slavemaia
Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: KindLadyGrey
As a Dominant, I have this dilemma. I have a great respect for the personal autonomy of others. It is in fact, one of the guiding principles of my life: people have the right to make their own decisions and make their own mistakes. It is not my place to tell another person how to live their life.
Until it is. Because that person wants me to.
So here are my questions for the submissives here, and they are rather nuanced so I hope they make some kind of sense.
Being Dominant in predefined time periods, like a scene or a single date, is no problem. But figuring out how and when it is appropriate to take that to the next level and start taking control of a submissive's daily life is another thing entirely.
The questions:
What is the best way to approach a submissive about this issue? When is a good time? Do you prefer a Dominant to take a lot of control right away or gradually ease her/his way into your life? What's the most politic way to tell a sub to stop pansy-footing around and kneel at your feet already? How do you like a Dominant to communicate that she/he likes you?
The default answer to all of these questions is the old "communication and negotiation" mantra, and while this is certainly true, I find the clinical nature of that lacking in romance, and in practice things like this often happen more organically.
The Lady you have been seeing calls you AT WORK one day and tells you to go to the bathroom and remove your shorts. The man who was not previously your master presses you against the wall at a party and says "You are mine." and you squeak "Yes sir!" The Mistress you've been flirting with for weeks suddenly slaps you across the face and says "Enough of this crap. You're coming home with me."
Or perhaps things happen less dramatically, in a more subtle fashion. He says "pet, don't smoke that cigarette, let's go get some ice cream." She starts buying you nice clothes, but does not explicitly insist that you wear them. He pulls you into his arms for a cuddle in a vanilla setting. She strokes your hair and tells you that she is going to kiss you now.
So, which is your preference? As a sub, how would you prefer these transitions to be made? What expectations do you have of the Dominant? How much of your personal autonomy are you comfortable with being taken from you?
i for one have never, nor would i just blatantly relinquish control of myself or my life to someone who simply claimed to be a dominant or who demanded things immediately. The Dominants i know who have had any r/l experience at all don't even expect that, except for perhaps in an agreed upon period of time such as a scene. In terms of a way of life, prior to accepting His collar i got to know Him well. For me it was different since we were both pretty new to all of this and so He didn't come on with all this bravado. If anything i've had to rid myself of the silly ideas that a Dominant is some theatrical tyrant whose only focus is torturing His slave - lol.
We began to get to know each other like any 2 people would and we talked about everything. We "dated" and spent alot of time on the phone and we weaved in and out of D/s for a long time. i've tended to see an interest in D/s the same way i see an interest in anything. If 2 people are passionate about music, one of them doesn't have to play at who they are in order to share that interest. i feel the same with M/s. i am who i am - contained within me may likely be just as many dominant characteristics as my Master has. The difference for me is that i don't find the sense of fulfillment in living in those characteristics. For reasons i can't honestly explain, even to myself, i find surrendering to be the ultimate bliss and not just erotic surrender.
No - i did not submit right away and we had several heated arguments over it. No - i didn't roll over and say oh thank You for being so kind as to take control of me. It's taken a lot of time, patience, work, joy, tears, frustration, satisfaction - all of it. It's a process and it's on going for us both. The most important ingredient we had to offer each other is willingness to learn and to persist. Having lived for over 50 years on my own, i had no delusions that someone else knew me better than i or that someone else had my best interests at heart instantly. Now our scening was always one thing. i had no trouble trusting Him there, but the fact was play has always been a very mutually enjoyable thing and i have never experienced it as requiring any genuine degree of trust. Turning over my bank account - well that took alot of work on my part. But i am the individual i am and realize everyone does it how they do it.
Since it's been my experience and it's led to a successful relationship, one that we are both very happy in, i tend to think that the way i did it was a good way to do it. Take your time, battle it out if you have to - i've never understood the subs who find it all so easy to submit - but that's what makes the world go around. i've envied them at times, but have never really understood how they do it. ha ha. In terms of personal autonomy - it has happened little by little. Sometimes i've had to take giant leaps, other times it's been small steps. It was a testing period for both and i think a very necessary one before any serious vows or commitment is made. i met alot of players and actually thought there was something wrong with me because i just wasn't satisfied with that. So i guess in the long run, it depends on what you really want and how much you want it.
_____________________________
She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia
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RE: Respect, Personal Autonomy, and Submission - 
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