RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (Full Version)

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LadyAngelika -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 6:27:34 PM)

quote:

Honey said it well - but I will also add that I too believe that online isn't real - it doesn't become real till I meet someone in person.


Reality is a figment of your imagination ;-)

No but seriously, if you are real and I'm real and everyone else posting on this board are real, then this is all real. I'll agree that it is mediated reality, like talking on the phone, but nonetheless very real. I think that viewing this as something not real is the enabler that permits people to treat each other in such a shitty way. But the fact that one might have the skewed perception that this is not real doesn't make this alright.

- LA



LadyAngelika -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 6:27:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

quote:

I'm not vested in this person, she wasn't being harrassed or peppered with mail, and all indications were that things were going well. What got me was being blocked after asking for the simple courtesy of closure.


I guess I don't understand if you're saying you weren't vested in this person yourself then 1) why do you care? 2) why do you expect closure? 3) What do you expect any of us to do about it other than bring a potluck dish to the pity party?


I don't mean to answer for Anthro, but I have my own idea why. For over a year I've been participating on this message board. For over a year I have been reading Anthro's very respectful posts. This man is genuine and has been trying for sometime to find a woman to devote himself to. I really do hope he finds her and that she will not take advantage of his eagerness.

I know Anthro to be an upstanding gentleman who will always take the time to explain things to people and offer courtesy. I recognise that in him like I recognise it in myself and my close friends. I can completely understand why he is absolutely bewildered by the cowardly actions of this woman.

Many Dommes here said either maybe he came across too needy, to persistent, maybe she changed her mind, maybe someone came back in her life, maybe, maybe, maybe... All of that is completely irrelevant. She blocked him instead of facing the music and finishing what she started and in my books, she is displaying a lack of integrity.

Here is how I deal with such situations. A few months ago, I was chatting with a local guy online and for some reason, it didn’t feel right to meet him. He was too persistent, too pushy and he kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I felt that he was passive aggressive and frankly we had only exchanged a few emails and talked on the phone an hour. I didn’t feel like explaining to him that it didn’t feel right because of his pushy, obstinate nature and so I sent him a simple email stating: “Certain things have changed in my personal life and I will not be able to pursue this any longer. I did enjoy our conversations and I wish you the best.” I never heard back from him but at the very least, I had a clear conscience knowing that I didn’t leave someone hanging. I would not end a relationship this way, I would not end something more evolved this way, but under the circumstances, it was appropriate. Did I owe this guy something? No. Did I feel that in order to be true to my nature as a mature and courteous person, I could not just block him? A resounding yes.

Now people like Anthro, myself and many others on this network always feel a little jaded when someone doesn’t treat us with the same respect and courtesy that we treat them. Is it just the way things are? Yup. Do we have to like it? Nope. To be honest, one of the best ways to change behaviours is making people aware of the repercussions of their behaviour. If only one Domme decides to offer closure as opposed to blocking after having read this message, then it was worth it. Also, I think that turning to a community such as this one to vent a little and get some reassurance is not a pity party. If all someone does is vent and never offers anything constructive, that is one thing. But that is not the case with Anthro.

- LA



anthrosub -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 7:04:04 PM)

quote:

I guess I don't understand if you're saying you weren't vested in this person yourself then 1) why do you care? 2) why do you expect closure? 3) What do you expect any of us to do about it other than bring a potluck dish to the pity party?


1.) Nothing in life is meaningless to me or without value.
2.) How people treat each other becomes a part of who they are no matter how trivial.
3.) Thank you for showing me your sensitivity.

AAkasha,
I'm surprised you don't demonstrate an awareness that people's posts are only an inkling of the full picture at any one time. Naturally there will be gaps or what look like inconsistencies. Lay them on top of each other and the picture becomes more clear.

I spoke of vesting from the standpoint of a human being with feelings...feelings that are involuntary such as the optimism that things are going well and what that may lead to later on. On a more general level, I had no expectations from this person yet that anything was certain so no vesting there. Is this not easy to understand?

As far as why it bothered me, well...what's so difficult? Some people are sensitive and/or place more importance on something than someone else might. We are all different with our own set of buttons that can be pushed. Mine got pushed.

anthrosub



theRose4U -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 7:32:34 PM)

quote:

Here is how I deal with such situations. A few months ago, I was chatting with a local guy online and for some reason, it didn’t feel right to meet him. He was too persistent, too pushy and he kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I felt that he was passive aggressive and frankly we had only exchanged a few emails and talked on the phone an hour. I didn’t feel like explaining to him that it didn’t feel right because of his pushy, obstinate nature and so I sent him a simple email stating: “Certain things have changed in my personal life and I will not be able to pursue this any longer. I did enjoy our conversations and I wish you the best.” I never heard back from him but at the very least, I had a clear conscience knowing that I didn’t leave someone hanging. I would not end a relationship this way, I would not end something more evolved this way, but under the circumstances, it was appropriate. Did I owe this guy something? No. Did I feel that in order to be true to my nature as a mature and courteous person, I could not just block him? A resounding yes.


While I understand your point & have followed the same philosophies on more than one occasion the following:

quote:

I sent her several emails that went from "eager to hear from you" to "what's going on?" as time passed. Tonight, I sent one asking for some simple courtesy for no other reason than to have closure and was Blocked.


Sounds like after the dozen or so get to know you emails that she saw something that raised a flag. I have to admit someone that I'd kind of decided probably wasn't for me or was considering what my coarse of action would be repeatedly emailing me would probably evoke a rather final answer too. There is a point that over eager just isn't sexy (imagine dog humping your leg going LIKE ME!!!!). There is a point where being the "nice guy" turns into a co-dependent octopus that you just want to run from.

My question in instances like this that I discuss with friends is what void in yourself are you wanting to fill with someone else? I usually get a blank stare followed by discussion on what they want in a mate...they don't get it. Too many times here & IRL you see people that thrive on the rush of LOOOOVE (oh he's so great & life's perfect & I just couldn't ask for more [:'(]) What I find as a commonality in these instances is that there is a void that they are trying to fill with the strengths of another...it doesn't work. I know that many here go on about the velcro collar, personally what I find even less attractive is the ooooohhhh you're so perfect & Domly PLEEEEAAASE have me, let me kiss your feet & be everything you could want in a slave. While on paper someone this eager to please is a good thing, it comes off as desperate which isn't attractive.

This isn't MEANT to be a personal bash on anyone just my .10 or so. As for the OP not liking what I have to say...I can live with it as long as something is taken from the questions.



JustaTop -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 7:36:33 PM)

The point I'm trying to make is that you are investing WAY too much into a casual electronic communication lasting only days. It reeks of desperation to behave so-why is your perspective so skewed and needy that you have to thrash it out in PUBLIC? Are you trying to PUNISH this woman for TALKING to you?

Do you have ANY idea of how much you damage yourself in the eyes of others who might otherwised be interested in you by doing so? Is it SO much about YOU and YOUR needs that it is all you can see? If so, it speaks poorly of your ability to give good things to another.

You are buzzing around one little tree like a small insect my friend-gain some altitude and you might just see the forest instead. Which view will you take,mosquito,or that of the eagle?



TexasMaam -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 8:31:32 PM)

anthrosub,

I just read your last post here:
quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub


She told me she owns a boat and would be spending the weekend on it anchored off an island off the coast of NH. I know this place and felt it would show my awareness to at least be checking on her by sending an email on Sunday afternoon. For all I know, she could have had a boating accident. In short, I was being thoughtful. I didn't send her another email until Tuesday night after I saw she had been online Tuesday morning and again that night. She read all my emails without responding, then came back on when I sent my last email politely asking if she had lost interest could she please do me the courtesy of letting me know.

anthrosub



Either something spooked Her, or something about her story, above, was not true, or She just changed her mind about seeking a new sub altogether, who knows?

One thing is for certain: whether She extended to you the courtesy of a polite 'no thanks' or not, you are better off knowing that you simply need to continue with your endeavors. No harm, no foul.

I sometimes block without warning. I usually block without a word when something just doesn't 'feel' right. As others have stated in their responses, when I block it's generally because one of two things usually happens: either the sub expresses a desire or wish that is clearly outside the limits I state in My profile, OR, something about the way the email comes across indicates to me that they are passive Aggressive or obcessive or worse.

I'm not saying that anything you wrote was amiss in anyway; My point is that we all block at one time or another for who knows what reason. I think that's what some of the other Dommes meant, too.

As for all of us being tired of reading threads about emails, I'm glad you posted your frustration here on the board. It's a good place to do just that, and you have certainly heard back from a long list of Dommes who have validated you with their thoughtful, (albeit occasionally opinionated [;)] ) responses. Venting can be a good thing.

Nice pic, nice profile, well read, articulate, thoughtful posts: keep at it, anthrosub! one never knows when you will meet that *special SomeOne*, it can happen in an instant and life can turn on a dime.

Best of luck,

Texas Maam



anthrosub -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 8:56:18 PM)

quote:

The point I'm trying to make is that you are investing WAY too much into a casual electronic communication lasting only days. It reeks of desperation to behave so-why is your perspective so skewed and needy that you have to thrash it out in PUBLIC? Are you trying to PUNISH this woman for TALKING to you?


All I can say there is that it's your perception of my perception you're responding to regarding the "reeking desperation." As far as talking about it in public, as Lady Angelica mentioned, some folks see Collarme as something more than just a whips and chains discussion forum.

anthrosub



anthrosub -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 9:02:29 PM)

quote:

Sounds like after the dozen or so get to know you emails that she saw something that raised a flag. I have to admit someone that I'd kind of decided probably wasn't for me or was considering what my coarse of action would be repeatedly emailing me would probably evoke a rather final answer too.


I'm really not sure why you keep thinking this was a case of hounding someone with emails. She wrote me, I wrote back, she wrote me, I wrote back, she wrote me, I wrote back,....then....suddenly.....nothing.

Got it?

I wrote one, single, polite email asking what happened and if she had lost interest could she please say so. How does that work out to pestering someone?

anthrosub



anthrosub -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 9:07:58 PM)

TexasMaam,
Thank you for your reply. You have a good read of the situation and good advice from top to bottom (no pun intended). [;)]

By the way, this is the first time anyone has blocked me...ever. Not that I was trying to hold some sort of record or anything.

anthrosub



Misstoyou -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/5/2005 10:46:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

Honey said it well - but I will also add that I too believe that online isn't real - it doesn't become real till I meet someone in person.


Reality is a figment of your imagination ;-)

No but seriously, if you are real and I'm real and everyone else posting on this board are real, then this is all real.


I think *people* are real online, but I don't accept *relationships* as real until I meet someone in person, and though this isn't directed to anthrosub or his situation, personally, I distrust the people who are madly in love with me after a couple of messages.

However, because I write from the premise that the people that contact me online are real (I know, I know, I *still* prefer to work from that premise. lol), it's only the right thing to do to say, "Thanks, but no thanks" whenever that point is reached in the conversation.



FelinePersuasion -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/6/2005 1:21:24 AM)

Anthro you pestered her. you emailed tuesday then tuesday night again to assume she wasn't interested, You didn't even give her time to reply. then got all clingy and like do you still want me.


that would turn me off for sure. you can not be clingy and pestery. The impatience and clingyness is probably why you were blocked. I don't know any one who apreciates such a pushy aproach. You should of gave her at least a week or two to reply,, not just one night then assume she's left you " in the lurch" She might not of had time to reply, or wanted to right then.

Sometimes I check to see if my email to someone has been read and when it has I prolly figure they won't reply, but I don't say anything, and then a day or two later they thank me for the email.


Chill sit back relax don't be so "needy" so fast. It's not an attractive trait.



FelinePersuasion -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/6/2005 2:14:48 AM)

TexasMaam I think you said we all block for some reason or another I couldn't find that statement, so I may be imagaination reading lol.


But yeah I've blocked someone once just by how nasty the tone was, or how presumptious, and how I felt they had given themself the air of talking down to someone. Plus as them being clearly marked as a sub, I think it's out of line and poor behavior to send others snarky emails. IT's out of line for any one, regardless, but I feel that someone who's wanting to make a good impression on the tops and dominants, shouldn't be displeasing first thing out of the gate by being snarky. I also won't even say a simple no thanks if they clearly have not read or payed attention to my profile. Because I feel that if they had read it and *payed attention* and emailed me anyway, they probably knew already they would not be something I wanted.


If I sent a no to every one who contacted me that didn't pay any attention to anything said at all I'd send to many



anthrosub -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/6/2005 4:56:50 AM)

quote:

Anthro you pestered her. you emailed tuesday then tuesday night again to assume she wasn't interested, You didn't even give her time to reply. then got all clingy and like do you still want me.


Wrong...please review what I wrote. She received only one email from me on Tuesday. Since you don't know what I wrote in that email, you can't say it was..."all clingy and like do you still want me."

anthrosub



QueenRah -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/6/2005 6:55:57 AM)

There are always three sides to every story: his side, her side, and the truth, which lies somewhere in between the two.

anthro, it is unfortunate that you "got dumped" with what you feel is not so much as a "fare thee well." But, we haven't heard from the Domme in question. You may be absolutely in the right and she may have been completely remiss. You have every right to your feelings of hurt. However, after being on the bad end of a failed communication, which was aired in the "FemDoms can't find a..." thread (his gripe did not mention me, specifically, but I don't embarrass easily and responded in the open), I simply must reserve full judgment until she responds.

Do consider this a learning experience; don't hold her fully responsible for the failure to communicate, as there were two of you involved; and move on to the next. Better luck next time!

QueenRah

edited for tyckograpicyl eerrours. (Those embarrass me!)



AAkasha -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/6/2005 9:26:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: anthrosub

quote:

Anthro you pestered her. you emailed tuesday then tuesday night again to assume she wasn't interested, You didn't even give her time to reply. then got all clingy and like do you still want me.


Wrong...please review what I wrote. She received only one email from me on Tuesday. Since you don't know what I wrote in that email, you can't say it was..."all clingy and like do you still want me."

anthrosub


Regardless, I'm still with Feline on this -- it's not the number of emails or whatever, it's:

a) knowing she was online and didn't write and assuming that meant she owed you an email (if you said in your emails "I saw you were online and..." that would really grate on me -- maybe you did not say that, which would be good)

b) asking for closure after just a couple of days of her not writing. A couple of days? Too much drama! So maybe she was overwhelmed and in a bad mind frame and then to get the ol' "ok well apparently you don't like me and I would at least appreciate the courtesy of an email" -- it's what Feline (I believe) termed "snarky" -- It gives the whole "clingy" vibe even if you were NOT being clingy.

We also have no idea what the tone of your email was. We know what you said here. For example, if you said *anything* like "well, I thought we were really clicking, I thought it was going so well and I really feeling something for you" she might have been like "holy shit! slow down buddy, it's been a week!" (in her mind). If you said *anything* that flipped any "falls for women TOO fast" warning signs she might have gotten spooked. In the day or so she took to figure out what to say or how to handle it if you wrote and gave the ol' "you should let me know if you are not interested, you owe me that" it would settle the deal for her. TOO CLINGY!

The bottom line is this -- that "clinginess" would have been *endearing* if she had the hots for you. She just wasn't that into you. She may have been as things progressed but as others have said, you need to cool off and not fall for people so quickly. A lot of people are commitment phobic and they will bolt at the first sign of someone getting *attached* to them.

And I'll add again -- the moment I started getting any of the "well I saw you were online and you didn't even email me" whining I would end things. In my busy life I don't need a guy bugging me that I don't answer his email in the timeframe he thinks he deserves when we are just courting, as long as I respond within the week. Hell, I have best friends I sometimes don't answer for a week! They don't email me and demand an explanation.

You've said in earlier posts that you have fairly limited background in social dynamics. I'll give you the textbook answer of how you should have handled her going away on that trip. It should have been "Great -- Have a nice time, drop me a line when you get back." Period. If she did not write for a week, then drop a line and say "Hey I realized I hadn't heard from you and wanted to say hi -- I was enjoying our exchange. Take care." And then if you heard nothing, drop it.

The point is, the "let's be nice and email when she leaves, then right when she gets back 'to have something waiting' thing and then another day later" is appropriate only if she is DIGGING YOU bigtime, and getting butterflies in her tummy and then she'd find it all cute. But you were nowhere NEAR that stage yet. Not in ten days. So by behaving that way you are playing a risky game -- small percent chance she will like it, big percent chance she'll get turned off. If you thought *maybe* she was really into you romantically already you would still weigh the risk and play it cool just to not freak her out just in case. Because simply -- if she was THAT into you, the absence of a couple of emails would make her miss you more. She'd write as SOON as she got back.

There are books you can read, cheesy as they are, about dating and how to not come on too strong. They are amusing, but do make some interesting points.

Akasha



TexasMaam -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/6/2005 9:43:29 AM)

anthrosub:

before you reply, remember: Dommes are evaluating you as you write.[;)]

Texas Maam



Kasia -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/6/2005 11:07:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

anthrosub:

before you reply, remember: Dommes are evaluating you as you write.[;)]

Texas Maam

Well, speak for yourself, I am not evaluating anyone. Almost all submissives on this message board are either too far from me or too incompatible with what I want.
I am just sorry for the obviously hurt and for no reason offended human being, but I do believe that he should just let it go and move on. Life is not fair and things like that happen.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/6/2005 11:29:01 AM)

I have also blocked folks without warning, if they trip my trigger in some way. Saying "thanks but no thanks" to some men starts the ball of insulting emails rolling.......and Anthro, you mentioned that you already had the home and business addy of this woman? That's a red flag and a half, honestly.

What more can I add? I agree with LA, in that people treat each other badly on the internet----I try to only post things that I would not be afraid or ashamed to say out loud in public. Aakasha is right also, about being pushy. It's a tightrope, trying to suss people out via email. Learn and move on.

Ms Francine



lonewolf05 -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/6/2005 2:14:02 PM)

ok. ok. i swore i would not get in this. but it has bugged me long enough.

i gotta tell ya. in MY shoes...if i was YOU?

set your own limits. if someone doesnt act as YOU figure they should........move on down the line. really!

yeah. "I" wasted time on SOME folks here n there too.
and it got ME p.o.'d real good.

and one day i just told myself no more.

just like edgar allen poe--the raven.....

nevermore!

woofie
take care



anthrosub -> RE: Getting Ignored While Trying to Get to Know a Domme (10/6/2005 3:02:15 PM)

AAkasha,
Thanks for all that you said. I hear you and it all makes good sense...particularly the parts about how emails can come across and how a person's interest level plays a role in whether possible annoyances are overridden or not. I think I was fair in what I said in the last email she received before blocking me. Essentially I said I looked forward to hearing from her again at her convenience, then outlined what I thought were the possible reasons I hadn't heard from her even though she had already been online twice and read the two messages I sent while she was on her trip.

Since those emails said simply, "Have a nice weekend" and "I hope your weekend went well" I can't imagine how they could have started pushing any panic buttons but who knows, maybe they did. I even mentioned perhaps this was a test of sorts on her part as a Dominant. I tried to be clear I was not anxious or overly eager beyond the natural eagerness anyone would feel in wanting to continue what had so far been a very positive dialog.

I give people the benefit of the doubt and always try to hold to the best possible answer to a dubious situation. I stated this as well. The result of being blocked when clearly I demonstrated I was a communicator, is what hit me the most. It's one thing to have said something to insult someone but to have someone slam the door in your face when you are trying to honestly communicate without any head games...well, it sucks.

At this point, I think if she valued getting to know me enough, all the possible annoyances people have speculated on would not have mattered enough to shut me out. I'm very interested in developing a D/s based relationship with someone but after going around the block so many times with all the looney tunes people out there, quite frankly, I'm just interested in getting to know the person...the D/s stuff can come later when it's appropriate. If someone wants to discuss the lifestyle in the course of getting to know me, of course I'll talk about it but always with the frame of mind I just mentioned.

TexasMaam,
Thanks for that reminder...I do try to demonstrate awareness of who I'm talking to in spite of what I just said to AAkasha in my last paragraph. It makes for a tightrope walk in many cases.

Once more, I need to say I think it's a mistake to think feelings or having respect for others takes a back seat just because people online are communicating autonomously. It doesn't cost you anything more to be nice and if a nicer world is what we all would like to see, then here's one way to help make it so.

anthrosub



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