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Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/14/2008 4:19:45 PM

SovereignSlave

Posts: 7
Joined: 3/31/2008
Status: offline

For some reason I'm having trouble articulating my question correctly, so I'm going to start it out with a couple examples to help me on my way.
First off, I'm a very empathetic individual, and people's emotions and personalities register strongly with me. I spend a lot of time watching and pondering how people act and interact based on their general energies and attitudes.
My dad is an alpha male type, and I've always known that he and other alpha-types tend to clash. Usually such an instance involves another "alpha" who isn't equal in dominant energy as Dad, either more or less, and they get irritated with eachother pretty quickly. Antagonism isn't far to follow. My dad's closest friends are fair equals with him in dominance, and they're able to respect eachother and ally without worry about competition. The arguments they've had are usually the result in an accidental challenge to another in this dynamic.
Recently as I've come into the lifestyle, I've had a few vanilla friends who've been supporting me, and through this process they've met a few of my new friends in the local scene. Upon meeting the Doms, they've expressed a feeling of being "creeped out" or "unsettled" for reasons they can't articulate, even when they've thought on it. I trust my own reads on people absolutely - they're accurate the vast majority of the time. I feel that my Dom friends are good, decent people, and I don't get an unsettled feeling from them, but their strong dominant personalities do register easily. My vanilla friends in question also have more dominant personalities, but not, obviously, as strong as a lifestyle Dom.
My theory is that their unsettled feelings are the result of a clash in dominant energy. As the vanilla friends aren't as strongly dominant, they feel threatened by the higher levels of alpha-ness of the lifestylers. Since they're not as in tuned to that dynamic, it occurs on a more subconcious level, and they get "creeped out." When I've suggested this to them, their immediate reaction is skeptical - untill a few days later when they call me back and say "y'know? I think you may be right."
So my question is: does this seem accurate? what is the typical interaction between Doms? Do there tend to be issues of competition, possessiveness, etc? Are there social "rules" in the lifestyle about interaction to keep that from occurring? I know that D/D relationships are out there. How does that work?
Thanks, from a curious sub!

Post #: 1

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/14/2008 8:41:08 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I'd suggest not so much that they feel "threatened" but rather they dislike someone using their personality type as an excuse to act like a stupid idiot who can't get along with others.

Most people get annoyed and irritated when others try to "be the top." Because being "the top" is pointless when you're just all hanging out and having fun and it makes you look like a power hungry loser rather than a nice guy who can chill out.

Yes, a lot of doms do act stupid and unreasonable and spend all their energy being useless and paranoid and posturing so that everyone makes sure to know they ARE ALPHA!

And no, in fact in the scene for the most part the subs encourage and reinforce this type of behavior most of the time. People who aren't ALPHA with a screaming A are often passed over...but that's good in the end.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SovereignSlave)

Post #: 2

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/15/2008 12:14:12 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Some D-types are incredibly inarticulate, obnoxious, and socially inept. Others are charismatic, friendly, and great communicators. I think alternative lifestyles, by their nature, offer a different track for people who otherwise don't fit in, to get a second shot. Men who are rejected for being obnoxious assholes, and get a wild hair up their ass might punch in "sex slave" in Google, and one of the first sites listed is alt.com. That doesn't mean they know anything about BDSM, or owning a submissive/slave; it only means that he's been rejected in the normal dating realm, so he's resorted to fantasy relationships.

Some people are better at hiding their inadequacies than others. Personally, I really enjoy the company of other interesting, intelligent dominant men. I regularly permit my slave to serve another dominant man we met at a dungeon, because I think it's good for her and (mostly) enjoyable for me.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 3

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/15/2008 3:37:01 AM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

I think Dominants and dominant personalities interact much the same as subs and submissively oriented women do. I have many friends that have a very submissive personality and yet get totally squicked by talk of wiitwd. "Oh no! I could never do that! How could you let someone treat you that way/do that to you? I would never kneel or serve my husband." At the same time as they are dishing up dinner or pouring a coffee or serving in a likewise vanilla manner. I wonder if some of it may be posturing with the dominant personalities, the ol' two dogs sniffing sorta thing until they realize they're from the same litter.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 4

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/15/2008 4:55:54 AM

TotalState

Posts: 278
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline

I have several good friends who are doms, and we do not clash in any way.

On the other hand, some of the biggest assholes I know are also doms, and they make damn sure that everyone around them knows they are hot shit - which they are empathetically not.

_____________________________

Spanking with a smile, living with feeling.

(in reply to SovereignSlave)

Post #: 5

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/15/2008 5:05:46 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Im like TotalState. I have a lot of Dom friends. I have'nt come across any posturing. Like anything else you will find a asshole in any group.

(in reply to TotalState)

Post #: 6

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/15/2008 6:11:46 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Some other Dominants I get along with and some I do not. It just depends upon the individual. In the past I have had some male Dom's in particular who I have gotten into arguments with because they simply felt they had to challenge me because I am a woman. So be it, I gave as good as I got and we both went to our corners when done with no clear winner.

So the answer to your question is yes I think you can sense a person with a alpha personality and yes we do clash from time to time. You can only have one Captain on a ship . I am only possessive of what is mine, I protect what is mine and I am very competitive. I've even been called "tenacious" and stubborn like a mule. I would say thats pretty accurate.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to SovereignSlave)

Post #: 7

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/15/2008 7:44:20 AM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

I have to agree with TotalState here. There are assholes everywhere, not just in the lifestyle.

Mike

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 8

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/15/2008 8:26:55 AM

sirguym

Posts: 318
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline

Generally I would, as tactfully as I can, respectfully suggest that somebody who finds they often antagonise people should think very carefully and perhaps address the way they handle themselves. It is neither necessary or desirable, whether you are Dom(me) or sub.

Clearly there will be times for a Dom (or sub) when one has to stand up for who you are and what you believe in, if and whren directly challenged; but that shouldn't happen very often - and if it does, why?

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)

Post #: 9

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/15/2008 10:18:44 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

There is no "typical" and there are no "rules". Each individual has their own way, their own personality, to deal with the world around them. Making a distinction between dom alpha males and vanilla alpha males makes no sense, "alpha-ness" is an animal trait, and has bearing on how an individual hierarchizes in the "clan", "family", or "tribe". And I am completely unclear what it is that these doms feel creeped out about, but if the only common denominator is you, that is where you might begin looking. After all, you are the person looking for explanations of "something". In many ways, I think your question is the proverbial solution looking for a problem to solve.

(in reply to SovereignSlave)

Post #: 10

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/15/2008 5:53:49 PM

ADom442

Posts: 34
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

I remember a dinner party I went to a few years ago. There was an "alpha male" there, and he wanted to be sure that everyone at the party acknowledged his "alpha-ness." My reaction to him was, "OK, I'm happy for you; you're an alpha male - Thanks for sharing, now leave me alone." He wouldn't. I was more than willing to have him be an alpha male, but he wasn't going to be happy until there was only one alpha male at the party. We sparred for almost two hours until the matter was settled. I don't think either of us enjoyed the party.

I've seen this kind of behavior from many Doms in the community, and I've become convinced that 90% of the battles for dominance in social situations are born of insecurity. There's a reason that some people posture; it's because they're cloaking themselves in a patina of dominance to shield their true selves from being seen and known. I say that it's born of insecurity because if they were comfortable with who they truly are, then they'd have no need for an affectation of dominance.

The other 10% of the people who are rude? I think it's narcissism. I don't think they're aware of being rude because hey - they're the only ones who matter to them. You have a problem with them? Go fuck yourself - It's not like you matter.

_____________________________

It is the business of the very few to be independent; it is a privilege of the strong. And whoever attempts it ... proves that he is probably not only strong, but also daring beyond measure.
- Nietzsche

(in reply to SovereignSlave)

Post #: 11

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/15/2008 6:14:08 PM

Real_Trouble

Posts: 471
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline

I concur with most here; you should be able to get along with other human beings. If you feel the need to control every situation, especially involving casual friends or (even worse) strangers, you are going to be in for a lot of rude surprises in life.

Being a Dom doesn't mean you need to make trouble wherever you go; for instance, I make trouble for reasons entirely unrelated to my being a Dom.

_____________________________

Send lawyers, guns, and money.

(in reply to ADom442)

Post #: 12

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/15/2008 6:31:49 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

Arrogance, and an inability to see oneself clearly creep most people out.

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My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to SovereignSlave)

Post #: 13

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/15/2008 9:57:01 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

I’m going to take this to a different level here. The majority of males who are either friends or close acquaintances, and include a good amount of females too, are or have been combat personnel and are entirely aware of their strengths and weaknesses. They are comfortable in themselves. When you get a few of such people together there is a possibility of a pissing contest among the less sure or less mature ones which is not the case among those I prefer to associate with. There however tends to be an acceptance of another who has a good track record and neither has the need to prove themselves. They just accept what camaraderie which may be there and acceptance of those differences of either lifestyle, beliefs or levels of experience. What is more likely to be debated strongly is techniques or things like football. Most of these people tend to be open to learning and willing to teach with one common denominator. None of them suffers fools, wankers and idiots gladly. Usually quite the reverse in fact. They have respect for their peers and comrades.
Iron Bear
Master of Bruin Cottage
(A Victorian Lifestyle poly home)

"I judge a Man by what I see him do and not by what others tell me he does." (Captain Sir Edward Pellew of the HMS Indefatigable to Midshipman Hornblower ~ C.S. Forrester)

(in reply to SovereignSlave)

Post #: 14

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/16/2008 8:36:22 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Well put IronBear

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 15

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/16/2008 10:18:52 AM

sirguym

Posts: 318
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline

Well said, Iron Bear.

Whilst I don't have combat experience I have met a few challenges in life, seen poverty and prosperity and poverty again, had a few successful careers, brought up a couple of families.

I find I accept other people who've 'had a life' very easily, (including the kind of people of whom Iron Bear talks - there are quite a few here in Hereford), and they accept me.

I wholly agree, people who know and accept themselves make the best company, even when they fall well short of standards to which they used to aspire, as we all have to do sooner or later

The people whose company I avoid are those insecure about themselves, or who cannot see themselves as others see them, or who judge others without knowing the background and circumstance of a person's life and without first judging themselves even more harshly.

In short, maturity is good, immaturity tiresome, particularly in someone who aspires to be Dominant.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 16

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/17/2008 3:21:32 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

This is Darcy

Perhaps I have been fortunate, but the Doms I have met in real life have all been very pleasant and personable people. I have never encountered posturing, towards myself or the.dark and have never felt the need to engage in such behaviour myself.

I think those Doms/Masters who do engage in posturing and one-upmanship are perhaps not as secure in their power and authority as they would like to be, hence the need to reinforce, loudly and publicly, that they are indeed 'the man/woman'.

Personally I believe that Doms/Masters should behave courteously not only to their peers, but also to their peers' property, whether they be Sub, Slave, or whatever label they wish to adhere to themselves. Just my two cents.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to sirguym)

Post #: 17

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/17/2008 10:03:50 AM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

You may want to have your vanilla friends meet daddy doms and pet owners. In my dealings with them I've found MORE socially pleasant individuals PER CAPITA.

*flameproof*

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to SovereignSlave)

Post #: 18

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/18/2008 10:34:45 AM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

I think you're confusing a sexual orientation with a set of personality traits that have nothing to with sexuality. There are (sexually) submissive guys who run around large and in charge all day, and there are quiet guys who get all hot and bothered at the idea of having a woman be their groveling slave. There is no correlation between our sexuality and our personality.

Now, maybe there's a correlation between "being in the lifestyle" and being "highly fucking lacking in social skills." That would be a different question entirely.

_____________________________

True masters, true subs and slaves, X many years in the lifestyle, Old Guard this and High Protocol that--it's like a convention of D&D nerds were allowed to have sex once, and they decided to make a religion out of it.

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 19

RE: Doms interacting with other Doms - 4/18/2008 11:18:44 AM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

There is a place and a purpose for all--asshats and personable people alike.

Seeking out only comfortable people, seeking only to be a comfortable person, results in stagnation. Seeking out and challenging others constantly, seeking only challenge, results in overload and potentially permanent social and mental burnout.

Next asshat Dom you meet, remember that they, too, are learning; and that they are ultimately only concerned with testing their own limitations, not yours. If you find that your efforts are derailed by them, then you've discovered a challenge that may prove extremely rewarding; don't be angry at them, for they too are trapped in samsara; harness your anger at the situation to produce advantageous flux.

So to answer the original question, when I meet a Dom I am a different person every time; and I react differently, every time. Sometimes I enjoy the challenge, sometimes I avoid it, depending on my internal state and requirements.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to HeavansKeeper)

Post #: 20

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