RE: When your sub betrays you.

RE: When your sub betrays you. (Full Version)

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Hippiekinkster -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/4/2008 8:44:03 PM)
A friend on another kink site wrote these words to me not long after I went through something similar. " And that's what I think you need to do, is just move where your energy is, onto this question: What Do I Want My Life To Mean? This is I think our biggest work and challenge and call to joy as well while we're here. Because you are totally right, that it is never wrong loving someone. I think that putting that energy out there is the right thing to do. And just as much, drawing in that energy, like sweet cold water to refresh your spirit is the right thing to do too, and that's why self-love and hoping that this other guy fails is not antithetical to the answer to the big question. It is a way richer experience to go through life as a giver. So many people are at the core a bitter closed fist. However this experience kicked you in the teeth, I think it's important to frame it in your mind in the bigger context of what you want your life to mean - so to stand up to the experience defiantly and say that you loved and took what came."

TheKingofKings -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/4/2008 9:48:53 PM)
Well, it was online, for about a year I'd say. I was planning on moving up there and getting a place, or moving her here.

TheKingofKings -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/4/2008 9:50:15 PM)
Sorry to burst your bubble kiddo, but I'm 21.

goodpuddles -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/4/2008 9:57:13 PM)
puddles wonders a couple of things.. 1) it's possible that someone copied her pictures and just is posting as her. might not be her. (highly doubtful but .. possible) 2) if one hasn't met .. especially after a year.. one is going a bit long in actually bringing the relationship into "real" time. it's easy for someone to live in the fantasy of submission while talking on the phone/email. (just as it is easy for someone to live in the fantasy of domination). if the person isn't willing to meet in real time within a reasonable amount of time a warning flag should go up. what people have said is good advice for the most part. figure out what you are feeling, and either vent or not.. but focus on the good aspects and move on. there are lots of people on the planet.. and someone will be right for you. maybe more than one someone.

mnottertail -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/4/2008 9:58:01 PM)
Don't worry on my account, dawg; I'll scrape it together; 21 and your first betrayal? All the secrets that old car would know, don't you give me no buick; son, you must take my word; if theres a god up in heaven, he's got a silver thunderbird.... I can still hear him sayin; don't you give me no buicks; and them foreign cars --absurd me I want to go down; in a silver thunderbird Selah

gypsygrl -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/4/2008 10:10:57 PM)
That was beautiful. Thank you for posting.

TheKingofKings -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/4/2008 11:28:37 PM)
Wow. Impressive. But it's not my first betrayal. I've already been married. There's a betrayal.

aBondageTop -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/5/2008 12:50:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheKingofKings What do you do when your sub betrays your love? Your Trust? Your enduring spirit to live for her as she supposedly lives for you, only to have her drop off the face of the planet and re-emerge with a new love, leaving you there heartbroken and furious. She didn't betray you. She left you. You didn't even have a RL relationship, and IMHO you had way too much invested in it. Go meet someone FTF and have a real relationship.

Leatherist -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/5/2008 1:03:51 AM)
She got tired of goofing around in fantasy land with you for a year. And found a guy she could do something real with-it happens. Try something local next time. Online LD basically bites rocks and rarely works. Learn your lesson and move on-you being mad only hurts you.

ELUSIVE1 -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/5/2008 5:15:26 AM)
being betrayed, then replaced is never easy...I live by the (5) day rule, if I haven't heard from my love interest in (5) days I assume he has moved on and I have been replaced...then I move on and replace them...

LaTigresse -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/5/2008 5:42:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheKingofKings Well, it was online, for about a year I'd say. I was planning on moving up there and getting a place, or moving her here. Okay, it is Saturday morning and I am feeling magnanimous and you are younger than my youngest child, so I will be gentle. You've just been to internet dating 101 and taken the toughest class. Getting emotionally involved and invested in someone you've not spent face to face time with is not a smart investment. There are lots of people out there that are the gender they say they are, have alot of the same interests you do, yet treat this whole gig like an RPG with no intention or ability of taking it real life. It's the shits for the people they suck into their game but, such is life. The key is to push them towards meeting and spending time together BEFORE your emotions get too carried away. There are lots of little signs with this sort, you've just got to learn to look for them. The reality is, she may even have had several she was stringing along at the same time as you. When one gets too intense and pushy, she ditches and moves on. It's a painful lesson and your going to have to accept that if your going to keep trying the internet dating gig, it might happen again. Your always better off getting out from behind the computer and living life in the physical. It helps pick up on the bullshit factor alot sooner. Good luck to you.

NorthernGent -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/5/2008 5:45:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheKingofKings Wow. Impressive. But it's not my first betrayal. I've already been married. There's a betrayal. A pattern is developing, then.........perhaps a spot of reflection on your own actions would be useful......

SirKaton -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/5/2008 6:01:05 AM)
I can both sympathize AND empathize with you. I had a sub recently walk away from me because she couldn't handle me bringing on another sub although I told her from the door it was going to happen at some point. And while it wasn't the first time she had threatened to walk away, my bottom sub told her in no uncertain terms there was going to be a point when she threatened to walk away, no one would chase her. That time came. Well that happened. And as a result, the chick got upset and proceeded to blast all our those things that were private and scared between a Dom and sub all over a vanilla messageboard we frequented. Her latter actions do not disturb me-I am non-apologetic for my lifestyle and those she has attempted to let sit in judgment of both me and it are wasting their time and energy obsessing about MY life instead of living theirs. Her leaving doesn't either. She has heard not a single word from my lips or fingers since. The thing for me is her lack of maturity in handling the situation and departure. This kind of betrayal is not yours to carry. While I do reflect on what my part of the situation was, I don't dwell too much on it. And in that, there is nothing I can do but understand she will NEVER have it as good as she did with me, that the experiences I gave her was more than she ever thought she was capable of doing, learning and enjoying. So how have I dealt with it? I remind myself that while the physical and sexual things we have done were incredible, the true accomplishment for me has been the degree and magnitude of the MENTAL bondage I have on her mind and soul, so much so, I have consumed her entire existence now since she left. She will forever be searching for something new that will fill the void of what she had that she will never have again, that when my name crosses her mind or lips, that bond we had that she walked away from will still be firmly locked place because she can never get resolution for HER actions. And then simply move on with your life.

LaTigresse -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/5/2008 6:06:07 AM)
I would even go so far as to guess the pattern is for both of them. There is a certain type of woman, driven by her insecurities, that I call the serial dater. My mom is one, my youngest sister and my son's ex. They meet a guy, usually at the end of some terrible relationship with another, feel they have met the "perfect" guy, ditch the terrible one and fall madly "in love" all while, usually, talking about how terrible the one they just ditched was. This sort never is without a man and usually overlaps them. Sometimes even going back to fuck with an ex when a current is misbehaving. She will never be happy in a long term relationship until she realizes the impossible expectations she places on a relationship partner. There is a certain type of guy that tends to be attracted to this sort. The saviour. Oh you poor creature, look how that bad man treated/misunderstood you! Come, let me save you and make it all better. Then he is flabergasted when she follows her pattern and moves on. My mom is in her 60's and still playing that tired game.

Justme696 -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/5/2008 6:46:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse so I will be gentle. wow

LaTigresse -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/5/2008 7:14:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Justme696 quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse so I will be gentle. wow Don't' get your hopes up and start expecting this shit.......

TNstepsout -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/5/2008 7:24:24 AM)
I don't have the same opinion of online relationships as others do. I do believe they can be and are REAL. However, because there is an even greater ability to hide your real self, it's that much easier for the person on the other end to be who you want them to be. I met a guy online about two years ago and we dated in real life. I met his family, kids, Mom, Dad the whole 9 yards and one day Poof! He was gone. Wouldn't answer his phone, wouldn't email or IM me, nothing. No sign of any problems, no arguments, no disagreements, never told me any negative thing about what we had going on. But he just disappeared. I even emailed him practically begging him for a simply "been nice knowing you but I gotta move on" and it never happened. So my point is that if someone can disappear in REAL LIFE and just cut another human being out of their life so completely, then they can do it that much more easily if you have only known them online. There have been hundreds of stories on these forums from people who were stood up at the last minute when the Dom/me or sub of their dreams was due to make a real life appearance. It's a sad fact of online life that a lot of people use the internet to play twisted little mind (and heart) games with others. All I can advise is that in the meantime you concentrate on the GOOD things that came out of this relationship. Did you learn and grow as a young Dom? Did she fulfill you in ways that you needed at that time in your life? Etc.... think about how you progressed as a person and a Dom through the relationship instead of thinking of the betrayal. I wish you luck and don't drink too much. Alcohol is a depressant and will make you feel worse in the long run. Instead try to do something positive like exercise or running or maybe volunteer work.

TheChastiser -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/5/2008 7:35:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TheKingofKings What do you do when your sub betrays your love? Your Trust? Your enduring spirit to live for her as she supposedly lives for you, only to have her drop off the face of the planet and re-emerge with a new love, leaving you there heartbroken and furious. NOTE: While writing this I am trying to get over the shock of it happening to me, that and it took five minutes because my havds are violently shaking, as is my whole body. you say goodbye. you move on. you get sommat better. Mike

TreasureKY -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/5/2008 9:55:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChemistryMaster1 quote: ORIGINAL: Dnomyar Chemistry Master give me a break. Your telling the Op to be a child about it. How did I do that?? You're kidding, right? quote: ORIGINAL: ChemistryMaster1 Be a challenge for her if you want her back, change your way of thinking because you wont win back her heart using the same method you did before. Focus on YOU not her and trust self, once you feel whole within, she will beg you to take her back and when she does, just smile and walk away! find a sexier woman and make sure she knows it, too. What you've recommended is action based on emotional reaction. It's not uncommon for people to have feelings of revenge where the tables are turned in whatever situation has displeased them and they get the chance to "get even". The typical situation is where they feel they've been rejected... by a girlfriend/boyfriend, employer, or someone similar... and they placate their hurt ego by imagining they become the most beautiful, thinnest, sexiest, richest, most talented, or whatever overcomes their insecurities to the point where whoever rejected them can't resist wanting them back... only so they can have the satisfaction of being the person doing the rejecting. Most adults recognize this for what it is... pure fantasy and hardly mature. Sure, it's fine to use a disappointment to motivate self-improvement, but the mature thing would be to make that improvement for you... not to get back at whoever hurt you.

Real_Trouble -> RE: When your sub betrays you. (4/5/2008 10:07:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TreasureKY Sure, it's fine to use a disappointment to motivate self-improvement, but the mature thing would be to make that improvement for you... not to get back at whoever hurt you. I think, at times, revenge is underrated as a motivating factor in life. I don't mean this from a childish perspective, but I mean that competition among humans is a natural state, and anything that motivates you to compete harder to get what you want can be used quite effectively. Likewise, I'm not so sure I'm about to buy into any definition of maturity, either. Most people are staggeringly "immature" by any reasonable standard, so this is sort of like lecturing trees about not photosynthesizing. In short, revenge / vengeance can be a very powerful tool to get yourself motivated to change, work hard, or otherwise achieve things you might not otherwise achieve. This is not to advise foolish use of it, though, or simply reactive use; you have to be careful when playing with fire, but there can be benefits.

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