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Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/19/2008 10:24:32 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
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I was reading the journal entry of a local sub male who described a first meet with a dominant women who took charge of the meeting as if it were a scene. She ordered alcohol for him, told him to drink it, wouldn't allow him to speak to the waitress etc... He found it intoxicating was excited about having her as a Mistress. I've talked to a few other sub males (and I'm sure this has happened with sub females as well) who had a first meet that was more like meeting a "stranger dominant" for an impromtu public scene than meeting a person for a potential relationship.

Is this pretty common? Do you think this is what a lot of submales expect? or think it's all about? I think I know what the answers are going to be, but still, it's a little discouraging in this situation. I really liked his profile and journal and had considered contacting him, but I just can't do that sort of thing.

I like the first meet, and first few chats to be as equals, vanilla, a chance to just talk and get to know one another. I want the decision to enter into a D/s dynamic to be a conscious, rational choice, not something agreed to under the intoxication of sexual arousal and/or sub frenzy. What about the rest of you?

Post #: 1

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/19/2008 10:29:27 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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It's extremely common on all sides of all slashes.

I've had those meetings, and they can be loads of fun. But I also have meetings that are just to meet and hang out and see where to go next. As long as everyone is on the same page, you're good.

_____________________________

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RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/19/2008 10:32:21 PM

GentleMistress5

Posts: 17
Joined: 3/28/2008
Status: offline

I am in total agreement with you! First of all, I NEVER mix alcohol and scenes, even if there is no physical play. (Not saying it's "bad" or "good" - just My rule.) Secondly... I think it could be misleading. That behavior could leave one thinking they are owned - as you said, he "was excited about having her as a Mistress". I can't imagine that She was ready to claim him on the spot, and treating him as Hers could leave him confused and possibly even feeling abandoned when/if She didn't claim him.

I agree, also, that it is important to get to know a person (in a vanilla sense) somewhat before acting like his Owner.

Again, My opinion...

GM

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 3

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/19/2008 10:50:21 PM

khem

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/8/2005
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I never pull that kind of thing. I mean, I don't consider anyone consenting until I've actually had a chance to ask?! Sometimes I feel horribly boring though. Kind of like "I thought I was going to get some Goddess in latex and I got this normal boring girl talking about the weather instead."

I figure I'm not going to be constantly playing with someone, it's probably better if they like the toned down version.

(in reply to GentleMistress5)

Post #: 4

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/19/2008 10:52:57 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

I've first-meets that are vanilla/equals style and I've some that are scene/PE in nature. It depends on what it's for, what the natural chemistry is, what I'm wanting out of that potential relationship, etc. In short, what suits. I tend to take my personal relationships on a gut-instinct and what-comes-naturally basis, whatever type they are.

But on the other side, yes, I find most male subs I've encountered online (and it's why many never get to an actual face-to-face) as well as through other, meatlife, methods *expect* that first meeting to be Super Domme Show with little to nothing real -or actually about *me* and my desires, so not even as a mutual exchange of D/s or kink fun...

It just comes back to the same old thing about most not seeing us as people, much less actually wanting to serve/submit: we're just something to hold the whip, wear the shoes, or be "dominant" in the oh-so-exacting way their fantasy dictates.

Just another case of having to sift through to find the good ones, as in any gathering of acquaintances, friends, lovers, whatever.

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Post #: 5

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/19/2008 11:08:40 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I've never done a first meeting as a DOMINANT, much less some fantasy gal. I look for courtesy, respect, and all the other pluses on the manners side, but until we've felt each other out, there isn't any D/s dynamic in existence yet.

I can see where it would be enormous fun to do that with someone I DID know, as a surprise.....but I wouldn't do it with a stranger unless I really felt like we were going to play THEN.

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Post #: 6

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/19/2008 11:17:38 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

I'm not a mistress, but from a submissive's point of view, I think it depends upon the sub in question, and the dominant has to make a decision as to how to best handle the situation on a case by case basis.

I've always firmly believed, in the logic and reason part of my brain, that it should be equals first. But then on the other hand, I have to admit to being more responsive, even more comfortable, when the dom takes immediate control of me from minute one. Sometimes it works, other times I suppose it wouldn't be a good idea. I think it depends on the particular chemistry between the two and how far along you both are mentally by the time you meet.

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marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 7

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 12:44:38 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

I was reading the journal entry of a local sub male who described a first meet with a dominant women who took charge of the meeting as if it were a scene. She ordered alcohol for him, told him to drink it, wouldn't allow him to speak to the waitress etc... He found it intoxicating was excited about having her as a Mistress. I've talked to a few other sub males (and I'm sure this has happened with sub females as well) who had a first meet that was more like meeting a "stranger dominant" for an impromtu public scene than meeting a person for a potential relationship.

Is this pretty common? Do you think this is what a lot of submales expect? or think it's all about? I think I know what the answers are going to be, but still, it's a little discouraging in this situation. I really liked his profile and journal and had considered contacting him, but I just can't do that sort of thing.

I like the first meet, and first few chats to be as equals, vanilla, a chance to just talk and get to know one another. I want the decision to enter into a D/s dynamic to be a conscious, rational choice, not something agreed to under the intoxication of sexual arousal and/or sub frenzy. What about the rest of you?

I agree with GentleMistress
I always meet subs as equals first, to see what kinda person he/she is, and tell them there is No play on the first date, simply because I take My time to get to know someone, one time a sub took off his boxers, cus I said so.. on a first date, he catched Me by suprice, but it didn't make Me like him more, because he wasn't My type at all.

To feed someone alcohol? I don't ever drink, nor do drugs and believe that
drugs & Bdsm is a huge No no...

so if a Dom/me thinks s/he needs alcohol to convince someone, or make em more mellow to get what they want???. It shows what kinda persons they truly are.
run!

I'll meet in a bar, and Wwe talk for a few, depends how Wwe click, then Wwe part, and feel how it was, and Wwe meet eachother online later on,
and I'll say what I want, and so can the sub.

I wish you a good meeting!

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 8

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 1:01:36 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

I knew he was dominant when we first began talking. He touched me as a dominant from the start. We have never been equals in that regard. Nor did I ever want to.

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Good is the enemy of great.

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Post #: 9

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 1:04:02 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

so if a Dom/me thinks s/he needs alcohol to convince someone, or make em more mellow to get what they want???. It shows what kinda persons they truly are.
run!

Oh I don't know...for all we know it was a glass of wine, in which case I would have appreciated it.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

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Post #: 10

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 2:14:07 AM

chezzy71

Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline

As a male sub,we are inclined to be a bit more excited about the scene itself instead of focusing on what is important.The bottom line is,i would rather talk about the weather than the 101 uses of Hemp in the Western Hemisphere or how soon are you going to get around to gagging me..And if i ever met a Domina who would push such topics i would walk in a blink.Let's get the relationship off the ground first if possible..And if the stars are aligned then the whole package can be a very beautiful thing indeed.

(in reply to khem)

Post #: 11

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 5:20:53 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

i'm a mod for 2 yahoo groups and i've noticed that among most male submissives/slaves. they want to be dominated immediately after initial contact which i'm quite hesitant in doing simply because i don't know anything about them. i've noticed they skip the "getting to know you" part and jump right into "spank me, punish this bad boy, use me as your bitch" part after saying "hello Mistress". yet when i say i want to know them first, they get upset calling me "fake" since i didn't give them what they wanted.

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RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 5:22:59 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

i'm a mod for 2 yahoo groups and i've noticed that among most male submissives/slaves. they want to be dominated immediately after initial contact which i'm quite hesitant in doing simply because i don't know anything about them. i've noticed they skip the "getting to know you" part and jump right into "spank me, punish this bad boy, use me as your bitch" part after saying "hello Mistress". yet when i say i want to know them first, they get upset calling me "fake" since i didn't give them what they wanted.

That's because they are bossy bottoms, not subs.

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Post #: 13

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 5:28:04 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

also they're marrieds too. the marrieds outnumber the singles in the groups i mod for

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...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 14

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 6:10:08 AM

MistressFaye1

Posts: 276
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

On the first meeting with someone I am me... which by nature is a very assertive and dominate woman. I'm told it's the aura of a person that can create, for a submissive, the sense of dominance. There has been a few times as stated prior to my post; that the folks met expected some showy "Mistress-like" behavior. "Mistress-like" is a word that was actually used by one of them. I've made it one I like to use when the disappointed soul that "didn't get his ass flogged on the first and last meeting", tells me I "don't act like a Domme/Mistress" or when I get the phone call or email later telling me I'm not "dominate enough" for them.

I ask, "What kind of Mistress-like behavior were you expecting?" You can imagine the responses! What's interesting to me is, before we meet, I tell them that there is no playing until I feel the time is right and is ONLY after I've gotten to know them better, I ask that I am not called Mistress, and that I don't want to hear their "I will do anything for you Mistress" pleas during the first meeting.

In retrospect, I'm glad they did come clean in the first meeting, that made it easy to weed out the "you know whos".

Faye

_____________________________

You can put away your masquerade
You won't ever have to be afraid of Me
Open up your eyes and see what is in store
I must the One that you are searching for.

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RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 6:34:59 AM

SubJordanTyler

Posts: 268
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline

Equals first.........I'm not going to submit to someone until I feel comfortable with them and feel that I can trust them...........and I hope the domme would feel the same way about me.

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Post #: 16

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 6:44:00 AM

DianeB

Posts: 166
Joined: 1/30/2006
Status: offline

It is the same in my Yahoo group. The married males subs outnumber the single males subs.

Diane

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 17

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 6:48:20 AM

DianeB

Posts: 166
Joined: 1/30/2006
Status: offline

When I meet with a sub for the first time, I want to see what they are like in normal life. If I like what I see, then I will start a scene with them to see how they act as a sub...

Diane

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Post #: 18

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 7:41:47 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Well, given the apparent ratio of subs to doms and male subs to female doms, I don't think I'd quite use the word "equal" to describe the first meeting but I do try to make it very professional but casual at the same time. We will have talked for a while, a potential will have talked to my slave, and then we'll meet for lunch or something at a public venue to see if there is any chemistry.

I know full well given the ratios and given that I have a poly household all ready that I have more power simply because I have less need for another slave or sub. I don't have to play into that power however and I think it unwise if I want to really get to know the potential a bit more.

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RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 7:48:56 AM

vampchick88

Posts: 346
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline

When I first met pet it was on equal grounds. We had an eight month relationship online and over the phone, then finally got to meet face to face. We talked about likes, dislikes, ect over the phone and thought we'd make a pretty good match. In person it was not all kink, it was getting to know eachother, feeling eachother out to how we'd click in person. It was absolutely wonderful and I can't wait to see him again. I think it was a good idea to get to know one another and how we meshed on a 'vanilla' level before just diving into kink only. I think its a better way to tell if you enjoy that persons company and you get the chance to bond first. I like having emotion and a deep connection before letting a very important part of myself show. pet understands it and feels similar but I'll let him explain for himself.

Personally I'd meet face to face as equals then just go with the flow from there. ~Lorelei

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Post #: 20

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