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WickednU -> Release (4/8/2008 5:04:54 AM)

The question isn't if. I will release my submissive soon. Not through email or chat but face to face as it should be done. That takes a few days given she is married. The question is how much of the why I will tell her, and perhaps why I broke something of a personal rule in the first place with her.

Some background. I've been in the lifestyle long enough to no longer care for the players. We're talking most of my adult life if you want "long enough" in terms of years. Some of that time was while I was married in a vanilla relationship. I know... and it weighed upon me until I left that relationship in the right way - which was not for anyone other than what I knew I needed out of life. Sometimes no matter how much you care for someone, it's almost a service done for you both if you go separate ways. Fast forward to about 6 months ago. I met someone from another site. Intelligent, fairly new to D/s, but not naive either. We talked, chatted, met, and finally came together for our first session after a couple of months. Somewhere along that time, I learned she was an ex AFF member. This is the gray area of the personal rule. I've avoided AFF rejects for a long time, and usually been short and not so friendly with them. I just can't stand the mentality. Somewhere along that road where I lost interest in the players, AFF people dropped to a caste lower than swamp water.

Even so, I'm not a micro-manager. What's done is done. What's history is history. My own history has had its not so brilliant moments and I'm not one to judge another's past. The sessions were intense from the first. I took my time with her since she was relatively new, but the intensity was there and was strong. I'm still taking my time with her or have been until recently. I know what I want. I don't have to guess or fumble or try and figure it out. Each session has had its lessons attached, its moments of intensity broken by time to talk, time to laugh, just time. We're talking long sessions here, 8, 9, even 10 hours at a time. I sent her home sore in every part of her body, some of it from the discipline, some from cumming so much. Aside from knowing what I want and will have, I also generally know what I'm doing. A submissive wandering around work with marks on her from her Dom and so sore between her legs that she cringes when she pees is a good thing in my book. It is a good reminder.

I knew she had a lot of contacts from her past. I didn't bother me. I'm not an insecure man. I know what I can do to a submissive and know there are very few who can make them feel the same way. That's not bragging. It's simple truth. I view D/s in terms of an enveloping mind/body/emotional aspect. When all three of those are touched, it's something past powerful. It is erotic. It is intense. It is warm, safe and comforting. It is freedom. She learns to lean, to trust, what you expect her to give and what you will give to her. She learns she can trust, and for some that simple fact can be as powerful as anything else.

So why are we at the point of release? That too is simple. A stray comment brought took me to a D/s site and there I found her. Her profile is blank, but it is her. That, in itself, doesn't bother me. There is room to learn in many places, room to find similar thoughts, room to talk. Again, I'm not an insecure man. It's the join date and the online dates that kind of cork this bottle. Her join date was 6 weeks ago. Her last online date was the day after our last session. Which makes me wonder if you can ever take AFF out of a person, and what you have to do to teach someone that there is no reason to hide. That is the part that boggles my mind, because it is something I teach from day one and something in which I firmly believe. If you have to hide, or feel that you must, then something is wrong. I could care less who she talks to. That isn't the point. The point is, she is there and without the stray comment, I would never have known. If I'd not been involved in D/s for a long time, that stray comment would have had no meaning. I won't question her about it. I don't chase submissives in that manner. It's not something I've ever done, nor something I will start now.

So I will release her. Maybe that makes me cold because the feelings are growing. I'm sure some will say that having that ability to shut it down makes me cold. The truth is, it doesn't shut down.. it's just not healthy nor worth the time to continue. That may make sense to some, not to others.

The question I have then is simple and applies to both sides of this conversation. As a submissive, how much do you want to know when release comes? As a Dominant, how much do you feel the need to explain when a basic concept is broken? And this is one of the most basic for me. I'd have given my blessing had she asked or told me. That's the point that I've made with her from the start. Don't hide. There is no reason to. And yet, we're here.





metamorpha -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 5:24:52 AM)

As a sub I would prefer to have the issue discussed with me.  If I was doing something innocent that made me look guilty I would want the chance to explain myself.  If the decision was still that the Dom no longer wanted me, but I completely understood why, at least I could take with me that training.



SimplyMichael -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 5:39:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WickednU

The question isn't if. I will release my submissive soon.

Some of that time was while I was married in a vanilla relationship. I know... and it weighed upon me until I left that relationship in the right way - which was not for anyone other than what I knew I needed out of life. Sometimes no matter how much you care for someone, it's almost a service done for you both if you go separate ways. 

A submissive wandering around work with marks on her from her Dom and so sore between her legs that she cringes when she pees is a good thing in my book. It is a good reminder.


Lucky girl, the sooner the better.



orfunboi -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 5:40:48 AM)

I try to be honest in all my relationships. If I break up with someone, I see no reason to hide the reasons and would definately tell her them.

I am curious though, you mentioned she is married. Was she honest with her husband about your relationship?



lanie38 -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 5:52:51 AM)

Why wouldn't you tell her???? Is this a trick question??

This post reeks of insecurities and back-handed passive aggression...God yes..release her and quick..(for her sake)




angelikaJ -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 5:57:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WickednU





I knew she had a lot of contacts from her past. I didn't bother me. I'm not an insecure man. I know what I can do to a submissive and know there are very few who can make them feel the same way. That's not bragging. It's simple truth. I view D/s in terms of an enveloping mind/body/emotional aspect. When all three of those are touched, it's something past powerful. It is erotic. It is intense. It is warm, safe and comforting. It is freedom. She learns to lean, to trust, what you expect her to give and what you will give to her. She learns she can trust, and for some that simple fact can be as powerful as anything else.

So why are we at the point of release? That too is simple. A stray comment brought took me to a D/s site and there I found her. Her profile is blank, but it is her. That, in itself, doesn't bother me. There is room to learn in many places, room to find similar thoughts, room to talk. Again, I'm not an insecure man. It's the join date and the online dates that kind of cork this bottle. Her join date was 6 weeks ago. Her last online date was the day after our last session. Which makes me wonder if you can ever take AFF out of a person, and what you have to do to teach someone that there is no reason to hide. That is the part that boggles my mind, because it is something I teach from day one and something in which I firmly believe. If you have to hide, or feel that you must, then something is wrong. I could care less who she talks to. That isn't the point. The point is, she is there and without the stray comment, I would never have known. If I'd not been involved in D/s for a long time, that stray comment would have had no meaning. I won't question her about it. I don't chase submissives in that manner. It's not something I've ever done, nor something I will start now.

So I will release her. Maybe that makes me cold because the feelings are growing. I'm sure some will say that having that ability to shut it down makes me cold. The truth is, it doesn't shut down.. it's just not healthy nor worth the time to continue. That may make sense to some, not to others.

The question I have then is simple and applies to both sides of this conversation. As a submissive, how much do you want to know when release comes? As a Dominant, how much do you feel the need to explain when a basic concept is broken? And this is one of the most basic for me. I'd have given my blessing had she asked or told me. That's the point that I've made with her from the start. Don't hide. There is no reason to. And yet, we're here.





It is possible that she doesn't see it as hiding because to her it truly is no big deal.
Obviously you perceive it as such, but she could be on there for many reasons (as you yourself have stated) that have nothing to do with her "looking".
The day after a scene: perhaps she was seeking some insight from a friend as she was processing what had happened or the aftermath/afterglow of what had transpired between the 2 of you.

I appreciate that you have told her that there is no need to hide.
I understand that you feel this is a betrayal of your trust.
I am wondering why the first conclusion you came to was negative.

And yes, tell her why.



tsatske -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 6:18:58 AM)

I'm thinking like angelica did. I am on so many 'sites', i doubt i have mentioned them all to Master. I think you attach too much importance to what goes on 'online'.
Yes, the importance is greater than zero. I met Master 'online'. the people we talk to are real.
But if I am surfing around, and i come to a page i want to see, no matter how casual my curiously, if it wants me to register - if the registration is free, easy, fast, and requires minimal personal info - i do it. so much that i will often do it for a site that then informs me that my first choice of nick is taken. Now, that happens to most people, but my nick is unique, and usually when that happens to me i just back out and sign in, because it usually means i registered long ago and have forgotten.
I'm wondering how many sites i'm on without mentioning it to master. of course, he has total access to my computer, and could check my history anytime he wants - but it either comes up in conversation, or it does not. no big deal. Some sites we talk about a lot. The boards here. some of my lists. Flylady. weight watchers. bootcamp buddies. three fat chicks.
some get mentioned once. when we were first talking, i sent him to takeninhand, because i love that site. I don't think it has been mentioned since. trust me, that man needs no instruction on how to take his slut in hand.
i wonder if Master even knows I go to BDSM library, where i was today, looking for a story for someone?
Oh, you say, that's different, those aren't meeting sites. Most BDSM sites that serve as meeting sites also have so many other functions. how many people could she possibly be trying to meet, with a blank profile?
Yes, I think you are incredibly insecure. why, when a 'passing comment' alerted you, did you not just ask her? why are you afraid to open a conversation?
What is your issue with a former history of AFF? gg, they are so ubiquitous, it would not be a surprise to me if someone had an unused 'membership' there. why would it be an issue? I have never belonged - but i'm a little kinky for them, imo. I did, however, have a beautiful and delightful former sister slave who had an active membership. She was a delightful little slut and she liked her quick meetups and 'zipless fucks' in her dorm room. It bothered neither me or my master at the time not at all, other than asking her questions to make sure she was being as safe as possible.
You are clearly saying your relationship agreement included having nothing to hide. did you specifically tell her not to belong to certain types of sites? or to tell you if she did? I think you need to think about what you need from a sub, and make it clear, or you will be repeating this dance ad nauseum.



SNoB -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 6:21:05 AM)

Im pretty involved with my local community, and alot of those people have been involved in it for 20+ years.  When I hear about someone that doesnt like the local community but tries to pick people up off of websites instead, certain questions come up in my mind.



DesFIP -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 6:22:23 AM)

A stray comment with no communication about it and immediately you're releasing her. If that's your style, then the sooner she's free, the better for her.

Talk about being declared guilty without a trial.



WickednU -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 6:23:36 AM)

Telling her why isn't the point. That I will do. The first conclusion wasn't exactly negative, but I will say that once you start looking, msn's live search of cached pages can reveal a lot, and in this case did. That's how I knew the blank profile was hers, because, well it wasn't always. It took all of about 10 minutes to work it out. The question isn't whether or not to tell her why, but how much to explain when the basis of what you've spent six months trying to teach her, and showing her is something of a broken foundation. I can and will listen to the reasons why, but what I won't do is pick it apart by what 10 minutes of looking showed me. If there's one thing worse than catching someone, it's working them through the process. The whole prospect is distatesful. Granted, things may have changed since the original posting. Who knows when the silence is there to begin with? And how much of yourself are you going to keep investing when the silence continues? It has nothing to do with back-handed passive-agression lanie. It has to do with the fact that when I sit down and talk to her about it, and tell her why, I'm not going to go through what it really means when I can see what it really meant. If that makes sense. Shrug.



Dnomyar -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 6:30:31 AM)

Have to agree with Michael and lanie on this one.



SNoB -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 6:30:38 AM)

It sounds like you already have your mind made up and are looking for some sort of justification, or reassurance that you are doing the right thing.  It doesnt look like you will get it here.  At least not without sharing details.  If I were you, I would just sit her down and say "what the fuck is this?" whatever it may be, rather than drag it through a public forum.



sirsholly -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 6:32:36 AM)

i think you are just pissed that you cannot control her.



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 6:39:09 AM)

IF i was your submissive and you had an issue/problem with me, i would expect you to discuss it immediately not procrastinate waiting days for the right moment.  the longer you wait to tell and release her the longer you drag out this issue between you two

mho



lanie38 -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 6:40:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WickednU

Telling her why isn't the point. That I will do. The first conclusion wasn't exactly negative, but I will say that once you start looking, msn's live search of cached pages can reveal a lot, and in this case did. That's how I knew the blank profile was hers, because, well it wasn't always. It took all of about 10 minutes to work it out. The question isn't whether or not to tell her why, but how much to explain when the basis of what you've spent six months trying to teach her, and showing her is something of a broken foundation. I can and will listen to the reasons why, but what I won't do is pick it apart by what 10 minutes of looking showed me. If there's one thing worse than catching someone, it's working them through the process. The whole prospect is distatesful. Granted, things may have changed since the original posting. Who knows when the silence is there to begin with? And how much of yourself are you going to keep investing when the silence continues? It has nothing to do with back-handed passive-agression lanie. It has to do with the fact that when I sit down and talk to her about it, and tell her why, I'm not going to go through what it really means when I can see what it really meant. If that makes sense. Shrug.



I'd say don't waste your time or hers...just say it..
"I expected you wouldn't create a new profile on any sites while you were my sub, but you did and  I don't want you anymore"

See, there you go, easy as pie...and that may take about 90 seconds...

Good luck!

ps and btw my passive aggressive comment had nothing to do with what you may or may not require from a sub..my comment was directed specifically to your post which appears to me to seek sympathy from someone whose insecurities are blatently written here in black and white..but that's just my take...and who am I?



piperpilot -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 6:45:00 AM)

sometimes you have to release them so they can grow. my slave "k" has struggled with my being a poly Master almost since we met. she knew I was poly but thought she could deal with it and it wouldn't bother her. It has! she has given me an ultimatum more than once. the last time I took my collar from her, and she spent a very miserable week crying and wondering if I would take her back. I did. and then she spent a miserable night watching as I had another slave over, along with another Master and his slaves. She learned a lot, she learned to finally trust me and my wife, and she learned that I do care for my slaves and what they go through. she had a very hard time for that week, but she now knows that it was necessary and worth it. she will not give me any more ultimatums and she will always be super honest with me. My point is that sometimes release is necessary for the lessons you are trying to get across. However if you are releasing her and have no intention of taking her back, I would be happy to take her on as one of mine. Sometimes a Master has his stand and he cannot change it. If you really feel that you were totally and completely, purposely deceived then yes you should give her the release so that she may find another Master. There are many good Masters out here. Best to you and to her, Master Robert
P. S. I did not collar the new slave, she didn't work out for us          



Missokyst -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 6:46:18 AM)

What is AFF?
And also, in my personal opinion your releasing her can't come too soon.  Can we say passive aggressive?
Add insecure to the that as well.  LOL geesh, upset because she joined a site? Did you think you were so wonderful that she would think of nothing but you after your encounter?  She probably needed to vent./discuss./think about things.  If it is that simple act which makes you lose tenuous control, good thing she did. 

Kyst



angelikaJ -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 6:46:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WickednU

Telling her why isn't the point. That I will do. The first conclusion wasn't exactly negative, but I will say that once you start looking, msn's live search of cached pages can reveal a lot, and in this case did. That's how I knew the blank profile was hers, because, well it wasn't always. It took all of about 10 minutes to work it out. The question isn't whether or not to tell her why, but how much to explain when the basis of what you've spent six months trying to teach her, and showing her is something of a broken foundation. I can and will listen to the reasons why, but what I won't do is pick it apart by what 10 minutes of looking showed me. If there's one thing worse than catching someone, it's working them through the process. The whole prospect is distatesful. Granted, things may have changed since the original posting. Who knows when the silence is there to begin with? And how much of yourself are you going to keep investing when the silence continues? It has nothing to do with back-handed passive-agression lanie. It has to do with the fact that when I sit down and talk to her about it, and tell her why, I'm not going to go through what it really means when I can see what it really meant. If that makes sense. Shrug.


if I understand, and I realise I may not be getting a clear picture...
A)at one time her profile wasn't blank but now it is*...
B)she didn't tell you about said profile (which might be because to her she didn't see it as hiding, since if you are on a site and are NOT looking, you have no reason to hide)
C) you are one of those rare and gifted mind-reading Doms...

Seriously, I do not mean any disrespect.
Honestly, to me it seems as though it is possible that because you have developed some feelings for her you are now being hyper-vigilent and have come into a way of thinking to disengage yourself from those feelings and from her.
At any rate it appears as though you are interpreting the data in such a way that it supports your hypothethis.

You are inferring a lot from a blank profile (*often when people are looking their profiles aren't blank...)




subtee -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 6:46:41 AM)

Honesty is, of course, a cornerstone in the foundation of any relationship. That said, I wonder about the "gray area" that is AFF for you and how much you have articulated your concerns about it with her. How gray is gray? How much did she understand?

On the other side of the slash, if you had told her (for what ever reason) not to wear pink or not to eat pickles and she went behind your back to a pickle-eating party with a pink tu tu on, she's bucking your dominance and then it's your right, it seems to me, to release her. Especially if she understood that if she came to you and said, "hey I got this invitation to a pickle-eating party and I'm thinking of wearing my pink tu tu," and that you would give then give your blessing. Again because of the honesty thing. She did something that you had made a no-no, therefore, trust is shaky at best.

Since we can't know her side of the story, I guess the question becomes, what do you believe would be the benefit to her and to you to explicate in depth the reasons for her release? If there is benefit to both of you, I believe you should. If it would hurt her or exacerbate the situation for you, then no. If it's over it seems to me there is no reason to contribute to further negativity.



Taboo4Two -> RE: Release (4/8/2008 6:48:47 AM)

Did you ever actually tell her not to participate in any of the adult oriented sites? How is a submissive to know she broke a rule if it was never made clear what the rule was? Without any clear direction from you on what was acceptable and what was not, how is she at fault? Did you expect her to be prescient?

Clear communication is at the heart of any good relationship even when its too late to save it.

Domino



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