTLY what I'm hoping for. Someone with a similiar attitude and interests who doesn't want or need a long term relationship right now. That's why the message. I'm hoping to set the boundaries up front.

TreasureKY -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 7:55:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StormsSlave Finding a friend with benefits is EXACTLY what I'm hoping for. Someone with a similiar attitude and interests who doesn't want or need a long term relationship right now. That's why the message. I'm hoping to set the boundaries up front. Which is exactly why I suggested a couple. Hard for a man to become emotionally attached to you if he's already got a primary relationship. Besides... it opens up the door for future play with four! [;)]

beltainefaerie -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 8:01:20 AM)
I think I get what you are wanting. My friends know that I may have a terribly busy week and they won't hear from me. A significant other expects to be in the loop constantly. What you are looking for is a friend who is not clingy, respects your time, and with whom you might have sex if the chemistry is right. It might be clearer to say something like that, otherwise it does come across rather like you want a toy only available when you want to play. I do respect that this comes from lots of experience finding the wrong people, who did not understand your intentions, but a little less with the I-may-drop-you-at-a-moment's-notice tone might encourage people who actually want to get to know you. It might be useful to have your Lord do the searching at first and might also help to search among swingers. Good Luck!

sassysexygirl -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 8:02:35 AM)
greetings to E/everyone greetings Stormslave ~ i have the same thoughts as kyra. what it sounds like to me is, you wish to get to know a man, become friends, take the time and effort to develop some type of friendship/feeling for him, and then invite him for sex with you and your Lord. however, you are not willing to extend to him what you want from him because "you're not his girlfriend." seriously, it sounds to me like you want a submissive male. "i want this, that and the other thing including friendship, then you will have sex with me and my Lord. you get whatever i give you and you'll be glad of it." this may not be your intent, but it's what i read in your post. perhaps a friendship with your Lord is the way to go, then He can share you. because if it was me, i wouldn't give you all you want and not get more in return than what you offer. well wishes, gemmie

HerLord -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 9:33:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: beltainefaerie I think I get what you are wanting. My friends know that I may have a terribly busy week and they won't hear from me. A significant other expects to be in the loop constantly. What you are looking for is a friend who is not clingy, respects your time, and with whom you might have sex if the chemistry is right. It might be clearer to say something like that, otherwise it does come across rather like you want a toy only available when you want to play. I do respect that this comes from lots of experience finding the wrong people, who did not understand your intentions, but a little less with the I-may-drop-you-at-a-moment's-notice tone might encourage people who actually want to get to know you. It might be useful to have your Lord do the searching at first and might also help to search among swingers. Good Luck! This is exactly what we are trying to accomplish. The input on tone of "we may drop you at a moments notice" is muchly appreciated. How would you recommend we re-style the verbage to express less in this manner? Given that this was much less personal than it actually would be to an actual person, the actual mails My Love sends out are less "snarky", however, the intent is basically the same. The "wemaydropyouatamom..." has not, to my knowledge, actually been used.

HerLord -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 9:37:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Madame4a You sound a lot like me. I have this need to get it all out up front and I have very similar information in both my profile and things I sent to perspective people in my life. I'm clear about things just as you are -- and I think your note is great. It reads a lot like mine grin I try to head things off before they even come up. In the end, I think people just don't read it all, or if they do, they don't take it in. I know people tell me they've read my profile and then I ask that question and they say yes -- and the second part of their answer makes it clear that READING and actually taking it in or understand it are not the same. good luck! This is the purpose of the post. To find out in My Love's own mind, if it is our communication that needs mending, or if it really is people are just that lazy/stupid/rude. I contend the latter.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 9:41:57 AM)
I am going to go against the tide a bit, I thought the email was pretty clear and I really really like clarity. Setting the bar for what you want high allows you to filter out the intelligent people who can see what you offer isn't what they want. Nothing will filter out the idiots, that is why they are called idiots. However, idiots are easier to spot when the more reasonable people are also filtered out. So, you wait for the right person to come along, someone who wants a FWB situation that works for them. IF it works out right, you can always offer more in the way of friendship, in fact, probably will IF it works out. If not, you were clear and any resultant drama isn't your fault. Same reason I haven't taken on a part time lover even though part of me would love to. I don't want ANY drama interfering with bsb and I and so my standards are almost impossible to meet. That is part of being healthy, turning away people that don't meet your standards rather than clinging to the first one that comes along.

HerLord -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 9:45:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TreasureKY Which is exactly why I suggested a couple. Hard for a man to become emotionally attached to you if he's already got a primary relationship. Besides... it opens up the door for future play with four! [;)] I personally LOVE this idea. We are currently checking this avenue of approach also. We are not set on A man, A woman or a couple. We are simply open to almost anything. We are trying to find a way to express our priorities and time constraints BEFORE they become a problem. I do not read all the mail My Love gets or sends, but knowing her as I do, she is polite, civil, well spoken, clear and concise. Usually. I sometimes pick on My Love for using the biggest words in the dictionary to say the simplest of things. We both get a chuckle out of it.

HerLord -> RE: Input Invited (4/2/2008 9:50:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I am going to go against the tide a bit, I thought the email was pretty clear and I really really like clarity. Setting the bar for what you want high allows you to filter out the intelligent people who can see what you offer isn't what they want. Nothing will filter out the idiots, that is why they are called idiots. However, idiots are easier to spot when the more reasonable people are also filtered out. So, you wait for the right person to come along, someone who wants a FWB situation that works for them. IF it works out right, you can always offer more in the way of friendship, in fact, probably will IF it works out. If not, you were clear and any resultant drama isn't your fault. Same reason I haven't taken on a part time lover even though part of me would love to. I don't want ANY drama interfering with bsb and I and so my standards are almost impossible to meet. That is part of being healthy, turning away people that don't meet your standards rather than clinging to the first one that comes along. Thank you. And BTW... You really are a lucky bastard. (I am told you no longer have that on your profile.)

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