MadameMarque
Posts: 1128
Joined: 3/19/2005
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The thing about enacting fantasies: you've got a whole world, in your head, about what it means to be a dominant, a submissive, to have a scene, what would make it good, sexy, hot, what you mean when you say you want to be forced, or beaten, or humiliated, that you want them to take charge, etc, etc....
then, you meet someone else, who has their own ideas and imagination. On top of that, you each may also have read other people's definitions and descriptions of how things go. Maybe you really try to listen to each other and you think you've come to a meeting of the minds.
And then you actually do something together, and one or both of you is saying, "No, not like that!" Just like you're saying, his slapping your face and insulting you is not what you find acceptable. I will say, your instincts about that are absolutely right. But in some cases, the person who does something clueless like that may actually think that they're responding to what you say you want, what you've agreed to.
Why wasn't that scene you described acceptable? Wasn't the worst of it the word "dumb"? Why? Because it's a real insult, something that tears you down. Not "love talk," those words that make you feel dominated or humiliated but excited. It reminds me of a man who bragged to me about how he was topping his girlfriend. They were in a consensual BDSM relationship. But he was describing how he would make her feel so geniunely bad, so anxious, guilty, and doubtful about herself, that she would cry. He didn't understand why this was, in fact, genuinely abusive. He didn't get the difference between this and the fun "use me, abuse me, humiliate me," that does not tear people down but excites them. Unfortunately, she didn't have the instinct for her boundaries to go up around this, either.
The slap was edge of your limits, for you. Had all else been good, it probably wouldn't have been a deal breaker, would it? Whether you'd had to stop the scene because it was too much or whether he'd built up you up to it, and made it work for you, then brought you back from it - assuming he didn't violated an agreement by slapping, and if he hadn't accompanied it by an insult that brought things to a whole different, bad playing field, the two of you might have been okay, despite the slap. I suspect that the slap could have been worked around, but the insult indicated an important difference in sensing what's healthy and fun and what's not.
All this is to say that whether a person had been vanilla and develops an interest in BDSM, or already identifies as dominant, it's really about that sense of how to be loving and elevating, maintaining that at core, even when doing things that apparently are contradictory to that, in BDSM. You can find people in the scene who understand the difference. But as I think you're indicating in your post, finding the right individual(s) and the right sense of how to treat someone is foremost.
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Corrupting Vanilla - 
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