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RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 8:11:45 AM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubJordanTyler

Equals first.........I'm not going to submit to someone until I feel comfortable with them and feel that I can trust them...........and I hope the domme would feel the same way about me.

^^ This.

On a personal note - I'd have to feel extremely comfortable with them & trust them as well, before I open up.

If something happens, I'd want safety in knowing that IF things went over the line -intentionally or otherwise, I'd have a safe haven with Her.

_____________________________

~ Karma. Being a motherfucker since 1981 ~

Ms. Pacman was the greatest prostitute that ever lived. For 25 cents, that bitch swallowed balls 'till she died.

(in reply to SubJordanTyler)

Post #: 21

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 10:23:09 AM

rubberpet

Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline

I'm the type who believes that the first meeting should be as equals. When Mistress flew in for the very first time, I was still in subby mode, but turned it down quite a bit so I could get a feel for Her as a person. She was aware of it and didn't push the whole Mistress/slave issue at all. It took a little more than two days, but I was comfortable with Her in my space and I got along with Her great. As a domme, I couldn't find better and I am honored and damn proud to be collared by Her. She is the best of the best...the Ferrari of dommes. Till the day I die, I think that meeting as equals was the best move we ever made.

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.

(in reply to vampchick88)

Post #: 22

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 10:32:09 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

Generally.. forcing someone to drink, in any context, isn't a good idea in my mind.

That aside, I've met as equals.. I've met a bit differently.. as many have said, depends.

Any first meeting for me is going to be an innocuous date -- coffee, dinner or lunch or something similar. I'm never going to have a first meeting that entails any kind of play. For that reason, being myself (dominant) over lunch isn't a bad thing. For me, its going to be how I respond to that person and how they respond to me.

If for ANY reason I feel like its not my idea, or I don't want to, I won't.

My first approach, however, is always equals -- as much as that can be done.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 23

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 10:51:39 AM

Misstoyou

Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

While I have been known to be impulsive in my evaluation of submissive applicants,

, that's never been extended to scening on the spot.

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 24

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 10:52:07 AM

MysticFireTopaz

Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline

I'm very much in agreement with you and the others who see the first meet as a chance to meet and get to know one another on an equal basis.

I read the journal entry you are referring to. Had I been that sub, I would have had some concerns, but he "totally adores her take charge attitude," so he's good with it all. It sounds like she is as well. I hope things work out for them.

Even though I clearly set expectations about the first meet--that it will take place at a public place, that it is a chance to get to know one another and make a decision about how we want to proceed, that no play will take place--I have still had a few subs express disappointment that more did not happen. I met one for lunch at a place close to my house. Things started out fine, but toward the end of the lunch he got a glazed over look in his eyes and started responding, "Yes, Mistress" to whatever I said, like he was in some sort of hypnotic trance. I snapped my fingers and told him to get out of whatever state he was in, then asked for the check. I told him I'd call him later to talk, but before I had a chance to do that he shot me an angry e-mail, asking why I wouldn't allow him to follow me home to serve me, since it was so clear that's what he wanted. I reminded him of our original agreement and this was a getting to know you meeting, with no play involved. Another wanted to drive down from Oklahoma to meet me for dinner, but had one small request. Instead of staying at a hotel, could he spend the night on the floor of my living room, chained to some furniture for "my protection?" I told him not only was that a safety hazard (what if a fire broke out?), but it was also a form of play. I had already said no play at the first meet so the answer was NO. I decided not even to meet that one.

So it seems there are some subs who expect some type of D/s dynamic at the first meeting, but I am happy to say that the majority of them were on the same page as me and saw it as a chance to get to know one another better.

Lady Topaz

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 25

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 10:21:28 PM

Devoted2U4Life

Posts: 4
Joined: 3/19/2008
Status: offline

Wow, what a great post! I'm perhaps more submissive than the average bear, but I really appreciate it when the dominant takes charge of the meeting in terms of asking the questions and in general directing everything. It enables me to just be my rather passive self and obey, which makes me happy. When I've met dominas who didn't take charge of the meeting i was very nervous, and when i'm nervous i tend to compensate by looking very relaxed and the dominant didn't think i was very submissive (this was recently). I don't know about actually making a scene out of it. I've had this experience and it's been both very exciting and very awkward, depending on how i felt toward the Dominant. Anyway, my two cents worth!

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 26

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 10:24:50 PM

favesclava

Posts: 1608
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

He dominated from the beginning. if a man allows me to see him as my equal he will never be able to dominate me afterwards.
thats just me. what i needed.other's mileage may vary.

_____________________________

weird is relative not an absolute term. Baron Frank N. Furter
Resident jingly dancing girl
The Pookie Of Darkness
Okay? Ready? Fine .Here's my hand. We are going now. I know the way. All you have to do is hold on tight ... and believe.SK

(in reply to Devoted2U4Life)

Post #: 27

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/20/2008 10:53:47 PM

sftopping

Posts: 1
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline

I'll side with the 'it depends' crowd... When I meet someone I want to get a feel for what they are like as a normal person. However, if it's a first date, you are both being evaluated. So, for some it's appropriate to show a bit of what you would be like in a D/s context (and it seems only fitting that the as dom I take the lead in that). If I've been mentally filed into the 'nice guy' bin, there probably won't be a second date.

So, while I keep the elements involved light and adjust as needed, I sometimes add in a few rules to keep the prospective roles in their thoughts. It might be telling them what I want them to wear, for example. Done right it's fun for both of us.

(Edit: Doh, first post and I missed this was the Mistress forum... Good start! ;) Apologies.)

< Message edited by sftopping -- 4/20/2008 11:01:58 PM >

(in reply to favesclava)

Post #: 28

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/21/2008 8:12:47 AM

Pyrrsefanie

Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline

Before I start yanking out Ye Olde Whips Ande Chaines, I like to get to know the person first as just that -- a person.

I'm incredibly mistrustful of most people, and to me, D/s requires so much of that trust that before I jump headfirst into a scene, I feel it's my duty for the sake of my own sanity to merely sit back and observe and formulate my own opinions of them. If I like them as a person, I'll make the transition into play. But if there's something about them that bugs me... nope, sorry, thanks for playing.

I know that personally, I've got to at least have a friendly affection for the person I'm topping. I've got to be attracted to them not only physically but also mentally. Without that, the scene is forced.

_____________________________

Ти саркастична, це – доля,
Ти артистична в неволі,
Ти симпатична в цій ролі,
Ти синтетична до болю

Read my series, Taking Jessica, on http://www.akashaweb.com !

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 29

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/21/2008 8:28:25 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

I tend to treat them as equals on the first date. As far as sex goes. If your not a virgin and attracted to one another then why not.

(in reply to vampchick88)

Post #: 30

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/21/2008 11:12:05 AM

selena123

Posts: 62
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline

Well I am a naturally dominant woman, polite but authoritative without trying, even in the vanilla world. Therefore I may meet as equals but the Domme in me is ever present and I would be looking for some signs of obedience during a casual meeting. However, if we can't get along as a vanilla couple we would not last as any other type of couple if I were seeking a relationship. If I just wanted a play partner, which I don't, then I wouldn't care much about getting along vanilla style.
selena

(in reply to vampchick88)

Post #: 31

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/21/2008 11:38:07 AM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
Status: offline

Now, i've never had a planned first meet or anything of the like. Every relationship i've been in, D/s or vanilla, was something i had fallen into. But, were i to go into a first meeting with a dominant and she were to behave in the described manner; i'd be turned off.

Unless, i get that strong vibe that i have occasionally felt before (strangely enough, not with Ma'am; who i have been with in my healthiest relationship by far) to immediately submit to this person. i'd like to think that i'd still keep my scruples about me and make it clear that while i am allowing and responding to such behaviour, it does not make me in any way obligated to this person and that certain protocols still need to be discussed and followed. i'd like to think that i would treat it as a casual scene, yes still stand my ground as the dominant's equal.

i've too often in the past had to say "i'm submissive, but not your submissive" to really believe that i could stand aside and let such activity continue. Also, i'd like to believe that i had enough conversations via phone, email and IM with the particular dominant for her to know that i would find such behavior as unwelcome and unacceptable.

On the other hand, i have unexpectedly met dominant women (not necessarily dominants) in bars and other vanilla environments who have taken charge from the start; but this has occured mostly because they read my energy and saw the "signs" that this type of activity would be appreciated. Of course, these have been the rarest of occurances; as i have found that i am far more attractive to submissive women than to dominant ones.

i wish i could give a hard and solid answer to this, but in all my experience; i've found little in our lifestyle lends itself to singular absolutes.

_____________________________

I'm the man your mother warned you about...
if only to keep me to herself.

I'm a male dominant switch whose experienced as a poly sub to a dominant woman
.
Where the fuck do I post?

Proud Owner and Protector of chyldeschylde.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 32

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/21/2008 1:03:47 PM

Shawn1066

Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

I would get up and leave if a woman tried to turn our first meeting into a scene. It's presumptuous and insulting.

DV's Fox

(in reply to vampchick88)

Post #: 33

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/22/2008 7:59:57 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Shawn your owned. It is probably expected that you would say that. I wonder if you would say that if you were looking.

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Post #: 34

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/22/2008 8:02:22 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Shawn wasnt always owned. And when we first met, he told me about other meetings he had considered where the conversation moved towards the scene that would follow rather than getting to know one another. The meetings never happened. He wasnt owned when we met, some people do not approve of sceneing on a first meeting, some do. He does not.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 35

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/22/2008 9:56:13 AM

Andjew

Posts: 39
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline

I don't mind it if a dominant woman makes a few orders in the form of request. But if she tells me what to do, I'll tell her to show me respect. If she refuses, I'll leave.

Of course, if we discuss me playing submissive for the first date before hand over the phone, I could be inclined to do so. The only time I've ever done that was an amazing success.

< Message edited by Andjew -- 4/22/2008 10:00:01 AM >

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 36

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/22/2008 3:06:09 PM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

I'm used to being in charge therfore whenever I meet anyone I take charge of the situation unless they fight me. Very few people do.
However I am respectful and courteous to people.
Tone of voice has a great deal to do with the art of taking control.
If I am meeting someone who I know is looking for a D/s BDSM relationship then I am obviously more interested in getting to know personal details about them just as if I were on a vanilla date. I'm meeting them with the hope of a D/s relationship which includes BDSM. If they start playing at being submissive to me I will know they are not right for me. It isn't about playing for me it's real. I get what I want or I don't have the relationship.
So far I haven't met anyone that I wanted a ltr relationship with. Playing can be fun sometimes but it's nothing like the real thing.

(in reply to Andjew)

Post #: 37

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/26/2008 4:26:15 PM

yournewprincess

Posts: 18
Joined: 11/5/2007
Status: offline

i think it really depends on the mistress. i like the first meeting or two to be very casual and get together just as friends. after that then i would take more control. i find this easier to get to know they guy or girl.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 38

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/26/2008 5:11:10 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

I've never met up with a woman that wanted to take charge right then and there, if that was the first time I was meeting her. I'm not saying I wouldn't welcome it, but it just doesn't seem to happen. Now, I've had a woman who was interested in me while I was serving someone else who immediately took charge the first time she met with me after I became single again, but we had known each other for years before that.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

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The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

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Post #: 39

RE: Meet first as equals...or not? - 4/26/2008 8:40:43 PM

WingSong

Posts: 15
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline

As a Domme Femme Supremist I don't want, nor need a male to feel like My equal... I already have a significant other in My life. I always chat online with the potential to know whether it is going to work... cut to the chase I say and expect Her to make Her mark on first meeting. It's in the attitude, and if they can't handle the heat then they are unlikely to last in My Dungeon! As to female subs, well, on this site they are few and far between - too many male pretenders! I take it the opposite for a female (call Me sexist yeah!) I like to get to know her since I will spend a good deal of My time in and out of the Dungeon with her... but My attitude remains naturally as a Dominant which I find hard to shelve in a face to face meet with a natural submissive... But hey, I find that very few girls are willing to step out of their cybermuff shoes and meet face to face anyhow... even though THEY get to chose the venue... wannabe's and timewasters abound. Just give Me someone who is real and I usually follow by gut instinct - I'm with you missrumpus, judge the moment and go with the flow...

WingsongMistress.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away...

(in reply to vampchick88)

Post #: 40

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