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Prinsexx -> RE: What's the worse BDSM experience you've ever had? (4/7/2008 5:14:43 PM)
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ORIGINAL: lronitulstahp
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ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
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ORIGINAL: lronitulstahp
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ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
Gang bang date raped (Rohypnol--flunitrazepam?), at 14 years old.
It took me over 20 years and more to recover the memories. It forms the basis of both my fantasies but also my loss of personal welf-worth when I get triggered during scenes.
It pushed the threshold so low as to what I expect as acceptable treatment of me that I have been beaten in vanilla relationships without consent, become addicted to hypnotics of all types to ease the pain of the past, self-harmed and caught in the grips of anorexia because of self-loathing, sunk even lower in self-worth to the point often of suicidal depresion. It has also taught me that it is possible to escape from, overcome and master even the most degrading and powerless moments in one's life and to help others even at times when it is difficult to help oneself.
i'm sorry that happened...but was it a BDSM experience? i mean, were you scening or with BDSM types at the time?
How the hell would I know? The amnesia precedes as well as encompasses the event. Fragments of memories are what return but in no particular sequential order. I think it was a bdsm scene for some of them for sure.
my question is...were you already a participant in BDSM prior to the rape? You mentioned it was a date rape...so was it an innocent teenage date gone awry, or a D/s thing that went crazy? Were YOU aware that it was BDSM, at the time??? i hope that's clearer...i don't mean to bring it up over and over...but i think to say it's BDSM if you weren't aware would be even more unfair to you, as a victim....
The opening thread was what's the worse bdsm scene. When I was fourteen I had hitched to London with two friends. We got opicked up by 'friends' to watch a band. Their friends took us to their place. I rememebr thick shag pile carpet, being passed a glass of champagne...I knew instinctually there was going to be sex...and then fragments....laying on the floor unable to reach my glass, invuluntary loss of movement, an intense relaxarion and overwhelming drunkeness.....a half opened door, anal, oral sex, being tied up by the writs, and double penetration, face smacked and half woken, no sense of pain but being aware there should have been......all round it was like being sensually restrained...restraint without ropes. Complete loss of awareness mixed with narcotic type time, no pain but the extent of the brusing and swelling and signs of use creeping upon my body days later.
Sure it was bdsm for those who were in charge of it...sure it was sane even though it was an altered reality...but as to whether it was safe? not in my recollection as it was all bare backed....and consensusality? certainly not. No one gives a girl ro-hypnol and then gets her to sign a contract.
Having guilt? no......the drug takes even that response away. Guilt was fed into the experience by those whom I later, much later I felt intrusted to tell.
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