RE: ~~Barricades~~ The walls we build to protect ourselves

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BlackPhx -> RE: ~~Barricades~~ The walls we build to protect ourselves (4/10/2008 10:23:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah Trust is a Two way street in my book. I just wonder who some people protect it so tightly they never really give it out again. I have to think that would be lonely, spending the rest of your life never really willing to trust anyone. Steel Trust is indeed a two way street, but not all of us can give it so easily. Oh we can trust regarding things that don't really matter pretty easily..here drive my car, check in the fridge if your hungry, go ahead and hit me, but that is the thing, they don't really matter and if you betray that trust, you are really not going to cause that much damage or damage we can't and aren't prepared to handle. I can hanlde most pain you are going to toss my way physically, and if you kill me, well not going to be a problem for me to deal with is it? Emotionally? That trust is very hard to give and letting someone behind those barricades is the hardest thing I know I will ever do. The errosion of emotional trust does not always have a tie-in with adult relationships, they can go all the way back to infancy and parental /sibling trust, through the school years with peer pressures and rejections and onwards. Rejection during the infancy-toddler period (including abuse, foster care, and neglect) can lead to something called Detachment disorder, a difficulty in forming any sort of emotional attachment with another person. Barriers erect to protect the child and they don't come down easily and can affect all the way into adulthood very easily. It is extremely hard for me to form an emotional relationship with someone. Very few have ever gotten that much trust from me, my 1st husband, my children, my 2nd husband until he began abusing the kids and my Master. Anyone can get my friendship, my respect, and my compassion but let you in where you can hurt me emotionally? Just aint that much trust. Love is a four letter word and it is not always a positive one. You trust easily and to some degree that is good as long as it is not indescriminate, but there are a lot of people out there who are like feral cats. They want to be loved, want to be held, but it is awfully hard to trust someone in a world where little boys set you on fire and others throw water at you to run you off. It takes a lot of patience and effort to get a feral cat to trust you enough to touch them. It takes just as much patience and effort to do it to a skittish person, and while one would think that someone is aware of all of their barriers, most are not and are just as confused about why they can't seem to get past the first steps. I was lucky, after a very long search Master and I found each other and he is still willing to deal with the barriers I erect constantly and the challenges that get laid at his feet because of them. They are a lot less than when we first met, but they are still there, he's just finally getting to see behind them. poenkitten

ladyfado -> RE: ~~Barricades~~ The walls we build to protect ourselves (4/10/2008 2:32:55 PM)
Some barriers need to remain up. Boundaries are there to keep us from doing something stupid. My brick wall comes up in front of married/separated men. That may not be an issue for others, but it is for me. And I don't like being pushed or obligated into a situation with a strange man. So I find it extremely useful to weed out bed jockeys by simply saying, no instant gratification, no sex or scening for a very long time. Hey, it may not be what some folk want to hear, but it's what I want and I feel safe with these barriers/boundaries.

Leatherist -> RE: ~~Barricades~~ The walls we build to protect ourselves (4/10/2008 2:47:39 PM)
I feel the same way about women who come here-because they see a Dom as a potential dad for thier kids. I guess "wannamates" are a limit with me.

MaamJay -> RE: ~~Barricades~~ The walls we build to protect ourselves (4/10/2008 8:35:16 PM)
I would describe the situations Steel is in as being involved with people who have a rejection issue. They are so terrified of BEING rejected that they believe attack is the best form of defence ... so they reject others first. And they keep on doing it, long after the other person feels they have more than proved their trustworthiness. Some of them get really tricky ... they open the door and let you get partway in ... then slam it shut. And they can do that over and over again. And eventually ... and it could take many months or even years ... the rejected one finally gives up on the relationship, for their own sanity ... and the frightened one then has fulfilled their own prophecy "See, I KNEW they'd reject me someday! I was right all along!" ... entirely missing the fact that THEY brought this about. Been there, done that, have the scars to prove it ... and at the end, some things were said that prove that he had no understanding of My real character whatsoever because he had been so busy projecting his own fears and insecurities onto Me. And sure enough, the next sub I seriously trialled turned out to have exactly the same problem [&:] However this time I was much more awake to it ... and I did try to deal with this in a calm and rational way with the person. Explanations as to what was at the core of it, examinations of their past relationships trying to help them see the common thread, trying to bring them to a state of self awareness. And not imposed by Me either, they purported to want to go there, to want to find out what was keeping them from happiness. But in the end (and this was over a few months including stays of several weeks 24/7) ... the old barricades flashed back up and they reverted to the old game plan of reject reject! This time I was 100% committed into not playing their game, so instead of pulling away Myself (fulfilling their prophecy) I hung in through all manner of crap and insults until finally, they had to take responsibility for it and reject Me. A small victory but hopefully eventually it might pay off for them in helping them come to a better awareness of these issues. Maybe some of what I said in those long long talks has taken root and will eventually flower. I hope so ... for their sake. I am now in discussion with a sub who so far, seems not to have this issue ... time will tell! Meantime, it is up to Me to approach him with a new and fresh heart and not to be jaded or unduly influenced by My own past baggage. Not always easy to do ... but important to try! Steel, in short, I feel for Your situation, it is tough, I know. And tougher still to find a third! And because I am a caring kind of Domme who doesn't believe in dominating someone until this has been negotiated, I have also been accused of being "not Dommly enough" by boys who want (they think at least) a "cold bitch" type of Domme. Frustrating!! My way around that is to start being Dommly not so much in terms of control but in My choice of terms of endearment. Saying things like "little one, boy" etc seems to get subs feeling subby without actually exerting control over them. It seems to inspire confidence that You will step up and be Dommly when it's warranted. Seems like a little thing but hey, if it works ... [;)] Good luck! Maam Jay aka violet[A]

CalifChick -> RE: ~~Barricades~~ The walls we build to protect ourselves (4/10/2008 9:48:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MaamJay Saying things like "little one, boy" etc seems to get subs feeling subby without actually exerting control over them. It seems to inspire confidence that You will step up and be Dommly when it's warranted. Seems like a little thing but hey, if it works ... [;)] Well, see, that would probably work great except that our dear friend Steel already said he wasn't willing to listen to her, to try to understand what she was saying, because he KNEW what she was thinking and what she had decided and all. He just went off on a tirade about how he wasn't trying to dominate her, so why would she say she was not feeling submissive towards him. I guess he would know if he asked her or listened to her instead of deciding that he already knew. [sm=2cents.gif] Cali

MontrealPhoenix -> RE: ~~Barricades~~ The walls we build to protect ourselves (4/11/2008 6:24:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick quote: ORIGINAL: MaamJay Saying things like "little one, boy" etc seems to get subs feeling subby without actually exerting control over them. It seems to inspire confidence that You will step up and be Dommly when it's warranted. Seems like a little thing but hey, if it works ... [;)] Well, see, that would probably work great except that our dear friend Steel already said he wasn't willing to listen to her, to try to understand what she was saying, because he KNEW what she was thinking and what she had decided and all. He just went off on a tirade about how he wasn't trying to dominate her, so why would she say she was not feeling submissive towards him. I guess he would know if he asked her or listened to her instead of deciding that he already knew. [sm=2cents.gif] Cali Not to mention taking the coward's way out and just not contacting her any more instead of talking it all out. Rather passive/aggressive in my book.

SteelofUtah -> RE: ~~Barricades~~ The walls we build to protect ourselves (4/11/2008 6:44:55 PM)
When did I ever say I wasn't talking to her anymore? I have left the lines of communication open. IN ALL CASES I never shut the door completely. In Every one of these situations I remain the same this is how I feel and this is why I feel that way. If you can change how I feel great if now then the ball is in your court. Am I not allowed to be Hurt here? Am I not allowed to feel rejected and unwanted? I put myself out there and just wasn't wanted enough for someone to let me in. Passive / Agressive Perhaps. But I feel no matter what I do it's a lose/lose situation so I choose the path that hurts ME the least because I am the one I need to take care of. The truth of the matter is I opened the channels for communication and I have been ignored so I will remain out there ready to talk ready to listen, but I am not going to walk back up to the person who rejected me to let them do it again. MontrealPheonix, We have talked a lot do you really think I am Passive Agressive? What did I do to give you that Idea? I am Genuinely curious at this. Steel

Leatherist -> RE: ~~Barricades~~ The walls we build to protect ourselves (4/11/2008 6:55:39 PM)
Passive agressive tends to be where you withdraw to punish someone for doing something you dislike. Instead of meeting the issues face on-especially when the dysfunctional aspect lies with yourself-and you are in denial of it.

Owned1 -> RE: ~~Barricades~~ The walls we build to protect ourselves (4/11/2008 8:24:25 PM)
SteelofUtah, from reading your posts I feel you are doing nothing wrong, you have not found the person who compliments your situation. As has been stated earlier you are seeking a third which is I feel one of the most difficult things to find. You do have the right to feel hurt, rejected and unwanted. This says to me you are a real person with real feelings who is looking for something real. Online there are few who are seeking real. Many are playing, testing the waters in a safe self contained forum. Perhaps seeking in real life would work better. Personally over the years those I have met online I move to phone and in person meetings in a rather short time frame. You can only get to know someone at a very limited basis online or on the phone. I personally need to see, touch, feel and smell the person. I need to be in their presence and feel their presence. I need to look them in the eyes. I would think those you have communicated with who have rejected you do so as you have said because of their feels and lack of true want to find what they may say they are looking for. Please do not give up, please continue to be yourself and look for the perfect match. I am sure you will find what you seek eventually Owned

SteelofUtah -> RE: ~~Barricades~~ The walls we build to protect ourselves (4/11/2008 8:52:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Owned1 SteelofUtah, from reading your posts I feel you are doing nothing wrong, you have not found the person who compliments your situation. As has been stated earlier you are seeking a third which is I feel one of the most difficult things to find. You do have the right to feel hurt, rejected and unwanted. This says to me you are a real person with real feelings who is looking for something real. Online there are few who are seeking real. Many are playing, testing the waters in a safe self contained forum. Perhaps seeking in real life would work better. Personally over the years those I have met online I move to phone and in person meetings in a rather short time frame. You can only get to know someone at a very limited basis online or on the phone. I personally need to see, touch, feel and smell the person. I need to be in their presence and feel their presence. I need to look them in the eyes. I would think those you have communicated with who have rejected you do so as you have said because of their feels and lack of true want to find what they may say they are looking for. Please do not give up, please continue to be yourself and look for the perfect match. I am sure you will find what you seek eventually Owned Thank you for that. As for seeking Real life..... The Mormon Temple is a block from our house in a Town that is only 15 miles across and 30 miles long there are 136 Mormon Churches in our Phone Directory........ There is NO scene here so I do what I can when I can I find them the only way I know how. I go where they are but weekly driving trips to Las Vegas isn't affordable at the moment that and even if they live in Vegas I would still need to eventually get them here so online reguardless of the games is still the better option. As Always Steel

MontrealPhoenix -> RE: ~~Barricades~~ The walls we build to protect ourselves (4/12/2008 10:41:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah When did I ever say I wasn't talking to her anymore? I have left the lines of communication open. IN ALL CASES I never shut the door completely. In Every one of these situations I remain the same this is how I feel and this is why I feel that way. If you can change how I feel great if now then the ball is in your court. Am I not allowed to be Hurt here? Am I not allowed to feel rejected and unwanted? I put myself out there and just wasn't wanted enough for someone to let me in. Passive / Agressive Perhaps. But I feel no matter what I do it's a lose/lose situation so I choose the path that hurts ME the least because I am the one I need to take care of. The truth of the matter is I opened the channels for communication and I have been ignored so I will remain out there ready to talk ready to listen, but I am not going to walk back up to the person who rejected me to let them do it again. MontrealPheonix, We have talked a lot do you really think I am Passive Agressive? What did I do to give you that Idea? I am Genuinely curious at this. Steel In answer to your question, no i don't think you are passive/agressive in general. I did feel that you were being passive/agressive by suddenly breaking off contact but as you know from out chat today, i don't feel that way any more. As someone who knows you, at least as well as people can know each other online, i can't imagine anyone keeping their walls up for very long. Furthermore, i think 6 months is a perfectly reasonable length of time to be patient, there are people who simply CANNOT trust and won't no matter how long you wait. Honestly, i cannot imagine anyone who has spoken to you for any length of time not being able to trust you, especially given how honest and up front you are. Phoenix

ladyfado -> RE: ~~Barricades~~ The walls we build to protect ourselves (4/12/2008 10:47:17 AM)
Well, I think the key here is making sure everyone is being honest about who they are and what they seek. I say live and let live, and let wannamates find their mates. If that's not your thing, then don't seek out women who want a mate and a "Da" for the young ums, and don't deal with them if they seek you out. I have found that maintaining certain boundaries keeps away the confusion. quote: ORIGINAL: Leatherist I feel the same way about women who come here-because they see a Dom as a potential dad for thier kids. I guess "wannamates" are a limit with me.

christine1 -> RE: ~~Barricades~~ The walls we build to protect ourselves (4/12/2008 3:01:04 PM)
yup, big walls with lots of razor wire strung along the top....no entry, no admission, no hurt, no joy, nothing gained, nothing lost. seems fruitless and empty in some ways...but for now, it is ok.

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