You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out That Door..... When it's over.

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You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out That... - 4/18/2008 10:21:38 PM

DV8fromthenorm

Posts: 45
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: New Jersey / Fort Lauderdale USA
Status: offline

I am starting and asking in this thread, another controversial subject, what happens when a master/slave or dom/sub relationship ends or doesn't work out for one reason or another. In general society seperations are commonly caused by growing apart, cheating, financial issues, etc. The BDSM lifestyle and community is unique in several ways. With one of my experiences there was a violation of trust, honesty and pushing me beyond my limits and it was not able to be repaired and we seperated, just going our own ways. We have no contact today and I don't think there will be any in the future. I was wondering what others have experienced in the BDSM community as far as seperation of contracts, what caused this, what they have learned from past mistakes, red flags and similiar scenerios. I know this is a sore subject, but I am really interested to see what kind of responses I receive to this question. Also what are your relationships like today with people of your past? If we can discuss this honestly and openly it can help newbies like me and others avoid similar situations. --------Thank you.

_____________________________

"My tears dry on their own."
----------Amy Winehouse

Post #: 1

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/18/2008 10:29:11 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

I've had the same thing happen a few times. I blame myself mostly- I chose them on the basis of kink, not who they were. Some of my past girls are still friends-many have moved away to new places. The ones I don't talk to have really not changed. We still drive each other nuts.

My advice to newbies? Keep your hormones in control. Take the time to see who someone really is-not who your fantasies want them to be. Go jerk off, if you need to scratch that itch instead. There's no shame in it.

The real shame is in letting an infatuation take over your life. Something you may never stop regretting.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to DV8fromthenorm)

Post #: 2

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/18/2008 10:35:11 PM

DV8fromthenorm

Posts: 45
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: New Jersey / Fort Lauderdale USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

I've had the same thing happen a few times. I blame myself mostly- I chose them on the basis of kink, not who they were. Some of my past girls are still friends-many have moved away to new places. The ones I don't talk to have really not changed. We still drive each other nuts.

My advice to newbies? Keep your hormones in control. Take the time to see who someone really is-not who your fantasies want them to be. Go jerk off, if you need to scratch that itch instead. There's no shame in it.

The real shame is in letting an infatuation take over your life. Something you may never stop regretting.

Wow, thank you that was powerful information and insight.

_____________________________

"My tears dry on their own."
----------Amy Winehouse

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 3

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/18/2008 10:44:50 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Most of my past bdsm partners I have lost contact with. Some were because we played, and discovered that we had nothing else in common. A couple were the trust violation things. I am still in contact with several - the common thread among them is that we were friends FIRST, before we played.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to DV8fromthenorm)

Post #: 4

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 12:17:48 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

People suck here just like the suck everywhere else. People are incredible here just like they're incredible everywhere else. There's a myth that seem to be perpetuated that we are or should be better than everyone else...that things should last forever and relationship require a lot less work because it's all about the Dom giving orders and the sub obeying.

Things work here just like they do in the vanilla world...and real relationships work the same way, too. Don't rush into a Ds relationships any faster than you would a serious committed relationship in the vanilla world and you'll be much better off than most.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to DV8fromthenorm)

Post #: 5

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 5:08:21 AM

StormsSlave

Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

People suck here just like the suck everywhere else. People are incredible here just like they're incredible everywhere else. ...
Master Fire

A great big AMEN to that!

_____________________________

Congratulate me...I'm a missus!!

--nobody's resident anything.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 6

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 6:59:55 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If you don't think cheating, hitting below the belt during fights, bringing up your partner's weaknesses to use against them qualify as loss of trust, then think again. Relationships here end because of loss of trust, because of outside stresses, because the people grew apart, just like vanilla ones.

What happens here is the same. Some people talk trash about their newly ex partners, others take the high road. Some mourn after the relationship is officially over, some do their mourning while it is ending.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 7

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 8:16:57 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I'm with Celeste on this one... I don't see anything different about "here" and "out there". And I tried the high road, it just gave me a nose bleed, although I try to save my trash-talking for just a couple of close friends, unless I'm using him as an example of what NOT to do, and he is often an excellent example of that. Oops, I just talked trash about him again.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 8

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 8:34:18 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

For me my D/s stuff has ended for the same reasons that my nilla ones did, becuase of me really, because of who I pick, what I expect and who I am. Im not deluded enough to think its anything else and finding BDSM may have made me more aware of things but it hasnt changed me.

I think most relationships break down due to trust, either that someone behaves differantly to how they promised or a more tangible version, for me its that im a fantasist and never happy.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to DV8fromthenorm)

Post #: 9

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 8:46:00 AM

Constrictor1

Posts: 143
Joined: 6/29/2006
From: Constrictor1
Status: offline

DV8, I noticed you have been asking some very insightful questions here on the forums. Like Leatherist, I too have made my mistakes in the people I chose. It hurts and I accept that I made poor choices and try to learn from them. I am also with with Master Fire here. People are people no matter the lifestyle choice. Having said that, I still keep on friendly terms now with about 1/2 the people that I have had a long term relationship with. some I don't because of various reasons ranging from they hate my guts to life happens and we lose touch. My biggest requirement from anyone is honesty. Lifestyle or not. My time is too valuable for dishonest people. I also have a personal policy that once a relationship fails, particularly due to dishonesty, I will not go back to that same relationship. Hard limit. I would prefer 1 good trustworthy relationsjip to hundreds of crappy relationships. I hope this answers some of what you were asking.

Constrictor1

(in reply to DV8fromthenorm)

Post #: 10

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 10:08:57 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

in or out of the lifestyle, those that violated my trust are dead in my eyes, which of course, means no contact, so with that said, other than two past partners, i have a very good relationship with and am still in contact with all of my formers.

(in reply to DV8fromthenorm)

Post #: 11

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 1:05:11 PM

MladyHathor

Posts: 510
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

relationships are relationships, the common denominator isnt the interest--its people--same stuff different day.

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The Mistress Hathor, always and forever, much to the disdain and discomfort of others.

(in reply to DV8fromthenorm)

Post #: 12

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 1:37:10 PM

DV8fromthenorm

Posts: 45
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: New Jersey / Fort Lauderdale USA
Status: offline

Thanks to all that responded to this, what I am gathering is that nothing much is different "here' than "out there" with the violation of trust, etc being one of the issues and the same old crap. I look at that relationship that I spoke about in my posting and rather than try to think upon it as a negative experience. I think of it as a positive one and now I know more clearly and exactly what I don't want the next time around and have grown from that experience although it didn't end quite the way I anticipated.

_____________________________

"My tears dry on their own."
----------Amy Winehouse

(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 13

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 1:39:52 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

good for you, sweetie :) *hugs*

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to DV8fromthenorm)

Post #: 14

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 1:41:54 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I have only called one other Master besides HoneyMaster.
He is still a dear friend.
To both of us.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 15

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 2:03:06 PM

wisteriaV

Posts: 438
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

My last Master and I split up because he caused permanent hip damage from intense BDSM play and his use of recreational drugs was not told to me until after I moved in with him.I am against all forms of recreational drug use. We have no contact by my choice as I escaped a bad situation that was getting worse. He has tried to contact me several times. That was almost four years ago. Other people, not just within a specific lifechoice use recreational drugs..pick a group of people and youll find numbnuts, abusers, ect. Live learn, grow and move on.

_____________________________

Every story has two sides , much like a coin and neither one is totally perfect.
If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 16

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 2:04:21 PM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DV8fromthenorm
I think of it as a positive one and now I know more clearly and exactly what I don't want the next time around and have grown from that experience although it didn't end quite the way I anticipated.

This is something I am trying (and failing miserably) to do, congrats on being able to

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to DV8fromthenorm)

Post #: 17

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 2:05:49 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

*smooches the colourfulone* You'll get there, honey...

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 18

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 2:08:41 PM

BOUNTYHUNTER

Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DV8fromthenorm

I am starting and asking in this thread, another controversial subject, what happens when a master/slave or Dom/sub relationship ends or doesn't work out for one reason or another. In general society separations are commonly caused by growing apart, cheating, financial issues, etc. The BDSM lifestyle and community is unique in several ways. With one of my experiences there was a violation of trust, honesty and pushing me beyond my limits and it was not able to be repaired and we separated, just going our own ways. We have no contact today and I don't think there will be any in the future. I was wondering what others have experienced in the BDSM community as far as seperation of contracts, what caused this, what they have learned from past mistakes, red flags and similar scenarios. I know this is a sore subject, but I am really interested to see what kind of responses I receive to this question. Also what are your relationships like today with people of your past? If we can discuss this honestly and openly it can help newbies like me and others avoid similar situations. --------Thank you.

I would hope that we each have learned a little from each other,to go our separate ways in peace without looking back, thats all we can do I suppose and in some instance remain friends to a degree..BH

_____________________________

US going to hell in a hand basket/

(in reply to DV8fromthenorm)

Post #: 19

RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 2:16:07 PM

MysticFireTopaz

Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline

I would say that all but two of my partings with former subs were amicable. Three are now married, two to vanilla women and one to a sub. The one who is married to a sub has served a friend of mine, who accepts married men while I don't. Three are single but now live out of state and I talk to them occasionally. One is local and single, though he has decided that he is a bottom and not a sub, so we remain friends only.

I did recently start speaking again through e-mail to a sub I released non-amicably in 1998, though I won't play with him again. The very last one I released I have no desire to speak to again, EVER. In thinking back, yes, there were warning signs even from day one based on his past experience. He ended up doing about the same thing to me that he did to the Mistress before me, and yes, I was warned. I somehow thought things would be different for us, but of course, they weren't. It was my choice to take the risk and I accept responsibility for that.

Nonetheless, I value and cherish all of these relationships, even the ones that ended non-amicably. I feel that each was meant to be and had a purpose at that particular time in my life.

Lady Topaz

(in reply to DV8fromthenorm)

Post #: 20

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