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Enochian -> RE: just a few newbie questions (4/20/2008 7:41:24 PM)
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ORIGINAL: Othie This is my first post and I hope I'm not offending anyone with what I type. But I was hoping to get everyone's thoughts on a few newbie questions.
In some way I find that the longevity of this thread refreshing; as the exchange of ideas across time is such a powerful statement of the value of the written word. As a new poster, I get the chance to interact back and forth in time in a way.
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The first set: Do you believe that a Dom/sub are equals? Or is the sub below the Dom?
There is a wonderful phrase in legacy planning that applies here I think: “Fair is not Equal, and Equal is not Fair”. It speaks to the heart of distribution of assets; be they monetary, or power based. So in the various types of power exchange relationships (D/s or M/s or what have you) there may be a variety of answers. Each has a role (or more) to play in the relationship; and each of those roles may have differing value.
As to the ‘above/below’ issue; I view that as a hierarchy of position, not as a value judgment. In the martial arts; there is most certainly a hierarchy between students of various levels, and the instructors. However, if that hierarchy is abused; the entire system breaks down.
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I know, or at least everyone I have asked, will tell me that a Dom's word is "law" or that he has the last word. What happens when the sub/slave feels strongly that they are wrong? I'm guessing they can't say "no, that’s not right." but it seems like it would come up with anyone who thinks for themself...and not being able to say anything must feel like holding your anger inside...that can't be healthy.
There are three things here; all of which should be addressed in a power exchange relationship as I see it:
1st – Decision Authority (DA); What are the boundaries of decision authority? Whom can make what decisions when / where / under what conditions? (Take the military as an extreme example; while and officer can’t order you to kill yourself; they CAN order you into almost certain death under hostile fire!) I tend to be more in the M/s category of DA (military / martial arts background. It colors things, ‘ya know?), but I also like to delegate DA for most day-to-day matters. If I have an issue, I’ll countermand it.
2nd – Input / Consultation abilities and roles; How much input do you Need and / or Expect in what boundaries of decisions? Please note that Needs and Expectations are often Very different; and are also often confused. Just because you are asked; it does NOT mean the decision will go ‘your way’. I personally prefer to get a lot of input; and then make up my own mind. Tends to lessen the need for #3…
3rd – Recourse; finally if a decision doesn’t go one’s way; what are you going to do about it, and at what levels? And was it a good outcome; just an unwanted decision? Or was it a ‘told you so’ type of decision that went badly against better advice? Hopefully, if you have #1 and #2 mostly sorted out; then #3 will be limited to some apologies, and forgiveness. (And yes, I think that if there is an ‘opps’, it’s totally proper for a Dom/Master/whatever to apologize to a sub/slave for the error.)
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Second set: With a sub/slave, do you feel that she/he should address you as Master/Sir at all times? For example, if your sub/slave comes in after a long day at work or other such thing, do you feel she should greet you as Master? If so, does this hold true when there are other none lifestyle people around? Do you like your subs/slaves to talk causal with you? Or should it all remain formal? Have you ever had a sub/slave feel they can't be causal around you?
Oh, this is a huge set of issues… Protocol, Etiquette, Public / Private Distinctions, levels of formality… Whew!
In the military an officer is always addressed as “Sir/Ma’am”; and in the martial arts; the Master is always addressed as ‘Master’ even outside of class, and in public. It’s just the formality and protocol of that particular set. Even in a ‘relaxed’ environment; it’s just the amount of ‘sir’ that is used.
Lifestyle wise, it can get a bit strange; especially in public however. I’m more of a ‘use honorifics as general politeness’; and I’m quite ok with terms of endearment as well. But; initially, I think there is value in having a certain level of formality, even after that long day, even at home and in private; if only as a subtle ritual to reinforce and remind gently of the agreed to sharing of roles and power exchange.
I think that too much familiarity too soon can lessen the impact (as such) of some parts of a P/E relationship, but at the same time, if it’s too formal all the time, then it limits the relationship itself.
People need to grow together a bit; and take some time to do it; and some level of structure helps with that initial foundation. I think that’s why it’s such a long time part of military and martial arts traditions. It works. I’m not a fan so far of a huge amount. That could change, who knows. Depends on the mix of people involved.
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