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Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 12:02:05 AM   
chya


Posts: 31
Joined: 1/30/2004
From: Near Albany NY
Status: offline 		Does a submissive truly have needs, wants and desires or is she only there to serve the Master? If she feels has needs that are not being filled or is thinking negatively.. How does she communicate this to her Master? Or does she just walk away?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 12:19:55 AM   
GabrielleSlave


Posts: 616
Joined: 9/20/2007
From: in servitude
Status: offline 		This is a familiar question.

First and foremost Wwe are all human beings, and all human beings have needs and wants, some more important than others.  i am assuming that you don’t mean the need to eat, sleep etc.  A sub who does not communicates her needs to her Dom at all is denying Him the right to look after and provide for what He owns; you are not an animal with no power of speech, so help Him.  i am not suggesting that you become a brat and start to make demands, such behaviour should expect punishment of some sort.

i am a slave (self imposed label) and so theoretically (to some) that means no choices, simply to exist and submit to all whims and desires.  To the greater extent for me that is true, but this is real life and not Story of O and i have responsibilities outside of Oour relationship and sometimes i need to ask Him for help, or advice.  It can also mean that sometimes i can feel stressed (as everyone on the planet can and does) and i find myself needing something from Him ie a good hard flogging or spanking to get me back on track.  i can ask for such things, He is not actually a mind reader (though He does a remarkable impression of one at times) and so appreciates me telling Him how i am feeling.  Of course then it is up to Him if He does anything about it or not…

Wwe do not live in a vaccum of service and submission.  There are those who i know and speak to that try to live like this.  The ego is squashed to nothingness and they cease to be themselves.  Well they try.  The problem with this is that it seems to lead to misery for the most part as they are constantly realising the sheer impossibility of what it is they are trying to do.  In my opinion, the best you can do for your owner is be yourself, whilst being the sub that they need.  Tell them when things are not right; just don’t blurt it out, use respect and tact, like you would in any conversation with another.

Gabrielle x

Edited to apologise for a slave replying in Ask a Master board, but thought this was relevant  x

< Message edited by GabrielleSlave -- 4/13/2008 12:23:02 AM >

_____________________________

Slave to Master Slayer

~ Host of the Rather Marvelous Greenwich Munch ~

"There is no such thing as liberty. You only change one sort of domination for another. All we can do is to choose our master."
D. H. Lawrence

(in reply to chya)
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RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 12:32:23 AM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		Don't think that Gabrielle, we all bog in and post on any forum we want to.

OP, the question you asked has no one answer. It all depends on the dynamic of the relationship between the people involved. Is it something you agreed to in the beginning? Did you sign on as a "no limits" slave? Have things changed in the relationship because of outside influences (like work stress, family quarrels, etc) that are limiting time together?

Do you really want to be there? Do you really want to just "walk away" without even trying to solve the problem? That doesn't sound like a close and loving relationship, if you are going to give in so easily and leave.

You'll get this answer over and over, speak to your master/mistress. The only one who can tell you the answer to the question is he/she.

Good luck.



_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.


(in reply to GabrielleSlave)
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RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 2:36:51 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Every living/breathing human being has needs.  The average submissive desires proactive domination, for which she serves and obeys etc in return.  Too many get caught up in relationships where the "dominance" is passive - ie, it's all about you submitting where you're reduced to unpaid house-maid, bringer of beer, missionary sex depository and alround second class citizen.
 
In other words, the D/s relationship is merely just the s - there is no power exchange, just chores for you.  If you can't communicate with him, that problem is at least half yours.  Or if he doesn't wanna listen despite your best attempts, you should walk away....
 
Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to chya)
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RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 3:03:43 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I've seen relationships, such as my own, that recognize the needs, wants and desires of the slave. I've seen relationships, such a good friend, where the whole goal is to get rid of the ego so that the slave simply obeys. So, it's going to depend on the established relationship dynamic.

If you sign on for the first kind and are seeing that you're getting the second time, you should speak up. Talk about what you observe and how you feel. If you signed up for the second and are now discovering you need the first, my guess is that you'll have to return the collar, with an explanation as to why.

In either case, unless it's abusive, it's immature and unfair to your partner to just leave and not discuss why.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to chya)
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RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 3:25:13 AM   
girlygurl


Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chya

Does a submissive truly have needs, wants and desires or is she only there to serve the Master? If she feels has needs that are not being filled or is thinking negatively.. How does she communicate this to her Master? Or does she just walk away?


Speaking for myself, yes I have needs, wants, and desires. If I wasn't feeling satisfied in my relationship and/or feeling negative about something in the relationship I would talk to my Sir.

How do I communicate to my Sir? No matter what the topic is, I communicate with respect and thoughtfulness.

IMO, if someone is considering the option of walking away without discussion first, there was never really a relationship to begin with, or at least one worth sticking around for.

girly

_____________________________

i see You

happily forever one

(in reply to chya)
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RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 3:36:58 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chya

Does a submissive truly have needs, wants and desires or is she only there to serve the Master? If she feels has needs that are not being filled or is thinking negatively.. How does she communicate this to her Master? Or does she just walk away?


Is a submissive a human being? Therefore there are needs, need to eat and drink and breathe, without being pedantic of course, even if the needs are not what everyone else needs they are still needs.

As others have said what did you agree to at the start? Do you talk openly with the Master, what type of relationship is it? Only the people inside the relationship can answer what they would do. You communicate in the same way you would anything, it depends how you do that normally. Its not some alternate universe sometimes it seems like people talk as though it is, we are all still people, the protocol is there because we choose for it to be there, the world wont crumble in if you ask for things.


< Message edited by colouredin -- 4/13/2008 3:39:38 AM >

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to chya)
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RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 5:12:05 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		It depends who you ask... there are some out there on a big objectification kick who maybe look to be treated like they have no feelings, wants and needs. Indeed for a scene or excersise I can indulge that... but overall, as a lifestyle... only speaking from My perspective. I am very aware that it is a person I Own, a person who very much does have thoughts, wants, needs, feelings, etc. she submitted her decisions, not her ability to think. When she became My slave, My posession it didn't make her any less of a person.

Communication is a big part of the way I run things, that doesn't mean a monolog from Me, it means two way communication. If a problem arises, she brings that problem to Me, WE discuss it, WE examine what ways the problem may best be addressed then *I* decide how We move forward.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to chya)
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RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 5:18:44 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		The slave has needs and wants. Sometimes it is communicated that their needs and wants are not going to matter, which is something they need to agree to before they begin their work with someone. Other times, their wants and needs are addressed and taken care of. It is all a matter of communication. You need to be polite and respectful, but if you have to worry that sitting down with a Master and telling him that you have needs that arent being met would be a negative thing then that is a time to just walk away. If you do not trust your relationship enough to know what you can and cannot voice then you need to have him define the relationship for you. What he expects, what you can expect, and what he plans on addressing of your needs versus his.
My boys both have needs and are encouraged to tell me if they have something they want that I have not been addressing. As long as they dont demand anything of me, I never have much of a problem with it. I may not drop what I am doing and change things, but I wil make the effort to accomodate their desires in the future.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to RavenMuse)
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RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 5:35:47 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chya

Does a submissive truly have needs, wants and desires



If there's nothing in it for you, where's the incentive for you to stay?

quote:

ORIGINAL: chya

or is she only there to serve the Master?



Presumably, this is a positive for you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chya

If she feels has needs that are not being filled or is thinking negatively. How does she communicate this to her Master? Or does she just walk away?



If your judgement is spot on, why do you need a master?

Have a chat with him, but revisit your commitment to the relationship, too; considering "walking away" before you've had a chat is not a good sign. You've signed up to certain responsibilities, so meet them.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to chya)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 5:46:22 AM   
DeferentialBaby


Posts: 14
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chya

Does a submissive truly have needs, wants and desires or is she only there to serve the Master?


Both.

quote:

If she feels has needs that are not being filled or is thinking negatively.. How does she communicate this to her Master? Or does she just walk away?


Just walking away is never a good idea, in bdsm or anything to do with life. Later in life those doors you have shut, those times you have "just walked away" may come back to haunt you, and that experience, to phrase it mildly, is not exactly pleasant. 

You communicate as openly and honestly as is possible. Full disclosure, leave nothing out that is bothering you even if it seems trivial or it embarasses you to admit it.  Then listen very carefully to what your owner says in response and if you are truly owned, obey. Then give it time and continue to communicate and observe what happens within you and within the relationship. 

Not to beat a dead horse, but communication and transparancy are absolutely key. Many people, submissives in particular, live very vivid interior lives. There is no way in the world even the most perceptive dominant is going to know  what even 1/3 of that life consists of (although some are frightenly good guessers). They cannot see your daily ups and downs or read into the silence what it is that disturbs you. Your owner is a different person than you with a different history and typically has a very different personality so your motivations and sources of pain will not always be obvious to him. You have to explain all of this stuff going on in your head, particularly if it is bad stuff. It's also very good to share the positive stuff too, as that lets your owner know you better and thus better control you. In a good relationship, the latter leads to happiness.

That's the mechanical aspect and it is important.  But there's also an emotional aspect. You belong to your master: you are his. Nothing is yours to hide unless he allows it. By acting upon that idea you express and build loyalty and devotion within yourself, keystones in a successful master-slave relationship.

I know the outcome to fully communicating hard things to someone can vary with the nature of the person you are communicating with. Sometimes it backfires terribly, but if you have been honest and open,  that's not due to you.  You won't look back later and regret such a thing because, however terrible the outcome,  you did your best.  That's why you must listen and observe very closely to how your owner responds to what you lay out on the table.  A response from your dominant that is painful or makes you feel uncomfortable is not necessarily a bad sign.  It might, in fact, be a sign that all's right with the relationship.

(in reply to chya)
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RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 7:02:52 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chya

Does a submissive truly have needs, wants and desires or is she only there to serve the Master? If she feels has needs that are not being filled or is thinking negatively.. How does she communicate this to her Master? Or does she just walk away?

Of course s/he has needs, wants and desires, s/he is a human being after all. If s/he is having needs that aren't being met talk to your Master about it. Communication is key to all relationships and if he doesn't allow her to talk about things, then I would view that as unhealthy and suggest s/he reevaluate the relationship.

Good luck,
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to chya)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 8:47:15 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chya

Does a submissive truly have needs, wants and desires or is she only there to serve the Master? If she feels has needs that are not being filled or is thinking negatively.. How does she communicate this to her Master? Or does she just walk away?


Just do what your heart says, but talk with your partner.
It is not so much different from a "vanilla"relation.

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to chya)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 11:18:35 AM   
metalmiss


Posts: 341
Joined: 5/4/2005
From: Croydon, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chya

Does a submissive truly have needs, wants and desires or is she only there to serve the Master? If she feels has needs that are not being filled or is thinking negatively.. How does she communicate this to her Master? Or does she just walk away?


Any submissive, before anything else, is a human being. Therefore every submissive no matter what she may claim, has needs, wants and desires.. It is part of our humanity.

Negative thoughts are natural at times and needs are not always met at all times in any relationship.. She communicates by first working out what it is she wants to say and then through making sure she gives Him the message, no matter what, through whichever medium she feels comfortable with, an email.. a letter.. But it's always best to talk about it face to face.

Just walk away? In my opinion, any submissive who did that without at least trying to communicate is letting his/herself down in a big way.. if i was the Dominant such an action would leave me to wonder how much the relationship meant to him/her anyway.. and that perhaps my loss was not such a big one.


_____________________________

"The longing to serve, to submit, to abandon oneself sexually, emotionally, and physically makes one a slave either to a Man, a Woman or to God. Submission to that passion is divine degradation." - Dorothy C. Hayden

Owned by RavenMuse

(in reply to chya)
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RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 11:21:17 AM   
Daddyslilpookie


Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline 		I am here to serve my Master, his needs come before my own. I have needs as well and if they are not met well then we talk about it and find a solution together.

< Message edited by Daddyslilpookie -- 4/13/2008 11:42:30 AM >

_____________________________

Princess Andie


"A Woman Loves Only Her Master"

(in reply to chya)
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RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 11:40:26 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Even a puppy who is legally owned has need and wants, one does not go out and buy a puppy if they do not wish to fullful those needs and wants (at least most dont) So what makes you think a human who is volenteraly subissive wouldnt to have needs?

Hey even single cell organisims without brains or back bones have needs!

SQUEE!

MS

< Message edited by MagiksSlave -- 4/13/2008 11:41:14 AM >

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to Daddyslilpookie)
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RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 3:27:35 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chya

Does a submissive truly have needs, wants and desires or is she only there to serve the Master? If she feels has needs that are not being filled or is thinking negatively.. How does she communicate this to her Master? Or does she just walk away?


This one does. I communicate very simply, by telling him "Sir, I need this" or "Sir, I would like that". Honest needs are fulfilled, wants if we are able and he is so inclined.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to chya)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 6:27:22 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chya
Does a submissive truly have needs, wants and desires or is she only there to serve the Master?

I have all those things.  It's funny, though, how serving Master IS my need and desire.  I have others, of course, and the needs are all met.  Wants and desires vary.  Some are met how and when I like.  Others are not.
quote:

If she feels has needs that are not being filled or is thinking negatively.. How does she communicate this to her Master?

I say, "Master.  I have a need that is not being filled and I would like to have the opportunity to discuss it with You."  It's so easy to say that and get heard when He is ready to talk.  If I'm thinking negatively, I say "Master, I'm really having a hard time with (fill in the blank).  My thoughts are all negative and I'd love the opportunity to talk it over with You."  Again, easy as pie. 
quote:

Or does she just walk away?

Never.  It's not permissable temporarily or permanently.  There are those here whose slavery depends upon their constant obedience and decision to remain a slave.  Then there are those who know they are owned and simply have no choice.  I fall in the latter category.  "Just walking away" ain't gonna happen here..........luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 4/13/2008 6:28:03 PM >

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

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RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 8:20:10 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		What luci said. 

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Does a submissive?? - 4/13/2008 8:52:36 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		If it's working right, her needs, wants, and desires are to serve the master.  If there's a conflict between her needs and wants and her serving the master, then something isn't working right.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chya

Does a submissive truly have needs, wants and desires or is she only there to serve the Master?

(in reply to chya)
Profile   Post #: 20
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