RE: .fuckme. to find out? (Full Version)

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SteelofUtah -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 9:36:18 AM)

Sexuality is this huge double edged sword with compassion on the other end.

I perfer Sexual Bondage. I tie a woman up and then when she is bond I either sensually or violently take her depending on my mood as well as the mood of the scene.

Oddly enough MANY people do not connect the act of Bondage to the act of intercouse and I have had many "Friends" who were interested in this.

How do you teach someone about Sexual Bondage without having sex involved?

I am also a free spirit sexually. To me Sex is an Act, just like Flogging, or spanking, In my mind it is JUST as intament as either of the other acts. Now because of this I am at times accused of just wanting to get my dick wet and the strange things is that although this is true it is not the ONLY emotion going on. I do have to genuinely LIKE someone to do such a thing but I do not have to be dedicated to them.

So when people ask about Sexual Bondage I inform them that if they want to experience it I am Clean and have a Running record of STD/VD Screens dating back to 1996 and I would be willing to give them a safe enviornment to experiment in.

Darcy & the dark Is it possible you guys are talking about me? I only ask because of my nature I am both Blunt and unashamed so if you are maybe I could help in the understanding process, if however you are NOT talking about me I can at least offer one point of view to say that it doesn't always have to be on the grounds of one taking advantage. In reality I show the same desire to help people make chainmail or Tie a Knot, as I do offering to help someone experiment in Sexual activities so maybe it could be on the level.

Just my 2

Steel



DesFIP -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 9:38:53 AM)

I see that as a casual friend fuck buddy arrangement. Now if he starts out with mentoring only, safe place to talk and then pulls a bait and switch, yes that's creepy. However, although I wouldn't go for it, others might feel that it was fine. That having talked to him a lot over a month he was now in the friend category and since they were tired of staying at home on Friday night, why not play casually with him.

Because who's to say that this casual relationship wouldn't turn into something else. Included in that is the fact that over the month of talking, he may have developed a liking and wanted to change the set up. As long as he's honest about it, and gives her the opportunity to say no thanks, that's all that matters.

But suggesting he ties her up so she can experience bondage, and then cutting off her clothes and raping her is something else.



RCdc -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 9:40:20 AM)

Emperor.
Your post rocked - really it does.  Makes so much sense on so many levels.  I am responding briefly as I am about to go offline, but I really wanted to just note your words and I will come back and respond to them and I would be really grateful if you will check them out later.  Thanks so much.
 
the.dark.



Poetryinpain -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 9:43:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
My worry is that it was an offer of friendship, no meet, no speaking, and then - well, if you want - have sex with me with no commitments and find out if you are *insert whatever here*.
 
the.dark.

If I'm reading this correctly, it sounds as though the offeree is unsure whether her/his BDSM orientation is top or bottom, and this other person is offering to have sex with them to help them discover which they are?

If that's the case, it sounds rather strange to me. For one thing, having sex doesn't really tell me whether I'm submissive or dominant in nature. For another thing, I may be submissive to some partners and dominant with some others. Besides, haven't we all heard time and again, this isn't all about sex?

Now, if I didn't read it correctly, just ignore this and move on.

pip, slightly confused



ThunderRoad -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 9:51:52 AM)

Sounds like fuck buddies to me, frankly.  Or at least a variation.

People become friends sometimes because they have ulterior motives.  Heck, most male/female platonic friendships often at least have some kind of a physical attraction.  If one friend says "y'know, I've never done this" and the says "hey, I'd be willing to help you check it out", is that really a bad thing, per se?

Maybe I'm misreading the question.



mzbehavin -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 9:52:18 AM)

If i was single, i would laugh and ask him "Don't you want to at least meet for coffee first?".
If i was in a relationship, i am monogamous so it wouldn't be an issue.
I have to agree w/ pip, sex doesn't have to be involved to determine inner nature. Its not unusual online for people to feel intimate before they meet though... The fact you are posing the question would be a red flag to me.
You feel somethings not right? Its probably not...



FRSguy -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 9:56:22 AM)

The way I see it you are kind of mixing apples and oranges.  A person can manipulate by saying I want to be just friends and then four days down the road come back and say well lets fuck. In the case where a person on purpose does this to get laid and uses friendship as a means of doing this than of course it would be wrong because of what is motivating the person doing the asking. So if a person forms friendships in order to get laid and knowingly falsely advertises then of course it’s a questionable practice especially if there are several people involved or receiving the request (if any of that makes sense). 

I also have to take into consideration when thinking about this that peoples thoughts, feelings and emotions are never written in granite.  It could be that someone is looking for a relationship, however, truly wants to be friends for a period of time for reasons that it is less competitive in the sense that they do not want to be considered in a manner where everything they say and do is monitored on some kind of mental score card and they may also want sex to not be the deciding factor.  In other words they want to judge on all things non-sexual first and to avoid constantly being hit on or expectations being made on them by several people at the same time.

There is also of course emotional insecurities where two people who are friends end up playing around online or offline and in the course of joking around things just end up happening whether its because of things just getting hot and confusing or one of the people involved is desperate for release…. Shit happens.

To me the difference is what happens if the person being the sexual aggressor is turned down or is accepted. If the person is turned down and the friendship is killed as a result than that person was of course manipulating.  If the person is turned down and then is continually waxed then again it’s a manipulation.

Although I do feel of course that there are a lot of people that use less than ethical tactics to get laid I also think that its really impossible to second guess someone’s true nature or motivations until its too late. It would be wrong to exclude the possibilities of friendships based on the fact that you might get hit on or for that matter feel that just because someone bumps your lines on occasion that the person is somehow manipulative.  It is the nature of the Dom to test limitations and exploit them to a degree. Just because shit happens don’t mean that it was meant to happen and feelings are subject to change at any time.
All that being said if you try to make a friend and that person acts in a way that is unacceptable to you then you can always close the lines of communications however not having respect for others humanistic qualities is just as bad on either side of the “friendship” because by nature we all have a tendency to be stupid and weak at times no matter what our orientation its just a matter of how much an individual want to put up with it.



Leatherist -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 9:59:57 AM)

Yanno,to be fair to the guys.

For every misleading prick who only wants to get his dick wet.. There are probably just as many women who would like to get a bit freaky. Or more than a little freaky. Women who are sitting at thier computers with thier fingers in thier cunts-and looking at porno. And wishing that they had someone at least marginally safe and caring to do those nasty things with.

But societal conditioning tells them this is not acceptable, and they hold back. But still, the itch is there,and they go looking. And they find someone. And maybe they let lust take over a bit,and may or may not have a great experience..

They still aren't fragile little flowers that need bookoo protection from the big bad predators out there-most have common sense. But I see this stereotype, and it rankles me. Because I have met and played with more than enough bent bitches to realize that's ALL it really is.

A lot of women out there have just as extreme kinks and desires as any man. So if you want to go pointing fingers-make sure it's mutual.

Because that is exactly what 95% is, mutual.



MastrVran -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 10:11:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: MastrVran

You said in little more than a month. Depending on how often you saw this person, that could be a lot of time spent together, where they learned to trust you and built an attraction for you.

If you said on the second meeting, yeah that would be pretty off.

So without knowing much about your situation, all I can say, is it might not be anything more than realizing they like you and would not mind taking it further.

MV


Hello and thank you for responding, Vran.

To clear up two issues.  This isn't about me.  This is about someone Darcy and I know and who comfortable for me to ask a question to try and settle my own mind because I feel they are being manipulated.  Usually, I do not get involved, as people must learn by themselves.  I believe that is the only way.  But this person has confided their concern and asked my advice.  I am trying to work out if I am being overly sensitive because I cannot give unbiased advice if I am blinkered.
The second issue is that this person has not met my friend.  They have not even spoken on the phone and they offer themselves as an experiment.  This really concerned me as they have not even met, which they are planning to do, but to make an offer so quickly without even meeting just made me go.... "whoooooah... he did what?"
 
the.dark.
 

 
Doesnt sound really friendly, so much as seeking. Though I have talked to people online who over time we have become pretty close and believed that when we met, it would lead into a sexual relationship.
 
However, saying hi I am your friend....and then a little while later saying and would you like a friendly fuck is a bit...questionable for sure. Now if he was possibly asking about maybe something along the lines of, well you mentioned you like being flogged, and I swing a pretty good flogger, perhaps we could try that when we meet? That is possibly more of just two people with like interests considering some things.
 
I guess it all depends on what has been said. I was assuming this was already a real situation and not just talking online or phone. Also you may not have all the facts as to what your friend has said to them. So hard to know here lol.
 
MV



Leatherist -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 10:20:15 AM)

I tend to be very careful with casual play that gets overtly sexual for a reason.

Hormones. When someone has an orgasm, it releases a hormone called oxytocin. It's especially prevalent in women. It's also part of bonding. And it does tend to develop at least an infatuation with the one causing it to be released.

And another reason it's probably a pretty good reason to keep things pretty cool in a "mentoring" relationship. It's not something that bows to negotiation. And if you don't want to deal with that-then don't bring it on.




xxblushesxx -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 10:32:15 AM)

I have played on a first date, but I felt very close to that person before even meeting him. We talked on the phone a lot, email, etc.
I would be wary of anyone expecting me to offer myself without being sure that I felt some attraction (both to their personality and to them physically), or offering themself to me without knowing the same.
It *might* be kinda hot though...



Prinsexx -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 10:50:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I am just wanting opinions by people here on CM on the concept of people who befriend a person and then who offer them a safe place to experiment.  I am trying really hard to be unbiased and trying to see if I am judging something I don't really 'get'.
 
I am wary of people who profess a friendship and then manipulate the situation by offering the other person to 'learn' in an (alleged) safe environment by offering sexual services.
 
We aren't talking mentorship or training and I do understand the concept of fuck buddies.  This isn't any of those.  But when approached by someone under the guise of friendship only - which then turns into - well, experiment with me if you want - in little more than a month - just feels a little, contrived.
 
I am really asking peoples thoughts, so thanks in advance.
 
the.dark.




Friends are friends. It depemds on the context of how and where and when that friendship began.
My friends (as oppposed to lovers, bdsm playmayes. fuck biddy_ and created over a long period of time through a process of integrity and trust and everyday tests if you like. The qualities I look for in a friend are loyalty. trust, reliability, active listening, sharing, coomon interests (not always), kindness and hospitality. This list in not exhaustive.
I would say I have made friends over time with people who started out as ptential fuck buddies.playmates but the relationsjip went on to become friendship rather than sex. Then there's a kind of career pathwhere the frienship could become the baasis for sex but thhis has only jappened twice in my life and the sex wasn't continued.
My sexual partners (three vailla marriages) and bdsm partners, I am afriad do not remain friends once I have split.I somehow find that very difficul.
So I suppose what I am saying is that, at the moment, friendship and sexualiy have different postcodes.
I  recently 'met' a guy on here, who for once seemed to have a strong reliable connection, same interests, degrees, mucical tastes, wiriter etc. After taking it really slowly he seemed also to be emerging as a creative and powerful D type. Just today, on after the first fabulous phonecall he admitted t have a vanilla opartner.
Now what kind of friend would HE have made? I don't value covertness, lying or witholding informnation in a friend seither.
As for sexual experiemanation? bdsm experimentaion? It's one of those phrases which holds dread for me......covers a multitude of unknowns. My persobal life is not a laboratory.
So: experimental friendshp???Hmmm not a construct I find easy but dertainly would like to.
If I had a LTR I really would want to keep the experimental within that safety zone.

Prin (who just changed her profile and blosked the idiot).




ShaktiSama -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 11:01:04 AM)

I guess it depends on what the experiment is.  I have had a lot of kinky friends who experimented Platonically with a lot of things.

Tying up someone fully clothed for five minutes to see whether bondage gives them a panic attack, releasing them and then going out for coffee together is an experiment of one kind with a friend. 

Playing together more seriously to see if the two of you have any chemistry, and find out if the friendship could go somewhere as a D/S relationship?  Is another kind of experiment you can do with a friend.

Either way you probably shouldn't do anything with a friend that will make you "not friends" afterward--that would be where the line is drawn for "taking advantage", in my opinion.

YMMV.



StormsSlave -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 11:33:36 AM)

In my extensive experience (due to the many, many mistakes I've made) I've discovered that anyone who seems to really be a friend, I'll try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I'm willing to concede that maybe I was wrong about them in the first place.  I think I would at least let them explain, and try to keep an open mind about what they say.  I'm pretty good at spotting a lie, so I generally trust my instincts.

As for the male/female thing, I think maybe I'm biased, but I immediately thought you were talking about a woman.  How's that for reverse discrimination, even from one of our own kind?  Frankly, I see that happening a lot more often.



junecleaver -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 11:45:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I am just wanting opinions by people here on CM on the concept of people who befriend a person and then who offer them a safe place to experiment.  I am trying really hard to be unbiased and trying to see if I am judging something I don't really 'get'.
 
I am wary of people who profess a friendship and then manipulate the situation by offering the other person to 'learn' in an (alleged) safe environment by offering sexual services.
 
We aren't talking mentorship or training and I do understand the concept of fuck buddies.  This isn't any of those.  But when approached by someone under the guise of friendship only - which then turns into - well, experiment with me if you want - in little more than a month - just feels a little, contrived.
 
I am really asking peoples thoughts, so thanks in advance.
 
the.dark.



I don't see it as manipulating the situation or contrived, as long as they are honest about what they want in addition to the friendship whenever the idea comes up.  As an adult, someone should be able to decide if a situation will be beneficial for them or not based on the information at hand.  The only problem is when one of the parties don't want to give all the necessary information like their intentions or limitations.





Leatherist -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 11:50:25 AM)

But you don't have to give "all of the information about anything that could possibly happen"

Just stay within the bounds of what you HAVE.



junecleaver -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 11:56:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

But you don't have to give "all of the information about anything that could possibly happen"

Just stay within the bounds of what you HAVE.


I agree. 

What I was (unsuccessfully) trying to get across was that people who aren't oriented for that kind of relationship shouldn't stick around to see if eventually they'll get what they really want---a monogamous relationship.  I see so many women accepting something different than what they need and then blaming the guy who told them what he wanted up front.  Then it's manipulation this, fake/troll/wannabe that.





marieToo -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 12:05:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

We aren't talking mentorship or training and I do understand the concept of fuck buddies.  This isn't any of those.  But when approached by someone under the guise of friendship only - which then turns into - well, experiment with me if you want - in little more than a month - just feels a little, contrived.
 
I am really asking peoples thoughts, so thanks in advance.
 
the.dark.



 
It depends on how it is done.  If the person is being manipulated, I would say it's definitely questionable.  However, if you have someone telling another person, straight up this is "Friendship Only", what they could mean by that is they do not want the relationship (sexual or otherwise) to grow into a love affair or something serious.

  On the other hand, if this person is using a contrived friendship to trick or manuever the other person, than obviously it's dishonorable, but if he is being honest and saying "hey I'd like to fuck around and offer you a place to experiment, but I want you to understand that we will never be more than friends", then I'd say there is nothing wrong with that at all.  At least the other person can then make an informed decision on where to go with it.



Leatherist -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 12:34:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: junecleaver

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

But you don't have to give "all of the information about anything that could possibly happen"

Just stay within the bounds of what you HAVE.


I agree. 

What I was (unsuccessfully) trying to get across was that people who aren't oriented for that kind of relationship shouldn't stick around to see if eventually they'll get what they really want---a monogamous relationship.  I see so many women accepting something different than what they need and then blaming the guy who told them what he wanted up front.  Then it's manipulation this, fake/troll/wannabe that.





Most of the experienced tops I know are totally upfront about what they want out of something. What gets to me, is the women who are on some sort of an arrogant vanilla "pussy power" trip, and think they can change a guy who is  basically stronger and more centered in his desires and expectations than they are.

They try and try to manipulate him, and he refuses to budge.

They finally end up admitting defeat-with hard feelings over not being caved into. Rather than admit that THEY were the assholes-and the ones who overstepped HIS boundaries-they have to point the finger elsewhere.

And he is now an "abuser".

Which is why I don't come rushing in to give hugs when I hear sob stories like this.

Been there,done that-burned the tshirt. [8D]



Prinsexx -> RE: .fuckme. to find out? (4/18/2008 1:10:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I am just wanting opinions by people here on CM on the concept of people who befriend a person and then who offer them a safe place to experiment. 
 
the.dark.




I've been multi-tasking: working but giving your question some more thoughts (at the same time)
The above part of your question stuck with me.
It just doesn't ring quite true does it that someone who is/was/will be a friend  'offers' safe experimental '..................'
I put safe experimental '..........................' because I don't know what knid of experimental 'what' they are offering. BUT it really sounds like they are suggesting an expectation rather than offering an opportunity.
I'll say it again: it fels like they are suggesting an expectation trather han offering an opportunity.
Now whatever the surface suggestion is I feel that it's not going to stop there. Maybe with clearer communication you could ask you know, are you expecting this '.................' to happen? I mean why are they bringing it up in the first place if it's not an expectation?
Perhaps it's just a projection of me who has a difficult divide between friendship and sex or friendship and bdsm. I'm not saying that the two don't make a good mix but personally I have experienced perhaps too much of an intensity to either have it go back to being a simple friendship again OR have had expectations smashed.
But the 'after a month' part of the equation also stuck with me. Again it's a pretty quick time line for it to have come up in communication and been other than an expectation.



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