Making my husband a dom

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Making my husband a dom

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Making my husband a dom

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 6:17:45 AM

BabyGurlVT

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline

I married my husband think he was a dom, totally wrong. I mean I call him daddy. He is older than me im 21 he is 58. I didnt meet him on a Bdsm site. Our sex life is good, and he treats me great. I just want him to be a lot more controlinhg, I really want to be disciplined when I am bad. And whole bunch of other stuff. how do I ask him to do this...I am so at my witts end.

Post #: 1

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 6:19:47 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

i have to ask what it was that made you think he was a Dom prior to marriage?

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to BabyGurlVT)

Post #: 2

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 6:25:58 AM

BabyGurlVT

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline

I think mainly it was the fact that I described the type of relationship I wanted he got very excited and agreed that was what he wanted. I told him I wanted a daddy, that I wanted to be 12. not 20 ( I was 20 when we met). That i wanted someone to make all the decisions. etc. I really didnt say much about Bdsm because I wasnt sure, that I still wanted that. When i met him I just end my first experiance in the lifestyle and it didnt go to well, so I wasnt sure if I still wanted to dabble into. which is why i looked on a diffrent site. I thought maybe I could find someone who wanted to be a dom, just without of the bdsm kinks.

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 3

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 6:33:26 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Sounds like someone did'nt do their homework before hand. Now how much work are both of you willing to put into correcting the situation. Both of you take a pad of paper and write down your expectations and compare them and take it from there. See what the gap is and hope that it can be closed.

(in reply to BabyGurlVT)

Post #: 4

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 6:39:34 AM

BabyGurlVT

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline

Should I come right and tell him that I am not completely happy with our situtation. I mean what is the best way of going about doing this? I dont want to hurt any feelings or at worse mess up our marriage....ANd he dose want to experiment... well how would we go about doing that? Do I train him on what to do... Some how that doesnt seem right besides I dont have enough experiance to know what to do

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 5

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 6:44:57 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BabyGurlVT

Should I come right and tell him that I am not completely happy with our situtation. I mean what is the best way of going about doing this? I dont want to hurt any feelings or at worse mess up our marriage....ANd he dose want to experiment... well how would we go about doing that? Do I train him on what to do... Some how that doesnt seem right besides I dont have enough experiance to know what to do

First...you marriage is already messed up. When one partner is unhappy, it is messed up. Second, i honestly believe you cannot "train" a Dom. He is not a puppy. He either is a Dom, or he is not.
imho you and your spouse need to open the lines of communication.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to BabyGurlVT)

Post #: 6

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 6:50:08 AM

BabyGurlVT

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline

so if he isnt a natural dom i should consider leaving?

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 7

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 6:53:43 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

What holly said.

Adding: How about just sitting down with him and saying something along the lines of: Daddy, you know I love you. You treat me so well, and our sex life is good. I'd like for us to work on adding another dimension tio our realtionship, though. Would you be open to talking about it, and seeing what happens?
Then tell him something you'd like (him taking more control, for instance). Discuss it (that means BOTH of you talking about it, and actually listening to each other). If he is open to the idea, discuss the ways that you'd like him to take that control. If he is uncomfortable with something, discuss what about it makes him uncomfortable.
It's not going to happen overnight. Be patient. COMMUNICATE at all times.
As holly said, you can't train him to be a dom, but this way you can discover if it is in him.

just my .05 YMMV

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 8

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 6:53:58 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

you are the only one that can answer that question.
Please talk to him.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to BabyGurlVT)

Post #: 9

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 6:54:58 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

good advice from GreedyTop, op

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 10

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 6:55:46 AM

bookworm966

Posts: 45
Joined: 10/4/2004
Status: offline

When I married my husband he was vanilla. I introduced him to D/s. He expressed interest. I curtailed all my lifestyle activity while he was in a 'learning curve', and after a couple of years, he decided he was dominant. The problem lay in the fact that our relationship was already established at that point with me being the dominant partner in the house and I found I was unable to submit to him. You cannot make a man into what you want and need. If your man isnt dominant enough now, its doubtful he will be able to turn into exactly what you want. Just as the submissive heart lives to give and please, a dominant heart lives to guide and control. At 58, his personality is unlikely to change. I wish you luck in your endeavor, but be aware of the reality of what IS.

< Message edited by bookworm966 -- 4/16/2008 7:01:56 AM >

_____________________________

When I have a little money, I buy books. If I have any left, I buy food and clothes. Erasmus

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 11

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 6:57:00 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

You should send him links to ideas, stories and toys you find interesting. Literotica has some good bdsm stories. This site has lots of fun play ideas, and also a forum dedicated to equipment.
Try implementing some rituals such as being on your knees to greet him. Wear things you know he will like, and go out of your way to serve him.
I think a lot of men would enjoy this; and if he does have a dominant side, this should help to bring it out.

Good luck!

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to BabyGurlVT)

Post #: 12

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 7:00:54 AM

KyttynTheMynx

Posts: 4880
Joined: 5/10/2006
From: Moosecrotch, Va
Status: offline

My mama always told me "Just because you put a pig in lipstick, doesnt mean its gonna make the perfect prom date." You cant "MAKE" your husband a Dom. He has to "WANT" to be one. For a moment, just imagine how stressed you would feel if someone tried to "MAKE" you submit and you probably didnt want to?

Like its been said, talk it out. Thats all you can do for now.

_____________________________

Hibbie's Hottie

The next time you think I give a fuck, remember the 3 F's... Unless you are Feeding me, Financing me, or Fucking me, I don't give a fuck!!

"Kyttyn: The Other White Meat!" - DRH

10 Miles of Hot Chocolate Lovin'.

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 13

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 7:12:14 AM

BabyGurlVT

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline

Thanks, there are a lot of things I need to think about and do before my husband gets home. If you have anymore advice I welcome it with open arms. I normally make rash decisions only to end up regreting them later, but I know I cant rely on youth and naivety
for very much longer. Im just not sure how to start communicating, but I will fing a way cause i realize how necessary
it is.

(in reply to KyttynTheMynx)

Post #: 14

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 7:16:12 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Talk to him. Say to him "remember that discussion we had before getting married when we talked about x?, I'm unhappy because we're not doing that. Could we work on it please?"

Now you say you want more control. What exactly does that mean? Do you want to be tied up and forced to orgasm? Do you want to have to ask permission to go to the bathroom? Do you want him to control all your money, so you have to beg for $5 to go to Starbucks with a friend after work? Do you want to have to ask permission to go to Starbucks?

What you don't want is for him to think you're talking about controlling all your money when you're talking about sexual control. Or vice versa.

As far as how should he learn? Give him this site and ask him to read stuff. Get him a BDSM checklists, google will give you a list. My recommendation is that you both fill out the checklists and rank them from one to five, and then start with the activities you both really love. Don't feel obliged to do everything all at once. He needs a learning curve to feel comfortable taking control, at least six months.

After that, why not ask him if he would rather have roast chicken or pot roast for dinner and then make what he says. Ask if he likes the blue blouse better than the pink one to go out to dinner and wear the one he picks. Start submitting.

Books:
S & M101
Erotic Bondage
The New Topping Book
The New Bottoming Book

Read them together and see what makes each of you go ooh and aah. And then do it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to KyttynTheMynx)

Post #: 15

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 7:26:24 AM

BabyGurlVT

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline

Its not that we dont have little dom/sub realtionship. I am completely dependent on him, not just finacially, but I have no friends except the ones I chat with when he isnt home. He is the only person I know in Vermont. We go everywhere together except my gym. The longest we spend apart is when I go to vist my family during the holidays. All the clothes I make and wear he helped pick out etc. I guess what I want is to be told what to do more, I feel i have more say in the house than I should and need to. I feel myself gain a lot of power and control, and hes just letting me have it, and thats not what I want. I consider myself extreamly spoiled and I dont like it. I mean if I have a tantrum....I get no punishment, in fact most of the time i get what I want...And I find my self acting out more than usual just see how he will react if at all...I guess this would be called testing limits.... I just know I want to fix it and have him become the Dom I need and want before its too late

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 7:31:17 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

in that case, my suggestion is to let him know that you would love it if he were to assign concrete consequences to your acting out (spanking? corner time? a set time of being ignored? whatever works for the two of you). And I echo Des.. books, internet, research!! Take what works for you two, discard the rest. COMMUNICATE in a constructive manner. And .. as has been said... it will take time.. you both are going to have to learn to adjust to a changing dynamic.

Best of luck!

< Message edited by GreedyTop -- 4/16/2008 7:32:33 AM >

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to BabyGurlVT)

Post #: 17

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 7:54:05 AM

KyttynTheMynx

Posts: 4880
Joined: 5/10/2006
From: Moosecrotch, Va
Status: offline

Ohh...While talking with him, try to not get heated should the conversation take a turn you dont like. This is where acting out will DEFINITELY work against what you are asking him to try.

_____________________________

Hibbie's Hottie

The next time you think I give a fuck, remember the 3 F's... Unless you are Feeding me, Financing me, or Fucking me, I don't give a fuck!!

"Kyttyn: The Other White Meat!" - DRH

10 Miles of Hot Chocolate Lovin'.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 18

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 7:57:21 AM

kinkypuppy2

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

You cannot "make" a Dom, you may be able to bring one more out in the open by allowing the self-assurance to emmerge but no you cannot make one, Neither can you make a non-swinger into a swinger, a sow into a frog, etc.
sorry if you want a Dom I sugggest you look elsewhere

_____________________________

See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

(in reply to BabyGurlVT)

Post #: 19

RE: Making my husband a dom - 4/16/2008 8:44:20 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

He may not be interested in having to force you to submit. He may come home at the end of the day too tired to grab you by the throat, throw you down, spank you till you're sobbing and then fuck you in the ass. And not wanting to deal with this daily doesn't mean he isn't dominant, it may just mean he's into a more peaceful dynamic.

The Man doesn't much care what's for dinner as long as there aren't any peas in it. He doesn't like peas. He does like it served as close to 6:30 as is humanly possible. We've been together five years and he doesn't give me new rules every week just to make me feel controlled. My feelings are my responsibility. I have the same level of control as in the beginning and the same rules. As long as they're followed, he's happy.

And the grabbing me by the throat, throwing me down and spanking me till I'm sobbing prior to fucking my brains out? That's fun, not punishment.

You sound bored and lonely as well as homesick. Talk to him. Take college courses, get a part time job, volunteer at the local animal shelter. It's your job to improve your life, it isn't something he can do for you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to kinkypuppy2)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Making my husband a dom

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.078