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contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 4:38:50 PM

MadameXTC

Posts: 96
Joined: 9/30/2004
Status: offline

Okay so... how many people use contact restriction as a punishment for their submissive or slave? I am currently under contact isolation and it is really bothering me. I understand that it is a good punishment for myself, since it does bother me. At the same time I feel like it is more neglectfull and hurtfull emotionally then it is teaching me a lesson. My situation I am in a 24/7 long term commited relationship. My Dominant travels ot of state to work and I talk to him every night. When the time comes that I want to call him I can't and it make me very depressed. (and I already suffer from depression as it is) The punishment is one week without contact, unless there is an emergency and then I can call, other then that I cannot call, im, or anything to Him. The reason for one week with no contact... I was uncomfortable discussing something with him and he feels I was lying and not just avoiding the subject out of my uncomfortableness. I sent Him an email explaining the situation, but he said he would delete it and not read my reasoning behind avoidiing the question. I feel like crap,I want to email Him about how I feel and my motives for not discussing the subject, but I have to obey the punishment.. I feel so trapped and I am sure this is going to be a long week. I feel that this week is driving me away from my love for Him, and I do deeply love Him. *sighs* what should I do besides cry and then tell him all I feel a week from now? Does it count as an emergency if I am on the verge of a mental breakdown?

Post #: 1

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 4:45:52 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

If I were you, I would take this week you cannot contact him and write him a log of everything you go through. Contact restriction is an excellent punishment, but it sounds like he jumped the gun a bit by punishing you first and asking questions later. I am sure he has his reasons for thinking you were not being honest with him, perhaos it was how you handled your avoidance of the issue, or just a misunderstanding. But since this sounds like your first experience with this sort of punishment, maybe some feedback as to its effectiveness and what srt of mental strain it puts you under might be good for him.
Log everything. Log when you cry, what you think. Write out your entire explination of why you avoided the subject, how you think it might have been handled better, and what you wish you could have said to him. Write out how this punishment makes you feel, and if you think it is being beneficial by making you reflect on what youve done and how precious your contact with him is, or if it is just making you resentful becasue you were not allowed to make your argument before punishment was meted out.

When he returns and you are allowed to contact him again, give him all of that and ask him to read it. It might do nothing, it might make him adjust his punishment techniques or at least get a onger fuse and let you make your case first next time... or he might even say he was sorry.

But it will help you becasue you wont be bottling it all up.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to MadameXTC)

Post #: 2

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 5:44:28 PM

MadameXTC

Posts: 96
Joined: 9/30/2004
Status: offline

awwhh thanks for the advice.. :) I hope a log would let him see my mindframe during the whole situation.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 3

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 6:08:19 PM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I'm sure others will disagree, but I see this kind of "punishment" as destructive. What little I've experienced only eroded trust and damaged the relationship. The way I see it, a relationship requires relating and if you can't interact, why bother?

(in reply to MadameXTC)

Post #: 4

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 6:10:19 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I agree, it is damaging. I have used this TYPE of restriction before but never for more than a day or so to make a point. Which is why I have suggested the log. Thats what I had my boy do that time, and the results I read after gave me a good idea of how effective it was. Not everyone responds the same way to things.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 5

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 6:14:37 PM

SophiaCorrupted

Posts: 69
Joined: 2/3/2008
Status: offline

Personally, I'm the type who'd think that being under this sort of restriction is a roundabout way of saying "I'm not trying to talk to you right now" which is okay, as long as you're honest about such things. It's possible that I just don't see the kink in it though...

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 6

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 6:35:04 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I think DV's method of coping sounds excellent. And since you asked, I think his punishment is juvenile and shortsighted and extremely punitive and excessive. I'm not sure which one I would be more upset about - the fact that he was calling me a liar, or the fact that he wouldn't accept my feelings/reasoning about it, or the fact that he thought a one-week no-contact order was an appropriate way to deal with me.

The fact that you suffer from depression and his punishment makes that worse makes it even more mean-spirited in my eyes.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to SophiaCorrupted)

Post #: 7

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 7:44:16 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I also agree that it can be damaging. In the times I've had contact restriction I've always had one open line of communication open and that is my journal. I knew he read it and I knew it was my outlet. Even if he didn't respond, I knew that was my place to have an outlet. Sometimes a dominant decides that enough has been said or a time out is needed. When you agree to an authority transfer it isn't always going to be pleasant. I think the most amount of time I've had contact restriction was 2 or 3 days.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 8

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 8:15:11 PM

OpeningMySoul

Posts: 9
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

Two sides of the coin
On one side - in reading your profile, I noted that not only have you been in the relationship for the past four years, but you are currently engaged. Also this appears to be your first time posting such a topic (i.e. you don't appear to be a attention junkie) so my inclination is to guess something you said and/or did really hit a nerve. And, if I had to guess, it appears that he needed to step back, rather make a rash decision that he might later regret. So, for you that meant a punishment, and for him.. time to think

Yet on the other side of the coin - I see his behavior as abusive, both emotionally and mentally. Destructive to the dynamic relationship....in the form of disconnection, trust issues and emotional and mental pain. And well, slightly immature since there are many other forms of punishment that are healthier for both you and the relationship. But with that, part of me wonders if the punishment fits the crime, i.e. you were not telling him what he wanted/needed to hear from you.. so therefor he is not letting you speak at all. Mind you, I disagree with the length of time (and the whole concept overall), since a day or two would have proven the point. And well a week, might end up doing much more harm then good.

Now, in no way shape or form do I agree with his actions, or any dominants actions when they make the choice to ignore their submissive. Especially since the topic itself makes my blood boil. But since it is happening to you, you have to make a decision to either find ways to connect with him ... maybe in the form of kneeling, doing a task that he would have requested of you, act as if you are writing to him.. and so forth... or you might disconnect and the relationship could be lost.

So rather then feeling sorry for yourself, and beating yourself up, find a way to stay connected to him in any way you can, since it appears that by the length of your relationship you want it to last.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 9

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 8:20:01 PM

subbieforHisuse

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline

Contact restriction is hard for most submissives; no matter how much "authority transfer" you have given your Dom, it is still hard for submissives to deal with, on an emotional basis.

The 'natural submissive' who's only happiness comes from serving and making her Dom happy, thrives on giving to Him. If and when He choses to withhold all affection, conversation (whether little or a lot), and permission to service Him, it restricts submissives in their serving, giving, and pleasing her Man. This, alone, causes submissives un-due stress.

Doms need to pay close attention to their submissives during this contact restriction, so as to monitor their 'tolerance level'. The mind is a sensitive thing! Take care of what you got.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 10

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 8:27:26 PM

metamorpha

Posts: 35
Joined: 4/2/2008
Status: offline

The day after I was collared, and emailed to tell my Master how much it meant to me and asked Him if it was special to Him, I was given a contact restriction for the next four days because He wanted to watch March Madness basketball. This was not a punishment, but because He wanted free time to do what He wanted. I felt TOTALLY rejected.

In your case He may feel the need to calm down and think. My heart goes out to you completely because I know exactly how much it hurts. I am under another five day restriction, two weeks into the collaring, because He is on a trip. I would rather take a beating than feel that I cannot contact Him.

I found that what helped me, and may help you, is to put your feelings into an email that you never send. Justify to your heart's desire because He will never read it. I have about three of those documents floating around on my computer - one named No Talk Journal. It has in it how hurt I felt, why I felt that I was mistreated, and my wonderings about the relationship. I would never share this with Him but it helped me to keep my sanity during the restriction period.

I'm so sorry for you, sweetie, because I know first hand how much it hurts. Remember that men and women are different, as are subs and Doms, and keep in mind that this DOES NOT mean that He does not care for you. Write to me offline if you need more support.

(in reply to subbieforHisuse)

Post #: 11

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 8:27:26 PM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
Status: offline

I agree. Write down your thoughts and feelings and "emails" or "im" messages to him. Have them ready for him to read when he returns. It will certainly help you to express your feelings as you're having them. Writing is the best therapy in the world for me. .

(in reply to OpeningMySoul)

Post #: 12

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 8:34:21 PM

Floggings4You

Posts: 240
Joined: 12/18/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

I'm sure others will disagree, but I see this kind of "punishment" as destructive. What little I've experienced only eroded trust and damaged the relationship. The way I see it, a relationship requires relating and if you can't interact, why bother?

O/others may disagree, but I'm not one of T/them.

Especially telling, IMO, is the fact that He would threaten to delete (or, actualy delete) your email without reading it, refusing to even consider your opinion/POV. If He isn't interested in understanding your reasons, how can He possibly hope to correct your thinking, if it does turn out that your reasons really were wrong (which I'm inclined to doubt...)?

Further, it doesn't sound as if He gave you any instructions regarding what you can work on or think about during the coming week, to help you avoid this type of punishment in the future (leaving you despondent as well as hopeless--not good!).

Did He give you any indication of what He plans to do to help you, once this week is over?

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 13

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 8:44:18 PM

mstrj69

Posts: 295
Joined: 5/27/2004
Status: offline

If I was him, I would have discussed it with you before enforcing the punishment. Was it too long, maybe but I do not know how long you have gone before without contacting him when you were not in a punishment situation.

It almost sounds as if he has trust problems with you following up on any other punishment. He was going to be gone for a week and that is the only way he could be sure you did not do something you wanted to do. I would have enforced the idea of writing everything down in a journal or even an email and if email had it be an appropriate length and you explaining what you did wrong and why you think it was right of him to punish you and why you should not have done what you did.

Still, you have here to contact others and talk with them about the situation. Good luck to you.

(in reply to kallisto)

Post #: 14

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 10:55:45 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

If you seriously think you're that close to breaking down, it would be best to go stay with someone you trust before it actually gets to that point.

Otherwise, you can either accept the "punishment" and discuss this issue and the previous one when the time is up, or decide this isn't right for you and end it on your own now.

No, I don't use this on the rare times I ever punish in large part because of this reason. Even in punishment, my position as the dom in that relationship is to uphold my responsibility to strengthen the relationship, to use it as a tool to come closer together. I might limit certain forms of contact, I might make time outs to calm down so we can have functioning communication, but just outright restriction...I see no benefit there.

Did you know he would use this as part of his relationships before you committed to him?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mstrj69)

Post #: 15

RE: contact restriction- - 4/5/2008 11:25:28 PM

MadameXTC

Posts: 96
Joined: 9/30/2004
Status: offline

Thanks for all of the support. So at the moment.. I broke down and sent an IM to Him anyways, and I am supposed to come up with a way to "fix" the situation... which I think will just be one long email. I may regret writting an email but I definatly want to get my feelings out to him about everything that is going on. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night sad about the idea of Him being angry at me. Our relationship is a wonderfull one, but many times I feel that we have trust problems. I think it just goes back to the fact that both os us have been married and divorced in our past. It is hard to form any stable trusting relationship once past relationships mold someone's being. I know I will be with Him for the long term and everything will be fine. It's just that the idea that something what I feel is so little seems to make him very upset with me. This is the longest time we have not spoken and both of us are under alot of stress. I am almost done with my first semester of nursing school. He has been having to go back and forth between his children and mine/ours for the last two years. He is miserable here in where we live because there are limited jobs in this area, and I am unwilling to give up school. He is okay with the school decision since it is most beneficial for Us in the long run. It is cheaper and easier for me to obtain a degree where I am at then it would be if we moved back to GA where he is at. There is just so much added stress that is effecting our relationship and straining it. Not to mention I stay with his parents and my two children are toddlers. So yeh my stress level is beyond skyrocketed and the one person I love puts me on contact restriction unless there is an emergency. So despite everything.... I don't see it as mean as some people might because really he had no other way to punish me. He could not take anything else from me since he is so far away and He could not wait the two more months it would take to see me again. ( This will have been the longest we have been apart since we started dating) Did it work? Of course it worked.. I feel that I learned my lesson and that I should share everything with Him, at the same time I often find myself hard to open up about the stupidest simplest things because of fear of rejection for past decisions. *blah* Okay so here goes the email.. thanks again for the support cause like I said my stress is just going insane, and reading other people's thoughts has helped me cope bunches..
hugs to A/all

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: contact restriction- - 4/6/2008 6:02:17 AM

robertolapiedra

Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadameXTC

...The punishment is one week without contact, unless there is an emergency and then I can call, other then that I cannot call, im, or anything to Him... Does it count as an emergency if I am on the verge of a mental breakdown?

Hello Madame XTC. Yes, it is an emergency, call as soon as possible. RL

(in reply to MadameXTC)

Post #: 17

RE: contact restriction- - 4/6/2008 8:29:32 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

It is one thing to close out contact however from what you have written he has closed out COMNUNICATION on this subject. There IS a Problem with that. Perhaps one your Maser did not think of.

It is okay we are all human and make mistakes not something to berate him over.

So I think the very FIRST advice you got was the best. WRITE AND WRITE and make it HONEST and NOT WHINING, and when he gets home and wants to talk to you give him your LOG of emotions of the week as well as how you felt about what got you punished and ask if you can discuss them FREELY and CALMLY.

If you can do this without fail I am sure this will get better, however if you are unable to do this for whatever reason then I can see this going bad.

Only you know your Master figure out the best way to bring up your feelings without makeing the situation worse.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to MadameXTC)

Post #: 18

RE: contact restriction- - 4/6/2008 10:24:59 AM

slavejale

Posts: 174
Joined: 9/22/2007
Status: offline

Greetings to All and all

i too have just recently experienced a contact restriction. it really screwed my brains.

it was kind of my fault but at first i didnt see it.

situation:
i do not live with him but we are r/t face to face. i see Him about maybe three times a week or how ever often our jobs allow us to see each other. We hadnt seen each other for the past week before last Saturday because of both of our jobs, His job mainly. Anyways so i asked him if i could go out last Saturday night. He says yes, and i go. Unfortunately for me, it was a test and well, i failed. so He did not speak to me for a week...and since i am used to talking to Him every day even if we do not see each other, it kind of sent me in a frenzy.

i texted Him and texted Him but no response, until i saw Him yesterday and He explained everything to me. was i mad, HELL YES, did i have a right to be mad, well sort of kind of not. *chuckles*. i do not like tests, they are evil. lol.

well wishes to All and all.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 19

RE: contact restriction- - 4/6/2008 10:36:51 AM

jenara

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/8/2008
Status: offline

i think making a log of your feelings and experiences during this week is an excellent idea to give feedback about this punishment. I would say i think it's too severe but i am not wearing his shoes, but i know i would find lack of contact as a punishment as extremely difficult to handle.

tina

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 20

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