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pollux -> RE: Why Don't Vanilla Wives Learn to Value the Submissive in their Man? (10/9/2005 12:13:31 PM)
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Lady Kay, I think your advice about the knight in shining armor is wonderful. It sounds great. However, in my experience, it doesn't work very well. The reason is, a married man who is submissive in the bedroom likely already is quite knightly to his wife. It's probably the main reason she married him in the first place. So, in a lot of cases, the submissive man (the quality one, anyway) is offering something to his wife that she's already got (and, in a lot of cases, probably already takes for granted).
What to do?
Well, here is my 7-step plan for exploring kink with your vanilla partner. This worked for me exactly ONE time, so it must be valid advice suitable for posting on an internet message board, right? *laughs* It's long and complicated. Sorry. It's a complicated problem, and it takes time to solve it.
It's probably worth what you paid for it. Try what seems useful and ignore the rest.
1. The first step has to be to accept your own kinky nature and your own kinky desires. Odds are, they can't be cured or fixed. If you're appalled at yourself because of your kinks, or in denial/repression about them, you're gonna get stuck. They are what they are, and it's up to you to find a clever and ethical way to deal with them. Step up to this responsibility, and commit to dealing with it like an adult. You can't skip or gloss over this step. For a lot of men, this is painful and difficult work. Sorry. Life's a bitch.
2. Now, you have to court and establish a relationship with a vanilla partner. Or maybe you've already got one. Either way, this is a lot of work in itself. Lots of advice on this elsewhere. Now, vanilla guys can stop at this point (lucky bastards). The rest of us have work to do. Onwards!
3. First, you must gently find a way for your partner to express and explore *her* fantasies -- whatever they might be. You're going to create a safe, understanding environment for *her* to say what turns *her* on without *you* being judgmental or squicked (this is harder than it sounds. My vanilla partner during the time I was exploring this recipe shared some things that shocked the shorts off of me). You don't have to do these things, but she has to feel safe in telling you her stuff. If you do this for her (ladies first, remember?), she's more likely to be open and understanding when it's your turn. If your partner is sexually adventurous, this step will be easy and it will be fun for her. If she's not, well, then this step has all sorts of latent difficulties and potential dangers. Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden" might help. Btw, the counterpart for men is her book Men in Love, which is a terrible title because it makes it sound like it's about gay men. But it's not. It's about the sexual fantasies of men. Very edifying and a good help for step 1 if you're stuck there.
4. Now, stretch yourself and imagine that *you* are the dominant partner. It'll be good for you anyway. It'll increase your self-confidence, and get you focused *outside yourself* (lots of malesubs are introverts) -- concentrating on the sensations and mental states you want to arouse in your partner (remember, there's nothing a Domme hates worse than a passive sub, so your explorations into dominance will be good cross-training in not just sitting there and being "done to"). You're going to find some creative ways to allow her to experience what's taboo & forbidden & mind-blisteringly hot for her without freaking her out (or doing anything illegal *laughs*).
5. What can you do? Well, take a page or two from the Femdom playbook and get creative. Have her start keeping a journal. Give her erotic "homework" to perform -- have her pick two of her favorite stories from literotica.com -- one that describes a scenario she would do and one that's taboo/forbidden. Give her a time limit and tell her that if she doesn't pick something taboo enough, you'll pick one for her (leave it to her imagination what sort of real-life conseqences that will have....) Experiment with orgasm denial (my partner was enthusiastic with self-pleasure, so this was very effective). Tell her to invent a kinky/scene name for herself and create a wishlist on Amazon with all sorts of sex toys she'd never use (or would she?). Send her a lipstick vibrator with instructions about when/where to use it (be careful with this one -- don't make her do anything illegal), or send her some creative writing that deals with the malevolent use of a remote-controlled vibrating egg... Play with some gentle bondage and then don't hurt her -- pleasure her. Give her a tantric massage while her hands & legs are bound.
Btw, you don't have to make a big show about being a "dom" or be some kind of demanding bastard or anything. Just wait for a suitable opening, and then be calm and self-assured and just tell her, "I want you to do this for me: ....".
6. Be single-minded in your attention and focus on her arousal. If she starts asking if you're turned on, bring the focus back to her. Believe me, once you get in the vibe of this and if you stay focused this way long enough, you will eventually blow her mind.
7. What starts to happen after a while (weeks) is, miracle of miracles, she actually begins to crave *doing something to you*, either to playfully get you back for tormenting her, or because for her own arousal, she wants to see that she's able to elicit that response in you. After I'd given my partner enough "homework" assignments *evil laugh* she said to me one day, "I don't want to do these anymore. I wanna drive!"
What happened over the course of the next several weeks sated my submissive heart like nothing ever before.
(sadly, my partner and I weren't able to make this relationship long-term for vanilla reasons, but we both had a blast performing this little "experiment").
Now, if you do this, the whole problem of appearing to be "weak" solves itself -- you've already shown you're NOT weak, by being receptive to her needs, and by taking the reigns and being responsible for blowing her mind. You don't have to make her read anything, or explain anything. It's self-evident that you're strong. You also can take the disgust/anger/nausea factor off the table, too -- because you've already made it safe for *her* to risk disgusting *you* when she shared her fantasies.
YMMV.
Edit to add thanks to whoever it was that first posted that link to the Tantra site. Excellent resource. Unfortunately I can't remember who posted it, but it was someone here at CollarMe.
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