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Can't get enough - 10/5/2005 3:53:59 PM   
vicinity


Posts: 18
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		I'm a little, well a lot, frustrated because bdsm comes into play only about once per month with my partner. I am bisexual but currently partnered with a woman--if that matters. Sex is otherwise great, very kinky, but I don't get tied up, spanked and tortured enough for my needs. When it happens though, it sends me into orbit. She seems to think a huge scene must be in order to satisfy me and she doesn't have the energy to do that very often. My question for experienced Masters: what are some small daily things you do to keep your sub wet and happy? OR am i just expecting too much? OR must a sub curb these expectations. We are in a power exchange relationship, not collared dom/sub due to this issue. Please advise.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Can't get enough - 10/5/2005 4:36:35 PM   
TampaDaddyBob


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/5/2005
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		Well, first off, almost ALL sub's want what they want when they want it...so what you're asking in general is NOT new.

That said, you need to fill us in on more details:
1) Is your relationship primarliy a vanilla one (ie: are u a couple first, and a Domme/sub second?)
2) Did you have any clear understandings about what each of you were offering as part of your fetish relationship?
3) Have you focused as much of your energy on TOTAL service or only dungeon/bedroom play?

As you ponder those questions.....it's my opinion that many subs feel like you do because there was no clear discussion about how much of the fetish lifestyle would be incorporated into your everyday life?

I also need to ask you this: Do you derive as much joy in preparing her meals, doing her laundry, brushing her hair - as you do when u are tied up, spanked, etc?

If the answer is NO, then you need to truely examine your inner submissive and how true you are being to yourself and your Domme. Unless you both had a clear understanding that your fetish play would be once a month...then you're really thinking more about YOUR needs - also very common!

Perhaps if you were as eager a sub OUTSIDE the bedroom as you were inside, she might reward you accordingly!

(in reply to vicinity)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Can't get enough - 10/5/2005 4:39:38 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: vicinity

I'm a little, well a lot, frustrated because bdsm comes into play only about once per month with my partner. I am bisexual but currently partnered with a woman--if that matters. Sex is otherwise great, very kinky, but I don't get tied up, spanked and tortured enough for my needs. When it happens though, it sends me into orbit. She seems to think a huge scene must be in order to satisfy me and she doesn't have the energy to do that very often. My question for experienced Masters: what are some small daily things you do to keep your sub wet and happy? OR am i just expecting too much? OR must a sub curb these expectations. We are in a power exchange relationship, not collared dom/sub due to this issue. Please advise.


Hold it, back up. You say "She seems to think a huge scene must be in order to satisfy me and she doesn't have the energy to do that very often." What do YOU think? AND have you communicated it to her? I can see why she might be reluctant to give up a major portion of a day, but is it really necessary. What turns you on? Would short, intense scenes work?

By the way, "wet and happy"? It's been my observation that little things may make a submissive wet but they also can lead to raging frustration if that's all that is forthcoming and THAT seems to be a major problem you are already facing.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to vicinity)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Can't get enough - 10/6/2005 9:04:17 AM   
vicinity


Posts: 18
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you for replying to my post. I realize I sound greedy considering the title of my post, but I've taken some time to think about your comments and answer the questions you posed.

1. Our primary relationship is not vanilla, but not 24/7 dom/sub either. It's something in between. We are a gender-bending couple, both female. I'm a very feminine bottom whereas she is a very masculine top. We go in and out of our dom/sub roles when work and kids are involved. She is more of a daddy persona to my little girl.

2. An attempt at collaring failed (we are new at this) because we did NOT have a clear understanding about what each of us were offering as part of our fetish relationship.

3. I am willing to focus as much or more of my energy on TOTAL service as on dungeon/bedroom play. I have a need to serve and I certainly derive pleasure from those activities as well.

It was not a satisfying arrangement for either of us. I needed to feel more structure, but providing that seemed to be a drain for her. Asking for more structure felt like topping from the bottom. I think we learned from the experience, but it leaves me frustrated.



(in reply to TampaDaddyBob)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Can't get enough - 10/6/2005 9:07:26 AM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline
quote:

Well, first off, almost ALL sub's want what they want when they want it...so what you're asking in general is NOT new.


Almost all pepole want what they want when they want it period.

(in reply to vicinity)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Can't get enough - 10/6/2005 9:24:37 AM   
vicinity


Posts: 18
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		Ok, let me back up. Thank you for your patience. My partner and I are communicating about these issues a lot and are trying to negotiate a plan that works for us both. My idea of a short intense scene seems to be her idea of a huge one though. I am multi-orgasmic and very easy to get off, but I swear, if I'm not tied, spanked and beaten, at least twice a month for an hour or two hour session, I get really cranky. She does it,and she does it well, but the prevailing attitude seems to be relief that she doesn't have to do it again for awhile. She thinks if she beats me twice a month, then I will start needing it every week. I CAN see the humour in this, and we good-naturedly discuss these matters. The matter is not a deal-breaker for our relationship, but it IS frustrating for us BOTH.

(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Can't get enough - 10/6/2005 9:50:06 AM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

if I'm not tied, spanked and beaten, at least twice a month for an hour or two hour session, I get really cranky. She does it,and she does it well, but the prevailing attitude seems to be relief that she doesn't have to do it again for awhile. She thinks if she beats me twice a month, then I will start needing it every week. I CAN see the humour in this, and we good-naturedly discuss these matters. The matter is not a deal-breaker for our relationship, but it IS frustrating for us BOTH.


I can understand that. It gets to the point where the NEED becomes something that virtually crawls under your skin.

For me, if the need becomes too great, I also get very cranky. It's worse now, with Master gone on the road and only home twice a month for just a couple days. He feels guilty that I'm not getting that fix that keeps my mind focused on Him (I've found other ways to maintain that focus, but it doesn't diminish the NEED at all), and sometimes I feel neglected, but we discuss how we're feeling, and He makes an effort to give me that release at least once a month. It's really all I can ask of Him under our current circumstances.

Denise
the Kaptin's wench

(in reply to vicinity)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Can't get enough - 10/6/2005 9:55:21 AM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
When I'm with you baby,
I go outta my head.

And I just can't get enough
I just can't get enough

All the things you do to me
and everything you said

And I just can't get enough
I just can't get enough

You're like an angel and you give me your love
and I just can't seem to get enough...ahh


Opps...sorry...Depeche Mode flashback


Taggard



_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to vicinity)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Can't get enough - 10/6/2005 10:31:45 AM   
vicinity


Posts: 18
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks Taggard!

Depeche is what got me into this in the first place.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Can't get enough - 10/6/2005 10:45:04 AM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: vicinity
Depeche is what got me into this in the first place.


Ah yes...the old let's play Master and servant...or most of the Music for the Masses album. Those boys knew all about Power Exchange.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to vicinity)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Can't get enough - 10/6/2005 11:03:43 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I'm a little, well a lot, frustrated because bdsm comes into play only about once per month with my partner.


So are you a sub with a massochistic side or just a massochist? If you are the sub then your partner is the Dom. Your Dom makes the rules when S&M comes into play. When, where, and how is up to him alone. Your best bet is to communicate more with your dom to see what you need to do or not do in order to get more bondage and spanking. "Thank you sir, may I please have another?" Some subs get spankings for punishment while others get them as rewards. Doms are known to hold back S&M as punishment for those who enjoy pain. So keep serving well and it don't be to proud to beg for your needs.



_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to vicinity)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Can't get enough - 10/6/2005 11:22:08 AM   
vicinity


Posts: 18
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks for your input FangsNfeet. So I'm a masochist sub. I enjoy pain and domination from the one I love while happily I serve him. Witholding punishment/domination would be the only 'real' way to punish me (in a bad way), so that type of behaviour would leave me feeling sad and cranky while serving his every need. I'd just as soon still be a housewife in Texas. Not to be cheeky....your point is well taken.

vicinity

(in reply to FangsNfeet)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Can't get enough - 10/7/2005 5:04:13 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I'd just as soon still be a housewife in Texas.


Been there, to pull that off long term you HAVE to be a masochist LOL

(in reply to vicinity)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Can't get enough - 10/8/2005 12:33:53 AM   
SirSix72


Posts: 347
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: vicinity

I a woman--if that matters. Sex is otherwise great, very kinky, but I don't get tied up, spanked and tortured enough for my needs.


ok focus for a minute this need you are feeling is a want, you want to be tied up more and spanked more this isnt a need,,,,,,,,I can understand the want you have as well as why you want it,,,but rememebr it is up to your Dominant to give this to you on her time frame not yours,,,beg her,,,,,

Master Six

_____________________________

I wish you well

(in reply to vicinity)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Can't get enough - 10/10/2005 9:57:02 PM   
OscarHargraves


Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline 		Question...... Have you considered the obvious? Maybe what you need is an 'open relationship' that lets you find one or more Dom(me)s that will do scenes with you more regularly. Group sessions or local clubs might also be an answer.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to vicinity)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Can't get enough - 10/11/2005 11:46:52 AM   
vicinity


Posts: 18
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you, OscarHargraves, for posting. Yes, I have considered 'opening' the relationship. Being aware of our inexperience, I went into contract with my Domme for only one month. During that time (contract has ended), I was very unhappy with the amount of s/m involved. Once in contract, s/m frequency is entirely up to the Domme. That is why I am trying to get help from the community BEFORE I go into contract again. The reason she is giving for the infrequency of s/m is the amount of effort required to do scenes. I know she is talking with a mentor-type friend to get some ideas for everyday maintenance--ways to make me feel dominated without necessarily fabricating and carrying out long scenes. I was hoping this community could help with that(maintenance ideas) also, but I suppose I came across as complaining about something that is a Domme's right. To which i had to agree..... I feel that it's is also up to me to stay in submissive headspace without requiring too much prompting. However, I am new at this.

Back to your suggestion. It's a good one and one we are negotiating. In specific she is inviting another Domme to give me my first caning because that is a skill my Domme has not yet acquired.

Thank you.

vicinity

(in reply to OscarHargraves)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Can't get enough - 10/11/2005 6:17:09 PM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		you know...you have needs..and they are not being fulfilled?
If they were, we would not be reading this Thread.

I say, "Dump her Ass and find someone who can fulfill you, as there are many takers, I am sure."

My point being this, you know what you want.....right?
You have communicated.....right?
You're getting your assed caned, by someone else......right?
Grab the cane and follow her home!
That's your Domme!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to vicinity)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Can't get enough - 10/11/2005 7:45:37 PM   
lilj999


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline 		hi there,

i am a new sub with no Master. i do, however, fantasize . . . a lot. some small things might be:

cage time or being leashed to the bed or leashing yourself (15 minutes at bedtime when Master (or Mistress) is getting ready for bed)

self masturbation (Master times it and if you don't cum in the specified time, you have to wait until the next day)

sleeping with an intimate part of your Master in or near your mouth.

don't know if stuff like this can be worked into daily living. i sure hope so. if you are like me the smallest ritual is exciting and will hopefully keep me focused on serving my Master. good luck.

(in reply to fastlane)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Can't get enough - 10/12/2005 12:11:33 PM   
vicinity


Posts: 18
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks fastlane. You just get right down to it, don't you? Could be good advice. I'm just not ready to give up on an otherwise good relationship....yet. After all, she has less experience than me, and I don't claim a great deal.

(in reply to fastlane)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Can't get enough - 10/12/2005 12:15:48 PM   
vicinity


Posts: 18
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		lilj999. Thanks for those thoughts & ideas. I wonder if Masters sometime lose perspective concerning your statement about the smallest ritual being exciting.

vicinity

(in reply to vicinity)
Profile   Post #: 20
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