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RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 3:07:27 PM   
DV8fromthenorm


Posts: 45
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: New Jersey / Fort Lauderdale USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

quote:

ORIGINAL: DV8fromthenorm
I think of it as a positive one and now I know more clearly and exactly what I don't want the next time around and have grown from that experience although it didn't end quite the way I anticipated. 


This is something I am trying (and failing miserably) to do, congrats on being able to



Well I do think of it as a positive experience rather than a negative one, but I never said it was easy........ no worries, time heals all wounds.

_____________________________

"My tears dry on their own."
----------Amy Winehouse

(in reply to colouredin)
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RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 3:36:00 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		While I agree that people are people and that the same problems exist in these relationships as others, there is a difference.  None of my vanilla boyfriends ever choked or cut me, put bruises on my body or tied me up.  I trust people with my life in this arena.  For those on the M slash, their character is on the line.  What they do is considered abuse in many places, so they trust that they aren't going to be arrested for their behavior.

The worst thing that happened to me was I had a "master" to whom I respectfully brought some concerns/doubts I had and his response was that I wasn't trusting, I was not behaving in a manner appropriate for a slave, etc.  So I took those thoughts to my good friend who agreed with him.  I needed to be more trusting and to let go of my doubts.  After a short time, he decollared me because I had proven that I didn't know how to trust (or so he told me)... and a few days later collared her.  She had perpetuated his lies and deceit because they were her own.  That nagging little voice in the back of my head was right.  And you know what?  They deserve each other.  Good riddance.

Was my trust shaken?  Yes.  Cheating and lying are cheating and lying whether here or in the vanilla world.  But as for choking and whippings and all that... it is different to some degree.

Glad you are finding peace.
May we all know peace,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to DV8fromthenorm)
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RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 3:38:28 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DV8fromthenorm

Well I do think of it as a positive experience rather than a negative one, but I never said it was easy........ no worries, time heals all wounds.



give yourself more credit DV8... time does NOT heal all wounds... time heals all wounds as long as there is a willingness to be healed and enough time to heal. 

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to DV8fromthenorm)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 3:50:54 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I learned from my very first dom and he was strictly online phone email and ims cause he didn't have time for me, that long distance will not work. I need them to be local and not only that, but have time to devote, to the relationship and growing it and our bond. mI also learned I am not interested in the type of doms who think they have to be tough all the time, never share with the submissive and for heaven sakes do not ever act like you can;t shoulder it all types. I don't believe in contracts, so someone who did wouldn't be suitable.

Red flags would be inconsistency from them, in actions and words. Married men looking to cheat, people who's scrupples and morals and ethics,  do not match mine, people who'd have no problem lying and cheating and lousing about.  peple who try to convince ME that it's ok to be dishonest, and not to respect the integrity of my relationships, cause plenty of other people do it. People with the if you won't tell I won't tell mentality, because I believe in fessing up when I've fucked up, I believe in no secerets, even if I may get in trouble by confession. People who regularly spew venomous words about every one and any one in their lives now or in the past. Dislike of an x is natural, but to spew nothing but vitral and hate to me is not. People who always see themselevs as the victom and the wronged no matter what is going on. Emotional and mental energy vampires who suck the life out of you with their drama and their needs.

There's tons of red flags to many to list, but those are basically it.

My relationship today, as to ones in the past is very loving very goofy very open, and there's not much I could tell him or do that'd disgust him, and even the things that do disgust him he accepts, and only ask I do not do them around him or tell him. He wants all of me, the baby parts the cat woman parts, the submissive parts and the wild and untamable parts. He accepts that I love stuffed toys an suck my thumb and am very vunerable, and my x never did. My x dom didn't think stuffed animals and thumbs and babyish needs were age aprorpiate and was always trying to break me of things he belived were not age aprorpiate and he never wanted anything to do with the cat persona side of me. He said if he wanted to date a cat he would, he does not want a cat he wants a female.


quote:

ORIGINAL: DV8fromthenorm

 I was wondering what others have experienced in the BDSM community as far as seperation of contracts, what caused this, what they have learned from past mistakes, red flags and similiar scenerios.  I know this is a sore subject, but I  am really interested to see what kind of responses I receive to this question.  Also what are your relationships like today with people of your past?  If we can discuss this honestly and openly it can help newbies like me and others  avoid similar situations.  --------Thank you. 

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RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 3:58:57 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: DV8fromthenorm

Well I do think of it as a positive experience rather than a negative one, but I never said it was easy........ no worries, time heals all wounds.



give yourself more credit DV8... time does NOT heal all wounds... time heals all wounds as long as there is a willingness to be healed and enough time to heal. 


Yup and us perpetual victims live for sitting around stewing in our own juices.


_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 4:03:06 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		I'm sorry if you took what I said as a personal shot, it wasn't meant that way at all.  I was merely stating my opinion... one learned after taking about 35 years to heal one particular wound.  For a long time I thought I wasn't healing, but as I look back on it I have come to appreciate that my hurt and anger and "stewing in my juices" (to use your phrase) were part of the healing process. 

I wish you peace,
sunshine.

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 5:30:34 PM   
DV8fromthenorm


Posts: 45
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: New Jersey / Fort Lauderdale USA
Status: offline



Well I do think of it as a positive experience rather than a negative one, but I never said it was easy........ no worries, time heals all wounds.

[/quote]

give yourself more credit DV8... time does NOT heal all wounds... time heals all wounds as long as there is a willingness to be healed and enough time to heal. 
[/quote]

I agree with your coment sunshine, maybe time does not heal all wounds, it's just a positve statement to give someone hope when going through something difficult.  You made me think....  Time may not heal all wounds, maybe Time will help you learn how to live with your wounds, deal with them  and move forward from there...  Just a thought..  :-)

_____________________________

"My tears dry on their own."
----------Amy Winehouse

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 5:59:35 PM   
DDraigeuraid


Posts: 321
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: offline 		I hav found that what works for ME is to break off contact, period.  I'm certainly not saying that is best for everyone.  I do still have some contact with my ex-wife, because she is the mother of our children, but not much.

I have been hurt in the past, and hope that that is in the past.  Hope still springs eternal that I will find the one to live out my life with.

Dragon

_____________________________

Meddle Not in the Affairs of Dragons
For you are Crunchy, and taste good Flame Broiled

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/19/2008 6:33:12 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: DV8fromthenorm

Well I do think of it as a positive experience rather than a negative one, but I never said it was easy........ no worries, time heals all wounds.



give yourself more credit DV8... time does NOT heal all wounds... time heals all wounds as long as there is a willingness to be healed and enough time to heal. 

 
 You deal with it by letting it die. The past is a dead thing.
 
Nothing you do can influence it. Living in the past is to experience a slow death.
 
 Treasure the moment-it is all we have.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/20/2008 12:27:57 AM   
tigerseye


Posts: 79
Joined: 1/10/2008
Status: offline 		my first Master i had i was 18 years old, wide-eyed and innocent and he helped me see the world in a different way, helped me see me in a light that wasn't as bad as i had thought it was for years.  he and i were together for 7 months, long distance relationship before we broke up. though that we had a break down in communication lead me to believe that he didn't want to be with me dating, lifestyle or otherwise.  so i started dating another man a few months later.  it wasn't until i started dating the other man that he told me that he had been trying to get back with me for several months.  he and i had a huge falling out, i returned his collar and for a year we never talked to each other unless it was to yell at each other.  it was a break of communication, trust, hurt feelings, the whole 9-yards and we both did and said a lot of things just to hurt each other.  it wasn't until almost an exact year that we started talking again.  we have both grown up a lot since then and we are actually together again.
heh this long story is basically saying just like in the vanilla world sometimes people just have to grow up, and not all relationships that go up in flames stay that way.  he and i have learned a ton from our past mistakes and were able to get past them and back to what we originally loved about each other.  sometimes all that is needed is a bit of time, and letting things die and get past them.

*smiles* i'm done!  lol


_____________________________

~rose~


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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/20/2008 1:01:13 AM   
DarkVictory


Posts: 247
Joined: 8/7/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: DV8fromthenorm

Well I do think of it as a positive experience rather than a negative one, but I never said it was easy........ no worries, time heals all wounds.



give yourself more credit DV8... time does NOT heal all wounds... time heals all wounds as long as there is a willingness to be healed and enough time to heal. 


Time heals nothing.  We all know people whose reason for their crappy life was 20 or 30 years ago.  Missing the catch at the championship game, being abused by step-daddy 40 years ago, losing contact with that perfect person.... etc.

No.  Time heals nothing.  The only source of healing is from within, and it's forgiving both yourself, and the other person.  We go about, harboring this resentment, this poison, and it eats at us.  We hope somehow that this suffering will be justified in the great karma wheel by having the offending party suffer too.  It doesn't work.  They go on and live life, and we're eating at ourselves.

The best healing is to let go, genuinely forgive (cause the resentment keeps YOU in bondage, not them), and move on to have a great life.  Wish them the best, let it go.

My slave of nine years abused my trust, took my children out of state, tried to keep them from me, tried to accuse me of abuse and rape, and tried to turn her family, my family, and our friends against me.  It didn't work, she had to bring the kids back, we worked out 50% custody, and now I wish her a great life.  She's the mom of my kids.  I want her to have an awesome life, it'll be good for the kids.  And, she's the same woman I fell in love with.

In the end... all healing is forgiveness.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/20/2008 8:00:21 AM   
Marysboi


Posts: 52
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		Dark Victory,,, Very Wise !!!! and well spoken...It is seemingly so hard to forgive..and yet seems to be the quickest and most beneficial way to heal and move forward.( Real Forgivness).I obviously enjoyed your post.  Respectfully...Jim

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: You Finally Made Me Happy Baby Once You Walked Out ... - 4/20/2008 9:03:53 AM   
DV8fromthenorm


Posts: 45
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: New Jersey / Fort Lauderdale USA
Status: offline 		Dark Victory, I agree with Marysboi, What a great post.  Great advice on forgiving.  It's amazing how much one can learn about life while drinking coffee and reading threads.  Thank You. 

_____________________________

"My tears dry on their own."
----------Amy Winehouse

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Profile   Post #: 33
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