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Disownment? - 4/18/2008 10:22:48 PM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

Note: This may be a sensitive topic for some. Please try to keep the anti-war discussions to a minimum. I'm just seeking advice for a specific question.

Would any Dominants here (of either sex) disown someone they were "considering" (no idea in what aspect, tbh... fucktoy, FWB, or just general companionship or whatever) if they decided to do something drastic - lets say join the military ?

Would anyone here use that decision to break off a friendship?

Ie: "I care about you so much, that if you do this you're dead to me"

(No shit gentle readers. IIRC those were her exact words)

This has had me fucked up for the last few months...just lookin for some advice.

Thanks in advance everyone.

V.

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

Post #: 1

RE: Disownment? - 4/18/2008 11:09:44 PM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

We wouldn't break off the friendship - that's just silly, IMO. There are some things that just should not be done, and abandoning someone entirely because they are doing something they feel is right (for whatever reason) ... well, that's one of them.

We won't consider anyone in the military though, for the simple reason that we don't want someone else (i.e. the government) telling us where we have to live if we want to be with our boy.

*hugs to you* You know you can message me on the other side if you want to talk.

_____________________________

Miss Karen and Miss Holly

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Friends are God's apology for relatives

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 2

RE: Disownment? - 4/18/2008 11:17:46 PM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

We wouldn't break off the friendship - that's just silly, IMO. There are some things that just should not be done, and abandoning someone entirely because they are doing something they feel is right (for whatever reason) ... well, that's one of them.

We won't consider anyone in the military though, for the simple reason that we don't want someone else (i.e. the government) telling us where we have to live if we want to be with our boy.

*hugs to you* You know you can message me on the other side if you want to talk.

I understand what your saying... it just.. bah.

Hell, it royally pisses me off.

I mean, she told me "I don't want you to come back missing an arm or a limb" and I'm like... that could happen here. I don't need to be halfway across the world for that. That could happen if I cross 5th avenue. That could happen getting on/off the subway/railroad, or whatever.

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

Post #: 3

RE: Disownment? - 4/18/2008 11:26:13 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

If I was a domme, I wouldn't break off the friendship but joining up would probably end any interest I had in dating them. Not cause any anti war sentiment or anything but because I do not wish my partner to be in a situation where we'll be seperated for potentially long times. You sign up and you have no say where you're sent and for how l ong, and I have no interest in relationships of the kind where he may be required to be gone long periods of time, and to who knows where and when. Of course I'd be sure to let any potentials know anything they do to put themself in the situation where they'd be away for long undetermined periods would rule them out as an interest, BEFORE they became an interest however.

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

Note: This may be a sensitive topic for some. Please try to keep the anti-war discussions to a minimum. I'm just seeking advice for a specific question.

Would any Dominants here (of either sex) disown someone they were "considering" (no idea in what aspect, tbh... fucktoy, FWB, or just general companionship or whatever) if they decided to do something drastic - lets say join the military ?

Would anyone here use that decision to break off a friendship?

Ie: "I care about you so much, that if you do this you're dead to me"

(No shit gentle readers. IIRC those were her exact words)

This has had me fucked up for the last few months...just lookin for some advice.

Thanks in advance everyone.

V.

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 4

RE: Disownment? - 4/18/2008 11:57:17 PM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

Note: This may be a sensitive topic for some. Please try to keep the anti-war discussions to a minimum. I'm just seeking advice for a specific question.

Would any Dominants here (of either sex) disown someone they were "considering" (no idea in what aspect, tbh... fucktoy, FWB, or just general companionship or whatever) if they decided to do something drastic - lets say join the military ?

Would anyone here use that decision to break off a friendship?

Ie: "I care about you so much, that if you do this you're dead to me"

(No shit gentle readers. IIRC those were her exact words)

This has had me fucked up for the last few months...just lookin for some advice.

Thanks in advance everyone.

V.

that's just.... gah!!!!!

i am Daddy's slave. period. in less than 2 months, i'm moving 4 states away from him, permanently. i most likely will never come back for a visit.

and he will not release me. he says i am his forever. he is going to turn over my care to TheEngineer, who has plans to marry me. (i am married, not to Daddy, and my husband and i are going into an amicable divorce.)

i cannot imagine anyone looking at anyone they care about in ANY sense and dropping them because they dont agree with a decision.

yes, going into the military is rough stuff. and yes, caring for someone who is handicapped in any way can be hellish. (i have love two men as they died, within 2 years of one another. it is NOT easy.) but friendship and caring for someone should rise above that.

just my

,
kitten

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 5

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 12:12:35 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Sometimes the physical, and often emotional, abandonment that comes with being the military SO is a deal breaker for a lot of people. I'd not go into again lightly.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 6

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 12:13:05 AM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: adoracat!

yes, going into the military is rough stuff. and yes, caring for someone who is handicapped in any way can be hellish. (i have love two men as they died, within 2 years of one another. it is NOT easy.) but friendship and caring for someone should rise above that.

just my ,
kitten

This is exactly what I thought. Apparently I was wrong though...

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 7

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 12:15:47 AM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Sometimes the physical, and often emotional, abandonment that comes with being the military SO is a deal breaker for a lot of people. I'd not go into again lightly.

Master Fire

Ok, granted, but we were never a couple, or in a dominant/submissive relationship (she already had one, IIRC) or anything like that.. just close friends.

On the flip side of the coin though, there were a few times where I slipped, and talked as if she was my dominant (which, she pointed out and I turned like 8 shades of red) but like I said in my first paragraph, she already had one, so there was no prospect of it becoming permanent (I don't "do" multiple subs/slaves)

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 8

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 12:37:18 AM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

quote:

ORIGINAL: adoracat!

yes, going into the military is rough stuff. and yes, caring for someone who is handicapped in any way can be hellish. (i have love two men as they died, within 2 years of one another. it is NOT easy.) but friendship and caring for someone should rise above that.

just my ,
kitten

This is exactly what I thought. Apparently I was wrong though...

some people are just shallower than they appear to be at first glance.

kitten

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 9

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 12:54:22 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81
Would any Dominants here (of either sex) disown someone they were "considering" (no idea in what aspect, tbh... fucktoy, FWB, or just general companionship or whatever) if they decided to do something drastic - lets say join the military ?

Would anyone here use that decision to break off a friendship?

Ie: "I care about you so much, that if you do this you're dead to me"

(No shit gentle readers. IIRC those were her exact words)

This has had me fucked up for the last few months...just lookin for some advice.

Thanks in advance everyone.

V.

To Me it sounds that the amount of Love you've for her isn't the same as she holds for you.
I understand that hurts as a bitch when this topic came up.

I've had a soldier applying to become My sub, although Wwe got along, I refused taking him on because I want real life, and want someone near Me,
I've been alone long enough then to wait
on someone
&
the fear of being able to lose the one I love.

~Real friendship goes through thick & thin~

I wish you enough blackpearl.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 10

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 1:06:00 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

It may be their way of keeping you alive. My fiance/slave was in the Army and was killed in Iraq. I did the best I could to be supportive of him while he was gone, writing to him once a day (so that I wouldn't overwhelm him with emails), not talking about how much I missed him so that he would be sad but keeping each email upbeat, and would have been happy to wait for him but it was all over. Even though his death had nothing to do with me (I had no control over it) somehow I felt that my love should have been strong enough to keep him safe, and I felt that I had failed. It took me a couple of months to get over that feeling, and my mourning was deep.

Should the dominant have the choice in a matter like that? It depends upon your relationship. I am sure that it has caused you great pain. Now look at the flipside of the coin - they may feel that if you do this that you are offering yourself as a target for certain death. It would be easier on them to cut the ties completely than to have to deal with the constant hoping and praying that you'll come home safe which may be to no avail.

_____________________________

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 11

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 4:44:25 AM

LadyJeelys

Posts: 99
Joined: 11/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

Ok, granted, but we were never a couple, or in a dominant/submissive relationship (she already had one, IIRC) or anything like that.. just close friends.

On the flip side of the coin though, there were a few times where I slipped, and talked as if she was my dominant (which, she pointed out and I turned like 8 shades of red) but like I said in my first paragraph, she already had one, so there was no prospect of it becoming permanent (I don't "do" multiple subs/slaves)

Then, frankly, in my view you weren't "owned". Flirt, potentional, whatever, is very different from the committment of being owned.

And I don't see how it can be abandonment if you already knew she wasn't going to be for you since she has pets.

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 12

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 4:58:37 AM

GentleMistress5

Posts: 17
Joined: 3/28/2008
Status: offline

First off... chamberqueen, I am truly sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

blackpearl, this is a tough one. At the risk of sounding like I'm "for" the war, I must say that what you are doing is a noble thing and it's unfortunate that she feels she cannot maintain a friendship with you because of your decision. As much as this sucks, my only advice is to let her go. As GoddessTeaze said, her feelings for you must not be as deep as what you feel for her.

Good luck to you!

GM

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 13

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 5:47:59 AM

MladyHathor

Posts: 510
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

wow bp this is one of those times where we say, " the latex meets the road"---I would disown one for cheating, committing a crime, things of that nature--but to do so because one wants to join the military---I might not be happy, and I might carry on a bit because of human fear--but a person's calling to the service is often a deep and difficult decision and IMHO should be supported--My selfishness could not supercede ones selflessness.

_____________________________

The Mistress Hathor, always and forever, much to the disdain and discomfort of others.

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 14

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 6:30:50 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

While I think that was a terrible way to word things, I can understand her feelings.

Someone active in the military is one criteria that will a negative in my book when I'm looking at potentials. Sorry, but if I own someone I need to be that person's first priority and if you are in active service then that comes first legally and I'd say morally as well.

Would I be friends with someone? Damn straight. We had a friend who was in the Middle East (not Iraq but close working support services) for over a year. I emailed him regularly, we sent him packages, etc. We lost touch with him once he moved back to the States primarily because he was living in a new city and I let him set the pace. I haven't heard from him now for two years but that is his choice for whatever reasons.

I can accept that from a casual friend but I couldn't accept those actions from someone I was close enough to scene with, train, and own. I know the limits of my heart and the rest of my family's hearts.

While your partner or potential partner didn't say it in the best way possible, at least she told you now and didn't wait until you were in service or had just gotten home. I think that would be even worse.

You need to do what is best for you first. If serving your nation in their military is best for you, do that. I know that there are dominants out there who would be happy to support that just don't think that everyone will.

I don't think you can find one thing that everyone supports after all, a majority maybe, a huge majority perhaps but everyone?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 15

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 7:36:49 AM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MladyHathor

wow bp this is one of those times where we say, " the latex meets the road"---I would disown one for cheating, committing a crime, things of that nature--but to do so because one wants to join the military---I might not be happy, and I might carry on a bit because of human fear--but a person's calling to the service is often a deep and difficult decision and IMHO should be supported--My selfishness could not supercede ones selflessness.

Thats exactly whats got me so upset/pissed off.

It's not like any of that happened (cheating, etc)

Usually I'd go down to visit her during the weekends.. we'd go out to dinner, "make it a blockbuster night" or if she needed help with something, I'd come down, help her with whatever, and we'd enjoy our company...

It was more of a cordial relationship, nothing really romantic persay. When I told her it was like *wham* outta the blue.

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to MladyHathor)

Post #: 16

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 8:38:40 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Wow.

I need to be first in a relationship, so I would not be happy if my slave wanted to sign up from that standpoint, but disown? Hardly.

A friend? Well, while I have been pro-military (and anti-war) my whole life, and am very interested in not having anyone else I know die or be injured in a war zone, I would have to support my friend's decision. Supporting my friends is part of friendship, to me. I would want a really fine explanation of why it was important to that person, since after all, joining the military IS a good idea for many.

I would disown someone for committing some really heinous crime, or doing something wrong to their family or me.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 17

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 8:41:24 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I can't believe I missed this thread.

For quite a while, I was very specific about not being interested in subs who happened to be in the military. I've said so on these very boards. The reasons for that were very much like what some of the others have mentioned in their replies. The war adds an additional element to it, but even without that, there's still separations, having Mistress Military being something of a 'higher' level of owner, since she dictates where you live, what you do, and when you do it, and more. I'm already very well versed in that, since My husband is military (I am poly, btw) and I'm aware of the complications. I don't mean any disrespect to your Domme friend, but not everybody can handle that, nor do they want to.

I see two things from the beginning. First, I see the knee jerk reaction to the fear of what could possibly happen to you. Even if she isn't your Owner, she is your friend. Nobody *wants* to see their friend go into a situation where there is elevated danger. Second, you have to realize that, even if the relationship has a different depth level for each of you, there still is the matter that, to her, you are removing yourself from what you've established. Those once a month get togethers are no longer possible if you're stationed somewhere else. It changes everything, and she may not wish to accept that. I'm not blaming your Domme friend for that one either. Close proximity is important to a lot of people.

As hard as it is to accept, if you are changing the elements of the relationship, she has the right not to accept the new terms. I agree with what others have said about it being better for you to know this now. You don't want to end up having the connection being thought of more than what it actually is, if it really isn't.

I do wish you the best of luck in your path.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 18

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 10:15:36 AM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: blackpearl81

Note: This may be a sensitive topic for some. Please try to keep the anti-war discussions to a minimum. I'm just seeking advice for a specific question.

Would any Dominants here (of either sex) disown someone they were "considering" (no idea in what aspect, tbh... fucktoy, FWB, or just general companionship or whatever) if they decided to do something drastic - lets say join the military ?

Would anyone here use that decision to break off a friendship?

I'm afraid I will have to go with a potentially less popular answer: yes, I very likely would change my mind about collaring a submissive who drastically changed his life plan and his availability mid-way through our courtship process. I don't care if he joins the military, the Peace Corps, or a Shao Lin monastery--what he's done is to suddenly dump an instantly frustrating and potentially heart-breaking long distance relationship into my lap, when we had previously been discussing a more intimate and satisfying relationship. Thanks but no thanks; I am not looking to dominate my mailbox or a webcam for months or years at a time.

Would I break off a friendship over joining the military? Guess not--I've had many friends over the course of my life who were in-service or ex-military. How I judge any given person who joins would depend on why they joined and what they were hoping to get out of the service.

I disagree completely with the people here who consider it "shallow", however, for a dominant to be disinterested in a soldier as a submissive, especially as a primary submissive. Soldiers are sexy in uniform and great fun to play with, sure--but they are heartbreaking to be tied to intimately. There are many perfectly good reasons why a person would find a serious D/S relationship with a soldier unattractive, not least being that if I was going to be in a poly or co-dominant relationship with my sub, I would not want the superior partner in our dynamic to be the US government.

Sorry, but joining the military really is the ultimate D/S relationship. A soldier is already property, to be used, commanded and destroyed as Uncle Sam sees fit. And you're damn straight I'm not willing to give up that power over my submissive's body and life to someone else--I don't even like long separations, much less long separations when he or she is serving someone else night and day in dangerous, violent ways that will get my property damaged or destroyed. To say nothing of the fact that my sub remaining faithful to me may be difficult or unlikely, in some cases; monogamy matters to me, although I realize it may be insignificant to many others.

There is also just a sheer issue of control here which I would not care for. I would not want my submissive to "do something drastic", like join the military, without my express permission and encouragement for simple reasons of control. Even if it was an entirely safe activity, joining the military is a very big commitment; it's an enormous decision for a man to make, and if I'm in a relationship with him it is a decision which will affect my life enormously.

For a man bonded to me as a submissive to do such a thing without my permission is a completely unthinkable violation of the D/S dynamic, and I would not stand for it. If I wanted to have huge decisions affecting my life and happiness to be made by a man--I'd be a sub, not a domme. The reason I'm on this side of the dynamic is that I am NOT happy when I am not in control. The absolute minimum I would accept in a situation like this would be a serious consultation and a request for my permission and support. If the decision was presented to me as a fait accompli--"Here's what I've decided to do, regardless of what you think"--I would definitely tell the guy to hit the bricks.

Just my two cents. YMMV.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to blackpearl81)

Post #: 19

RE: Disownment? - 4/19/2008 1:06:14 PM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

But it wasn't a courtship process - strictly friendship and she disowned him as a friend. He has clarified that many times already in this thread.

_____________________________

Miss Karen and Miss Holly

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Friends are God's apology for relatives

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 20

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