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RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/2/2008 6:07:09 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Having a fight has nothing to do with being a switch or not- perhaps if you stop viewing "aggression" as the same as "dominant" it will lessen your frustration and allow you to work directly on the problem itself.

You get to do whatever works for you guys in your relationship. If you've agreed that he has authority in this domain and can impose consequences on you, then he can. If you haven't agreed on it, then it's open for discussion.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to madshysoul)

Post #: 21

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/2/2008 6:41:10 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

The "master" wises up-or loses respect.

It doesn't take an Einstein to figure this out.

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My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to underhisthumb)

Post #: 22

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/2/2008 7:53:49 PM

underhisthumb

Posts: 32
Joined: 3/19/2008
Status: offline

I dont think He and I have ever discussed His authority, so to speak, over this domain. We are both hot tempered, but after reading through these responses, it makes me want to strive towards being less quick to fly off the handle.

I think alot of difficulty for me is in the transition of being in a "vanilla" relationship for two years and then the dynamic changing to one of M/s. While I have been involved in BDSM for a few years, this is the first time I have really desired and entered into the M/s part of things. Before I did alot of bottoming, topping, scene play, etc. . .

I want to thank all of you for your thoughts here. You have helped me to see I needed to appraoch Master and admit to Him I have an issue expressing myself in a way that is positive and equal to resolvement, rather than spewing my over emotional reaction all over the place and then having to come back and apologize later. Having alot of outside stressors and being young does not excuse irrational behavior and a lack of ability to put a lid on my temper, so to speak.

After sitting down with Master tonight, we have agreed upon a written journal for me. I am to write daily, if only a short bit, and also to utilize it when I am upset about something. Previous relationships have fostered alot of inability in me to speak clearly when I am frustrated, hurt, or scared- and so this is a positive way for us to begin going down a path that is healthier and more condusive to happiness in our home.

This is one slave who will go to bed with a much lighter heart tonight. I know it will take effort and will to put our new theory into play, but as they say, a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. . .

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 23

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/2/2008 7:54:08 PM

girlygurl

Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: underhisthumb

Just curious, how do you handle it, especially those married or in 24/7, when your Master or Mistress angers you about something vanilla? Do you have the freedome to fight with Him or Her and not expect punishment? Do you voice your opinion knowing there will be retribution?

I try to always ask Him for permission to speak freely if we are NOT fighting. But especially being a switch, sometimes my temper just boils over and BAM! . . . we fight.

Sometimes finding the balance between who we are and what we are becoming just stops me in my tracks!

Sir has always allowed me to speak freely. All that He ask is that I'm respectful in my communication. In the last year I've learned that I'm much better off to not spout off what my thoughts are when I'm upset by something, instead I'll give it some thought about what it is that really upset me then talk to Him about it. He and I don't fight, and the thought of having a "fight" with my Sir scares the hell out of me let alone it would break my heart.... nope, no fighting here.... don't wanna and you can't make me. lol

I made the mistake once of saying some smart ass bratty comment to Him, the result of that was my first punishment. I learn quick

and from that moment forward I think before I speak.

girly

_____________________________

i see You

happily forever one

(in reply to underhisthumb)

Post #: 24

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/4/2008 5:03:37 AM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

Like metalmiss, i am non-confrontational - and after living with Sir for 2 years, have never been angry with him. Of course we don't have triggers in the house - kids, financial problems, ex"s livng near, family living near etc etc.
I read somewhere that happiness is a curve. We are happiest earlier in our adult life and towards the 50's. and having lived through these times, I agree. I was miserable from 30 to 48, not just from my self but from stress with kids, family and finances. Kids are out of the house, ex is out of state, and alls right with the world. Hang in there - it gets better the older you get!!!!

Similar situation here. We've been together for just over 4 years, no kids living with us and exes interstate or in another country and minimal contact. I can't recall us ever having a full on argument. Minor disagreements yes, and resolved fairly quickly.

However when He tells me things I should be doing mainly for my own good, I sometimes get upset and "shut down". I feel like He is "getting at me" and so I revert back to the defensive mechanism I used with my emotionally abusive ex, in other words I withdraw and shut myself off. Yes I am aware I am doing it, and I know I shouldn't, but old habits die hard. I have explained to Him the reasons why it happens, and I am getting better at communicating, but it's a sloooow process......

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 25

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/4/2008 5:20:20 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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see this is a big problem for me, I get all confused, I generally dont fight, but of course Dominants are human, they may do something wrong. I never know if im meant to just accept it and put up with it or to say thats not on and why did you do that, normally i put up with it for at least a while but for me and in my experiance it is this that can shatter the dynamic. Of course as everyone says comunication is very important and its obviously a lack of this mixed with being hurt that causes the problems.

_____________________________

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(in reply to underhisthumb)

Post #: 26

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/4/2008 7:14:44 AM

MontrealPhoenix

Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline

I agree with you, Omega. I find that when i'm close to exploding, if i go off on my own and calm down i'm able to discuss what it is that made me angry in a calm, rational manner. This is far more productive than screaming which gets nothing done.

Phoenix

_____________________________

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~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
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(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 27

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/4/2008 7:30:59 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

see this is a big problem for me, I get all confused, I generally dont fight, but of course Dominants are human, they may do something wrong. I never know if im meant to just accept it and put up with it or to say thats not on and why did you do that, normally i put up with it for at least a while but for me and in my experiance it is this that can shatter the dynamic. Of course as everyone says comunication is very important and its obviously a lack of this mixed with being hurt that causes the problems.

Communication IS a big part of it, and the "I never know" about such a situation... well have you ever asked? Isn't that something that the Dom/Master can look at and put something in place so that a) you do know b) any problems are addressed.

With My girl, sure if We are in the middle of something she will shut up and get on with it, however she knows that she is not just permitted, but EXPECTED that if something is troubling her she should raise it with Me once it is convenient to do so and it is discussed and addressed. Whilst everything is My decision she is 'allowed' oppinions of her own, that includes opinions contrary to Mine and those opinions are duly noted, wether they are agreed with or not, incorporated or not, they are always looked at and considered.

Good communication can not only solve problems but also often prevent them cropping up in the first place.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 28

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/6/2008 6:20:36 PM

trueshadow

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

In the past 15 years or so, the only time I got into a fight was when my request for alone time wasn't respected. It ended with me throwing all of his belongings including a TV over the balcony into a mud puddle.

I think I am on firm ground in saying that only a woman would do such a thing. I suppose a man would yell, hit, or walk out. BTW, this has never happened to me. I like to think I am quite reasonable and even-tempered. And, of course, obedient (not that OmegaG isn't). I suppose I would just leave if things got difficult beyond negotiation.

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 29

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/6/2008 6:43:36 PM

pinkwind

Posts: 367
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline

Master Andy and i have been together for 4 years+, living 24/7 for most of that time, and have yet to have an argument.

From the start i made it quite clear that one of the fundamentals of any relationship would be calm and considered communication on both sides whenever either of us felt it necessary, that or i would not be here now.

We are both human, and have a great respect for each others space and the differences between us, seeing them as positive rather than conflicting and, as the old saying goes, do not let the sun go down on a sore point or a negative issue between us. Neither of us is perfect, nor infallible.

It is the communication, the basic equality that we put in place regarding each others feelings and sensibilities that has helped us to understand each others point of view, and determined how we strive to find solutions that are equitable and which also do not compromise our dynamic. Just because Master Andy is Dominant does not mean he is always right, and vice versa, and it has been the acceptance of that, and our ability not to become self obsessed and precious that has led us to be able to listen to each other and find a path through any difficulty together.

No one person is left feeling the victor when we have difficulties, but knowing that we have both communicated our feelings calmly and rationally gives us both the knowledge that we have put things to rights, found solutions to our problems and put in place mechanisms so that we can move forward together. We cannot have a balanced relationship without we understand that any problems are caused between us, and not in isolation, and can only be put right together.

From the start we made it possible for either of us to ask for time together when an issue arose, time to talk before that issue grew out of proportion. i have as much right to call into question Master Andy's motives and actions as he does mine, not for the purpose of points scoring but for the fact that if we do not speak as we find we are not communicating honestly. Without our ability to say exactly what and how we both feel i do not think we would have got this far without argument, given the example of my marriage to someone with whom i did not have such mechanisms in place. That marriage turned into an abusive battleground, something i swore would never happen again in my lifetime.

So far, so good!

< Message edited by pinkwind -- 4/6/2008 6:45:21 PM >

(in reply to underhisthumb)

Post #: 30

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/6/2008 6:49:15 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

It is rare that he upsets or angers me. Recently I was upset, due to some significant life circumstances which neither of us were prepared to deal with. This brought about some confusion and a lot of stress, and his way of handling it was painful to me. We didn't fight. I told him I was upset, and even angry at him, and why. He listened, and heard me. But it's the first time I have felt angry at him in almost two years.

This is very similar in my relationship with Daddy. In just under 5 years, we have had less than one handful of arguments. Last year was very difficult for us due to hard life issues. I was beyond a little mad, I was pissed off. But unlike other relationships I've been in, I used my words carefully and tried to remain calm and respectful even though I was livid. When I didn't feel like I could behave in a way that was going to be successful for communication to take place, I would write long emails to Him, so I could pick and choose my words wisely, and process my thoughts and feelings in a way that was not toxic to the relationship. It gave Him a chance to know what I was feeling and why, and a chance to reply to me when things were not so heated. I don't know if this works for others, but it has remained a useful tool for us. He will not tolerate me being catty and pissy, so I have learned to tone it down even when my emotions are riding high. Knowing that I have been a hothead in the past with others, He knows that this is a great triumph for me and I think He appreciates my efforts.

_____________________________

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Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 31

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/7/2008 4:34:32 AM

StormsSlave

Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
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Well, after reading how nobody else fights, I have to wonder if we are doing this right??!!

My Lord and I fight. We both yell, we argue, we disagree, we separate, cool down, then come back to talk about it. It's rare that we do fight, since we are so compatible, but it happens. I may be sub, he may be dom, but we are both human, and being unable to express anger only builds resentment and creates bitterness. He's generally loud and opinionated anyway, so find it easiest to make myself small and quiet most of the time when he is angry.

Most of the time he will notice, since he is always making an effort to observe me, that I am out of sorts. It usually takes him asking me more than once what is the matter since I detest arguing, though I am not above it. So far, I am generally reluctant to bring up issues due to past experiences in relationships. When we argue, it is usually a series of misunderstandings or lack of sensitivity on one part or the other. It's almost never something serious, but almost always something minor blown out of proportion.

I just wish we could be as perfectly peaceful and completely compatible as everyone else appears to be.

_____________________________

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--nobody's resident anything.

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 32

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/7/2008 4:43:37 AM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

StormsSlave...

the only "right" way to have a disagreement is the way that in the end, both parties understand where the other is coming from, and that an understanding is reached where both parties are agreeable with the clearing of the air, and the end is somethong both can agree on.

different people come to this end by different means. i know i can go to Daddy with "i need to tell you something and you may be unhappy with me". i can go to TheEngineer with "if i say something, will you be mad at me?" and neither one of them finds this a bad thing. i can tell them what my need is/what i'm unhappy about and we resolve it. and its all good in the end.

the path you take from confrontation to resolution isnt the issue. the fact that you get there and find peace, is.

kitten

(in reply to StormsSlave)

Post #: 33

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/7/2008 4:47:00 AM

StormsSlave

Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
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Adoracat:

I agree with you. I was being sarcastic, in my dry way. My apologies if that wasn't clear. We are both happy, and have few complaints, none of which have to do with each other. Our way of working it out has been working, and we are always in love at the end of it.

_____________________________

Congratulate me...I'm a missus!!

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Post #: 34

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/7/2008 5:07:14 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Storms, it's experience that teaches us not to yell. Because here too things are almost always due to misunderstandings. And after a couple of times where you wind up feeling stupid saying things like "Oh but I thought you meant..." you learn to ask about the misunderstanding before the fight.

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(in reply to StormsSlave)

Post #: 35

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/7/2008 7:30:51 AM

YoungWolf

Posts: 18
Joined: 3/25/2008
Status: offline

Well when my Master is say free from work, I ask if we can speak. Then I say whats on my mind with no fear. He is a good Master that way always willing to listen. Sometimes I do have to wait to speak, since he is often times busy, But he often makes the time if I really need to talk. (happened a few times already)

_____________________________

May the Moon be your light.

(in reply to madshysoul)

Post #: 36

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/7/2008 7:42:57 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Sometimes we just fight like married people. It doesn't happen often, usually two or three times a year.

I'm a person that likes to wait until I calm down before I speak. That however irritates Master. He feels that I'm shutting him down and it escalates his anger. Anger tends to be a knee jerk reaction and we all react differently. I've learned that I have to stay calm otherwise it's hours before we get to the "talking it out" stage because being quiet or letting my anger go just escalate the argument.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

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Post #: 37

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/7/2008 9:24:36 AM

pupofMoGa

Posts: 165
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline

In the three years I have been with Mistress we have not had many fights. When I have something to say I ask permission to speak freely as to not disrespect Mistress by blurting out. Even when I am totally right on a matter, I am still hesitant to correct Mistress. But in our long distance relationship I sometimes overstep my boundries and have to face the consequences. I love Mistress and cannot stay mad at Her for more than a few minutes. The one thing I cannot do is stay mad at Mistress, I love and respect Her. And i admit that I do not know everythng and am wrong at times. Arguments may happen in a D/s relationship from time but as long as it is handled respectfully then both may benefit from the venting of some built up steam.

-pup

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(in reply to underhisthumb)

Post #: 38

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/7/2008 11:37:43 AM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StormsSlave

Adoracat:

I agree with you. I was being sarcastic, in my dry way. My apologies if that wasn't clear. We are both happy, and have few complaints, none of which have to do with each other. Our way of working it out has been working, and we are always in love at the end of it.

if i claim this cold i'm struggling with has clogged my sarcasm meter, will you buy it?

what i really need at the moment is a good dose of lap time....and i cant have that with TheEngineer till june, and who knows when Daddy will make it here again. i'm a wee bit fuzzybrained.

kitten

(in reply to StormsSlave)

Post #: 39

RE: When Your Master or Mistress Upsets You - 4/8/2008 5:55:55 AM

HerLord

Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline

edited to correct poster. Again. Sorry.

< Message edited by HerLord -- 4/8/2008 5:59:34 AM >

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Post #: 40

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